To be pissed off about my mixed race son's hair?

[jswaw]

I have a 4 year old with ExDP.

I am mixed race (black carribbean and white). Ex DP is white.

DS has very curly classic "mixed race" curls, not as tight as mine but curly nonetheless and doesn't behave like Caucasian hair.

I have told my ex this and stressed the importance of doing his hair on the 2 days a week he has him. He comes back with knotty, matted hair I then have to brush out which is distressing for DS. It is becoming dry and breaking off. He sends him to school without it being done and it looks an absolute mess!!

I have given him specific instructions and sent photos of the correct products.

To my knowledge, he's done his hair less than five times and it's with a product that does not suit his hair type.

AIBU to expect him to do this? I don't know what else to do, he doesn't listen!

I can't get a straight answer from DS.

I imagine he probably forgets about it and doesn't remind his dad, but I can't be sure.

Two nights per week.

I brush it wish a denman or a wet brush when it is wet. When it's done every day and he sleeps with a bonnet or satin pillow case it's absolutely fine and barely knots.

He's only four, he can't be expected to remember or advocate for himself.

I'm sure he does notice, DS hair looks an absolute mess and matted at the back. Dry too.

I've explained the importance of it to him, that DS hair is different to his and needs special care because of xyz.

I've also let him know his hair is damaged and snapping off.

He says sorry and that he will do it but then be does it about 5% of the time.

He has told me that he did his hair this time around but forgot on the last day, but DS says that's not true and I can tell by the state of his hair that it isn't.

He's 5 in two weeks and very head strong.

He's been growing his hair out (his choice) for a long time now (in 4 year old terms) and is very proud of it.

It seems a shame to have to shave it but I will if I have to.

I have been really enthusiastic about short hair and we've watched videos and looked at photos together of short, curly hairstyles so that he can choose but he gets upset and says he doesn't want to.

Thank you.

He knows the technique, when it's kept on top of it takes 5 minutes maximum to do DS hair. When it's left that's when it becomes time consuming because all the knots and mats need picking out.

My hair is much more difficult and time consuming.

Could DS have it short at the back and sides and keep long on top? Perhaps it's a compromise and the longer on top won't get has knotted and damaged and could have twists worked into it?

I don't think you should go down the shaving route, you wouldn't if he was a little girl would you?

Are you or able to put his hair in twists?

YANBU

Its called parenting. Brushing hair and cleaning them is not negative its basic care. Ffs.

I agree. Why should he be forced to have no hair because his dad is a lazy pig.

I think DS spends a lot of time sat watching tv/playing on the Xbox when he's there.

DS school bag and it's contents smelled like weed when he got dropped off to me this most recent time.

Yuck. What a pig of a man. Your poor baby. I think it's a good idea as a pp suggested to speak to the safeguarding lead at your son's school. He isn't caring for your boy at all and it would be good for your to work together. I wonder if he's a bit unsettled at school after staying with his dad?

Imagine letting your own child's hair matt. What a shit

Lazy asshole it is then😫

He has a biracial son, he has a responsibility to care for his hair properly. It's non-negotiable.

on the very rare occasion my ex has mine they are sent in protective styles but when youngests was to short I used a ton of leave in.
If your little boys hair is too short too, then smother it in leave in and tell your boy he needs to wet it in the morning and run his fingers through, do it with him so he knows what to do, tell him to ask daddy for help too and add more leave in, it’ll help with the knots a bit without brushing and make it look nicer and should last, and be easier for you when you get him back.

Exactly this.

But no yanbu at all, dad should be doing it!

I missed the bit about your son not wanting it short.
I'm trying to think of ways you can make your ex parent properly.
Could you say that if he can't do it his two nights need to be two separate nights each week? That might inconvenience him enough to suddenly be able to manage the hair care....?

But he won't. Because he is useless and selfish. Unfortunately people like this cannot be reasoned with and sometimes we have to figure out the best way to deal with them, even if it isn't ideal. It is hard and upsetting and frustrating. But it is what it is.

But in general, I think toddlers having hair styles that need more than a quick wash and 30 seconds with a brush is a huge mistake.

This.... i dont really think this is even about the fact that it's Afro hair. My DD (caucasia) has normal shoulder length hair and the days her dad drops her to school, he does a pretty messy job. Ime most men do not expect to spend a lot of time daily fixing kids hair - left to it, they will generally cut son's hair short & shove daughters up in a messy pony tail.

Are products absolutely needed every single day?

Ps I'd explain to son that he can choose longer hair when he's learned to care for it himself.

I'd also really be not focussing on appearance with a kid so young. Kids shouldn't care what they look like.

Also - at nearly 5 your son can be learning to brush it himself. DD is only just four and has learned to cover her hands in conditioner, rub it all over her hair. She brushes her hair with a tangle teaser. She wanted it very long (a la rapunzel!!) but we said no as she could not manage the length. Shoulder length is as long as she can manage and we have time for, so we make that decision for her. She can choose longer when she's older.

My DS has very curly hair (Jewish). He could not/would not brush it or cooperate with proper care, and so he did not get a choice and it was clipper cut short all over.

Says someone that probably isn't dealing with textured/curly hair. The problem is if you have tight curly hair you often need to grow it out pretty long to get enough length to pull the hair back easily. And at shorter lengths a lot of product can be needed for hair that is worn down. It is like the difference between an acrylic jumper and a wool jumper you can't treat them the same and expect the same outcome.

Also it's a massive cop out for men not to take care of the children's hair. FFS would you give a mum the same amount of leeway? Men can learn to take care of their children's hair (there's plenty of you tube videos of men doing just that.) Any decent parent wouldn't let their children's hair get to the point where there are painful matts and knots.

Cinnamonbear my DS has very curly & frizzy hair. It is cut short. He would like it longer but it was not manageable.

His sister is only 4 but determined to keep hers longer and will condition & brush it herself.

Any decent parent wouldn't let their children's hair get to the point where there are painful matts and knots.

It will only get matted or knotted literally overnight in a single night if op is determined on a mid length not long enough for protective plaits and not short enough to reduce maintenance. There are solutions here that would make life easier for the child. 4 year olds often don't make great decisions so don't always get to choose longer hair. You can't force someone to care about hairstyles - lots of parents at our school cut their daughters hair into bobs because their mums and dad's can't be bothered doing plaits etc of a morning. That's life.