To be pissed off about my mixed race son's hair?

[jswaw]

I have a 4 year old with ExDP.

I am mixed race (black carribbean and white). Ex DP is white.

DS has very curly classic "mixed race" curls, not as tight as mine but curly nonetheless and doesn't behave like Caucasian hair.

I have told my ex this and stressed the importance of doing his hair on the 2 days a week he has him. He comes back with knotty, matted hair I then have to brush out which is distressing for DS. It is becoming dry and breaking off. He sends him to school without it being done and it looks an absolute mess!!

I have given him specific instructions and sent photos of the correct products.

To my knowledge, he's done his hair less than five times and it's with a product that does not suit his hair type.

AIBU to expect him to do this? I don't know what else to do, he doesn't listen!

Your ds the one being negatively impacted here

Agree.

For whatever reason, your ex dp is ignoring your pleas which sends you a clear message.
Youre pissed off / he enjoys still having the power to do that > end result is your son caught in the cross fire and suffers.

Go with the easiest solution- your sons emotional needs are more important than his hairstyle.

Plait it before he goes there.

I have put his hair in cornrows/braids before.

They've not worked for him, he says cornrows give him a headache and despite his hair being curly, the individual hairs are very soft and fine so braids don't hold well.

I asked DS whether he would like his hair cut, as it would make it easier/less painful for him but he is adamant that he likes it long and wants to continue to grow it. Unless it was shaved very short it would still need product in it every day.

Perhaps I will have to get his hair cut, it just seems a shame that DS would have to be forced into something he doesn't want to do because of his father's laziness.

I will have to buy the products. DS and I share the same products or else I would just send them with him. I haven't purchased a second set this far as they are expensive, I am a student and ExDP's income is about 3x mine.

So he won’t care for his child’s hair. He won’t ensure he’s teeth are brushed. What else is he neglecting?

It's also not long enough for me to plait it myself, I don't have good enough grip. I'd have to pay to have it down.

It's neglect and I would be really angry about it

It's not just the hair but the lack of teeth brushing and general care

Does he wash his clothes and get him in clean outfits every day or is it your job as well to supply all that too?

I might be on my own here but I'm not understanding the benefit to a child seeing a dad who neglects him ☹️ it's not shallow to think cleanliness is important. What else does he do/not do that you don't see because it isn't visible? What does he feed him, does he sleep in a clean bed?

YANBU. He is failing to meet your son's most basic personal grooming needs. That's pretty shit. I suspect everyone saying cut it short have only ever dealt with straight hair. Very curly hair can matted at very short lengths.

You shouldn't need to shave his curls off. His father needs to learn how to take care of it. How long do you think it will be before your son is able to do this for himself? Is it very time consuming?

You are not being unreasonable.

I'm mixed and have a son with mixed hair as well and it's always down to me to brush it - it really annoys me - I don't know why my DH can't learn how to brush his child's hair.

Sadly, there are fathers of all ethnicities who won't do simple things like taking care of their children's hair because they can't be bothered, don't know and won't be taught or cannot deal with the idea of handling a child who might not find having their hair brushed/combed or leaving the TV appealing.

My ex did the same with DD1's long wavy hair and I'd have to detangle it with water spray and conditioner on a Monday afternoon (and after two weeks on holiday by the sea, which was a whole new world of difficulty 😡).

All I could do was teach her what to do (such as putting the brush on the ends of her hair and gradually working up, rather than hacking into her scalp and trying to drag the tangles and matts out) and hope that she'd do it for her own comfort. I still had her coming back with her hair matted in the same plaits she'd gone to school in 66 hours previously sometimes, but that decreased as she got older.

Could putting a Tangle Teaser type of brush in his bag and some leave in conditioner on Friday morning work for your DS's hair?

Your son probably hates having it done and your ex probably hates doing it as he only has little time with your son . I can see why he sometimes misses it as I wouldn’t want to spend time with my child just doing negative things if my time was very limited . Will it maybe be better to cut his hat until he is able to brush it himself ? My daughter just had her hair cut because she hates brushing for long , once she is capable of doing ig without screaming she can have it longer again

YANBU but I think you need an easier style.

I think 4 is too young to make the final decision about hairstyle.
I kept dd's hair in a short style until she was about 8 and sensible enough to allow time and stand still for doing plaits in the morning. It was just easier in terms of getting all of us out to work and school.
I sympathise about your lazy ex, OP, but he won't change. You can only put measures in place that you can control.

To all those posters saying that children should have “easy” hairstyles, please recognise that isn’t necessarily possible with non-white hair.

I would love to “Wash and go” with my mixed race daughter’s hair. Unfortunately, if I did that, it would be bone dry and start to snap off.

Black and mixed race hair often requires a lot of care and products. It’s not a choice.

I am mixed like you and when my sons hair was long I used to plait it, and now he has it cut low with a fade like his dad. My sons 4 now and it’s so much easier to keep clean and tidy. I would recommend either learning to plait or having his hair cut so it’s easier to maintain and looks neat.

So many people need educating on the type of hair you are referencing Op, it must be beyond frustrating for you. While I also do not have experience of it, I don’t think that’s the point of your thread- the point is your child has a specific need that needs to be met by both parents, and it’s neglect of your ex partner not to do the best thing for his child. Having said that, the lack of understanding on this thread proves that people just don’t get it.
I wish I could help other than to sympathise.

Annoying but since you can’t control how your ex parents your child you are going to have to think around the problem until your child is independent enough to sort it for himself.

They are absolutely relevant his hair will need specialist products and care unless he is scalped

You've said you've told him but have you shown him how to do his hair? It could be he's just not confident or is doing it wrong (trying to detangle form the top etc).

If he's simply refusing then you'll need to learn to plait hair or put it in twists for when he goes to his fathers.

I do think he is being neglectful in this and not respecting his DS, sorry sounds like your ex is difficult to deal with.

Would suggest decanting some of your shared product to go with him into small container(s) though rather than bulking new full size products that may still not be used and go missing.

That ^

Even my own hair (curly, fine, easily tangled) can't just be brushed and left, it can only be brushed when wet with conditioner

It is poor of your ex to neglect his son's hair and teeth.

I would be keeping the hair shorter and teaching your son to brush it himself. I would also be having strict words with the ex about him having to check the hair- help his son attend to it and about him needing to brush teeth twice per day.
(Have your ex be the one to take your child for his next dental check up).
The hair - I would let it grow longer once your son is very good at looking after it.

Of course ethicity is relevant 🙄

As well as being neglectful of his physical needs, your ex is also being incredibly disrespectful of your son's ethnic heritage. Do you think that's deliberate?