To be pissed off about my mixed race son's hair?

[jswaw]

I have a 4 year old with ExDP.

I am mixed race (black carribbean and white). Ex DP is white.

DS has very curly classic "mixed race" curls, not as tight as mine but curly nonetheless and doesn't behave like Caucasian hair.

I have told my ex this and stressed the importance of doing his hair on the 2 days a week he has him. He comes back with knotty, matted hair I then have to brush out which is distressing for DS. It is becoming dry and breaking off. He sends him to school without it being done and it looks an absolute mess!!

I have given him specific instructions and sent photos of the correct products.

To my knowledge, he's done his hair less than five times and it's with a product that does not suit his hair type.

AIBU to expect him to do this? I don't know what else to do, he doesn't listen!

What a lazy, selfish man. He's your ex for a reason!!

Can you get a cheap set of silicone airline/travel bottles/containers and decant a little product into them to send with your son, as well as teaching him to do his own hair?

That would avoid sending expensive full size containers that could be 'forgotten' or 'lost' at his dad's house and the small containers are easier for a child to use if only a little product is needed each time.

If braids are a no go - what about twists? Does he wear a head wrap/bonnet at night? It might help.

I think some PPs really don't understand the complexity of mixed race hair. It's not as easy as cutting it off. Sometimes length makes it easier to manage (if it's being cared for properly).

It will be 2 things:

not wanting to be 'told' what to do by you.

It doesn't benefit him so hes not motivated to do it.

Its so unfair on your poor boy.
I know hes only young but could he learn to do something himself. As at least something is better than nothing, albeit really unfair. Would him wearing a bonnet to sleep help?

Hmm your title is very misleading. I mean maybe you didn’t deliberately use click bait.

You’re pissed off with your exP not your son’s mixed race hair.

Of course it’s relevant! Even with those details, people are showing that they don’t have a clue about the kind of haircare that is required, regardless of how short the hair is!

Get some travel bottles from the pound shop. Or dispense some into an empty bottle you might have.

He's being neglectful and I would start naming it as such when you talk to him if you are safe to do so. It might help him to understand the situation.

I agree with a PP that decanting a small amount of each thing to send is a better bet than sending whole bottles etc.

Would he be able to stay for you to show him what you do/ how you try to repair the damage? If you can show him with your son it might help. I might have missed if you said you had done that already.

It might be worth having a chat to DS teacher, to say you notice DS is coming home more tangled etc on the days that dad is bringing him in, can they keep an eye out for anything else of that nature that suggests DS had not received sufficient personal care.

Yanbu it's negligent and not far off racist - as I'm white but I know the very basic of duties if you're a parent to a mixed race child is to learn to look after their hair properly

I can only suggest a parenting plan is drawn up and he is encouraged to help better with self care of your son. There's not much you can do sadly apart from this. My friend has an ex who never ever washes her daughters hair or clothes so she always comes back tired and dirty but apart from refusing contact (which she wouldn't do) she can't do much.

He's a neglectful shit parent. It must absolutely kill you having to send your little boy there twice a week, OP.

Does he feed him okay? Dress him in clean and appropriate clothing?

Maybe a visual checklist of the steps for your son to tick off even if he can't do the steps himself. I would introduce that at your house and do it with your son yourself for a good few weeks first so that it's clearly established as a thing between the two of you that he might like to show his dad, rather than a thing you are imposing on them.

Send Ex a bottle that has a third left rather than a new bottle, you will have used most of it and ex doesn't need a full bottle if he's only there at weekends

I think also ask your sons opinion- does he want to keep his hair longer or how would he feel about it being shorter/shaved? Not fair on him to shave it off because his dad is lazy but if you can get your son to state that's important to him to have long hair that might help conversations with your ex

Sorry please ignore just saw your update and your son doesn't want shorter hair

your son has opinions about his hair . What happens if he says “I need my hair product now Dad”. Or”I need to brush my teeth before I go to bed”. Does your ex just ignore him?

Ive had this. Weaponised incompetence. Doesnt care about the impact on the child. Enjoys that it causes you upset. No intention to sort it out.
My girls father wouldnt wash them/encourage them to wash. No teeth brushing, came home in the clothes they were sent in, reporting they had even slept in them. Hair disgusting and matted.
I told soc sev and fanily court. No one cared. Its neglect and abuse.
Solution from a magistrate: i send washed and ironed clothes every visit. I did this for a year and eventually they had next to no clothes as he woulsnt put them in the clean stuff and wouldnt return it.
I send hairdryers, brushes, detangler, spare packs of toothbrushes, fave wash, shower gel etc etc. I even sent medicated creams and bath oils due to exczema to stop any flare ups. They were never used.
He told the court that 'his time' was already limited with the kids so he did not want to limit it anymore... by a 10 min bath/wash... he was ok to stay in bed till 11 tho. No one but me appeared to have an issue with this.
Im sorry hes such a twat OP

You need to raise this with your sons school - speak to the safeguarding lead as it is neglect. Ask the school to keep track as you have concerns and then I'd advise considering whether overnights are in your sons best interests at this point.

You are well within your rights to be pissed off about this, and all I could recommend if your not x won't engage is to teach your son as soon as possible how to self care, including tooth brushing with an electric brush for children.

Practically though, my boys were number 2 short til they were older - nits are a complete nightmare at primary and having to nit comb every week is much easier on very short hair. I would consider it for that reason alone.

How often is he at his dad's? I'd put it in a protective style so it doesn't need a lot of work while he's at his dad's. I wash my daughters on a Saturday and style it on Sunday for the week ahead. Her hair lasts a week at school and I just moisturise it.

How are you brushing it out? What detangler are you using? I'm wondering if your son is sensitive headed or needs more product.

I put lavender oil in my daughters detangler. Not hate it.

I agree with the posters saying to send the actual products with your DS and maybe show your Ex what needs doing and when it should be done i.e. am or pm or both. If he goes straight to school from your Ex's house could you say that school have commented on the state of his hair? might he respond to a bit of shaming from school (albeit it made up) in a way that he wouldn't from you?

While you need to manage what you can control to some extent he HAS to brush your son's teeth at night and I would be like a broken record on this. If he can't do this basic stuff what is going to happen down the line when your DS has reading practice to do, maybe spellings to learn? Is your Ex going to opt out of all that too? This is just the start of it. He's a dick.

Exactly this. Even if you keep the hair short, it needs to be cared for.

Could you ask your ex for money for the products your son needs so you can send him with a set to be kept at his father's house?

I get that this is annoying, but it is important that your son does not feel embarrassed about or ashamed of his hair, so you may ned to tread a bit gently.

The amount of people who think the answer is to shave his hair is honestly shocking.

I’m white but my hair is thick and very curly. My mum had poker straight hair and zero experience of looking after curls. She found it difficult to care for my hair without it turning into a matted mess.

No one suggested I should be bald so that she didn’t have to bother caring for me properly though.