Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

760 replies

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 20:59

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 23/09/2023 23:56

For balance, I should probably add that I married a man 13 years younger than me. The age gap had nothing to with why we split up. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't weird that we had no childhood things in common: kids' TV shows we watched, pop music & so on. And I had to deliberately avoid remembering that he'd been the same age as a child I was nanny to 😳

Re sexism in other people's comments: I got a hell of a lot of ribbing about my "toy boy" but no-one accused him of being taken for a ride!

amechange · 23/09/2023 23:58

Its too late to really judge you and deter you from this, theres nothing left you cant do, youre married and have a child together, but yes theres something weird about it

MotherOfRatios · 24/09/2023 00:01

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 23:46

Ok this took a mad turn. Again thanks for all the well meaning advice. To those who are bitter - you know what my DH might leave me, he might be with me to our dying days. I’m willing to take that chance. I feel very in love and so does he and I’ve vowed to tell our children not to settle for anything less than a love that can survive through thick and thin and find someone who is your best friend, who you can be totally yourself with…fancying the life outta them also helps! I hope the bitter people here find happiness.

Ps I was a straight A* student and started my career at 21 and worked my way up quickly and got lucky with good investments in property I made at 21. People can say that’s bullshit etc but it’s not. Also I have 9 months full pay from work whilst on maternity, I’m exceptionally lucky so everything is still split well between myself and my husband. I’m not disclosing my salary but I don’t qualify for child benefit. i also am lucky I would be able to financially support myself and my baby if anything happened DH.

i just came on to see if there was still a stereotype exists because I’ve really felt it recently and some posters here have confirmed it does. I feel sad at that because my life has been unsettled and I finally feel content.

im logging off and heading to sleep. Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH and looking forward to another day with my best friend.

This shows your immaturity lord help that poor child of yours

Bellyblueboy · 24/09/2023 00:01

OP you have two other threads - one is to complain about your absolutely awful uncle and one is to complain about your husband.

why are you claiming here you life is amazing and happy when clearly there are issues in your relationship about your husbands ex and his child?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/09/2023 00:03

"Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH"

Grow up girl.

5128gap · 24/09/2023 00:03

People who are saying things that are negative aren't jealous or bitter OP. Think about it for a moment, and you'll see that's not logical.
All of us on here were young women once, and some of us still are. There has never ever been a shortage of middle aged men who want to date young women, so each and every one of us could be with a much older partner if we were that way inclined. The people who are pointing out the pitfalls aren't doing so because they're bitter and jealous because they want what you have, because if they did, they'd have it too.
People are simply trying to answer the question you asked and explain to you why these relationships are not the choice of many women, but that its not you being judged its the older man.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/09/2023 00:03

I have no judgement for you, I have massive judgement for the seedy grim man who has groomed you.

There's no way to not be patronising- at 21 to a 40 year old you are a child.

Since I've been single at late 40s, I've been asked out by several 20 something males. They are far too young for me, and it would be irresponsible of me to date them.

There is something very wrong with the older party who prey on a much younger person.

Older men go out with younger women for a reason - and that reason isn't just their pert tits - it's because they can't see through their bullshit yet. Women their own age won't have them, so they have no choice.

lemmein · 24/09/2023 00:07

My DD25 starting dating a 38 year old man. They looked ridiculous - not helped by the fact that my DD looks A LOT younger than her years and he looked older than 38. There was only 5 years between me and him Confused

It didn't last.

ChubbyMorticia · 24/09/2023 00:14

As a standard rule, I assume men who date/marry so much younger do so because women their age won’t put up with their crap.

cbuew9 · 24/09/2023 00:14

WhateverMate · 23/09/2023 21:33

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

Oh come on really?

The solicitor said he was expecting 'some young dope'?

I thought this too....The thread left being genuine when I read this...

blueshoes · 24/09/2023 00:21

Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH and looking forward to another day with my best friend.

What 25 year old uses the coy term 'passionate encounter'.

And what about your 4 month old baby? Most 4 month old babies don't sleep through the night and allow their mothers to have 'passionate encounters' <boak> when they want to, much less even want to. Nor do first time mothers speak of their husbands as their best friends, as this is a stressful time in the marriage.

If this is even real, I suspect you are trying too hard to paint the picture of an idyllic marriage but you are not fooling us old gimmers. Sounds like a movie script written by someone who has not had a baby.

Your story still has a lot of holes in it.

satellitesunshine · 24/09/2023 00:23

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/09/2023 00:03

"Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH"

Grow up girl.

my thoughts exactly. what a way to sign off and complete the whole ‘making yourself look immature as shit’ thing 😅

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 24/09/2023 00:25

Look a 15 year age gap will always give me the ick-no matter which way round the gender so no, I don't think younger wives get a raw deal.

blueshoes · 24/09/2023 00:25

got lucky with good investments in property I made at 21. People can say that’s bullshit etc but it’s not

This is bullshit. How did you get the capital for the deposit for more than one property investment at 21 years of age, shitty childhood and all that?

Bedsbeds · 24/09/2023 00:28

That's what I thought. Investment needs capital but her salary started then. <Shrug>

Boomboom22 · 24/09/2023 00:28

It is annoying because I have always earned more and generally know more about pretty much everything but people assume otherwise because he is older. He does have lots of strengths though so ho hum.

Bellyblueboy · 24/09/2023 00:28

On another thread OP has opened up about years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of a much older man.

if we are it believe this thread she has put that abuse and chaotic childhood behind her to achieve considerable success at a very young age. She has married a much older man who has a stained and combative relationship with his and ex and she and her husband are not in agreement how to manage that.

OP I hope you are seeing a good counsellor to talk through all your trauma and explore how that trauma is impacting your choices.

I wish you all the best.

Nanaof1 · 24/09/2023 00:31

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/09/2023 22:04

@Wishitsnows i went straight from school, uni, professional qualification and into a high paying finance job.

I’m sorry but this just doesn’t add up, you are at a stretch, one year post qualified with a maternity leave added in, that does not equal a high paid finance job unless you’re an investment banker (unlikely given the mention of professional qualification) or your idea of “high paying” is low. What’s even more concerning is that you already outearn this man who has two children to support and is fifteen years deeper into his career. I sincerely hope you aren’t subsidising him.

I must have missed where she says he had other children. I've read through her posts. Could you point me to where she said that?

Oh, it was on another post. Sorry, I didn't think to go and read her other threads.

OP--I still think you love who you love and only you and he know what is in your hearts. I hope everything works out for you and you have a long and happy life together. My MIL was 13 years younger than FIL and they had a very long and happy marriage. I have a friend whose DH is about 13 years older and they are very happy. I also know many marriages where the ages were 1-4 years difference and the marriages were totally crap and some still are. Enjoy your life, your DH and your little one.

DiscoBeat · 24/09/2023 00:33

He left a long term relationship for a 21 year old?
Where does the OP say that?

CurlewKate · 24/09/2023 00:33

If nothing else-get a different solicitor.

ClifftopView · 24/09/2023 00:34

Bellyblueboy · 24/09/2023 00:28

On another thread OP has opened up about years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of a much older man.

if we are it believe this thread she has put that abuse and chaotic childhood behind her to achieve considerable success at a very young age. She has married a much older man who has a stained and combative relationship with his and ex and she and her husband are not in agreement how to manage that.

OP I hope you are seeing a good counsellor to talk through all your trauma and explore how that trauma is impacting your choices.

I wish you all the best.

If this is true than I'm sorry you've been through so much OP. I do hope this relationship turns out to wonderful for you both, even if a bit unconventional, but think that some counselling will still be beneficial for you with all you have been through.

DiscoBeat · 24/09/2023 00:36

And please get a new solicitor!

Darkest · 24/09/2023 00:44

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 21:28

Well that’s the Situation my husband is in and it’s not cringey at all to me? In fact his own mum said to me she’s never seen him so happy and content and we’ve been together 4 years now. I don’t think people are just so quick to judge and I don’t really genuinely understand why

Because your husband could have been my best friend's husband. He told her "the script". Fairly sure the new girlfriend got the "we were living separate lives, we slept in separate rooms" spiel despite the fact that this was news to his wife. He too now lives with his 25 year old girlfriend who also has a good job. He is a walking, middle aged cliche. I judge.

WandaWonder · 24/09/2023 00:45

I do wonder how you will be posting in a few years, 5, 10

Panaa · 24/09/2023 00:56

I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.
...............
i just came on to see if there was still a stereotype exists because I’ve really felt it recently and some posters here have confirmed it does.

The only time young girlfriends/wives get stereotyped like that is when they ARE being silly, they were the OW or they lap up everything the man says even though it should be obvious he's lying.....I see you and your husband have a bad relationship with the mother of his child....let me guess...she's his "crazy ex"?

But simply for being younger and meeting an older man, nope