To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

OP if you’re happy then that’s great - one of the lessons I learnt as I got older was to care less what other people think, honestly you seem quite hung up on perceived comments etc and I would just focus more on your own life and your happiness.

One red flag from me which perhaps suggests you could set some better boundaries is giving a misogynistic older man space in your life without querying it - in fact justifying it. If a solicitor spoke about young women like that in my presence I absolutely wouldn’t be giving him my business, nor would I think it was a compliment that he’d dressed it up as me being ‘different’ to his stereotype. The fact you can’t see that does worry me a little and I hope you stay safe and happy - and your new family brings you more stability and happiness.

This.

A 21 year old thinks she has a lot in common with a 36 year old because she has not had much life experience. You simply don't know what you don't know. But a 36 year old, having lived longer and had more experiences, would know they don't have a lot in common with a 21 year old. That is why people question the man's motives and the woman's if he is loaded. If he is not loaded, as in this case, the feeling is pity because she is giving up so much more. He has basically stolen her youth.

Some parts of your story don't add up. A solicitor does not call his client 'a young dope'. You outearning your dh at 25 after having only worked for maybe a year after your professional qualification and then immediately going on maternity leave at 24 so you have a 4 month old at 25. High paying professional jobs in Finance are pretty much sweatshops in the early years. If you love your career as you say, why do you have children so young and take yourself out of the running?

Your explanations are all a little pat but the above still jars. Good story but maybe needs a bit more work.

Genuinely

pLease tell me what amazing career you have at 25? That’s financially stable? As I have children and I’m guiding them to a financially secure future and in my experience After university it takes several years and I mean until 30s until you can call career amazing

reminds me of my sister. always went for age gap relationships and now married to someone 15 years older than her. thinks she’s the most mature person to walk the planet and that everyone envys her but is actually incredibly immature. i’m 25 and would not even date someone who is 20 because i know full well how much time changes you - your dh knows this too. why on earth would a grown person want to date someone who was a toddler when they were 18 and out drinking

I just read another of your posts OP and I think my observation of your immaturity was pretty spot on. But it sounds like your 40 year old husband is as immature as you, so probably a good match. Can't see this one lasting though...

honestly not trying to be controversial or anything just interested in where/why there’s this stereotype and where it comes from

I think the reality is that the stereotype is due to the fact that in most cases where a man of 40 and a woman of 25 have been together for four years or so, the relationship is usually not one that has been balanced when it comes to finances / power / opportunities / life experience etc.

You may be an exception to that but in general in relationships where one partner is 15 years junior to the other, starting where the younger one is only aged 20 or so, there is usually a huge imbalance in those areas.

And also this is completely anecdotal but the blokes I know of who were dating women in their early twenties when they themselves were in their late thirties were specifically looking for women that age whereas it sounds like you and your partner met and fell for each other rather than him actively always seeking out someone younger.

Don't take it personally, people (especially people his age and older) will just have seen a similar age gap many times and in many (but not all) cases the stereotype will be lived up to. Just be pleased you aren't living up to it I guess!

Give it ten years and you will be able to answer this question for yourself. But honestly, you sound naive.

I was wondering why posters were speaking about stuff that wasn’t in the OP. Then I did an AS and it makes sense. I doubt the OP would bother coming back now, probably would have been better to name change

I'm 55 and TBF I drink with a mixed age group and there's men of 70 who I still find attractive, they have good energy (some are still working as builders etc). I have a DP but we don't all age the same.

I don't judge age gap relationships immediately - there's over a decade between DP & I. But rather crucially, I was a LOT older than OP when I met him, and we were actually at similar stages in our lives in terms of DC, etc. He completely freaked out when he found out the age gap between us and said he felt like a creepy old man preying on a younger woman.

I still take the piss out of him for that, years later, because it's never been an issue. TBH, anyone who keeps saying 'I'm really mature!' almost certainly isn't...

I think because most of us in our 30s wouldn’t want to date a 21 year old. I’m only 34 and yet 21 feels like a kid to me. Yep, I’d judge, but I certainly wouldn’t judge you, I’d judge the man in this scenario.

Yes, some odd and concerning threads. It doesn't sound like the blissful set up op described at all.

Op his behaviour on that other thread is a huge red flag.

Awful men often pick young girlfriends who are too naive to see them for who they really are

This.

I won't judge the gap but, being a bit older than your husband, me and my DH have discussed this sort of thing and we wouldn't be interested in someone that much younger. The reason is just lack of life experience, lack of the knowledge and experience that brings to perspective, conversation, everything. I hope it works for you and your DH but it is unusual.

My parents had a 25 year age gap and were happily married. I wouldn’t pretend they didn’t both come into it with issues that led them to such an unusual age gap.

Would I do it? No.

It’s great you met through a love of sports and of course if your husband had met a woman 15 years older than him who loved sports and with whom he got on exceptionally well, the outcome would have been just the same right? Because age doesn’t matter.

Ok this took a mad turn. Again thanks for all the well meaning advice. To those who are bitter - you know what my DH might leave me, he might be with me to our dying days. I’m willing to take that chance. I feel very in love and so does he and I’ve vowed to tell our children not to settle for anything less than a love that can survive through thick and thin and find someone who is your best friend, who you can be totally yourself with…fancying the life outta them also helps! I hope the bitter people here find happiness.

Ps I was a straight A* student and started my career at 21 and worked my way up quickly and got lucky with good investments in property I made at 21. People can say that’s bullshit etc but it’s not. Also I have 9 months full pay from work whilst on maternity, I’m exceptionally lucky so everything is still split well between myself and my husband. I’m not disclosing my salary but I don’t qualify for child benefit. i also am lucky I would be able to financially support myself and my baby if anything happened DH.

i just came on to see if there was still a stereotype exists because I’ve really felt it recently and some posters here have confirmed it does. I feel sad at that because my life has been unsettled and I finally feel content.

im logging off and heading to sleep. Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH and looking forward to another day with my best friend.

@gutfightinghead - don't even bother to ask the question, and certainly not here. You know if you are happy. You don't need anyone to validate that. The prejudice out there is real.

I don't know that age gap relationships are necessarily a good idea - but on the other hand, I have seen them work in practice.

I am not going to reveal the ages my parents were when they first met because I can only imagine the reaction, which would be entirely and utterly wrong. They adored each other and had the most most loving relationship until they were parted by death after more than 42 years of marriage. Ironically my much younger mum died a mere 5 months from cancer after dad passed away.

There was absolutely no imbalance whatsoever in their relationship. If anything, my dad deferred more to my mum! He never limited her in any shape or form, He was far more active than most other dads I knew, fit and healthy into old age.

Mum always did say that it had worked out for her but that she wouldn't want the same situation for her daughter. I don't think she would have stood in the way though either.

So many people don't seem to understand that age is only a number. Friend of 60 recently married a woman of 68. They've been together for a quarter of a century. They seem to be very happy.

There are plenty of shitty relationships of all ages out there. Cherish yours if it isn't one of them.

To be fair one of our social circle groups there was a big age gap, but she was 31 and he was 50 and for some strange reason, and that seemed more palatable and he did actually leave his wife for her, but they’ve been together for 25 years and they’re incredibly happy so it was clearly the right decision.

As for the OP you earn more and you’re 25 I can see what he sees in you. And frankly when you’re 45 you’re still young enough to trade him in for a younger model so it should be him that’s worried not you.

I understand that you feel fine about your relationship at the moment, but I would put money on you feeling uncomfortable when you're approaching 36 (the age your DH was when he met you) and you consider how strange it would feel for you to begin a relationship with a 21 year old.

21 year olds and 36 year olds are a generation apart, not to mention the power imbalance and the slow dawning that you'll eventually become a carer to your much older husband - unless he trades you in for a younger model!

I think the "half your age + 7 years" rule for dating is a pretty good starting point in terms of an acceptable age gap for a relationship, and your DH was way off when he started dating you. I get that you don't like the stereotype, but it's a stereotype for a reason. Come back in a couple of decades when your 21 year old DD brings home a new boyfriend who's pushing 40 - see how comfortable you (and your DH!) feel with that!

It's great that you seem so happy!

You mention assumptions a lot. They don't come out of thin air- there are trends and patterns and things that happen a lot that the older you get the more you start to spot and notice. You might well be the exception in terms of there being an equal power imbalance etc, which is great for you, but you're not typical in that sense. Wish you all the best!

You do seem to be banging on about sex quite a lot. Excuse the pun.

Blimey, a 25 year old with a 4 month old kid, earning over £60,000 a year.

Fair play.

It’s amazing that you have managed to achieve a degree (maybe masters too) high paying finance career and a baby before 25.

I came up through finance - I graduated at 22 and didn’t hit high earning (proper high earning) until late twenties and that was without maternity leave.

to be honest it’s not a very family friendly industry and maternity leave in early twenties is highly unusual so well done!

I am not sure why you c are about what randoms think. You will be dealing with open sexism in work all the time - why some on mumsnet to try and convince strangers that your much older husband is a catch?

I've voted YABU because you asked for opinions, you asked where does the labelling of younger wives being naive come from, etc, and many women with opinions based on a lot of life experience have explained to you why at 29 you might not be as wise as you feel you are. Others have acknowledged that your relationship might be one of the exceptions to the stereotype, but explained why the stereotype exists. But you reacted very defensively and angrily rather than accepting that there are valid reasons many people hold this opinion.

I'm sure if you posted on a mens board you'd get a very different reaction. I know of a man in his 60s (a friend's ex husband) who took up with a 27 year old and when he posts pics on facebook his disgusting old friends are all "Well done mate" etc. Revolting in any universe, I hope you agree.

You are very young, OP. Not mature enough to realise that, like the other posters have pointed out, your history in other threads is available and out there.

Nothing stacks up in this story. And as main characters go, you need to grow and evolve.