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Original poster

To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

760 replies

gutfightinghead · 23/09/2023 20:59

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

OP posts:
Tribevibes · 25/09/2023 19:03

@FancyRat

You are right. Take the really handsome 40 year old. It’s a mediocre 21 year old who could bag him. He’s after the youth and she’s bagged herself a fit guy who probably wouldn’t have looked at her when he himself was 21 (if they were hypothetically the same age). An ego boost for both parties.

Lovely13 · 25/09/2023 19:08

As actress Joan Collins (about to be 90) said of her much younger and beloved husband, Percy, when quizzed about the age gap, she replied: ‘If he dies, he dies’.

Fuckingmentalme · 25/09/2023 19:09

Tribevibes · 25/09/2023 19:03

@FancyRat

You are right. Take the really handsome 40 year old. It’s a mediocre 21 year old who could bag him. He’s after the youth and she’s bagged herself a fit guy who probably wouldn’t have looked at her when he himself was 21 (if they were hypothetically the same age). An ego boost for both parties.

I disagree. People tend to date those who are similarly attractive.
A very handsome 40 year old would possibly attract a very pretty 21 year old if she was into older men of course.

toxic44 · 25/09/2023 19:10

My husband was 35 years my senior. I didn't marry him for money, he wasn't rich. I married him for love. He was kind, supportive, gentle. Age was meaningless to us although people were quick to snigger. Let them. When he was old and frail, nothing changed between us. I have never regretted my decision. As they say, better an old man's darling than a young man's fool. If you are happy with your man, let the marplots go twiddle themselves.

Tribevibes · 25/09/2023 19:11

@Fuckingmentalme

People of the same age will attract people who are similarly attractive. A really attractive 21 year old has the pick of the crop and 9 times out of 10 will pick a handsome chap her own age. Outliers in everything I guess but usually the 40 year old would need to bring good looks AND money to the table.

user1472151176 · 25/09/2023 19:15

I once got introduced as 'the midlife crisis'. Not by dh but one of his friends. I laughed it off. I've been a 20 year midlife crisis! Don't worry what people think. You know who you are and the older you get the less interested people become in age gaps.

Fuckingmentalme · 25/09/2023 19:16

Really? A 26 year old woman? I swear I read he was gay or I am confusing him for someone else? Had to edit to clarify we talking about Chris Evans. The reply button doesn't seem to be working

Fuckingmentalme · 25/09/2023 19:20

Tribevibes · 25/09/2023 19:11

@Fuckingmentalme

People of the same age will attract people who are similarly attractive. A really attractive 21 year old has the pick of the crop and 9 times out of 10 will pick a handsome chap her own age. Outliers in everything I guess but usually the 40 year old would need to bring good looks AND money to the table.

Oh yes. I was assuming this hypothetical handsome 40 year old would have money!

Pliudev · 25/09/2023 19:20

I have no idea about your personal situation. But it seems to me that men who marry much younger women aren't daft. When he is 75 you will be sixty and hopefully still enjoying life. However, he may soon develop needs that turn you into his carer and any freedoms you have enjoyed will be over. When you are in a similar position he will most likely be long gone. If you are happy now make the most of it.

Blankfluff · 25/09/2023 19:27

I have a 25 year gap with DP, him the senior. Very happy together for 3 years. My main issue is with the divorcee mums at the school gate. DP is very attractive even for someone 10 years his junior, and gets a lot of attention from various Mums with invitations for “playdates” such as taking two 10 year old boys for lunch at a local Gastropub together or taking them for a day at the beach together, hardly appropriate when you know someone has a partner and they often get upset and defensive when he rejects them. One has even told him I’m just a silly phase and he needs to find someone more appropriate. Never fails to amaze me.

If you’re genuinely happy, why give it the time of day? Of course you might have issues later in life, but with a near 50% divorce rate, clearly you can have relationship problems with anyone regardless of age.

Anon39 · 25/09/2023 19:35

When I was 19 I had a 37 year old “boyfriend” I thought it made me grown up and we were together for 4 years - I’m so lucky I didn’t get pregnant because I’m still in therapy for the trauma that monster caused me.

i am not saying you’re in the same situation but the power imbalance whether you believe it or not is there simply because he has lived longer than you and had more experience.

on the other hand my friend at work married a man 12 years older than her and they are so happy together so it’s definitely on the persons involved and not so much the age gap.

Cetim · 25/09/2023 19:37

Personally I am kot a fan of large age gaps in relationships mainly because I myself was with a much older man when I was younger 19 and 32. Had a lot of people see us as gross and saw me as a victim. Essentially I wasn't a victim I willingly entered the relationship. We lasted a year. But as time passed after the relationship and I turned 32 and older, I realised the massive difference in age between 32 and 19 and thought urge what the he'll was he thinking? I could never find a 19 year old attractive. I saw how naive I was at the time and I was mentally mature but emotionally he had the upper hand. I am being bias though because of my experience. I do think that when SOME men leave a woman they tend to look for someone more vulnerable or easier to be around as a way to make himself feel masculine again. This tends to be someone younger. Each to their own I say and just try to ignore people. There are plenty of happy successful age gap relationships that are genuine and that go the distance so don't worry what other people think.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 25/09/2023 19:44

I'm 10 years younger than DH. We met when I was 20 and he was 30. At that time I did get a couple of "silly little girl, playing at a relationship/house/etc" comments, mainly from his side before they knew me. He's not your typical bloke for his age, I'm not your typical girl (I don't mean to do the "I'm not like the other girls" rubbish some do, I just mean I was never really into partying, drinking etc and have always gotten along better with older. He still doesn't seem his age). Neither of us had anything when we met, because of where I was in life and the way the market crashes had impacted his career. We built our life together.

15 or so years on, nobody bats an eyelid at it. We occasionally laugh at how he's "being old" when he references something before my time, or how I'm "so young" when I don't get it. But its just in jest between us.

Sometimes they work. Sometimes they are very wrong. Only you know which this is, although tbh your posts all sound like you're trying to convince yourself your life is great, rather than the rest of us. But if everything you say is 100% true, you don't need anyone else to validate it. Just enjoy your life together.

Edited because somehow I wrote 101 years younger which is really wrong!

FancyRat · 25/09/2023 19:52

Edited because somehow I wrote 101 years younger which is really wrong!

Why did this make me laugh🤣
Very wrong indeed!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 25/09/2023 19:56

FancyRat · 25/09/2023 19:52

Edited because somehow I wrote 101 years younger which is really wrong!

Why did this make me laugh🤣
Very wrong indeed!

At least its made someone chuckle!! I can go to bed happy now, with my incredibly old man 🤣🤣

ambitchious · 25/09/2023 20:11

HTmmm · 23/09/2023 21:57

I was in a relationship like that. I would be worried for my daughter if she ended up in the same position. Describing a man near his 40s having a sexual relationship with a 21-year-old as cringe is being kind. Most people further into adulthood recognize this.

100% this.

IcedPurple · 25/09/2023 20:14

Fuckingmentalme · 25/09/2023 19:09

I disagree. People tend to date those who are similarly attractive.
A very handsome 40 year old would possibly attract a very pretty 21 year old if she was into older men of course.

Show quote history

But if we're just talking looks, a very pretty young woman could get a very pretty young man. Why go for a man old enough to be her dad?

IcedPurple · 25/09/2023 20:17

As they say, better an old man's darling than a young man's fool

Do "they" say that?

And what about being an old man's fool?

Tribevibes · 25/09/2023 20:20

When he’s 80 and dribbling away who’s the fool…..

TheaBrandt · 25/09/2023 20:29

It’s not the norm though is it? Pretty much everyone I know is aged within 5 years or so of their spouse. Big age gaps are definitely an aberration and I guess that can be uncomfortable it sets you apart from what most of your same ages peer group are doing.

Thinking about it one of my mothers school friends married a much older man he had literally fought in WW2! Remember it was much commented on she was widowed very young. Another of their gang had 4 husbands - they were a fun group!

DawnInAutumn · 25/09/2023 20:34

user1472151176 · 25/09/2023 19:15

I once got introduced as 'the midlife crisis'. Not by dh but one of his friends. I laughed it off. I've been a 20 year midlife crisis! Don't worry what people think. You know who you are and the older you get the less interested people become in age gaps.

Snap word for word. I am 22 years younger than my dh and we have been together 26 years. Two dcs one profoundly disabled as my labour was criminally mismanaged. We have lived in the same village since 2004 and I am still assumed to be a goldigger. You have to let it bounce off but I have my moments when my sang froid is dented. It’s everyday sexism.

Dacadactyl · 25/09/2023 20:35

There's a story in the press today about Bruce Willis and his younger wife.

He's something like 25 years older than her and now she's nursing him with dementia and looking after 2 pre-teens. God help her.

mandlerparr · 25/09/2023 20:56

I think this comes from the fact that while society considers an older person dating a noticeably younger person to be wrong, they don't think anything is actually wrong with the older person if it is a man. It is sort of looked at like a little kid taking a candy off the table without permission. Sure, it is wrong and everyone will say it is wrong, but it is also just sort of expected as a thing men do. If a woman does it, then it is wrong and something is wrong with her.
So, when a younger woman goes with an older man, society doesn't see her as doing a wrong thing unless they can paint her a gold-digger. But they do consider her to have something wrong with her.
What you are noticing is a part of society assuming that you must have something wrong with you or you must be damaged in some way to be with an older man. and it is worse for those people for you to be wrong than for him to be doing wrong.

Also, I am not saying any of it is wrong, just that the part of society that gives you those looks and remarks and whatnot, this is how they are thinking.

Loopylambs · 25/09/2023 21:21

I think the judgement is usually on the older man OP , rather than the women. I know several men at work / neighbours who are in relationships with women the same age as their daughters . That’s what I find cringey. Can you imagine your own daughter or son in a relationship with someone your age when they are young adults ?imagine someone you were at school with marrying your child in 20 years .Some men are obviously attracted to younger women but I wonder what is in it for the younger women ? A father figure ? stability?

LuvSmallDogs · 25/09/2023 21:26

@ShiteRider , what inadequacies would those be?

Nothing I've said has been a lie. Seeing very young women with much older men disgusts me as I've seen it play out with my peers, heard the older blokes boast about it. The anecdotes I've given are the absolute truth and not even the worst of it.

We all make judgements based on our experiences - it's how brains work, we see patterns.

13 years isn't necessarily horrendous, it's very different between a couple getting together at 35 y/o and 48 y/o vs a 16 y/o and a 29 y/o.

It's the older men going after the relative naivety of a much younger, inexperienced barely adult partner you should save your upset for.