To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Being critical or disapproving is one thing, but there do seem to be some disproportionately negative attitudes to op and her relationship

I'd bet most of our husbands are in their 40s. There will be plenty in their 50-70s who are good looking and or fit and in shape.

And again with the jealousy? Genuinely what is that about?
Those of us who were older woman were young women once, and I'm willing to bet there's not many of us who didn't have more opportunities than we can count to be with an older man.
In fact, unless we're so old that there's no men left alive who are older than us, should we be hankering for the opportunity now, I'm sure we could find it easily enough.
Older women are not looking at young women with older men and envying them. Many have a man that age at home already, a man who doesn't chase young women, and would have no interest at all in the type of man who did.
Most older women spent their own youth with young men, and may consider an older one now only because they're that age themselves and think they'd be more compatible, not because old men are the star prize in the relationship game.
So tell me, jealous of what?

Come on. What women alive hasn't been approached by a man 10 plus years older than her? It's very common. It starts at puberty and goes from there.

Flattered? Not really.

Jealous? Dear god. I remember those creeps when I was younger out and about.

A young woman can go on any dating site and instantly be bombarded with messages from blokes in their 40s, 50s, and above. There is no shortage whatsoever of such guys. However, most women are seeking relationships with attractive men close to their own age, so usually these men don't stand a chance.

What exactly is there to be jealous of?

I personally don’t think it’s jealousy. But I do think that older women forget what’s it’s like to be a 21 year old woman.
Yes, you’re a bit more naive at that age, no, you haven’t yet experienced everything life has to offer. But that also doesn’t mean you’re a complete simpleton.
Young women are babied so much nowadays. At that age you can vote, drink, have babies, have a mortgage, you can do everything.
God forbid we find someone older attractive though. Apparently we can’t think for ourselves when that happens.

You’re still wilfully ignoring all the very good reasons why the OP, and many others like her, was vulnerable when this man met her. It’s great it worked out for you, but very often it doesn’t. Because of the power imbalance and the fact that often, vulnerable women are targeted, or fall prey to older men who aren’t out for their best interests. I can’t see why you need to be so defensive that you can’t acknowledge this.

But where does age come in to that? If she’s vulnerable then anybody could take advantage of her, same age, younger or older.

I’m aware there are creeps out there, of course there are. Some men are vile. But the sweeping generalisation of an older man preying on a younger woman is just ridiculous.

I’m out. I, and others, have explained this several times above, pretty clearly.

Nobody is attacking you or your relationship, but you are taking the discussion very personally, so it’s not possible to make any sort of progress.

Go well.

This

Chris Evans ( Captain America not ginger) just married a 26 year old aged 42. But he's attractive and rich!

im logging off and heading to sleep. Was away there for a passionate encounter with my DH and looking forward to another day with my best friend

You sound about 12.

There are also rumours about him that won’t emerge until they replace Captain America. Men don’t go for much younger women unless there’s a deep psychological problem. You see this even in countries where society encourages age gaps - the men who love their wives the most, who are remotely close to normal, tend to have wives close to their own age.

Women don’t stop becoming attractive either - which is why most men and women marry spouses within 5 years of their own age for first and subsequent marriages. The data says that while men may be atttacted to much younger women they aren’t marrying them any more - I guess as childhood has extended only the most perverted people would go for someone in their 20s when they’re in their 40s-50s.

As a second, younger wife I get it- they assume you’re the reason the first marriage didn’t work out too. Unfortunately I think it’s just a stereotype that’s hard to shake - it bothered me at first but 20 years in it’s less noticeable and I care much less. People important to us know the truth and that’s all that matters …. Although when i first met my now MIL her response was - she’s lovely but a bit young ha ha

I'm in my forties, my husband was the exact same age as me.
But I've always - and definitely in my 20's - been attracted to older men (attractive ones obviously). And I know a few other women who are the same (and they are not in their twenties anymore either).
So I don't understand why posters can't understand why different people can have different things that they're attracted to.
They sound like people (well generally men) who say that no-one is attracted to fat people.

@JustAMinutePleass I agree with that too.

I think somebody made a really interesting point that being a young woman with an older husband means you can out-compete women in your husbands age bracket and have the appeal of youth -or something along those lines. Sort of a self esteem boost to both parties.

I find some older men attractive but would never date one. Part of their appeal is their maturity and dating someone 15 years younger is off putting to me.

I'm so surprised at all the negatively on this post! I don't think 15 years is an extreme age gap considering you were in your 20's when you met. You do you OP and ignore everyone else!! If you're happy then other people's opinions don't matter.

But that competition, if it exists at all, exists only in the minds of the young woman.
Women are not two binary camps young and old. All of us are both, just at different times. A young woman is merely experiencing a stage of life an older one has already had and moved on from. If one woman chooses to spend that life stage with an older man, so to a large extent, bypassing it, I don't see why that makes her the winner in a competition with another woman who's already enjoyed it, and with a younger man.
Even the young woman who a man leaves his older wife for has not 'won' as his wife has arguably already had the best of him.

This is well put.

I'm currently a 40-something woman who can see through a man's bullshit.

But I've also been the vulnerable teen who thought she was 'mature', and the pretty 20-something who thought she knew it all. I look back on some of the men that targeted me with utter disgust.

Excellent point and very well said.

I'm not judging but, I've never fancied anyone 15 years my senior. I just don't get it. I suppose a partner who is more sexually experienced could be good...but then, there's plenty of time for that later in life! Sexually, you will probably find he slows down way before you. Plus 4 years is early doors, as others have said.

The OP's previous relationship was with a "very abusive man". She said "I was unfortunately involved with a man before my DH who did see that vulnerability. I had therapy etc over it"

^ That is all the explanation you need when considering whether the OP may/may not be best placed to judge whether her relationship is a good one.

It doesn't sound as though she has ever seen a good relationship modelled (her family is toxic), and it sounds like she was targeted by an abuser while she was still a child. That background provides fertile hunting ground for a predatory older man.

Tbh I don't really understand why you care what other people think if your relationship is so great. My FH is 10 years older than me. It's never been an issue but if anyone did say anything I'd think it was none of their business.