To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Those things have been said repeatedly throughout this thread and you’ve continued the narrative by taking about about power imbalance, vulnerable women, men who dominate and control.

I'm 36 and would judge myself if I got with a 21 year old. However, as a 21 year old, I had multiple crushes on older, silver fox-type men and would probably have been up for it if one had come after me. Given my inexperience at the time, it would have been easy to fall in love with an older man, especially since I considered myself much more mature than my peers.

Years pass, experience of the world changes your perspective. Just wait until you are 36 looking at a 21 year old. You'll see what we mean and why people find this unsettling.

I would advise you to do some research (even just reading the relationships board here would do) to see how often, in practice, the circumstances I have described pertain, as opposed to your own relationship, which clearly goes against that grain.

I would be concerned about a daughter of mine in the situation described by the OP, and would then be delighted if her relationship defied the norm and was like yours. But there are more red flags in the OP’s situation than on a golf course, and I like it when women look out for women.

This thread has really descended into the nasty depths of the viper pit, with every word OP says (and some she didn't say) being picked apart for entertainment.

OP, this is a lesson for you: this is what happens to people who are perceived to be weak, naive, and vulnerable. That is definitely how you've come across here, and is, ironically, the very reason people find older men dating women in their early 20s creepy. You seem like prey to someone with more experience. With age, you'll likely develop better judgement and become more sceptical. I know it's patronising to say it, but it is almost certainly true that you'll be wiser when you're older. Doesn't necessarily mean you won't be happy with your husband, but your immaturity and his pursuit of you despite it, are discouraging factors.

He is 40. His ex gives him a very hard time.
You are 25. You eagerly have sex with him every night. You earn well.

No wonder he loves you so much and “has never been this happy before’.

There is a certain type of man who goes for that.
You’ll see this when you’re older.

Whilst I agree with you about the OP, your assumption that I’m naive is way off the mark. I support women of all ages, difference being that I treat every situation on its own merits rather than write people off and make assumptions. Obviously there are some unscrupulous older men out there who seek out vulnerable women but there are loads who are similar ages who do the same thing (I work with vulnerable young women and see this every single day). It’s the sweeping judgement and value statements which are offensive and would not be allowed to stand if it related to anything other than age. I also don’t think it’s anything to do with looking out for other women, if it was people wouldn’t be using phrases like ick and skin crawling.

It is just the mention of him being the happiest ever, seems like a mission has been completed. The ex couldnt do it but this 25 year has sorted the issue and made the man happy.

A 25 year old. Sex every night.
Has property and a good job.

Why wouldn't he be happy.

But your happiesness should be a priority. It is
Not a competition between you and the ex about who can make him the happiest.

I don't judge the younger woman I judge the older man! They usually go for someone younger for a reason, they are easier to control, more naive, as a trophy etc! A 40 year old man with a 25 year old immediately gives me the ick!

I was 28 and DH was 39 when we met. We were both single. He didn’t leave anyone for me (neither did the OP’s DH). We’ve been very happily married for 33 years. There’s no power imbalance we are equals.

I hope for you that he is vegetarian. Just saying.

That’s only an 11 year difference. You were nearly 30 and he was nearly 40. The OP was 21

You say 21 like she was a child. It’s so patronising.

21, having been in an abusive relationship for 5 years, resulting in a court case. So likely to have begun when she was below the age of consent. Then this relationship begins immediately. Do you think she had much chance to develop her own views, personality and self-worth during all that, enough to make her mature enough to handle this relationship? Hardly a meeting of equals, don’t you think, even with your own view on age gaps?

It’s not patronising.

There’s a reason that there are some things you can’t do until you’re 21 despite being an adult. This obviously varies across the world but is usually with good reason.

What things can a 21 year old woman not do in this country?

I agree with others. I would say that under the age of 25 people have a lot of maturing to do. A 20 year is completely different in outlook and experience to a 26 year old. There is a definite power imbalance going on if a 35 year old is sniffing round a 20 year old, when even 26 to 40+ would not be as much of an issue, as both parties are adults and have had time as adults to mature and grow.

Glad I don't have daughters sometimes, sons are less likely to have a 25-30 year old bf picking them up from school.

oohI don't know. Think Steven Fry, Dustin Lance Black- much bigger age gaps. There are many age gap relationships in the gay community. It's the same issue I think. Older man having undue influence over a younger boy.

Nothing at 21, some things not until you’re 21.

I did also say across the world/ Do we know the OP is in the UK, she only mentions not being in the mainland.

That solicitor isn't going to get far in his profession if he doesn't learn not to be so massively indiscreet!

I’ll be honest, I do judge couples with massive age gaps.

I guess it’s because age gap relationships are so overtly transactional - a la Hugh Hefner. The man gets a young body to have sex with and someone to take care of him as he ages, and the woman gets money and stability - plus she gets a man who’s hopefully less likely to trade her in for a younger model.

I’m guessing that’s why OP has emphasised how financially successful she is - so it doesn’t sound so transactional.

But to be fair, I think all relationships are transactional to some extent.

I wouldn't worry too much about what other people think, so long as you're both happy and your child grows up in a loving environment.
I was with somebody who was 22 years older than me for 9 years and we have a child together. He was married before and had 3 kids (yes they were slightly younger than me at the time). I left him after 9 years for a number of reasons. He has since gone on to have another 2 kids with somebody else!
It was certainly a learning curve and I understand looking back why I got involved with him and sometimes wish I had made different choices, but I wouldn't be without my child.
People judge, it's human nature. The stereotype will be from people who have experienced being traded in for a younger model, so to speak or have friends or family who have gone through it.
The people that matter in your lives won't judge you.
But I would be tempted to get another solicitor after that comment!!

I don’t have an issue with any sort of age gap. Genuinely don’t care. Not going to bang on about power balance and all that rubbish because every relationship is different and nuanced and while I’m sure many are toxic, just as many will not be.

I do however take issue with someone starting a thread to say “oh poor me I’m so misunderstood” and expecting everyone to agree, when actually they live a very privileged life and answer every question defensively attesting to how amazing they/their DH/DC/home life whatever is

when

• A - probably not all true with exaggerations
• B - plays into things that make other women feel shite (eg “whoever said babies don’t sleep”..)
• C - why do you need attention from strangers on line when your life is so amazing anyway

Idk at the very least it seems a bit weird/in poor taste

Imho, 15 years is when it can start to look strange. It's your being in your twenties that draws the attention. You'll look especially youthful next to him. If you were 35 and he 50, you wouldn't get as many comments.

I completely agree @CostelloJones

Yes, this was when I sensed a slight lack of authenticity😄

Some young dope from the Daily Mail or Bella probably…