To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Normally those who boast.aboit their great sex life actually don't have a great one ;)

I'm afraid that the narrative here just doesn't stack up, as many PPs have said. Add to that the boastful tone and weird varying between 'literally' and 'auntie flo' and it does become harder to believe. Let alone the solicitor encounter - I was in solicitor, bank manager, govt meetings, etc. as a 20yo for my family business, and not once did anyone speak to me like that.

I'll also point out that when OP was supposedly building up her amazing career, we were in lockdown. I think OP is obviously damaged by what has happened to her when younger, but I'm sorry to say I don't believe the present situation to be entirely truthful.

And I'm very much not ageist. As I said upthread, DP is over a decade older than me. He drives me INSANE at times because he always has to be doing something - he's a million miles away from my ExP (same age as me) who never moved off the bloody sofa after he came home from work. So age gaps aren't necessarily terrible, but you need to have been able to work out who you are in yourself before deciding if the age gap matters or not.

My DH is almost 3 years older than me and I'm already teasing him (lovingly) about his need to wear different glasses, have brighter lights and dislike of modern music. ("It's just noise").
He isn't yet 50! Though not far off it...

I had an age gap relationship and I'm forever grateful I escaped.

Especially once I reached the age that my boyfriend was when we got together. I had serious ick about it. There's NO way I would have been interested in a younger man with the same age gap. They are children.

Do OP other posts tie up with this narrative?
I cant check but other posters suggest they dont.

I would if it'd been proven that the 50 year old likes 21 year olds (hello, Mr DiCaprio).😁

One of her other threads appears to confirm that her husband has at least one child with his ex and the relationship is apparently so strained that when they go to pick them up from his ex's house she has a friend come outside to pass on any messages because she can't bear to speak to him. (Which would be a major red flag for me personally.)

Nothing about any of the career/money stuff.

Surely any maternity package would be in line with the company policy rather than how successful someone is.
Isn't that the point of having HR department? To make sure everyone is treated fairly?

There is also a thread about her family member still be friendly with her abuser. It was a five year abusive relationship before this relationship. So according to her timeline i this thread it would have stated when she was a child and continued j to university. Which is just awful for her.

her uncle now works for this man because he wants cash in hand payment.

It's just skin crawling to look at once you've seen/heard enough of how seedy/dysfunctional these relationships often are tbh.

These men usually have younger women as their "type" and brag to others about getting with someone significantly younger. I've had two men older than me flirt with me and (in response to me pointing out that they were too old) brag that they had exes even younger than me, as though I would want to follow in their footsteps?!

I remember one of my old schoolmates married a middle aged man at 18, and divorced him...ooh, in her mid 20s? My sister worked in a shop with this guy after the divorce and apparently he was all over Year 11/6th form girls, like would volunteer to be on till (which he hated) when teens would be buying booze to celebrate exam results so he could flirt with them. They never needed ID if he was serving them.

There's other examples of age gap weirdness I could dredge up, but I've made myself feel a bit ill now. Glad I don't have daughters sometimes, sons are less likely to have a 25-30 year old bf picking them up from school.

This is very sad.
Pleased she us now happier. However i do hope this older guy is not taking advantage of her insecurities and providing a 'father figure' role.

Of all the stuff written on here, this has really gone too far. Just fuck off with this offensive shit.

My husband and I have a 13 year age gap, we’ve successfully navigated blended family dynamics, raised four amazing kids, gone through serious illnesses in our nuclear and extended families. We’re a safe haven for vulnerable young people who often come to us for help and support, including relationship advice. We’ve been married for 25 years, are best friends as well as everything else that goes with a successful marriage (including still finding each other attractive).

But your immediate go to is to assume that it’s dysfunctional and seedy, and that we make your skin crawl. That says far more about you than us so maybe try and reflect on and address your own inadequacies as opposed to making up shit about other people.

Yeah it’s actually getting quite offensive now.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for these people to comprehend that you can be in a loving mature relationship even with an age difference.
There’s plenty of threads on here where the woman is being abused by a man of the same age. It’s not always the case that men ‘just like them younger’. It can just be that two people click!
Perhaps the women on here have never had that kind of relationship so they just can’t fathom it.
But as long as you’re exactly the same age, that’s all that matters.

Incredibly offensive and really shows how small minded some people are. I think there must be a deep unhappiness in them to be quite so vile about people and situations that don't concern them at all.

People are concerned about power imbalances, which disadvantage the much younger woman. Especially when,as in this case, the younger woman is very young. Meeting a 50 year old man when you’re 35 is fine - you are fully cooked, have seen some of life, had experiences and hopefully have a good idea of your own mind and most importantly, your own worth. The same gap when you are 19 or 21 is a very different prospect. Yes, of course there are instances where it can work, but lots of us have seen relationships like this where older, more experienced men prey on young and often very vulnerable women whom they can dominate or control. That is not healthy or desirable.

Do you and your husband have a daughter? Would you be happy for her to be in her teens/early 20s and in a relationship with someone your age (or your husband's)? No one is saying you have to be the same age. A 35 year old with a 50 year old is nowhere near the same as a 20 year old and 35 year old. The younger is barely out her teens. She was a literal underage child 3 years ago. Meanwhile, a 35 year old has had time to establish a career and been an adult for nearly 20 years at that point.

They're in very different life stages and this opens up the younger person to enter a controlling relationship that they think is normal due to their inexperience. As it stands OP was in a controlling relationship from 16-21 and then straightaway in a relationship with her much older husband. This is not great. She was vulnerable.

Righto.

There is no convincing you all that an age gap relationship can work out.
Apparently we’ve all been abused.

Your reading comprehension could do with some improvement, then.

If you are on the defensive because you met your much older partner when you were very young, then you should note that I said that some such relationships can work out.

But in this case, the OP has other threads which show a) that things aren’t as rosy as they appear from this thread and b) she was previously seriously abused and very vulnerable when they met.

If you want to project your own circumstances on to this relationship, which looks very unbalanced to most of us, then you are just as blinkered as you claim everyone else is.

People are concerned about power imbalances, which disadvantage the much younger woman. Especially when,as in this case, the younger woman is very young. Meeting a 50 year old man when you’re 35 is fine - you are fully cooked, have seen some of life, had experiences and hopefully have a good idea of your own mind and most importantly, your own worth. The same gap when you are 19 or 21 is a very different prospect. Yes, of course there are instances where it can work, but lots of us have seen relationships like this where older, more experienced men prey on young and often very vulnerable women whom they can dominate or control. That is not healthy or desirable.

This.

Most people who are genuinely happy don’t feel the need to argue their case about it online.

Just saying.

I knew someone would say this 😆

That happens regardless of age difference, lots of relationships don’t work out for lots of different reasons. It’s literally only where a man is older than the woman (not even the other way around), where it’s considered to be OK to say things like seeing these couples makes my skin crawl.

I’ve seen lots of forces relationships break up, doesn’t mean it’s OK to make assumptions about people’s motives, cast judgement or say it’s disgusting.

You can dress it up as concern but when you’re making assumptions and accusations about abuse, saying that seeing couples makes you feel sick etc that’s not concern, it’s judgemental, narrow minded, damaging nastiness.

Of course, that’s bollocks. When you’ve read twenty one pages of idiots making sweeping statements about you and your life, calling you and your husband names, claiming that your relationship is based on a power imbalance and is abusive, you want to challenge that.

I haven’t said any of the things you say I have.

I’d be so upset if my 21 yo dd hooked up with a 36 yo man. It’s the power imbalance, almost like a grooming situation that feels very uncomfortable.

my previous post is harsh… I am projecting for sure. I was in a similar situation and in the moment felt I was in control and everything was a relationship of equals, like shit it was. At 21/25 you are still growing through a period of learning about yourself and life. Take note of his opinions and behavior when your views do not align. Does he give you freedom to be fully yourself? Does he appreciate you for the person you are, or is he moulding you to suit his own needs and wants.