To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

Would you have the same concerns if it were a 35 year old with a 50 year old? Or a 40 year old with a 55 year old?

No. For fairly obvious reasons.

@PumpkiPie the age gap was significantly more and even if it weren't, it's your experience. You are a different person. So was your ex. Whose to say op will end up with a 'grumpy old man' and not an active, fun loving, hands on partner who just happens to be older than her?

So much prejudice and stereotyping. Even your use of 'grumpy old man' and the charming poster who said he'll be 'limp soon' plays into all these cliches. It's not everyone's experience. And it's such ageist, disrespectful crap. I'd be mortified if I was spoken about that as a woman.

Its 'irrelevant' because you're spoiling the fantasy. The Basement Bernards on here are all getting excited by the idea that there are 21 year olds not only marrying older men and having 'unbelievable sex', but earning enough to pay for them to finally move out of their mums. Don't burst their bubble.

From my perspective the red flags she raised was in her immature description of how unbelievably amazing her life is, how successful and rich she is. The facts didn’t really add up and her communication style did not match someone who claimed to be so senior in the world of finance.

her story of the solicitor being so blown away by how successful and sensible she is that he apologised for his preconceptions.

saying she got amazing maternity leave because of how successful she is is strange.

it doesn’t ring true.

if op had come and said she is in a happy relationship with a baby and is making a good start in her career but worries people underestimate her because her husband is a bit older she would have gotten a more positive response.

but all the odd bragging about her sex life and property empire and seniority and amazed solicitors raised eyebrows.

the lady doth protest too much.

So your issue isn’t that she’s in a relationship with an age gap, more the fact that she claims to be financially successful?

So mind your business then? Concentrate on your own life and/or relationship.

Errrr... OP posted about it on a comment forum asking what people's opinions are and their rationale for them. It's a bit strange in that context to tell people to "mind their own business".

I think the reason people question the situation is that whilst at 25&40 it all seems great, you'll be 50 with a dp approaching retirement , and the chances are you will by default become his carer. I notice the difference and we are only 8 years apart.

No, that she appears to be creating a bit of a fantasy life to stick it to people who judge her. Pretending things are rosier than they are. It’s all a bit childish and silly.

I think she is making some of this up and that clouds the response.

it’s not clear why she has posted - the only example she has given of judgement is for a solicitor who fell on his sword when he met her and realised how amazing she is

Unfortunately, it's just reality. Yes, some men are amazing, fun-loving, active, hands-on partners as they get older, but this just isn't the case in lots of men. My ex went from fun loving, hands on older man to grumpy old fart within a decade as do lots of men (includingmy own brother). Women are often attracted to men in their late 30s/40s for the reason that they are attractive, older guys who are attentive. Not many younger women are attracted to men 50+ because they are usually either grumpy, gross or creepy. You call it ageist, some call it realist.

Among generalisations and stereotypes, there are individuals in these relationships with different personalities and experiences.

I met my husband when I was 23, he was 33 and divorced (for 2 years - married young) with 2 children. My parents were not impressed and neither were most of my friends.

We are now 55 and 65, have 2 DC, 25 and 26, spend lots of time with DSC as well, even have Xmas dinner together with DH exW as well. I am not saying that it’s been easy because there were difficult times but if you all want it to work then it can.

I am a fairly straightforward person from a “normal” background, no trauma, I just met someone I really liked and felt comfortable with and took it from there.

I have experienced some of the attitudes that the OP has referred to and it can be disappointing as usually you are being judged by someone who doesn’t even know you.

Im not saying that every relationship with an age gap is healthy or will work out, and yes, the carer role is always a potential reality, but I’m glad that I took the chance back in 1991!

@PumpkiPie it's not just ageist, it's sexist and pretty dim. It's also quite arrogant to assume that your experience is 'realism'. Lol.

But by your logic eventually we will all end up with grumpy, gross, creepy old men (providing we live long enough). So what you're really saying is only grumpy, gross, creepy old women should be with grumpy, gross, creepy old men. Nice.

Such a depressing thread that really highlights just how judgemental and arrogant some posters are. I love that people are also speculating on the integrity of the op. The poster who claims that the op is making out her life is rosier than it really is....you don't know the first thing about her life from a bloody post on MN. It's laughable.

You seem to be suggesting that most males over the age of 50 are grumpy gross or creepy. What on earth happened to you to make you so judgemental and prejudiced against such a diverse group of people?

I hope you’re able to address whatever it is before it affects your or other people’s live negatively.

I love this

Without fail these age gap threads end up full of really nasty ageism.

Really upsetting. I’m going through a horrible time at the moment, and my 64 year old husband has kept the house running, fed me, hugged me, listened to me at all hours of the day and night, cried with me…he’s held me up.

He’s not creepy, grumpy or gross. How dare you?

She isn't. She's merely pointing out that to the average young woman a 50 year old men would be gross and creepy if they tried to have a relationship with her. Most young women do think much older men are 'gross' in terms of sexual partners. Most young women would find a 50 year old man's advances 'creepy'.
Most people observing a 50 year old man in pursuit of a 20s woman would also find him creepy and gross.
Thats not the same as saying all 50 year old men are creepy and gross.

The poster who claims that the op is making out her life is rosier than it really is....you don't know the first thing about her life from a bloody post on MN. It's laughable

You can because her story does not stack up.

She has committed herself to a narrative whereby she is independent, has a successful career and property x2 investor on her own steam with a 4 month old who sleeps 7 hours and has passionate encounters every night except when on her period (except she used a weird antiquated term) all at the ripe old age of 25 have spent most of her teens in an abusive relationship in a shitty childhood and having taken a student loan, so no financial leg up. If you believe all this, you must be born yesterday.

She needs to show she is independent and does not need him so to prove to us she is with him out of her own free choice and will. But to try and explain why she accomplished all that at 25 is frankly silly. If she pushed out her age to 30, it might work.

No sorry. She is a fantasist. I'd bet good money her life with her dh is not as rosy as she makes out and I haven't even bothered to read her other thread where it is clear it is not.

I’ve always been mature for my age.

Every woman in a relationship with a much older man is convinced hat they're incredibly 'mature'.

I don’t drink, I hate going out, I just like my career and love my now family.

How do you define 'maturity'? Because none of the things you have mentioned necessarily indicate 'maturity'.

You keep saying ‘assumption’ when people are basing their thoughts on experience. Your posts don’t read like somebody highly educated in a professional role. You sound quite immature.

My age gap wasn’t as big but I was similarly young and even though you feel mature now, you will (probably) continue to mature but he likely won’t. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I challenge that idea every time it comes up. Girls being 'more mature' is used for everything from excusing boys' behaviour to old men dating teenagers. It's really very worrying. If you f women are so much more mature, how come that doesn't translate in them being given higher wages, more responsibility and climbing the career ladder much faster. Why isn't the House of Commons full of young women? Board rooms?

It only seems to apply when it suits men's wants and needs. Otherwise young women are patronised and disempowered in comparison to men.

I bet that poor 16 yo that went to Russell Brand's house had been fed that line.

This is such a wise post.

Exactly.

Female 'maturity' is only used to suggest that girls and women should be more responsible and better behaved than men. Or it's used by creepy older men to impress their much younger woman. 'Oh, you know I don't normally go for younger women. But it's different with you. You're just so mature for your age!'

Because of course you are.

Have you read OP’s other threads?

this is posted on AIBU. OP invited a lively debate - because that is what happens on this thread. In my opinion a lot of what OP has posted sounds silly and made up.

i think it’s hard to get two mortgages at 21 when you a fresh out of university and have large student debt. I think it’s hard to save deposits for two properties when you are at university. Okay I think in some sectors and in some cities it is possible to earn over £60k with four years post graduate experience. It’s rarer if you don’t live on the mainland. But I think the story put all together, plus the odd encounter with the solicitor, just doesn’t ring true. Particularly once you match it with OPs two other thread. I think parts are true but it’s been exaggerated.

Can you all stop discussing the op while she's not here to defend herself please. She's busy having amazing nightly sex while the new baby sleeps for seven solid hours.

Pretty sure she's in Northern Ireland. We use "wee girl", and "mainland" to talk about Scotland/England/Wales, and the way she said "there", when talking about her passionate encounter lol. Also, in some parts of NI property is very cheap. I'm Northern Irish. She's still a smug prick though 🤗

"Age is just a number" often gets trotted out, but the fact is that only applies to much older men with younger woman.

Absolutely this.

How many 40 year old women are settling down with much younger men who are 'so mature for their age'?