To think the young gf/wife gets a raw deal

[gutfightinghead]

I’m 15 years younger than my DH. We have been married a year and have a 4 month old baby. I’m 25, he’s 40 and we’re both in great careers, have our own home, financially stable, unbelievable sex life and genuinely happy. We have our disagreements like everyone else but on the whole it’s a healthy, happy relationship.

however - I still find I get a lot of sneers and as if I must be a young bimbo for being much younger, like I’m a silly wee girl. We got a lot of ‘oh she’s a silly young girl’ or ‘she’s his mid life crisis’, ‘it’ll never last’ etc.

just recently we had an appointment with our solicitor about something and he apologised and we said why? And he said he got us all wrong on paper he expected some young dope not someone with career, sensible etc

ive also noticed on mumsnet itself a lot of younger gf/wives etc get a bad name or labelled very quickly.

if they’re the other woman I completely understand as I know that sometimes is the case when there’s a younger gf/wife but apart from that I don’t understand why we get labelled so badly or as if we are silly/naive/stupid??

@isthismylifenow regardless of the size of financial companies on the Scottish Isles, there are no tuition fees for Scottish students studying at Scottish universities so op wouldn't have a tuition loan if she was Scottish

Oh dear...another hole in the story...

You just proved my point isthismylife 😁

That went well 🤣

This is just getting silly now.

"That wealthy"? 🤔😏

Channel Islands maybe?

Although yeah, that doesn't fit with Scottish vocab generally.

Anyway, personally I wish you well OP. My comments were meant genuinely. But a traumatic childhood, being desperate for stability and "normal family life", working much harder than everyone else to get there with study/ career and then falling prey to an older man who isn't your equal and feeling flattered by his attention which is based on your youth and mistaking that for actual love and therefore being used... sadly it's not an unusual tale. Your defensiveness about it when it was you who raised the topic for discussion here is concerning, like you think you can will it into being ok by working harder at it because that worked with studying etc but that doesn't work with reltionships, when there is someone else involved who may have different intentions to you, because you're not in control of what happens here, only half of it. Certain men can identify damaged young women who need validation and take advantage of this. You don't sound very happy, really. 😕 Like you're trying to convince yourself that you are because you need to believe it.

“Yeah I am Smug”

Have you considered this may be why you “get sneers” rather than being stereotyped for being married to an older man

Op hasn't come across brilliantly but then again neither have the people who seem to suggest that anyone in an age gap will relationship will wake up one day and suddenly get the ick from someone they've loved, fancied, had kids with and gone through life with because - shock horror - they're old!!!

Imagine being that shallow....

Yeah, the shallow people are the posters expressing concern, not predatory men of nearly 40 who suddenly feel an intense connection to a teenager. 😒

Yeah because that's how every single age gap relationship works - predatory man, dumb woman. Gotcha.

Try broadening your mind a bit, or if that fails mind your own business and stop judging other peoples relationships.

Quit possible the most dense thing I have ever read on MN. Most of the replies the the OP are shameful, and they accuse men of being bad 😂

There must be some really angry and bitter women on this tread, more than happy to rip a young woman to shred just to get their kicks.

May be man meets woman, they have a connection they date fall in love then discover they have a big age gap. nothing seedy or grubby they just do, and then have a perfect happy life together. I appears the nasty bile lovers on here wont handle that.

Op I was you. Met ex dh when I was 20, he was 43. Spent my 20s acting 50. Had 2 kids with him but was always seen as a teen (didn't help I looked really young and baby faced). I completely lost myself, well actually I'd never really had the chance to discover who I really was. I was happy enough, but as I approached my late 20s I realised I had missed so much and was living a life way to "old" for me. I hit 30 and realised I was married to this grumpy 53 year old man who was now thinking about his downward track to retirement whilst I was 30, still young and hadn't actually experienced the life I should have when young.
I got divorced and started being my age, as opposed to a middle aged life way beyond my years having to justify every move whilst trying to act way older to be taken seriously.

Are you talking about someone other than OP or are you getting the maths mixed up?

Try broadening your mind a bit, or if that fails mind your own business and stop judging other peoples relationships.

I have zero desire to "broaden my mind" to be more understanding of men with 20+ years of adult life experience pursuing teenagers/ those a couple of years older.

Op I was you. Met ex dh when I was 20, he was 43.

Well, not really, given that's a far bigger age gap.

Cool story 👍🏻

Irrelevant to the op though.

Are you talking about someone other than OP or are you getting the maths mixed up?

No, if you read it properly you'll see the comment of mine you responded to was about age gap relationships between middle aged men and extremely young women in general, in response to @hallecherry's comment to me also in general terms, not about the OP's situation specifically. My comments about the OP's situation I have directed to her.

It isn’t something I would ever wish for my daughter. Enjoy the sex now before he goes limp. You’re also incredibly defensive. She doth protest too much springs to mind.

So mind your business then? Concentrate on your own life and/or relationship.

The op isn't a teenager. You don't have to 'express concern' or imply that she doesn't know her own mind. It may come as a surprise to you but not all women in these scenarios are groomed. Some actually are capable of making sensible decisions about their own love lives.

I think you’re doing the same thing to an extent by completely understanding that it’s ok to think this way if it’s an OW. Whilst it’s ok to feel whatever they need to feel about the OW it’s surely exactly the same thing that’s happening to you if someone judges the OW based on her age alone. Don’t mean this in any bad way at all, just think if you’re judging someone in the fact they’re younger and attaching stereotypes to them based on that then it’s the same thing you’re doing even if they are the OW X

The op isn't a teenager. You don't have to 'express concern' or imply that she doesn't know her own mind. It may come as a surprise to you but not all women in these scenarios are groomed. Some actually are capable of making sensible decisions about their own love lives.

Yes, but in OP's case she had a troubled childhood and an abusive 5 years relationship immediately before this man. Grooming (or at least an unhealthy dynamic) is a very very likely scenario.

A decent man in his 30s, told that a 21 yo woman had a troubled childhood and an abusive relationship just before meeting him might pause, and suggest she works on her stuff, rather than embarking on a sexual relationship. A decent man might worry that she needed counselling, rather than marriage and kids with someone in a custody battle.

A young adult woman going out with a guy much older is what is whether it's 15 years or 22 years. The difference is negligible.

It's not irrelevant, it's the same scenario give or take the age gap being more in my case.

But she said she's happy. This wasn't a cry for help post. Or even asking for relationship advice. She claims to be very happy and settled with this man yet she's been ridiculed, patronised and insulted. Why?

Would you have the same concerns if it were a 35 year old with a 50 year old? Or a 40 year old with a 55 year old?

There is such judgement towards age gap relationships on MN. If it's not for you, fine. But some of the comments on here are utterly vile.

I agree. No idea why the OP has been berated and torn apart on here.