To expect DD16 to be kinder

[IsItUs]

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

I'm frankly amazed at how many people are excusing this girls behaviour 'because teenager'.

She shouted at her own mum "you're fucking mental!" and stormed off, leaving her hurt from a fall carrying heavy bags.

Utterly disgusting.

You're right, it's well beyond normal teenage behaviour. She was cruel and she was offensive. She shouldn't treat anyone like this, let alone her mother. It sounds as if it's all gone a bit too far with her. Both parents are going to need to work together to improve the situation.

Absolutely excellent advice - it doesn't matter if she huffs and would rather not hear it; the point is that earning the trust back is a matter for her

I'm deeply sorry this downright cruelty happened to you at all, OP, but it sounds as if you're finally dealing with it and I wish you the very best

Hope the conversation is going well.

it’s worth soaking your muscles tonight, if you’ve got any Epsom salts they can help too. I find stiffness can be worse after 24 hours.

Same.

My DM and I had a VERY tumultuous relationship while I was a teenager (I will admit to having been quite horrible, in hindsight [not proud]), but had she fallen in front of me I would never have treated her that way!

Thank you all. Her first words on arrival were"what's for dinner?"
Chat done. Much crying and hysterics from DD. She's adamant she was trying to help me up but I ignored her. I have no recollection of this but can't 100% rule it out as I was winded and shocked. I'm sure I'd have taken her help (if offered) and got up though if I could. She acknowledges she didn't carry the bags, walk with me, check on me or anything. She says she was trying not to cry as she was shocked and upset too. DH was clear she should have shown concern, carried bags and checked on me when home.
A fair bit of "I can't wait to leave home" etc. We had examples to give of her entitled selfish behaviour. She insisted she's going to help more and that she wants to spend time with us. (She usually rejects any suggestions)
Time will tell. She was in a lot of denial so I said I will be pointing out each time she's rude or inconsiderate.
She's gone upstairs sobbing.
Thank you all. I'm interested to see how the coming days pan out.

Well done OP.

The crying sounds very much like her attempt at emotional blackmail since she couldn't stand that she wasn't getting away with it.

Well done, OP.

I hope she changes her attitude. Do keep us updated, if you want.

You could cancel the phone contract and contact lenses if she doesn’t improve. She won’t come to any harm using a brick PAYG and wearing glasses. If she wants them back she can improve her attitude or pay herself.

Oof. The coming days are going to be hard. You've told her how she's behaved and she's going to have to come to terms with that. It will be very painful for her as I'm sure she thinks of herself as a nice person.

Let her sob. Right now she's in self pity mode but I'm sure she'll turn it around.

Yes, she can get a Saturday job and pay for her own phone.

If she’d been trying to help you up the nice man wouldn’t have had to as she’d have already been in front of you.

It sounds like you both sounded serious keep at it she's had a bit of realisation I think.

Yeah she's feeling sorry for herself and "devastated " .

Thanks all. I pay for the contact lenses because she is extremely short sighted and that's not her fault. Glasses make her eyes look like pin pricks as prescription is v high. She also does a lot of sport - trampoline and ball sports where glasses would be a pain.
The phone is kind of needed - for train tickets, contacting her etc.
I know it sounds like excuses but these are basics.
If she doesn't improve the clothing allowance will go and she'll need to earn every penny. I have forked out for extras and that will stop now.
I'm hopeful. She seemed shocked. There were many things she didn't have answers for.
I will update in 2-3 days as to whether there's any changes.
Thanks all. It's helped me a lot.

I mean .getting a p/t job doesn't mean you stop financially looking after her she's 16 and still a dependent I would just re assess her needs the wants are another thing.

No age limit or relationship limit on being a bitch. So nasty. I don't know what I would do, but it would change my future behaviour to her, you know where you stand now, look after yourself first and second and her very, very last.

I wouldn't go any further for now, such as cancelling her phone or whatever, I think a talk from her parents about how disappointed they are might be quite effective and sink in, especially if you are normally very nice and excuse her bad behaviour.

In my experience behaviour like this doesn’t come from nowhere. Hand on heart when she was a child did you role model the empathetic behavior you expect her to show you? Mum never did - she tended to catastrophise or amplify my mistakes or accidents (I used to get harsh punishments for breaking glasses, was laughed at when I fell). Now years later my parents the ones I really struggle to be kind to. I have to force myself to do it - and I imagine if your DD feels similarly complex emotions about you she’ll eventually learn how.

I wish you the very best of luck. This experience (and the thread) have been pretty brutal and you've taken it all on the chin.

I hope you see a big change. I'd spend the next few days thinking about what minimum standards of behaviour you expect so that you can absolutely clear with her. There is a line and she can no longer cross it.

She's adamant she was trying to help me up but I ignored her.
Rubbish. She knows she didn't help otherwise why did a stranger jump out of his car? And even if you did refuse in your shock it does not mean she can scream at you 2 minutes later. She's so used to lying to your faces and getting away with it. I would stop her clothing allowance for a start, she needs something tangible as a punishment and something she really wants to earn back.

Good luck OP, and hope you are feeling better after your fall.

No this is honestly not the case. I've always been kind when she's hurt or unwell, and she saw a lot of caring from me for my parents in their final years.
The only person who's cold and prickly is MiL but she doesn't see her more than a few times a year.
It makes it hard to understand as I always step up to help when someone needs it.

Maybe she saw your kindness as weakness instead of the positive character trait it is.

Or for some reason she decided you weren’t worthy of the kindness she gives to her friends’ parents, for example.

Well done for speaking up. The fact she got upset is perhaps a good sign? Agree this is way beyond normal teen shit selfish behaviour

That’s a kind interpretation.
I think it’s more likely that’s she’s a typically self absorbed teenager. I say typically but mine weren’t like that because I’m a firm believer in “you can’t pour from an empty cup”
Now they’re fledged and live away now and the kindness and consideration goes both ways. We praise each other, thank each other, because since childhood I modelled good boundaries, praised them but also occasionally lost my shit when they were thoughtless.
There’s no way I’d have been carrying more than my share of the bags in the first place.
Funnily enough my friends say I do more than average (lifts, shopping trips, chats and holidays) but the relationships are very strong.
In short- make your needs known.