To expect DD16 to be kinder

[IsItUs]

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

Sounds like she rules the whole house!! You need to be tougher Op, even my DS5 helps me carry the shopping. You all need to stop doing stuff for her and make her learn to be grateful. If she doesn't carry half the shopping, she doesn't get to buy things!!

I don't think she was 'scared'. Even a few hours later she made a sarcastic comment about getting a lift to the station.

She sounds generally selfish, self absorbed and entitled though, sorry OP. She has to behave with her friends as their friendship is conditional on her being ok. She knows with you though (given you say you do a lot for her, and you're kind) that (it sounds like) she can treat you like absolute shit and you keep coming back for more. It doesn't matter if her dad has a word with her as its a pretty engrained pattern of behaviour between you too now.

You did her a massive favour walking to the shops with her ans buying her stuff and she sounds completely ungrateful. She wouldn't even carry her own stuff, it's completely expected that you carry it...because you always do. I'd have been tempted to use all her stuff that you carried back yourself on the basis that if she can't even be arsed carrying it, she doesn't really want it.

When our kids are young we naturally do everything for them and it's tempting to do all we can to make their lives better and easier. But it does need to gradually change into an adult to adult relationship otherwise you will snap when she is still a mid 20s completely entitled adult

I wouldn't be carrying her shopping for a start. Her behaviour was callous. Why would you accept the shopping bags back? Is she usually cruel to you? I wouldn't be tolerating being walked over, and would be setting some expectations.

Bless you, OP

I expect your daughter was scared and embarrassed. Quite often anger and defensiveness are used to hide vulnerability and fear

However once you were both home her real personality was able to show. And she continued to be very unpleasant

I think she needs some help to show her how horrible she can be

She can't be allowed to treat you or anyone badly again

I don't think ADHD has anything to do with this. And as for someone saying she reacted like that as she was really scared?? Why would she be really scared about someone taking a tumble? She was completely out of order and needs to grow up. I wouldn't be sat in the kitchen crying I'd be telling her she can forget any trips to the supermarket to get her things in future until she can start behaving like a considerate human being.

This! ⬆️ She was a little bit!tch - I would be VERY pi$$Ed off with her & would be telling her so....& re-thinking how much I do for her for a while.

Lol. It does work, I can tell you now. But you only have to do it once.

Grotty teenage behaviour??

I have teenagers. Grumpy, uncommunicative? Yes occasionally

cruel? Unfeeling? Utterly devoid of respect? Hell. No

No, that's not on, my teenage daughter can be a pain but she would never do this. You have every right to be upset.

That iced tea and conditioner would be down the sink for a start. So would her phone and any other non necessity that I pay for. If she wants to act like a nasty entitled little brat, I'd smacktreat her like one.

Teens are selfish but she does sound like she’s stuck in 13 year old mode, by 16 they usually have improved a bit.

As everyone has said, talk to DH and agree a strategy where she simply doesn’t get the option to take you forgranted like this, and make her start helping at home.

Fingers crossed she will improve, but if she is naturally selfish, you at least want to try and improve it.

Sorry you had a shock. Keep up the nurofen for 24 hours. If you don’t exercise now is a good time to take it up - it really helps with balance which goes as we get older.

Well that was unnecessary and just the attitude the 16 year old had !

What a little brat. Glad you have decided to change your approach, OP.

OP, my DD is 12 and I had a similar experience when I fell near a slippery swimming pool. Two strangers showed more concern than she did. Her excuse was "oh, you sprang right back up and kind of smiled" - she's right that I did get back up but it was a stretch calling it a "smile" when I was obviously grimacing in pain. For what it's worth, she's likely got ADHD and her sometimes-nasty attitude seemed like it emerged around the age of 11-12 because as a little girl she was sweeter. She's also lovely to her friends and friends' parents.

My teenage son is autistic and wasn't with me when I fell but felt so horrible for me when he heard that every time I went near that swimming pool he would offer a hand and/or look on in concern.

Hope you are able to recover quickly, I'm in my early 40s, my fall wasn't much but it was a real fright and a moment of "Oh, I'm not as strong and bouncy as I used to be" which can certainly mess with one's mind!

She's not here for the chat, but will be back from her sleepover tomorrow.
Unfortunately she is selfish, I do know that. I know teenagers are often like that but today's reaction was still a shock. Hopefully Enidspyton has explained that reaction.
Nonetheless, things need to change. She helps out very little and does behave overly entitled.
I shouldn't have taken the bags from her but some of the stuff was mine so I'd have had to stand there and sort it out. At that point I just wanted to get to the alleyway and off the main road where there was queuing traffic that had seen me go sprawling, and my focus was on not crying rather than leaving DD's shopping behind.
Not my best day.

I agree with this.
My Dm tripped in front of me at about the same age. I genuinely thought she'd had a heart attack. If I'd had a mobile I'd probably have called for am ambulance.
Dh wasn't injured at all and was a bit bemused at my reaction.

I'd say similar Scattery my DD's behaviour deteriorated around 12/13.
She can be thoughtful - the last 2 Christmases she has spent hours making me ribbon and card spiral bound photo books of my best moments of the past year in secret. Loads of work and thought, and she's so excited to give them to me.
It's a while since I've actually been on the receiving end of nice behaviour though. She ignored (not forgot) Mother's Day. She felt bad after and ordered a gift but it was pointless really 5 days later!

I don't know an awful lot about ADHD do you think som of her attitude is because of her ADHD?

I don't. I know it could affect some like this but not DD. This behaviour is reserved for me. It feels like contempt more than a lack of empathy.
What I wear, how I exercise, my opinions, etc, all are sneered at.

Do you ever call her out on it OP?

So when she's sneering at you, what do you say to her? Do you just let her do it?

Oh right, so its just you she's witchy with, not good. They can be "mortified " about everything as teenagers but she's too old to be still acting like that.

You are absolutely right to be upset. There's no doubt about that.

Looking back on my teenage years, I was an absolute horror. I'm not sure I would have been quite so out and out disrespectful as your daughter, but I'm not sure. All I can say is that I'm a totally -totally- different adult who wouldn't dream of behaving this way and is horrified that my former self could have.

So all I'm saying is that whilst it's not great, it's not necessarily indicative of how she will behave in the future.

Yes mostly me, occasionally DH (her dad).
I do call her out on it. When we've gone out on a walk, I turned and went home when she did it. If we're further from home, I'll say "how dare you speak to me like that" and there's frosty silence until we get home. She often argues back to justify her view. I stopped walking with her for a while when she did it regularly - just told her it wasn't pleasant.
I need to do more as she's not improving and there's no excuse.

I hope so LadyOfTheCanyon

I think it was the first time she could see that you aren't immortal and do feel pain. Sometimes in life we get a little glimpse into the future, our parents will get old, we will become the carers, we will see them
In pain. I remember this moment clearly when my mum had a sickness bug when I was 16. I wanted to run out the door but I thought maybe I should stay to look after her; I went out anyway. I'm sure she would have written a similar post!
Her carrying the bag after you fell, calling your DH, getting the train so you wouldn't have to drive, that's her showing that she cares a bit. Yeah her words were heartless but I think diagnosing her as a sociopath as others have done is a bit harsh. ADHD kids seem to be a bit behind in terms of emotional development, so her reaction was probably more like a 14 year olds.

Speak to her about it when she's back. She might reflect on what she said.