To expect DD16 to be kinder

[IsItUs]

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

And for the record (for other posters, not OP) my autistic child would have burst into tears with me, helped me up and made a ridiculous fuss of me for the rest of the day. My NT teenager would have been more likely to act the way OP's daughter did; he was a more conventional grotty adolescent, but he would have apologised later and tried to make amends.

I know people find it tiresome when people pick out the ableist tropes on a thread, but they are damaging, and they need to be challenged.

She sounds awful.

When she says she wants stuff from the shop why do you have to go with her, pay for everything and carry everything back? Even if she asked very politely and thanked you afterwards? You are not a roman slave and she is 16 years old OP.

Go back to parenting basics, insist on please and thank you and 'you are 16 you can do that for yourself now'. On repeat.

I fell over a few months ago. My slightly older teens were really upset for me and could not have been kinder. I am so sorry OP. Teens can be selfish but you expect them to show some compassion at times like this. X

It’s unacceptable but it’s also normal for an adolescent to be callous towards their parent- there is a deep biological ‘survival of the fittest’ thing bubbling away as they reject us.

If you were a friend’s parent, do you think she would have been more helpful and concerned?

Definitely have words though but please don’t worry that you have raised a monster. And I hope you feel better soon.

I do agree that neurodiversity can affect reactions, but not with DD.
She is entitled, yes. It pains me but I am finding her behaviour very unlikeable.
I've tried talking to her before but she refuses to accept she does anything wrong.
I did initially think she was scared but it was 2 hours ago.
She did call DH and express concern that I fell over. Just not to me. Sadly I suspect she was getting in first before I told him how she had behaved! She certainly expressed no concern to me.

Thank God for this sensible post which is completely right. She’s not evil, she’s just a normal self absorbed teenager and probably a bit spoilt. She probably didn’t know what to do in the moment so just freaked out a bit.

Years ago my mother was in weeks of pain with a slipped disc and the doctor gave her a neck brace and strong pain killers. My (then teenage) brother’s response: ‘will you still be able to do my washing?’ He’s retired now and does the bulk of caring for her so they come good in the end!

Thank you, yes, absolutely she'd have been kind to a friend's parent or other relative.
I have been fearing I've raised a monster but try telling myself teenagers are tough, but today was a bit of a shocker.

Dreadful behaviour, very immature even if she was embarrassed. She needed to support you when you needed it. I would bring it up when she gets home and ask if she’d expect you to behave in the same way if she fell. Especially, does she expect you to call her “fucking mental” whenever she displeases you.
Of course tomorrow you will feel the after effects of the fall and stay in your PJs all day resting on the sofa watching movies.

I honestly think you need to pull back a bit in the things you do for her don't be so available be busy not to be callus towards her but she needs to realise you are not a cart horse to lift and lay for her. I'd also tell her dad matter of factly, how she was with you.

Thank you. I'm confident DS15 would have been kinder had he been with me. He accompanied her to the train station to help her carry her sleepover stuff and another bag as she told him she couldn't manage both. Bit of a princess I guess......

I did tell him. He knows. He sees it.
I am going to pull back on what I do.
Today has been an eye opener. I try to remember what I was like as a teenager but I know I'd have been caring if my mum fell over on a pavement next to me.

It’s horrible. Can you get someone else to speak to her to make her aware of her behaviour? Really make her imagine if it was her, how she would feel. I imagined she felt embarrassed but it’s no excuse

Since becoming menopausal I don’t fall well. I’ve always been a bit clumsy and fall a lot- even as teenager. Had a bit of a rep for it. Up until by perimenopause I’d always be able to bounce right back up and not really feel any effect
then I got to peri and found when I fell I’d get much more of a shock reaction- dizziness and faintness, and nausea, making bouncing back up not easy. I also found that I actually fracture now - had 3 fractures in 6 years as results of falls. So maybe the shock is legitimate. And yes, at 60, I nearly always end up in tears just as a stress relief valve.

And there’s also the blasted fact that as you get older any trips, slips and falls result in bladder leak and that doesn’t help

!maybe explain this to your daughter. Say you are 55 and menopausal and falling is a BIG deal. That at her age you’d bounce up and be unaffected, but now you get a big shock and how it made you feel physically. Say you couldn’t get up on your own, and needed help. And needed time to just walk slowly to check all was in right place with no breaks. Tell her that she may have been shocked into immediate “freeze” mode, but just because it might be a bit embarrassing that Mum face planted the pavement, you were embarrassed that some random man had to step in to help you, and she didn’t. Tell her, if she expects you to help her with some stupid shopping she could have done by herself, then you expect her to have the common decency of random man and MORE: she does not stand gawping and getting embarrassed, she steps up to help. You or whoever. She helps get you up slowly at speed you can handle. Finds somewhere for you to sit to calm that flood of adrenaline down. Checks you over for breaks and sprains, and then supports you walking until you’re sure you walking ok. She gets you home quickly , carrying whatever you have even if it’s just your handbag, and then ensures you have a cup of tea and biscuit to help with shock . This is basic first aid. Tell her that she is old enough to step up in an emergency and you were doubly shocked by her infantile behaviour. Say she made a shocking accident, worse for you by her ineptitude and selfish behaviour and she can do better.

Stop doing so much for her. She doesn't deserve it right now.

That was proper entitled little twunt behaviour and she needs to realise it.

Hope you're feeling OK.x.

She sounds incredibly self centred and hopefully if you, dad and your son pull back in offers to help facilitate her behaviour she will start to learn her actions have consequences. If she can be kind and polite to her peers and their parents she can damn well show you the same courtesy.

Definitely take a step back in terms of doing stuff for her! She’s 16 and needs to learn that her every whim won’t be pandered to. She should have given you a hug and made you a cup of tea when you got home. We make a lot of excuses for teen behaviour but the lack of empathy is appalling. I hope you have a nice chilled night OP and put your feet up 💐

Thanks for posting this - you just knew it was coming!!

My autistic DS is also incredibly caring and loving and would absolutely help a stranger up, never mind me!

someone like this op - I will take a punt, has a very chequered history at school, not many friends and she hasn’t treated you with respect …ever

So as a family you enable her princess behaviour? That's not doing her any favours in the long run.

I have 3 DDs the youngest 13 is peak 'embarrassed by her family' stage but would never have treated me like that. All of them would have helped me up

I hope you are feeling a bit better now @IsItUs and are not stiff tomorrow.

I agree with pp you need to take her to task , her attitude and reaction to your fall could be shock , fear , uncertainty she needs to have it explained that its not the way to react even under stress but her attitude later about not getting a lift to the train station and getting her db to help carry stuff is bad.

I think you need to step back from helping her , make sure all the family is on board with this . I am not saying immediately stop cooking for her but if you take her to the shops gor her stuff or the family weekly shop she has to carry stuff , help put it away , get herself to and from places she wants to go ( friends , park , cinema) and if she doesn't already to school too.

Teenagers can be right idiots OP.

You have my sympathies I fell over crossing the road a while back with my teens luckily they were compassionate and worried about me.

However they can also be rude and entitled ADHD particularly means their filters can be poor if you can sit down with her and have a conversation without it degrading into an argument maybe try and find out why she thought that was the appropriate way to behave?

You poor love! I just want to give you a hug, tuck you up with a warm blanket, and bring you a sweet tea. That’s what you deserve, you are probably shaken up. Teenagers can be so mean can’t they, I can completely understand why you burst into tears x

Appleofmyeye2023 yes - that describes how I felt very well. I too am clumsy and have fallen a few times - not often and not with DD before. I did feel nauseous and shivery but not cold.
I am sitting in bed now, actually feeling a lot better talking to mumsnetters and steeling my resolve to do less for her.
DH plans to speak to her but has done before and it's made no difference.
I'm a kind person I feel so she hasn't learned this from me.