To expect DD16 to be kinder

[IsItUs]

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

Teens are selfish but this is mean.

You should tell her, when she's back from her sleepover perhaps. How upset she's made you feel by reacting like that. She shouldn't get to not know because she's a child still.

She needs to know it's unacceptable. And yes definitely pull back on what you do until she is more respectful towards you.

It will pass honestly she won't be like this forever but disengage a bit from her even laugh it off if she goes on at you, butb I don't think you should let today go I would tell her she hurt your feelings by not helping you up and don't listen to her "justify" herself.

Justdontforgetthelegofrog she didn't carry the bag. She was holding them out to me as I stood up and I took them. And calling DH was definitely calculated arse covering as what she told him was very distorted.

I'm in two minds whether to speak to her as it's never done any good before, and maybe just wait it out. Not let it pass - she'll find that out soon enough when she's next on the grab or wanting favours. Then discuss it when she's indignant about not getting what she wants.

Op

how is she doing at school? How has her school behaviour track history? How is she socially? Nice friendship group?

All good. She worked very hard at school and got great results. Teachers sung her praises. Recently started college and settling in well.
She has a lovely best friend who is very nice natured and caring, and a good group of friends. Regular party invites.
It's just at home that we see the unpleasant side. I'd rather it was that way round I suppose as I have no concerns about her life in general but this behaviour at home and especially yesterday gets me down.

Stiff and sore today but not terrible. She's still at sleepover and no word so far so waiting to see whether she brings up the fall when she gets home.

If you want her to hear you, don't talk to her when emotions are high. Even if those emotions seem selfish and bratty to you (not getting what she wants) they are still real to her and she will feel hard done by. At that point anything you say is just fuel to the fire imo. Basically you're arming yourself with the best weapon you can thing of for the next row you have, which is kind of stooping to her level if you think about it. That would be fine if it worked in my book, but I don't think it will.

Thanks Spinet that makes sense. I expect she'll be home by lunchtime and I'll play it by ear then. I'm thinking she'll bring it up, eventually, but I could be wrong. DH and I will if not I think.

Unless DD backtracks and apologises, I'd say that's the last time you'll be making a special trip out for treats for her. At least for a good while.

OP - that's awful on several levels and I hope you are at least feeling physically better by now.

I wouldn't minimise this episode with your daughter. Her behaviour was appallingly callous. Don't let her get away with it - she's got to own this behaviour and give you some sort of explanation/apology/resolution to change her ways before things go back to normal.

If I were you I'd be very cool indeed until you get some kind of offer from her (verbal or practical kindness) and remove any privileges you have control over. no lifts etc etc or other good turns until you see a change.

She's not a little child - this is concerning.

On the face of it she sounds like a horrible little madam.

Yes, this is pretty much what we've decided. Physically bit sore today but ok. Still feel emotional about DD's behaviour though.
She's still not home. I'm not concerned as I know where she is and who with but it's clear she's avoiding coming home. I suspect (hope) she's sheepish but probably not.
She's not been in touch at all and I think she's just trying to style it out hoping I'll message to see when she'd like a lift home, and everything will be normal. I won't and it won't be.

Yes - once the shock had worn off, I would have marched into her room and gathered up everything I’d paid for and binned it.

Sone folks would think that was petty and unnecessarily aggressive, but I’m afraid she needs a massive shock.

Hopefully she’ll reflect on what she’s done, but if you’re right, and she rang her dad to try to get her version in first, it sounds unlikely. Firm measures are necessary.

I hope you recover quickly.

I wonder how responses would have differed had this 16 year old been a male.

I would be thinking…. Well there’s a likely abusive narcissist in the making.

And I actually think similar about your daughter.

It is the younger brother taking her bag down to station that, as a mother I’d find particularly disturbing to see the power she wields over him.

Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back

shudder.l

So on these shipping expeditions where you “as usual” carry all the shopping

a) do you explicitly ask her? And if you do
b) does she look you in the eye and refuse

or do you never ask. Just pick them up, head bowed, and stagger home carrying all the bags with her strolling next to you with nothing in hand (apart from her phone)

When will she turn 17? Is she In year 11 or 12?

Some of this is the child / mother role though.
You can't expect your child to 'parent' you.

Those roles don't miraculously switch at a certain age.

Her first reaction to you not being able to parent her by being sick or falling down was probably shock and anger.
The anger might be masking other feelings she can't express.

She's 16 and she has ADHD. Those factors might prevent her from having a more mature reaction.

Do you ever ask her to carry the shopping? Do you ever ask for help or so you do everything for everyone at home?

There's a difference between asking outright for help or not asking for help, but 'acting out' a need such as sighing, lying down, saying 'I'm so exhausted/wrecked!'' or 'these bags are so heavy'.
That's not asking for help. It's avoiding asking for help so that you don't feel vulnerable, but still hoping others will notice your attempts to signal distress and offer.

If she's caring to her friends then it's nothing to do with her ADHD. It's about your relationship with her and quite frankly you don't have one.

You need a sit down meeting, explain how hurt you were at her lack of compassion. And tell her you will no longer facilitate a comfortable homelife for her unless you get something back. It might make her realise how much you actually do for her.

However, why were you carrying the bulk of her shopping? That kind of thing stops. It's one thing to pay but quite another to be the packhorse following meekly behind.

Oh for goodness sake! I was a teenage girl and I had two teenage girls not so long ago—this is not normal behavior and it is unforgivably bad.

Yes, teenagers can be oblivious to the costs and consequences of their behavior. They can be self centered and ignorant with respect to other people’s time and money. But even a toddler knows how to be compassionate to a hurt teddy bear. Children don’t lose that compassion and that ability to attend to other’s needs in adolescence. OP is describing absolutely astonishingly selfish behavior. It is angry, mean, selfish behavior.

I can’t say what us the origin of it—its always a mix of nature and nurture—but I think OP needs to have a hard look at how much she has martyred herself for her daughter and downplayed her own needs.

OP’s daughter knew exactly what a normal person would have done for a stranger—she saw the man do it—and she chose not to. OP should stop hoping her daughter will make it up with a kind text later. In the clinch-and all life is lived in the clinches—she couldn’t be bothered to even fake sympathy for her own mother. MN always excuses horrendous conduct by teens as normal. Neither if my children suspended their love for us during their teen years. And however angry I ever was with my mother I never would gave neglected her if she was hurt or made her carry my bags. FFS.

Have a plan—don’t play it by ear. I think if I were you I would sit her down and say

“I noticed yesterday that you DD take a lot and expect a lot but don’t seem to return anything. Usually I let it pass but this time feels different. When I fell and hurt myself you didn’t offer even words of comfort but instead abused me and spoke cruelly to me. You didn’t offer to carry your own bags. You didn’t offer to help me. When we got home you took care only of yourself and left the house without asking if there was anything that I needed. This is not the way family treats family—its not even the way strangers treat strangers! I am hurt by this treatment. And I’m concerned by it too. Running away to your friends house doesn’t make the behavior go away. I don’t think a pro forma apology will fix this. Please reflect on the coldness and selfishness of your behavior and figure out how you will restore our trust in you. We expect that we have raised a kind and compassionate person. That kindness and compassion needs to be something you do all the time, not just when you are trying to impress teachers or friends.”

Weird and not in a good way.

She needs a shock sharp
enough to trigger a rapid behaviour change and apology.

Listen to what she says in outrage and self-defence; ignore, there’s no adequate self-defence. But pick her up on the lies.

Be as unyielding as a pavement OP - DD needs it.

Thank you everyone.
To respond to some points. She's 17 in January so in Yr 12.
I did ask her to carry more of her shopping - she was holding the iced tea bottle and I held a carrier bag to her and she said "what do I need that for?" So I pointed out the rest of her stuff. She put some bits in but I had the rest - it was self serve so some was mixed up with mine.
She's still not home. Not heard a word in over 24 hours now. Not a worry as I do know where she is.

Pikkumyy77 has written a perfect thing for me to say. I'm going to say that almost word for word - it is so apt and describes exactly what needs to be said.

Op you say you “as usual” carry the bags

So is she always holding an iced tea bottle?

Have you sent her a message?