To expect DD16 to be kinder

[IsItUs]

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

There's no reason that you can't check in on your DD's ETA without giving her a lift. She might be waiting until it gets dark so that you feel forced to collect her.

congratulations on raising such a little charmer.
did she expect you to pay for her shopping as well as cart it home for her?
Let her go by herself in future.

No - the iced tea was part of the shopping.
I haven't messaged her. But she's just phoned DH and said she'll come back with DS who is also in town and getting a lift from us.
I suspect she discovered he was in town by checking Life 360 or messaging him. She's obviously realised a lift for her isn't on the cards but we won't refuse if she jumps into her brother's lift!

I’m so sorry, OP. Your didn’t deserve such a lack of care from your daughter at all. Dreadful behaviour from her, utterly inexcusable.

So what happens on all the other times where she refuses to help.

do you ask? and she refuse?
or you don’t ask?

God she really has got the whole family wrapped around her little finger.

I would send her to bed without dinner. Take away all privileges. She's behaved appallingly.

Hasn’t she

17 in a few months

She will get a rude awakening if she goes away to halls for university.

She is really passive aggressive and manipulative. I think she has learned to get what she wants using indirect means, and your attempts to correct her have been too indirect, unspecific, and without consequences. She understands herself to be winning every time she uses, deserts, or disappoints you and then comes back and there are no consequences. It sounds like you have relied on her father to give her a talking to in the past. This is a really dangerous road to go down. By using him as the heavy you are taking up a position in the drama triangle: victim, rescuer, persecutor. You ask your dh to rescue you and she experiences it as the two of you victimizing her.

Address this yourself or with your dh as a team so she can’t play one against the other as she did in the phone call. She owes a duty of care to everyone in the family, not just you. Snd she has disappointed everyone in the family, not just you.

Yes I do ask for help. She refuses. Or says "in a minute" but doesn't do it.
Rightly or wrongly they've always had to earn allowance. Exception is she has a fixed clothing allowance but I only transfer it to her for clothes. Plus £5 a week "pocket money". Her only mandatory task is load/empty dishwasher or sort clean washing, which rotates between her and brother.
I pay for her phone and contact lenses and sports activities.
Everything else is earned. So I pay £10 an hour for cleaning or chores in the house (I used to have a cleaner) - not their bedrooms but the bathroom or front room for example. Recently she won't do that as she's not needing money as has sold a load of old clothes on Depop. I had assumed she'd earn extra money because she'd want money.
I've asked her to cook occasionally (not paying her), always refused.

No, to be fair I do discipline her for how she behaves. It's just not effective. I'm more feisty than DH but I'm feeling worn out by her constant unpleasantness.
I know it's not good. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camel's back and things are going to change. She'll be back with DS just after 7 and will not be getting off lightly.

Neither do all nt people. And so? It's really shitty behaviour.

@IsItUs if I were you OP I wouldn't discuss this incident with her at all unless she brings it up. she is expecting you to bring it up and will be very defensive. instead, just be more strict generally on her doing her chores+helping her less and put your foot down on any mean remarks.

My 16yo dd would have been embarrassed but she would have helped me up, shown concern, sat me down somewhere and checked I was okay.

Your dd sounds like she's completely lacking in any empathy which is a bit of a worry,

My dd is also ND so I don't think that's an excuse tbh.

She “won’t get off lightly”

what does this actually mean OP?

She has had years of you asking her to help and looking you square in the eye and refusing.

I suspect she will simply laugh at whatever “won’t get off lightly” means

You are “more feisty than DH”

I see zero evidence of any feistiness on this thread so I can’t imagine how unfortunate your DH must be

“Unfiesty” not unfortunate

I do accept blame here. It's strange because I don't shy away from conflict usually. I have no excuses save that both my parents died close together and there were times I just couldn't face an argument with her and she's got away with too much. No excuses but I'm trying to understand too why I've let it get so bad. Yesterday was a wake up call.
She doesn't get away with everything but it is too much.
She academic, sporty, popular and keeps her room very tidy. Everyone tells me how wonderful she is. But she's horrendous to me, occasionally to DH.
She'll be home soon. DH has gone to collect DS and she'll be waiting with him.
I'll update after she's back.

This is how I see the events of the past 28 or so hours:

She persuaded you to go to the shop with her because she wanted something. You bought her what she wanted, carried it home and tripped and fell carrying her shopping. She stood there and screamed at you.

Fuck all consequences.

A man was so appalled that she left her mother lying in the street he got out of his car to help you. He - a total stranger - stopped what he was doing. She made you pick up the bags of her shopping you were carrying.

Fuck all consequences.

When you became upset she screamed at you again and walked home and left you, injured, carrying her shopping.

Fuck all consequences.

Then she called her dad and lied. She told you that she was angry that you weren't giving her a lift and bullied her little brother into carrying her bags. And went off for a lovely sleepover with her friend.

Fuck all consequences.

Today she has stayed all day having a lovely time with her friend and found out when you're collecting her little brother from town so she can swan in and get you to take her home too.

Fuck all consequences.

Have you ever punished her? You sound like you're really grateful for her talking to you at all. But she's absolutely horrible to you and you let her.

If she is perfectly lovely to her friends, achieving brilliantly at school, her behaviour is a choice. She gets a kick out of being a cunt to her mother. It's fun, it's a power trip. She's a bully. I bet she bullies kids at school too. But not overtly, subtly.

I would have the I love you but don't like you conversation. I would tell her you're disappointed and ashamed.

Her behaviour did not just affect you, the man who stopped to pick you up saw this nice middle class girl leaving her mother lying on the floor. He could be her next potential boss.

You need to come down hard on her.

And this is why there's so many absolutely shit teenagers and adults around. Stop making excuses for her vile behaviour ffs.

Thoughtless one that also swears at her mother?? This wasn't an instant reaction m, she carried her behaviour all the way home. She's a disgrace.

Yes Clymene that's about it. I was really upset and shaken yesterday so didn't tackle her then. I also hoped she might process it and that her own behaviour might have shocked her.
She has never stayed out all day after a sleepover - she always wants to come straight back, do her hair etc, so she's waited it out rather than won.
2 weeks ago I stopped her going to a party due to behaviour. She doesn't get everything she wants.
Just heard car.......

And you shouldn't have had to. You were hurt and shaken.

Good luck. Gird your loins! X

This is awful behaviour and I'm embarrassed to say I was exactly the same at that age.

I couldn't even really tell you why, I liked my mum, we didn't have a 'difficult' relationship particularly - but I railed against the 'emotional' tag and everyone bore the brunt. I was mean under the guise of sarcasm as well.

Couldn't tell you how I would have reacted if my mum fell over like you (although to be frank I wouldn't have been making her carry my stuff) but I remember her crying and I rolling my eyes at her sheer patheticness .

I did grow out of it and we have a lovely relationship now!

(just to add I think I've missed a bunch of posts as I had the page open for a while! Have just read back, didn't see all the stuff about her going for a sleepover and calling her dad etc.)