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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD16 to be kinder

229 replies

IsItUs · 23/09/2023 17:22

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:11

Iwillpassthanks · 23/09/2023 17:59

someone like this op - I will take a punt, has a very chequered history at school, not many friends and she hasn’t treated you with respect …ever

No, to be fair she does great at school. Works very hard, and all the teachers think she's wonderful.
She has a strong group of friends too. Goes to parties, and never short of invites.
Frankly she wants for nothing. This will change.
She is mean though at times. I've seen it and called her out on it.

OP posts:
Grapewrath · 23/09/2023 18:12

Op the fact she expressed concern to your DH shows it did affect her- for some reassign she couldn’t express that in the moment.
She was really unkind but it sounds like she was anxious and that anxiety was projected onto you as you are her ‘safe’ person. In the moment it felt callous and this was also my initial reaction but reading your posts, it sounds like maybe her fight flight or freeze response was activated and this is why she acted how she did. That cortisol and adrenaline can last 9 hours so hopefully she is still processing things.
Also this is likely exacerbated by her ADHD. It’s not ableist to understand that children with addiction needs dont always respond typically to situations, so please don’t feel that you can take that into account.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:12

But yes to the lack of respect and help.

OP posts:
DerekFaker · 23/09/2023 18:14

Appleofmyeye2023 · 23/09/2023 17:55

Since becoming menopausal I don’t fall well. I’ve always been a bit clumsy and fall a lot- even as teenager. Had a bit of a rep for it. Up until by perimenopause I’d always be able to bounce right back up and not really feel any effect
then I got to peri and found when I fell I’d get much more of a shock reaction- dizziness and faintness, and nausea, making bouncing back up not easy. I also found that I actually fracture now - had 3 fractures in 6 years as results of falls. So maybe the shock is legitimate. And yes, at 60, I nearly always end up in tears just as a stress relief valve.

And there’s also the blasted fact that as you get older any trips, slips and falls result in bladder leak and that doesn’t help

!maybe explain this to your daughter. Say you are 55 and menopausal and falling is a BIG deal. That at her age you’d bounce up and be unaffected, but now you get a big shock and how it made you feel physically. Say you couldn’t get up on your own, and needed help. And needed time to just walk slowly to check all was in right place with no breaks. Tell her that she may have been shocked into immediate “freeze” mode, but just because it might be a bit embarrassing that Mum face planted the pavement, you were embarrassed that some random man had to step in to help you, and she didn’t. Tell her, if she expects you to help her with some stupid shopping she could have done by herself, then you expect her to have the common decency of random man and MORE: she does not stand gawping and getting embarrassed, she steps up to help. You or whoever. She helps get you up slowly at speed you can handle. Finds somewhere for you to sit to calm that flood of adrenaline down. Checks you over for breaks and sprains, and then supports you walking until you’re sure you walking ok. She gets you home quickly , carrying whatever you have even if it’s just your handbag, and then ensures you have a cup of tea and biscuit to help with shock . This is basic first aid. Tell her that she is old enough to step up in an emergency and you were doubly shocked by her infantile behaviour. Say she made a shocking accident, worse for you by her ineptitude and selfish behaviour and she can do better.

Show quote history

I disagree with this. She should have compassion for ANYONE who falls and potentially hurts themselves. If you put conditions on it, she can pick and choose to care or not.

35965a · 23/09/2023 18:14

Definitely get tougher with her. I was a bit of a horrible prick when I was a teenager, but even I would have helped my mum up and carried her bags for her!

Brefugee · 23/09/2023 18:14

I hope you're OK, OP.

Why were you carrying most of her things? Stop that.
I hope she will be making her own way back from the sleepover.

You and DH need to work together on this. She needs to earn fabmvours from both of you.

1FootInTheRave · 23/09/2023 18:14

What a horrible horrible child.

Hope you're okay op.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:18

Grapewrath · 23/09/2023 18:12

Op the fact she expressed concern to your DH shows it did affect her- for some reassign she couldn’t express that in the moment.
She was really unkind but it sounds like she was anxious and that anxiety was projected onto you as you are her ‘safe’ person. In the moment it felt callous and this was also my initial reaction but reading your posts, it sounds like maybe her fight flight or freeze response was activated and this is why she acted how she did. That cortisol and adrenaline can last 9 hours so hopefully she is still processing things.
Also this is likely exacerbated by her ADHD. It’s not ableist to understand that children with addiction needs dont always respond typically to situations, so please don’t feel that you can take that into account.

I'm hoping that maybe later today she'll message something a bit kind. Or tomorrow. I thought she would have expressed at least a little concern by now but I hear what you say.
She's sleeping over at her best friend's tonight, and this friend is super kind, sweet natured and caring. In the past I've said to DD "do you think friend would do that" - I know comparing isn't helpful but they seem so different! I expect she might relay the events of today to friend who might make her see it differently.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 23/09/2023 18:20

Absolutely not normal for a 16 yo and I feel sorry for you.

My DD is the same age and if she'd even thought of acting the way your child just did she'd have got a fucking EARFUL of it from me.

And I'd do nothing for her or pay for anything for her until she came grovelling with an apology and proof that she'd changed her ways.

I assume that's why my DD wouldn't act like that, because she knows she'd be well in the shit.

FreeRider · 23/09/2023 18:20

When I was your daughter's age my mother was 43...but she often had falls as she had arthritic knees. This was long before the internet etc so I would always go food shopping with her to help with bags etc, and we'd always get a taxi home. Even on the short walk to the taxi she had a couple of falls...I would always help her up, carry the bags for her, make sure she was okay, etc. Sometimes we would joke about it afterwards...but that was always led by her. Frankly, if I'd said anything as nasty as your daughter I would have got a deserved slap for it. It would have also been assumed that I wouldn't have been going anywhere until my father was home (so no sleepover) to keep an eye on my mother.

Clymene · 23/09/2023 18:21

Please don't excuse her behaviour by blaming her ADHD. She treats you with contempt.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:22

DD told DH that she put her hand out to help me but I ignored her and took the man's help. I don't know if she did or she didn't as she was behind me and the man was in front. I think her call to DH was a bit of arse covering as I think (hope) she knows it was wrong.
I won't be carrying her shopping again!

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:23

Clymene · 23/09/2023 18:21

Please don't excuse her behaviour by blaming her ADHD. She treats you with contempt.

I wasn't. I don't think it's relevant to how she behaved. I know it could be, but that's not how it affects her. She was mean, pure and simple. I don't pretend otherwise.

OP posts:
freedomseeking · 23/09/2023 18:26

IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:22

DD told DH that she put her hand out to help me but I ignored her and took the man's help. I don't know if she did or she didn't as she was behind me and the man was in front. I think her call to DH was a bit of arse covering as I think (hope) she knows it was wrong.
I won't be carrying her shopping again!

How is that relevant? Even if you had "ignored" her it does not give her a right to react as she did. I hope DH did not indulge that. Hope you are OK, OP.

Couldyounot · 23/09/2023 18:26

Teenagers can be thoughtless and unpleasant (looks at DS17) but that is beyond foul. I would find it pretty hard to forgive.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/09/2023 18:27

Your DD lying to her dad about offering help is just making this worse. Stop making excuses for her

Mammyloveswine · 23/09/2023 18:28

That's disgusting behaviour and I would tell herself.

What a nasty, horrible attitude.

I bet she's a bully and mean girl at school too.

needtofatoff · 23/09/2023 18:34

Not normal. Just asked my 15 year old what she would do (without reading your post to her) and she said she would check i hadn't hit my head, help me up, ask me if i was ok, carry the bags and let me put my arm round her shoulder so we could limp home together. And she would call her dad to see if he could pick us up.

Is your dd often this angry? As sounds like other stuff going on.

willowthecat · 23/09/2023 18:34

All relationships will have difficulties along the way but this sounds very upsetting -it's normal for children to pull away from adults as they enter the teenage years but not like this ! I think you need to talk to her to find out why she is so angry but thereafter to do things differently and to not be her servant - bag carrying etc

needtofatoff · 23/09/2023 18:34

Mine has adhd too btw.

EnidSpyton · 23/09/2023 18:37

I wouldn't be too hard on your daughter. It's not that she doesn't care, it's that she doesn't know how to show she cares.

Teenagers are incredibly self-centred. Not necessarily selfish, but self-centred. They see the world only through their eyes. Our brains don't fully develop empathy until we are in our mid twenties. I think we can often expect far too much of teenagers - especially when they are your eldest child - when really they are still children and are often only able to view the world through a very narrow lens of how things affect them directly.

Seeing you fall was no doubt frightening and a big shock for her. You are her mum and seeing your parent vulnerable is terrifying for a child. In her panic, she was callous, as it was the only way at the time she could manage her own emotions. Now she is probably feeling shame and remorse at being unable to cope in the situation, and so she is unable to show you any love or care in the aftermath because then she has to confront her earlier behaviour. It is an avoidance strategy.

I am not a parent but have been a teacher of teenagers for well over a decade and have seen thousands pass through my classroom, and had hundreds of similar conversations about uncaring children with parents.

We can't judge a 16 year old by the standards of a 50-something year old. Yes, some children are naturally more empathetic than others and wouldn't respond in this way to the same incident. But many wouldn't - their fear would override empathy and lead them to avoid rather than confront the emotions they are feeling in the moment.

You haven't raised a monster. Go easy on her - she may sometimes be nasty, but she is still young and developing her abilities to relate to others. It is not fair to expect behaviours from her that she is not yet mature enough to show.

I'm so sorry about your fall today - it's horrible when things like this happen - and hope you are looked after by your husband this evening.

Willow12345 · 23/09/2023 18:41

EnidSpyton · 23/09/2023 18:37

I wouldn't be too hard on your daughter. It's not that she doesn't care, it's that she doesn't know how to show she cares.

Teenagers are incredibly self-centred. Not necessarily selfish, but self-centred. They see the world only through their eyes. Our brains don't fully develop empathy until we are in our mid twenties. I think we can often expect far too much of teenagers - especially when they are your eldest child - when really they are still children and are often only able to view the world through a very narrow lens of how things affect them directly.

Seeing you fall was no doubt frightening and a big shock for her. You are her mum and seeing your parent vulnerable is terrifying for a child. In her panic, she was callous, as it was the only way at the time she could manage her own emotions. Now she is probably feeling shame and remorse at being unable to cope in the situation, and so she is unable to show you any love or care in the aftermath because then she has to confront her earlier behaviour. It is an avoidance strategy.

I am not a parent but have been a teacher of teenagers for well over a decade and have seen thousands pass through my classroom, and had hundreds of similar conversations about uncaring children with parents.

We can't judge a 16 year old by the standards of a 50-something year old. Yes, some children are naturally more empathetic than others and wouldn't respond in this way to the same incident. But many wouldn't - their fear would override empathy and lead them to avoid rather than confront the emotions they are feeling in the moment.

You haven't raised a monster. Go easy on her - she may sometimes be nasty, but she is still young and developing her abilities to relate to others. It is not fair to expect behaviours from her that she is not yet mature enough to show.

I'm so sorry about your fall today - it's horrible when things like this happen - and hope you are looked after by your husband this evening.

This. My DD at 16 would've been the same. It's not that they don't care it's just they find their mothers so embarrassing and they don't know how to show empathy. Fortunately a couple of years down the line they definitely improve.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:41

DH didn't indulge her after he'd spoken to me. She called him straight after she got home, but as I say, I think it was arse covering.
We both have our eyes wide open. We see this.
I do see her faults but I don't think she's a bully at school. She has a lovely friendship group and they all seem lovely. So does DD, but not to me. She has stuck up for children at school having a hard time, and the teachers all say how proud I must be. Obviously she's a lot different at home.

OP posts:
QueenofTerrasen · 23/09/2023 18:45

No, that's horrible. My mum was a single mother and when I was 16/17 she needed an op, I brought my college work home for a fortnight and spent it taking care of her, including making sure she had her pain Killers throughout the night!
That's not standard teen bratty behaviour, that's plain disgusting. She needs an attitude adjustment fast, and you need to toughen up with her - that isn't meant to sound harsh. I feel awful for you. Have a hug from me x

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:46

Thanks Enidspyton and Willow12345 - I hope it's this.
She does seem angry but only with me, and sometimes DH. She seems genuinely happy and content with life other than perhaps wishing for different parents Hmm

OP posts: