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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DD16 to be kinder

229 replies

IsItUs · 23/09/2023 17:22

DD16 asked me to go with her to local supermarket as she wanted various things - conditioner, ice tea, etc.
Walked there and, as usual, I ended up carrying most of it back although DD reluctantly carried a few of her bits.
Somehow on the walk back along a main road I fell on the uneven pavement landing face down. I laid there quite winded, to hear DD shriek "why did you fall over". Rolled onto my side slowly and a man had jumped out of his car and helped me up. As I got to my feet, DD is holding out my (heavy'ish) bags for me which I took.
Thanked the man and headed off with DD again, turning into an alley to home after a few metres where I burst into tears. Not badly hurt - knees and hands cut and bruised, and shoulder jarred, but I think I was shocked and embarrassed. DD says in a hostile tone "what are you crying for!?" I told her to just leave me alone and she shouted "you're fucking mental" and stormed off home without me.
Not a word to me since. I made myself a cup of tea but I just feel really tearful. It's the latest in a line of cold hurtful behaviour and I do so much for her. I think this has made me realise how cold to me she is.
Am I unreasonable to expect a little concern from a 16 yr old. That she might have carried my 2 bags, made me a cup of tea or asked if I was ok? Or is this normal for a 16 yr old?
I'm sorry this sounds trivial, I don't know why I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Appleofmyeye2023 · 23/09/2023 18:47

Hmm…wtf? Did I say she shouldn’t? 🙄☺️

Tiredmum100 · 23/09/2023 18:50

IsItUs · 23/09/2023 17:32

Thank you. I did consider that she was embarrassed and managed to hold my tears until the alleyway (where we never see anyone). No reason to be embarrassed at home though. And I realise no excuse not to make me a cup of tea or check on me.
She's gone for a sleepover at a friend's. She just stuck her head round my door and said "I guess you're in no state to drive me, I'll get the train". Nothing else.
DH is away all day for work today unfortunately but back later.

What a selfish little madam. So the only concern is the fact that she's not getting a lift. Serious talk due OP.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:50

Thank you for the hugs and caring messages. It's made me feel better. Any reality checks, I do need to hear. I did feel this wasn't how most 16 year olds would react. I'm sort of hoping she'll message later in a kind manner.
However, whilst this is the worst example, it's not an isolated incident.
I'm sitting in bed now with a cup of tea and some toast. I am stiffening up around the shoulder/neck and knee. But I'm ok and it could have been worse - nothing broken.

OP posts:
BethDuttonsTwin · 23/09/2023 18:51

I fell over in Westfield a few weeks ago and my 17 year old daughter screamed with concern, which drew loads of attention - mortifying - then helped me up asking me if I was ok, then hugged me. At the time I thought she overreacted but I would gather far rather that than what you describe. Honestly I would do nothing for her apart from the bare minimum of providing meals. I would tell her I don't put myself out for or do nice things for people who care so little for my well-being. I'd keep they up till I got an apology or at least a show of remorse.

Clymene · 23/09/2023 18:52

Take some ibuprofen and have a long bath if you can.

JustFrustrated · 23/09/2023 18:53

Nope. Neither me nor my siblings would have behaved like that.

And my nearly 15year old definitely wouldn't, and she can lack compassion.

All this "oh she was scared" "she might have thought you were having a heart attack" tribe are ignoring

This isn't one off behaviour
This is part of proven behaviour
How does that explain why she called you fucking mental?

I fell over a year or two back now, tripped up a kerb, landed on my hands and knees and my bag and its contents scattered.

DH, and both the kids just laughed and two teens - probably about 16(?) A boy and girl, ran over to help me up.

I was mortified. Proper told my three off for laughing and not helping.

Difference here - I'm always falling over. It was funny. They knew I was okay and also, if they showed concern I would cry (it's my reaction to embarrassing situations). None of them would have called me mental or been frustrated with me for it. And I'm only young. So it's even more embarrassing for them when I fall!

ambitchious · 23/09/2023 18:54

Could it not just be that she got scared, she didn’t know what happened to you at first and felt even more scared when you started crying? So it’s easier for her to scream at you to stop, because she can’t cope seeing you not coping.

Obviously not nice, and you know her best. Talk to her.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 18:59

Good shout about the ibuprofen! It's right next to the bed but I hadn't taken it. I have now!
I will be doing less. I've lived my life around the DC, always available. I have always worked around them and WFH. My parents were always there for me, even as an adult. They did a lot for me but I didn't take advantage. I liked it and always felt safe and cared for, so I have been the same for my children but DD has taken advantage and flung it in my face unfortunately.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 23/09/2023 19:02

Yeah, that's horrible behaviour.

alldakatz · 23/09/2023 19:03

She sounds a bit callous, but why does she need you to go to the supermarket with her?

Cakeandcardio · 23/09/2023 19:03

beforeafter · 23/09/2023 17:36

That's disgusting behaviour. Maybe when the dust has settled you puke bring it up and frame it as a 'is everything ok with you? It's just when I fell over the other day, your reaction isn't what I expected. You were hostile towards me and seemed annoyed. Why is that? Is there something in your life making you angry?'

I wouldn't let it slide. It definitely needs to be addressed and she needs to know she has upset you.

I think this is great advice. I would frame if exactly like this as her behaviour was wrong.

Mariposista · 23/09/2023 19:03

she sounds absolutely vile.
Nothing on you OP. I'm sure you have done your best by her.
Hope you are ok and not too bruised.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 19:04

I do understand that she might have been scared, but if that were the reason then by 4 hours on I'd have hoped for some words of compassion or concern.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 23/09/2023 19:06

Do you know where all her "needed" shopping would be? In the fucking bin. Or back at the shop.

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/09/2023 19:09

I suppose my question is: why did you carry her things? Especially after you had fallen. I would have put those two heavy bags down and walked home.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 19:09

alldakatz · 23/09/2023 19:03

She sounds a bit callous, but why does she need you to go to the supermarket with her?

To pay. But actually she often asks me to go for a walk with her, usually in Forest, and sometimes we have nice conversations and she confides in me. Other times the walk is horrible and everything I say she ridicules or snaps at. Or gets cross with me as I'm not talking about interesting things.
But I don't like to refuse a walk as she often shares a lot of what is going on in her life there.

OP posts:
heartbroken22 · 23/09/2023 19:09

She sounds horrible sorry OP. Start doing less for her and watch her change. Treat her how she treats you.

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 19:11

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/09/2023 19:09

I suppose my question is: why did you carry her things? Especially after you had fallen. I would have put those two heavy bags down and walked home.

Yes I agree. I was still finding my feet and just took the bags automatically as they were held out. I shouldn't have.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/09/2023 19:11

Stop being a martyr, tell her to carry the bags, why on earth would you take them off her when you've just fallen. You reap what you sow sometimes, expect more of her a d don't put up with being a slave juat so you can say how much you do for her.

Iwillpassthanks · 23/09/2023 19:19

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/09/2023 19:09

I suppose my question is: why did you carry her things? Especially after you had fallen. I would have put those two heavy bags down and walked home.

Martyr

and thoughts of the mumsnet thread

Iwillpassthanks · 23/09/2023 19:20

Your daughter behaved appallingly

but you come across as a simpering limp lettuce tbh

Greensleeves · 23/09/2023 19:23

Iwillpassthanks · 23/09/2023 19:20

Your daughter behaved appallingly

but you come across as a simpering limp lettuce tbh

No she doesn't, what a needlessly spiteful thing to say. She comes across as a good, caring mum who is struggling with a grotty teenager. Many of us have been there and know that the "ooh, if she was mine I'd bin all her belongings and never do anything for her again" schtick doesn't actually work in real life, even if it makes people feel big and clever on MN.

EnidSpyton · 23/09/2023 19:23

IsItUs · 23/09/2023 19:04

I do understand that she might have been scared, but if that were the reason then by 4 hours on I'd have hoped for some words of compassion or concern.

Again, you're approaching this with a 50-something brain, not a 16 year old brain.

The average 16 year old brain isn't going to think to contact you to check you're ok, especially when they're out with their friends.

She knows you're ok. She knows you're at home and her dad is there with you. She has no responsibility in this situation now and so she's probably not thinking about it.

Also, texting you to check you're ok will also involve having to apologise for her earlier behaviour, which she may not feel ready to do. If she's embarrassed or ashamed, she may need some time to deal with those emotions before she's ready to confront her behaviour.

I know this isn't a one-off, but this sort of proves my point about her level of maturity. If this kind of unkind behaviour towards you is a pattern, then it evidences an immaturity in how she is able to relate to you as a person outside of your role as her mum. She will get there, but at the moment she's not got the capacity to be the person you want her to be. Shifting your expectations of her - and not comparing her to your other child of a similar age who may be developing differently on the empathy stakes - will help you to manage your emotional response to her behaviour in future, and hopefully mean you can still see the good in her, even when her behaviour is hurtful.

Your further comment about how she does confide in you sometimes, and at other times is nasty to you, is very typical teenage daughter behaviour. I could be a right cow sometimes to my mum well into my twenties - while also fiercely loving her and needing her affection desperately. Growing up is a tough time on the emotions and we lash out at the people - usually our parents - who we know love us unconditionally. Being a teenage girl is so hard and exhausting, and the fact that she can lash out at you and know you will still love her is vital to her emotional wellbeing. It's horrible for you, but it is perfectly normal and is actually a sign of great parenting that she feels safe to be utterly herself with you, even when you'd rather she not be!

Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 19:25

Thank you Greensleeves

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItUs · 23/09/2023 19:32

I know those are wise words Enidspyton
DS just called to say when he'll be home and he's with DD and her friend. Friend came on the line to ask how I am.
DH should be back around 9 I think so I'm enjoying the peace and chilling.

OP posts:
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