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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s Not Your House…

317 replies

Spaceofmyown · 23/09/2023 10:22

Have my hard hat on awaiting a blasting for this, but need to vent somewhere.
Been with BF for four years, we don’t live together. He has his DS (8) every other weekend, and has taken to spending the majority of the time he has him at my house. Our DCs mostly get on well, and we do spend some nice times together.
However.
Recently it feels like BFs son is getting too expectant on me to provide toys / entertainment whilst he’s here, to be able to do messy craft projects and have his own space within the house. He helps himself to food / drinks / the TV remote, and recently TOLD me that he would have a patch in the garden to plant flowers on when it’s all been dug over. Alongside all this I am just fed up of ‘hosting’ all the time - BF does help me with odd jobs, etc. but it is down to me to provide and cook food, tidy up after them and generally wait on them all the time they’re here. BF has his son this weekend and I’ve told him I need some alone time as I just can’t cope with another weekend of feeling constantly in demand and going back to work on Monday feeling like I’ve not had a break. AIBU? Don’t know if I am just being miserable and should try and make the most of things…

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 23/09/2023 13:18

You are not being unreasonable but I think the relationship is doomed. If it wasnt you'd want to spend that time together and not feel resentful. You're completely fine to NOT want this though, I wouldn't either.

PenguinPete · 23/09/2023 13:26

HakunaMatiłda · 23/09/2023 10:24

Fully get where you are coming from. It sounds like he is grooming you so that you become the default parent on his weekends.

Tell me you don't know what grooming is, without telling me you don't know what grooming is.

scoobydoo1971 · 23/09/2023 13:28

I have an ex who had a young child. He had shared custody, and always wanted to bring his son to my place for food, entertainment, my children's games etc. I adored the boy and thought it was a bit sad that he never had a place to call home. His father wouldn't have him full-time due to work commitments, his mother didn't want him there due to new partner not liking kids and his grandparents lived too far away to help with stability. Poor kid was passed from pillar to post all week long. I would have welcomed the boy in as a step-son, but I saw his father as a cocklodger in the making and dumped as he expected me to pay for everything for his child. Anyone acting the way your boyfriend does is a user, and he has made you the babysitter to free up his life costs and time. Not a foundation for a happy partnership and would only get worse if he moved in.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 23/09/2023 13:31

Op is the gf.. Not a dp. Not a dw.. Not a registered childminder either...
He is one cheeky fucker...

whatchulookinatwillis · 23/09/2023 13:32

If your DP is only seeing his son EOW, and let's face it 4 days per month is a pitiful amount of time to spend with your own child, then one-on-one time is really important.

To that end alone I would suggest your DP should be hosting his own child at his own house.

You get date time with your DP when he's child-free (without the drudgery of parenting another child) and he gets more quality time with his son; win-win.

airforsharon · 23/09/2023 13:46

whatchulookinatwillis · 23/09/2023 13:32

If your DP is only seeing his son EOW, and let's face it 4 days per month is a pitiful amount of time to spend with your own child, then one-on-one time is really important.

To that end alone I would suggest your DP should be hosting his own child at his own house.

You get date time with your DP when he's child-free (without the drudgery of parenting another child) and he gets more quality time with his son; win-win.

I'd take a very dim view of any man who thought precious time with his child = let girlfriend do the entertaining tbh

Zooeyzo · 23/09/2023 13:49

Bf sounds like a waste of space. Dump him.

Its5656 · 23/09/2023 13:51

Tell your partner that he needs to stay at his own house when he has his son.
If you're children don't like going to his house then don't force it, meet up as a family once a month and go bowling/cinema but for the most part let your partner do the parenting of his own child.. cheeky fucker.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/09/2023 13:52

You don't have to spend every weekend together, do you. Why not each use some contact weekends to spend quality time with your own children?

Radiat · 23/09/2023 13:56

I feel for the child, he must feel like your home is his part time place. But that’s on his father, not you. So yanbu.

Imagine how it’d be if you ever actually lived together, because this is a taster.

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 13:57

DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…
I think you all need to sit down and have a chat. You’re all going to be a family at some stage, either through marriage or living together. I feel like people who reply on these threads saying eg your dp needs to step up etc etc and it’s your house don’t think of the child at the end of this. Your dps son probably feels the same way your dd does and you’re kind of insinuating that the son doesn’t have rights the same way he is doing to your dd not letting her play with stuff iykwim? I know a few people with stepchildren and it’s a minefield but the ones that work best are the ones that don’t have the attitude of ‘but he’s not my child’- I know a lady and I always say this here but I go out of my way to be so nice to her dsd as when they turn up to collect a party she goes out of her way to let everyone know this is her dh’s child not hers- ‘this is x, she’s Tom’s daughter not mine, we have her this weekend.’ We all know at this stage, it’s years on! The girl looks miserable:( While you’re not doing this what people are telling you to do is close to this. You’re either a family or your aren’t.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 14:00

lottiegarbanzo · 23/09/2023 13:52

You don't have to spend every weekend together, do you. Why not each use some contact weekends to spend quality time with your own children?

This.

Be interesting to see BF's reaction.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 23/09/2023 14:01

Well isn’t this a useful little setup for your boyfriend. He can say he’s a good dad as he has his child every other weekend but in fact it’s you that hosts while dad does very little. Your BF has his own house so tell him to regularly see his child there. Not saying he can’t come to yours but not every single time he has him. He needs to parent his child, not sit back and let someone else do it.

Clymene · 23/09/2023 14:01

Why are you assuming that is going to happen @stayathomer?

They are not a family and the OP would be very foolish to move this man in given his current behaviour

Clymene · 23/09/2023 14:02

And there isn't just one child involved, there are three.

INeedAnotherName · 23/09/2023 14:03

Going to add my voice to the others saying he needs to spend his contact weekend at his own house. He needs to parent and pay for and clean up after him, not leave it all to a girlfriend.

Does he help cleaning or cooking at your house when it's just him? Does he give you money towards food or electric or treat your family to takeaways or day trips?

Use his contact weekend to spend time with YOUR children.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/09/2023 14:05

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 13:57

DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…
I think you all need to sit down and have a chat. You’re all going to be a family at some stage, either through marriage or living together. I feel like people who reply on these threads saying eg your dp needs to step up etc etc and it’s your house don’t think of the child at the end of this. Your dps son probably feels the same way your dd does and you’re kind of insinuating that the son doesn’t have rights the same way he is doing to your dd not letting her play with stuff iykwim? I know a few people with stepchildren and it’s a minefield but the ones that work best are the ones that don’t have the attitude of ‘but he’s not my child’- I know a lady and I always say this here but I go out of my way to be so nice to her dsd as when they turn up to collect a party she goes out of her way to let everyone know this is her dh’s child not hers- ‘this is x, she’s Tom’s daughter not mine, we have her this weekend.’ We all know at this stage, it’s years on! The girl looks miserable:( While you’re not doing this what people are telling you to do is close to this. You’re either a family or your aren’t.

That's an awful amount of assumption, why would they end up as family?
Why is it not ok to live separately until the children are all older? They aren't married, they don't live together, ops house is hers and her children's home and her generosity is being abused by her bf, she has no responsibility towards his 8yr old, none at all.

WomanHereHear · 23/09/2023 14:13

LardoBurrows · 23/09/2023 12:56

Your BF is just another in a long line of divorced fathers who, instead of fathering their own DC on their contact weekends, look for the nearest compliant female with with her own home and then fosters a relationship with her in order to foist the childcare of his DC on to her. She willingly takes on the role of providing full catering, cleaning and entertainment for the DC of her BF, often at the detriment of her own children's wishes and wellbeing. Meanwhile the male cuckoo congratulates himself on finding yet another weak female to look after his DC whilst presenting himself as the world's best Dad.

Honestly, why oh why are women still falling for this old trick. It's almost as if some women want to be used. I feel sorry for the Op's own DC at having this unrelated male and his offspring foisted on them every fortnight, just because their mother put's her boyfriend's wishes above theirs.

👏

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 23/09/2023 14:16

Your DP is getting quite the set up and is a CF cocklodger

CherryCokeFanatic · 23/09/2023 14:21

Hope he’s shagging you often and very well, at the least.

Olika · 23/09/2023 14:25

Cadenza12 · 23/09/2023 10:32

I do think that it's to your credit that he feels so at home. From what you say it seems that your BF pops over and expects full waitress service and child entertainment for the weekend. He sees his son, you do all the work so it's a win win. For him. I would find time to talk to him about how this is making you feel and what you expect from him with regard to division of labour. It should be easier with him there, not double the work

Definitely

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 14:26

If you date someone and you have children and you introduce each other to each other’s lives do you not assume at some stage they’ll all be under one roof?

RachelGreeneGreep · 23/09/2023 14:26

Great set up for your boyfriend. Getting waited on hand and foot with free childcare thrown in, as a bonus. Think about it, OP.

willWillSmithsmith · 23/09/2023 14:28

stayathomer · 23/09/2023 13:57

DD hasn’t enjoyed going to BFs house previously as BFs son doesn’t like sharing his space or things…
I think you all need to sit down and have a chat. You’re all going to be a family at some stage, either through marriage or living together. I feel like people who reply on these threads saying eg your dp needs to step up etc etc and it’s your house don’t think of the child at the end of this. Your dps son probably feels the same way your dd does and you’re kind of insinuating that the son doesn’t have rights the same way he is doing to your dd not letting her play with stuff iykwim? I know a few people with stepchildren and it’s a minefield but the ones that work best are the ones that don’t have the attitude of ‘but he’s not my child’- I know a lady and I always say this here but I go out of my way to be so nice to her dsd as when they turn up to collect a party she goes out of her way to let everyone know this is her dh’s child not hers- ‘this is x, she’s Tom’s daughter not mine, we have her this weekend.’ We all know at this stage, it’s years on! The girl looks miserable:( While you’re not doing this what people are telling you to do is close to this. You’re either a family or your aren’t.

I see no indication that they are going to be a family or married at some point. They’re only dating.

YewTree84 · 23/09/2023 14:33

HakunaMatiłda · 23/09/2023 10:24

Fully get where you are coming from. It sounds like he is grooming you so that you become the default parent on his weekends.

Don't be ridiculous!

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