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Original poster

To think they could make more effort

140 replies

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:44

I don't even know why I am posting because I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds.

We moved near DH family a year ago. We live 5 minutes from them. My family live in the states.

DH has two younger siblings ( unmarried and no children yet , they still live at home (25 and 30). They come and see their nieces maybe one a month at the most. They're a very close family and do lots together and claim to absolutely adore their nieces, yet they come just about once a month. And no they're not constantly out and about, they're actually home quite a lot. It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

I've made it very clear that they can come any time and don't need to call first, are always welcome and that I really appreciate their company. I don't ask them to look after my kids, but rather I just like to have everyone together and my kids love it as well. It makes them so happy.

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away. I would really appreciate the company and have said so in a nice way.

I think it's a bit weak to be honest. I've stopped reaching out, because it's pretty much always a no.

I'm just kind of done with them and I'm going to stop being so nice to them, because clearly, they can't be bothered- so why should I ? I'll be cordial for the sake of my kids but that's about it. They clearly don't want to be in our lives much.

I already know I'm going to get some brutal responses.

1 they don't like you
2 once a month is more than enough
3 you don't sound very nice
4 you are spiteful
5 it's their life you have no right to expect anything from them

Etc etc

I do get it but at the same time, if someone doesn't make the effort with you- why should you make the effort back with them ? I don't think it's spiteful to stop bothering with them and also be ' busy ' to see them and prioritise other relationships. Their family is all about keeping family close bla bla, but they're not really practicing what they preach.

OP posts:
Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 09:46

I know you’ve pre-empted this but I think once a month is fine and they obviously do too. You can’t force these things and by being less nice they’ll come over less often so then your kids will never see them

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:50

Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 09:46

I know you’ve pre-empted this but I think once a month is fine and they obviously do too. You can’t force these things and by being less nice they’ll come over less often so then your kids will never see them

I wouldn't mind if they were just a normal family. But they claim all this closeness and I just don't think once a month is really enough. But I know you can't force it, but I can't help but feel like I'm just done trying to support them in their lives, when I don't get the same at all back.

I'm always a listening ear for them, open minded and supportive. I build them up when they're down and I'm super sympathetic.

Any time I ever mention that I am struggling or tired, or I also need a bit of support, I literally get fuck all back

( I'll pre empt the next put down, no I don't constantly whinge about my life to them )

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 23/09/2023 09:52

I've noticed two types of posts on here. Posters upset because their husband/partners family one and go as they please and turn up all the time or posters who think the in-laws don't like them as they do t take an interest or only occasionally see the children.

Have you actually phoned and suggested they come over such and such a date as it sounds from your op that you have just made a general invite that they are welcome.

Some people like to be specifically invited at a given time and day.

They may have thought you were just being polite.

Try asking them over for a specific day or to all go out somewhere.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:55

MariePaperRoses · 23/09/2023 09:52

I've noticed two types of posts on here. Posters upset because their husband/partners family one and go as they please and turn up all the time or posters who think the in-laws don't like them as they do t take an interest or only occasionally see the children.

Have you actually phoned and suggested they come over such and such a date as it sounds from your op that you have just made a general invite that they are welcome.

Some people like to be specifically invited at a given time and day.

They may have thought you were just being polite.

Try asking them over for a specific day or to all go out somewhere.

I do that and have done that plenty of times.

Would you like to go for a pub lunch on Sunday ?

Do you want to come over ?

Shall we go for a walk in the park ?

I do it frequently. I'm done with it.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 23/09/2023 09:55

They don't have kids. They're not especially interested, they don't get what pressure you're under, they don't owe you help and it won't occur to them to spend their free time hanging out with their nieces because they are little kids.

Some families are all in about one another I know, which I think is nice...but many are not. Sorry you're feeling isolated.

pictoosh · 23/09/2023 09:56

I actually think a monthly pop in and catch up is nice.

FiveShelties · 23/09/2023 09:57

Could your husband ask them to pop in and give you some support on a more regular basis? They may think that once a month is quite enough.

I cannot see any point in being unpleasant to them, unless you don't want them to see your children at all.

Allofthisisasimulation · 23/09/2023 09:58

Maybe they are close but also not than keen on small children?

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:58

FiveShelties · 23/09/2023 09:57

Could your husband ask them to pop in and give you some support on a more regular basis? They may think that once a month is quite enough.

I cannot see any point in being unpleasant to them, unless you don't want them to see your children at all.

I'm not going to be unpleasant. But I don't have to be quite as nice and accommodating as I have been, as I don't get much back on a personal level. They can still see their nieces anytime they want.

OP posts:
SantaBarbaraMonica · 23/09/2023 10:01

pictoosh · 23/09/2023 09:55

They don't have kids. They're not especially interested, they don't get what pressure you're under, they don't owe you help and it won't occur to them to spend their free time hanging out with their nieces because they are little kids.

Some families are all in about one another I know, which I think is nice...but many are not. Sorry you're feeling isolated.

Exactly this.

You have kids so understand that the translation of love and support is to be present. For them it will be more about the thought of their existence, which doesn’t occur to them to need them to keep showing up.

in reality kids are boring and a drain a lot of the time so thinking about them is a hell of a lot more fun than being with them. Once you’re a mum there is so much more to it but these aunties will have no idea about the holistic approach you are looking for from them.

I do think you’re unreasonable and be very very careful about using this example to refute them being ‘a close family’ because it’s really no sign that they are not but you’re upset so can’t see that.

FiveShelties · 23/09/2023 10:01

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:58

I'm not going to be unpleasant. But I don't have to be quite as nice and accommodating as I have been, as I don't get much back on a personal level. They can still see their nieces anytime they want.

Show quote history

How do you think that will work out though? If they are happy to visit once a month and you are nice and accommodating how often do you think they will want to come if you are not?

SoRainbowRhythms · 23/09/2023 10:03

You're going to withdraw from them and be less pleasant because they have busy lives, yet still fit in a monthly visit? That's kind of sad.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:05

SoRainbowRhythms · 23/09/2023 10:03

You're going to withdraw from them and be less pleasant because they have busy lives, yet still fit in a monthly visit? That's kind of sad.

Edited

They really don't have busy lives.. I know them very well and I know what they do.

OP posts:
Squirrelblanket · 23/09/2023 10:06

Honestly, speaking as a person with no children, the thought of coming round while you're 'wrangling them into bed' would be a hard no. I have nephews who I love but I don't want to get involved in childcare. It's the main reason I chose not to have kids. 😂

It doesn't mean that they love them any less or that they are not a close family, they just apparently express it differently to how you would like.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:06

Do you never feel like withdrawing from people who just don't put the same into a relationship ? Isn't that a normal reaction ?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 23/09/2023 10:07

I think you're feeling resentful at finding yourself in a situation where you have a lack of reliable support and the familiarity of your own family dynamic. Totally understandable.
I don't think it's quite fair to focus on your dh's siblings who are still single and child-free.

SoRainbowRhythms · 23/09/2023 10:07

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:05

They really don't have busy lives.. I know them very well and I know what they do.

Show quote history

Not busy by your standards. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

SoRainbowRhythms · 23/09/2023 10:08

pictoosh · 23/09/2023 10:07

I think you're feeling resentful at finding yourself in a situation where you have a lack of reliable support and the familiarity of your own family dynamic. Totally understandable.
I don't think it's quite fair to focus on your dh's siblings who are still single and child-free.

This.

FiveShelties · 23/09/2023 10:10

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:06

Do you never feel like withdrawing from people who just don't put the same into a relationship ? Isn't that a normal reaction ?

How often do you visit them?

It is tough when you live in a different country to your own family and I can understand that you want to see your in-laws them more often but I don't think withdrawing will help at all.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:11

I guess maybe you all don't understand our culture ( it's not British ) and in this culture the family is really close, including aunts and uncles. So that's my expectation I guess and even when I talk to my own family they don't think it's very nice as it's not the usual way to behave.

I for example went to see my sis in law all the time when she had small kids and I still lived closer. It never bothered me and it's just what you do. Once a month when you're 5 minutes away isn't seen as being enough.
But of course they can do what they want, but I don't need to go out of my way to keep giving when they're not giving back much.

OP posts:
Ricochetsandwhich · 23/09/2023 10:13

Another point, which you’ve also alluded to is that it’s only been in the last year that you’ve lived close. His siblings presumably had a life that didn’t involve you before that. They are just carrying on with their lives as before which is their default position. Yes it would be nice for them to take more of an interest but as posters have mentioned them being child free will also mean they have different priorities to you. Try not to take the imbalance of expectation and reality to heart. It’s not a rejection, they are happy with once a month which I don’t see as being unreasonable. I’m sorry you are feeling let down.

Honeychickpea · 23/09/2023 10:13

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:05

They really don't have busy lives.. I know them very well and I know what they do.

Show quote history

You see them once a month but know all about their lives and what they do? I kind of doubt it.

pictoosh · 23/09/2023 10:14

@babymamaaa - yes I do, and I have done. There's nothing wrong with a bit of self-preservation. On that I do agree.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:15

Thanks for being kind everyone. I'm feeling really sad today.

OP posts:
flexigirl · 23/09/2023 10:15

OP I understand , we made a big move, nearer to family who dangled the carrot of everything we could do together and how much support we would have ( our daughter was profoundly disabled ) we had none. Like you we were lucky if we saw them once a month . It was at a time just post diagnosis where our lives were falling apart and it really really hurt . There was no family fall out or anything and I love them dearly but they had just over promised on what they realistically wanted to do and I think I had a different idea of what all living in the same village would look like . Needless to say , we were snowed under with hospital stays/ appointments/ medical equipment, lack of sleep and stress so moved closer to my family and were extremely lucky to have support from the other set of grandparents. I think don't cut your nose off to spite your face, do keep reaching out . When they have kids of their own they will probably want to do more stuff altogether, but I do know how it feels and it hurts Flowers