Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they could make more effort

140 replies

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:44

I don't even know why I am posting because I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds.

We moved near DH family a year ago. We live 5 minutes from them. My family live in the states.

DH has two younger siblings ( unmarried and no children yet , they still live at home (25 and 30). They come and see their nieces maybe one a month at the most. They're a very close family and do lots together and claim to absolutely adore their nieces, yet they come just about once a month. And no they're not constantly out and about, they're actually home quite a lot. It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

I've made it very clear that they can come any time and don't need to call first, are always welcome and that I really appreciate their company. I don't ask them to look after my kids, but rather I just like to have everyone together and my kids love it as well. It makes them so happy.

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away. I would really appreciate the company and have said so in a nice way.

I think it's a bit weak to be honest. I've stopped reaching out, because it's pretty much always a no.

I'm just kind of done with them and I'm going to stop being so nice to them, because clearly, they can't be bothered- so why should I ? I'll be cordial for the sake of my kids but that's about it. They clearly don't want to be in our lives much.

I already know I'm going to get some brutal responses.

1 they don't like you
2 once a month is more than enough
3 you don't sound very nice
4 you are spiteful
5 it's their life you have no right to expect anything from them

Etc etc

I do get it but at the same time, if someone doesn't make the effort with you- why should you make the effort back with them ? I don't think it's spiteful to stop bothering with them and also be ' busy ' to see them and prioritise other relationships. Their family is all about keeping family close bla bla, but they're not really practicing what they preach.

OP posts:
MNetcurtains · 23/09/2023 10:16

Do you have any friends OP?

HelpMeGetThrough · 23/09/2023 10:19

But of course they can do what they want, but I don't need to go out of my way to keep giving when they're not giving back much.

It sounds like they won't care, they are happy living their lives as they want to, not how you expect them to.

I've just avoided seeing my parents tomorrow, as I know my nephew will be there. Quite frankly, he does my head in and it's not how I want to spend my Sunday afternoon.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:19

MNetcurtains · 23/09/2023 10:16

Do you have any friends OP?

I definitely do have friends where I live now. But it's quite infrequent that I see them. They all have kids and especially in winter we don't see each other that much because their kids or our kids are always sick and we don't want to spread it. But yeah I've made some connections here thankfully.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 23/09/2023 10:21

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:11

I guess maybe you all don't understand our culture ( it's not British ) and in this culture the family is really close, including aunts and uncles. So that's my expectation I guess and even when I talk to my own family they don't think it's very nice as it's not the usual way to behave.

I for example went to see my sis in law all the time when she had small kids and I still lived closer. It never bothered me and it's just what you do. Once a month when you're 5 minutes away isn't seen as being enough.
But of course they can do what they want, but I don't need to go out of my way to keep giving when they're not giving back much.

You can't dicate what people do and no you don't know their lives, you also sound very judgemental

Maybe work on all this first and work out what is missing from your life where you need people like this

Allofthisisasimulation · 23/09/2023 10:21

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:05

They really don't have busy lives.. I know them very well and I know what they do.

Show quote history

It's up to them what they do though, you cannot just decide how they spend their time.
(I have also dealt with uninterested relatives when my child was young, and I decided it really was up to them what they did/their loss).

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:23

@Allofthisisasimulation that's also what I think. It is their loss. I don't need to continue trying and asking. It doesn't make me feel good to be rejected all the time, so why should I keep asking them ?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 10:24

It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

If I didn’t have kids, the last think I would want to do is turn up and help with wrangling anyone else’s into bed! I think your expectations are unreasonable of your DH’s siblings. Why don’t you invite the grandparents over once a week for dinner though?

Ducksinthebath · 23/09/2023 10:24

Once per month sounds more than enough.

Allofthisisasimulation · 23/09/2023 10:29

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:23

@Allofthisisasimulation that's also what I think. It is their loss. I don't need to continue trying and asking. It doesn't make me feel good to be rejected all the time, so why should I keep asking them ?

I'd see it less as rejection and them just choosing not to do something.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 10:30

I guess maybe you all don't understand our culture ( it's not British ) and in this culture the family is really close, including aunts and uncles.

Are you and your DH from the same culture? Does he think their behaviour is OK? What about your MIL and FIL, you don’t mention them?

Luxell934 · 23/09/2023 10:30

Your expectations of you husbands siblings are too high. They are childless, young people who don’t want to help out putting your children to bed I’m afraid.

Don’t they have full time jobs, significant others, friends, hobbies, lives of their own? Just because you think you know all about their lives doesn’t make it true, and saying that you know exactly what they do and when they are home makes you look like a fool.

If you’re struggling with the kids then maybe it’s time you spoke to your husband about being home more often.

LBFseBrom · 23/09/2023 10:31

Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 09:46

I know you’ve pre-empted this but I think once a month is fine and they obviously do too. You can’t force these things and by being less nice they’ll come over less often so then your kids will never see them

I agree with that.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 10:32

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away.

Sorry, but that’s your problem. Not how your husband’s siblings choose to spend their own free time!!

If you can’t cope alone-maybe you need some paid childcare or maybe your husband needs to change his job.

RoachFish · 23/09/2023 10:32

You really don’t need to keep asking them. See what happens when you don’t.

Is the long term plan to live in the UK? It seems a bit unfair to me that you do if your husband is frequently away and you don’t have the family support you expected. Would it make sense to move closer to your family in the US? I think this all stems from a general unhappiness from you and just by chance the sil’s are taking the hit. Do you see your pil’s more?

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 10:33

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:55

I do that and have done that plenty of times.

Would you like to go for a pub lunch on Sunday ?

Do you want to come over ?

Shall we go for a walk in the park ?

I do it frequently. I'm done with it.

Show quote history

Have you said

Hey SIL/BIL, I get so lonely when DH is away, it would be really nice to have a regular meet-up - and the kids would love it too.

TinglingTangling · 23/09/2023 10:35

How often do you go around to see them?

To be honest, I have no desire to go and hang out with my brothers wife just because she’s bored at home and wants some company.

Once a month is fine.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:40

RoachFish · 23/09/2023 10:32

You really don’t need to keep asking them. See what happens when you don’t.

Is the long term plan to live in the UK? It seems a bit unfair to me that you do if your husband is frequently away and you don’t have the family support you expected. Would it make sense to move closer to your family in the US? I think this all stems from a general unhappiness from you and just by chance the sil’s are taking the hit. Do you see your pil’s more?

I didn't want to, to be honest but DH said he needs to be near his family and could never move. I accepted it at the time like a right idiot. I wanted to live near my family. But because I was ' already here ' I was the one who needed to stay.

OP posts:
daliesque · 23/09/2023 10:40

It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

And somewhere else on MN there's probably a thread from a woman complaining about her childfree, young in,was who keep turning up for tea when she's wrangling kids to bed.

Honestly, in laws can't win.

RisingSunn · 23/09/2023 10:43

OP once a month is reasonable. They are mid 20s - early 30s with no children. They have their own lives. (Whether you think their days are filled up or not).

It’s good you have local friends with children - perhaps our more energy into those relationships especially if they have children too.

In my view “closeness” is not solely based on how often you see someone.

Boyonthenres · 23/09/2023 10:43

Are they male or female? Not sure I'd have been overly interested in young children at that age either tbh. Probably doesn't cross their mind to visit . It's sad though

Owjrbvr · 23/09/2023 11:21

I do get where you’re coming from with them saying that they make out they’re very close and it doesn’t feel that way; i wonder if they just have a different perception of what a close family is like.
I had to accept a while ago that my in laws perception of supporting us was different to what I hoped it’d be and I stepped back from making as much effort and matched their effort more, not in a horrible way but just in a Im not going to bend over backwards way anymore and it gave me a bit of peace and I focused more on other people in my life

daliesque · 23/09/2023 11:37

Do you actually like them? Enjoy their company? Interested in their lives? Or do you just see them as a means to stop you feeling lonely and help with the kids?

If it's the latter then I don't blame them for wanting to only visit once a month.

SM4713 · 23/09/2023 11:37

It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

Why should they help YOU wrangle YOUR children to bed or keep YOU company because YOU are bored and YOUR DH is working away??? I wouldn't visit for that very reason! I love my cousins children and my early 20's I used to have the odd meal there- not as often as once a month! The screaming, food, bath and bed tantrums were too much for me, so I stopped going. I wanted to catch up with my cousin and have a chat- not a childrens entertainer!

You say its cultural, but are these siblings 1st, 2nd, 3rd generation of being brought up in the UK? Just because you helped your SIL doesn't mean these siblings feel the need to, nor have the same 'cultural' pull that you seem to think they SHOULD have!

LegendsBeyond · 23/09/2023 11:39

At that age, lots of people have little interest in children, even those they’re related to. They’re just not that interesting. Once a month is enough.

NoSquirrels · 23/09/2023 11:40

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 10:40

I didn't want to, to be honest but DH said he needs to be near his family and could never move. I accepted it at the time like a right idiot. I wanted to live near my family. But because I was ' already here ' I was the one who needed to stay.

Show quote history

As is usually the way of these things, you don’t have an ILs problem you have a DH problem.

Swipe left for the next trending thread