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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they could make more effort

140 replies

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 09:44

I don't even know why I am posting because I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds.

We moved near DH family a year ago. We live 5 minutes from them. My family live in the states.

DH has two younger siblings ( unmarried and no children yet , they still live at home (25 and 30). They come and see their nieces maybe one a month at the most. They're a very close family and do lots together and claim to absolutely adore their nieces, yet they come just about once a month. And no they're not constantly out and about, they're actually home quite a lot. It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

I've made it very clear that they can come any time and don't need to call first, are always welcome and that I really appreciate their company. I don't ask them to look after my kids, but rather I just like to have everyone together and my kids love it as well. It makes them so happy.

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away. I would really appreciate the company and have said so in a nice way.

I think it's a bit weak to be honest. I've stopped reaching out, because it's pretty much always a no.

I'm just kind of done with them and I'm going to stop being so nice to them, because clearly, they can't be bothered- so why should I ? I'll be cordial for the sake of my kids but that's about it. They clearly don't want to be in our lives much.

I already know I'm going to get some brutal responses.

1 they don't like you
2 once a month is more than enough
3 you don't sound very nice
4 you are spiteful
5 it's their life you have no right to expect anything from them

Etc etc

I do get it but at the same time, if someone doesn't make the effort with you- why should you make the effort back with them ? I don't think it's spiteful to stop bothering with them and also be ' busy ' to see them and prioritise other relationships. Their family is all about keeping family close bla bla, but they're not really practicing what they preach.

OP posts:
Againstmachine · 23/09/2023 12:54

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 12:46

I don't think you've read about how much support I give them and how much effort I make with them. I build them up when their down and am always a listening ear to them.

I check up on them really often but have stopped because they never check up on me.

I am the first to drop anything if they need something. Sis in law was ill recently and I texted her several times to help her and get her things etc. this stuff comes naturally to me. I ask them about their life and work and what they're up to all the time. I help with career advice. We talk about our work a lot because it's similar.

But make all the assumptions you want, just because I said I know that they're not that busy. They're not the types to be constantly out and about. They really value home life and family and relaxing at home. They want to chill and I get it. But I am no longer going to make huge efforts like before, because that's what you'd do with anyone who wasn't reciprocating. Why should I text and ask how they are if they don't text and ask me the same ? It's simple. I would do the same with any other person and I can be disappointed about that. It doesn't make me a horrible person.

Show quote history

And you completely ignored the comment about your DH having to step up, and went on a rant about them.

Is your DH someone who can't be criticised.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 12:59

this stuff comes naturally to me

Why? Why doesn’t her mum-who she lives with-help her out when she’s ill? Stop going out of your way to help adults who can fend for themselves and spend the time focusing instead on your own children who you seem to be struggling with.

You have again tried to deflect all this away from your husband, whose fault this all is!

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:00

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 12:59

this stuff comes naturally to me

Why? Why doesn’t her mum-who she lives with-help her out when she’s ill? Stop going out of your way to help adults who can fend for themselves and spend the time focusing instead on your own children who you seem to be struggling with.

You have again tried to deflect all this away from your husband, whose fault this all is!

She was pretty unwell, it wasn't just a cold and it went on for a while so sometimes the mum wasn't there etc and I filled in as much as I could. I also tried to give a lot of moral support during that time. Don't get me wrong, I would do

OP posts:
Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:01

I would do the same again. I just think it's what you do.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 23/09/2023 13:01

Were you mis-sold this idea that you would have children here, near to his family, and you would be nestled in a busy hub of supportive family members who would act as a proxy for the family you left behind?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 23/09/2023 13:06

Haven't read the full thread but I think once a month is quite a lot. The people you are complaining about probably have busy work and social lives. They may not be all that interested in children and let's face it, nobody is going to be nearly as interested in your children as you are.

paisley256 · 23/09/2023 13:07

It was kind of you to put in all the effort you have with your husbands family, but you chose to do that and they don't owe you anything.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel and go from there. You sound very unhappy and together you need to find a solution.

If he wasn't able or willing to be around more, to be present in family life and to help raise his own children, then I'd be off to the US to be with my own family who can give me that support.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/09/2023 13:10

Nobody owes anyone else child care. And kids' teatime is boring, unless it's your own kids.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:11

paisley256 · 23/09/2023 13:07

It was kind of you to put in all the effort you have with your husbands family, but you chose to do that and they don't owe you anything.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel and go from there. You sound very unhappy and together you need to find a solution.

If he wasn't able or willing to be around more, to be present in family life and to help raise his own children, then I'd be off to the US to be with my own family who can give me that support.

I don't owe them anything either then. Is all I'm saying.

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/09/2023 13:11

Look, I’m a much older SIL to DB, his DW and my DNephew and they’re having a new baby soon.

I’ve helped out with childcare in the past along with my DM and we all see each other fairly regularly but we all have different and busy lives and support each other as best we can.

I agree with others, it’s DH issue not yours. Your SIL/BIL have their own lives and it’s fine they see you once a month.

I know of at least one couple with both parents and siblings living abroad and they do have to create their own support system so you’re lucky your IL’s are in the same country and do see you and your family.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 23/09/2023 13:12

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:11

I don't owe them anything either then. Is all I'm saying.

Show quote history

You’re being very tit for tat and childish, sorry to say, with this point of view.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:13

TheFretfulPorpentine · 23/09/2023 13:10

Nobody owes anyone else child care. And kids' teatime is boring, unless it's your own kids.

Never asked for child care to be fair. Just a family environment.

My aunts and uncles practically lived at our house when we were little and it was a really happy time for everyone. I have amazing relationships with my aunt and uncle still. It's really quite normal in our culture.

Especially if you live around the corner.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 13:15

babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:11

I don't owe them anything either then. Is all I'm saying.

Show quote history

You sound about 12 here. Don’t do anything for them then, if you don’t want to.

Have you talked to your husband about the affect him working away so much is having on you? Does he know you’re struggling and tired? Can he apply for a more family-friendly job?

Againstmachine · 23/09/2023 13:16

This is all pointless as you you are avoiding any comments about your husband rather than his family, it seems you are mor bothered they don't step up, when you should be bothered your husband is shirking responsibility.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/09/2023 13:16

You are still upset with the wrong people, your husband is the issue.

cherryscola · 23/09/2023 13:17

you sound very lonely OP.

I get that - you're living in a different country to your family, plus having kids which in itself can be very isolating.

I can completely understand why it is disappointing that you do not see your in laws more as they are the only family you have around.

Unfortunately, you can't change other people. I think you need a conversation with your husband. If it is doable to move back near your family I would be seriously considering it. How long do you want to live here, feeling like this?

Doggymummar · 23/09/2023 13:17

I no longer see any of my old friends with kids as it is quite dull being around kids if they're not yours. Maybe get a babysitter and suggest a meal out, cinema etc sitting indoors with someone elses kids would not float my 20 something boat either.

Luxell934 · 23/09/2023 13:18

What about your in laws? Why haven’t you mentioned them? I don’t see why you’re placing the blame on his siblings? Even if they stay at home all day, everyday, it’s really not your place to say if they are busy or not.

Funny how you’re ignoring comments that your husband should be home more. It’s not his siblings job to step in for him.

margotrose · 23/09/2023 13:19

I'm child free by choice and there's no way I'd want to spend time with someone else's children while they're being "wrangled into bed". It sounds like hell and is one of the reasons I don't have kids.

I think meeting up once a month is absolutely normal and probably on the more frequent side of things, to be honest. DH's family live literally around the corner from us and they probably last came to our house before COVID Grin

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:19

I don't understand. They owe me nothing, I should have zero expectations of a reciprocal relationship and mind my own business.

But when I say, ok then, I'll act the same. I'm the bad guy ? It should go both ways surely

OP posts:
paisley256 · 23/09/2023 13:20

Forget them.

Talk to your husband.

Apparentlystillchilled · 23/09/2023 13:21

OP, I totally get it. I’m not British and we live near my inlaws, who we see rarely. I feel the loss of the extended family I thought we’d have once we had kids. The only difference is that my family would be even less helpful so I’ve made an effort to build my family of choice. I’ve been in the UK for over 20yrs (and several years before we had our eldest), so I had a chance to build my friendships before the kids came along. It’s still acutely painful (and in fact we had a row about his family last week), but I’ve decided to step away from them all and focus on the people who love me and our kids. It’s up to him to foster the relationship with his parents and siblings.

FarEast · 23/09/2023 13:22

I don't think your hopes for close family are wrong as such. Just that your anger and resentment of your siblings-in-law is unreasonable, as is your rather childlike tit for tat.

You need to own your feelings, not project them onto your in-laws as if they are deficient. They are not at fault in the way you think they are.

ValkyrieAssassin · 23/09/2023 13:22

Tbh if your childless young relatives are seeing you about once a month I think that is a lot. Assuming they work full time they have circa 8 free days a month and they are seeing you for one of those days. But they are also in a phase of life wheee friends and actual or potential romantic partners have to take precedence due to the natural lifecycle. I also agree that you may be feeling disconnected because you assumed that you could transpose your own upbringing and familial expectations on others and a. Entirely different construct. It’s a real shame your husband has apparently cast you adrift from your social network. But I think your beef lies with him.

Original poster
babymamaaa · 23/09/2023 13:22

Luxell934 · 23/09/2023 13:18

What about your in laws? Why haven’t you mentioned them? I don’t see why you’re placing the blame on his siblings? Even if they stay at home all day, everyday, it’s really not your place to say if they are busy or not.

Funny how you’re ignoring comments that your husband should be home more. It’s not his siblings job to step in for him.

It's not about that. It's about me being disappointed in relationships that are not reciprocal. And that's fine, it happens all the time and I'm allowed to pull back to look after myself. And I'm also allowed to feel disappointed.

It just means that I stop texting them and I stop inviting them to stuff. If they want to see us, they know where we are. I don't see what's so wrong with that.

OP posts: