To think they could make more effort

[babymamaaa]

I don't even know why I am posting because I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds.

We moved near DH family a year ago. We live 5 minutes from them. My family live in the states.

DH has two younger siblings ( unmarried and no children yet , they still live at home (25 and 30). They come and see their nieces maybe one a month at the most. They're a very close family and do lots together and claim to absolutely adore their nieces, yet they come just about once a month. And no they're not constantly out and about, they're actually home quite a lot. It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

I've made it very clear that they can come any time and don't need to call first, are always welcome and that I really appreciate their company. I don't ask them to look after my kids, but rather I just like to have everyone together and my kids love it as well. It makes them so happy.

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away. I would really appreciate the company and have said so in a nice way.

I think it's a bit weak to be honest. I've stopped reaching out, because it's pretty much always a no.

I'm just kind of done with them and I'm going to stop being so nice to them, because clearly, they can't be bothered- so why should I ? I'll be cordial for the sake of my kids but that's about it. They clearly don't want to be in our lives much.

I already know I'm going to get some brutal responses.

1 they don't like you
2 once a month is more than enough
3 you don't sound very nice
4 you are spiteful
5 it's their life you have no right to expect anything from them

Etc etc

I do get it but at the same time, if someone doesn't make the effort with you- why should you make the effort back with them ? I don't think it's spiteful to stop bothering with them and also be ' busy ' to see them and prioritise other relationships. Their family is all about keeping family close bla bla, but they're not really practicing what they preach.

I think this u is s it really. They are young and caught up in their own lives. You are caught up in yours. You and they would be unlikely to communicate if not thrown together by family ties so it’s friendly but distant. Is there a cultural thing though? I am not from the uk and think families are generally less in each others pockets than I am used to. For me though I prefer that!

Once a month is fine. They’re younger and childless, enjoying their young and childless lives, I did the same before I had DC.

It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

This sentence suggests you’re looking for help rather than just to see them. Realistically what young childless person wants to come along to join in wrangling young kids to bed. If you want help, come out and ask for it.

YABU. Once a month is loads! You have to understand that no-one is going to be as interested in your DC as you are.

Here's your in-laws' version @babymamaaa :

We have this very controlling SiL who thinks that because we are a close family, we are responsible for helping her out with her children when our brother is working away.

We go over about once a month - it's great to see our (very young) nieces but we have really busy jobs & lives. She's now saying to mutual friends that she & our brother moved to be near family and that she's done with us because we won't come over to help her as frequently as she thinks we should. She seems to want us as back up childcare, and is actually quite passive-aggressive abut us being single & childless.

She's started to blank us at family events. She seems to think that our whole family should revolve around her children.

Are we being unreasonable not to want our lives run by what our SiL thinks we should be doing for her? Are we unreasonable to think that she and our brother should look after their own DC?

Absolutely THIS ^

Spot on I suspect!

it's not like that. You've gone too far and are just being unkind.

@FarEast I read the OP completely differently. I read it from the point of view of a woman who lives in a foreign country away from her own supportive family. Her husband insists they need to live near his family but the disinterest from his family is getting her down and she misses being part of a bigger family unit. Like the one she is used to.

I have been that woman too and knows exactly how lonely that can be. Making new friends helps but it’s not the same as feeling a part of a family circle.

Build your own support network

This is still all the DH’s fault.

He insists they live near his family.
He works away all week and weekends.
OP can’t cope alone.

Yet, OP feels that this is somehow the problem of the DH’s brother and sister to solve?!

But clearly @babymamaaa 's siblings-in-law don't share her view about family support.

Which is TOTALLY their right. The OP needs to own her own feelings, not blame others.

They really aren't. This is off the back of what you've put out there.

How often do you take your kids to visit them?

Everyone is different. When my sister had children and I was still child free I loved spending time with them, I loved them like my own (still do) and saw them several times a week as they lived just a mile away, took them on trips away and for over night stays all the time. I loved being their auntie.

My SIL (no children) sees our DD every 3 or 4 weeks, she'll offer to take her out every now and again, we've always been quite close but she's got her own life to lead with her own priorities. Before I had DD I thought she'd see more of her but I don't mind that she doesn't, maybe it's because I have good family support around me.

I can see why you feel the way you do - I used to feel this way about my family - but:

When people show you who they are, believe them: your inlaws want to see you about once a month (my sister wants to see me 2-3 times a year, and has looked after my DD on a single occasion in 10 years so hardly knows her - I spent quite a bit of time looking after/with her DCs when they were little).

You need a serious chat with DH. His job is not working for the family. I have a friend in your position and the DH's relationship with his now teenage DC is not great and it's very stressful for my friend. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get. Do you work?

Look into a move to the US: the practicalities, just in case. UK kids start school at 4 so there's that to think about soon.

Younger people without children are rarely particularly interested in other people’s.

Lots of British people don’t feel comfortable turning up without a specific invite. Why not ask them for a regular date, tea with the kids on Fridays or some such?

No they aren't being unkind, they are being honest.
You're lonely, your issue is with your husband, you had expectation, they cannot meet.

The problem here is your DH and his absconding from family life. I know you're struggling, Op, and I truly understand that - but the solution lies with your DH here. It's not his siblings' responsibility to step in and fix things. They're doing more than enough.

You have a DH problem not an Inlaw issue, you are dxpecting too much from two childfree people and tbh you do sound dismissive off them and how they live their lives, FarEast was quite accurate at how I imagine they would feel.

Personally, I think once a month is a lot. It depends on your perspective.

that said, if you feel like you are giving more and you’re starting to resent that, by all means do less.

i think a lot of families have this ideal of being really close, and they sort of convince themselves they are, when in reality they aren’t.

Let's be honest you are complaining about your DH family not being there for you, but in reality it's your DH who it seems is never there, he needs to step up to being a dad and not an absent parent.

Perhaps they mainly want to come round when your DH is there as that is more normal to visit.

Umm, at the risk of leaning on sweeping generalisations, I think it's easier to raise children in the mother's country/ community in situations like these.

It must suck, being tethered to a home, and raising children among a family with a different approach and expectations around this stuff.

I understand what you are saying and yes I would be disappointed if I were you.
For some reason people on MN have very different expectations in comparison with people that I know ,and mix with IRL !

I don't think you've read about how much support I give them and how much effort I make with them. I build them up when their down and am always a listening ear to them.

I check up on them really often but have stopped because they never check up on me.

I am the first to drop anything if they need something. Sis in law was ill recently and I texted her several times to help her and get her things etc. this stuff comes naturally to me. I ask them about their life and work and what they're up to all the time. I help with career advice. We talk about our work a lot because it's similar.

But make all the assumptions you want, just because I said I know that they're not that busy. They're not the types to be constantly out and about. They really value home life and family and relaxing at home. They want to chill and I get it. But I am no longer going to make huge efforts like before, because that's what you'd do with anyone who wasn't reciprocating. Why should I text and ask how they are if they don't text and ask me the same ? It's simple. I would do the same with any other person and I can be disappointed about that. It doesn't make me a horrible person.

*Have you said

Hey SIL/BIL, I get so lonely when DH is away, it would be really nice to have a regular meet-up - and the kids would love it too.*

This. Also, if you need /want help from them then ask.