To think they could make more effort

[babymamaaa]

I don't even know why I am posting because I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds.

We moved near DH family a year ago. We live 5 minutes from them. My family live in the states.

DH has two younger siblings ( unmarried and no children yet , they still live at home (25 and 30). They come and see their nieces maybe one a month at the most. They're a very close family and do lots together and claim to absolutely adore their nieces, yet they come just about once a month. And no they're not constantly out and about, they're actually home quite a lot. It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

I've made it very clear that they can come any time and don't need to call first, are always welcome and that I really appreciate their company. I don't ask them to look after my kids, but rather I just like to have everyone together and my kids love it as well. It makes them so happy.

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away. I would really appreciate the company and have said so in a nice way.

I think it's a bit weak to be honest. I've stopped reaching out, because it's pretty much always a no.

I'm just kind of done with them and I'm going to stop being so nice to them, because clearly, they can't be bothered- so why should I ? I'll be cordial for the sake of my kids but that's about it. They clearly don't want to be in our lives much.

I already know I'm going to get some brutal responses.

1 they don't like you
2 once a month is more than enough
3 you don't sound very nice
4 you are spiteful
5 it's their life you have no right to expect anything from them

Etc etc

I do get it but at the same time, if someone doesn't make the effort with you- why should you make the effort back with them ? I don't think it's spiteful to stop bothering with them and also be ' busy ' to see them and prioritise other relationships. Their family is all about keeping family close bla bla, but they're not really practicing what they preach.

Why would childfree young adults want to hang out with small children? Think about it.

You sound dissatisfied with your life, but it's not on them to fix that.

Why on earth should they??

Just because they're young and single doesn't mean they can be commandeered to ameliorate the OP's situation. Hire an au pair if help is necessary.

It sounds like you want things to be the same as when you were a child, but unfortunately they're not. I don't think there's anything wrong in not being so involved in their lives if they're not overly interested in yours. Just step it back a little so you're both more on the same page. It doesn't have to be mean or tit for tat or a punishment towards them - just you reining in your hopes that they're going to be a huge part of your kids lives and at the same time not investing quite so much time in them.

Perhaps cultures change and move on?
I come from a background where family used to be very close, like you say, but the reality is that is now no longer the case. When was the last time you visited the country of your origin? I bet if you go now you would be in for a shock.

I think you need to get something else set up- regular babysitter (you might find someone who becomes like a friend/family), childminder 2 days a week ??, go along to any available toddler groups.
What will you do once you’ve got this going - go on a course? Learn to dive, do weights, cycle race, pottery ??
I stayed at home a lot with DH working away - felt guilty spending on me when he worked so was home and bored- but I would have been a happier , better DM if I had got out of the house.

It just means that I stop texting them and I stop inviting them to stuff. If they want to see us, they know where we are. I don't see what's so wrong with that.

They’ll be fine; they only want to see you once a month anyway,
which is fine. They’ll probably be relieved they can stop having to say no all the time

What exactly do you "give" to them?

Maybe give them the courtesy of respecting their chosen lifestyles.

Exactly

’I choose to do x, y, z for this family member, thus they should do exactly the same for me to repay me for my efforts’

Family relationships and friendships are not, and should not be, transactional.

This is all pointless as you you are avoiding any comments about your husband rather than his family, it seems you are mor bothered they don't step up, when you should be bothered your husband is shirking responsibility.

This x 100! You have a DH problem but won’t admit it. Until you do, your life will stay the same-you struggling!

Family relationships don't automatically mean friendships.

@babymamaaa relationships take a long time to develop into deeper connections. If you have only been in each other's lives for a year it is unlikely that you have become close friends just yet.

I suspect it is the close friendships you are missing the most in your life at the moment - unless it is childcare you really want help with?

So what about taking a different approach and concentrating on developing closer adult female friendships with each of your SIL. How about inviting them to dinner when the children are asleep so you can get to know each other?

It is hard to talk properly when children are around. That way they know you are interested in them as people (as more than just your children's aunts) and in turn they can learn more about you as a person (more than just a package deal of mum + 2 children. )

Spending time together should not be a "duty" to see their brother's children - it should be just as much because they want to see you. And you in turn, want to see them. How close are they to your DH?

Lastly, you definitely have a DH problem and all the disappointment about the lack of interest and time should really be aimed at him, not his family members.

Yes stop texting them then and stop inviting them to stuff. There’s nothing wrong with that if you feel they are making no effort with you. No one’s saying carry on making a huge effort if they don’t reciprocate to your standard.

Some people just aren't that into young children, OP. I'm one of them, which is why I never wanted any. (But I'm not a total child hater, I really enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews when they were teenagers.)

Your younger ILs are young adults, maybe with demanding jobs, and with hobbies, maybe partners, and social lives of their own. The last thing they will want after a day at work is to spend a few hours wrangling someone else's young DCs' tea, bath and bedtime.

But your children have 2 parents, and the other parent is the one that should be helping with the childcare. Could your DP get home earlier and maybe catch up on essential work stuff later in the evening at home when he's not travelling? Or maybe look for a job where trips away and weekend working aren't expected?

I also think that when you move to a different country with a different culture, it's unreasonable to expect other people to fit in with the practices that prevail in your own culture. I can't think of any families where SILs and BILs step up and provide help with bathing and bedtime other than in an emergency. My DF worked abroad from the time my DB was 5 years old, and my DM managed. She got precious little help from me, even though I was 10 years older than him!

That sounds lovely, but you can't safely assume that what happened in your childhood will be replicated when you are bringing up your own children. Life moves on, and your in-laws may not have grown up in, or bought into, the culture with which you are familiar. I agree with other posters that your husband isn't really pulling his weight on the domestic front, but it's not fair to expect his siblings to fill the gap. You need a support system-everyone does-and the best way to achieve it is to make your own friends.

If my SIL lived close by, I'd avoid going to hers in the evenings because I know she's tied up with the kids tea, bath bed etc.

And if my SIL was so involved with my life that there were regular texts, check-ins etc, I'd be mindful of contacting her too frequently in case she thought I was relying on her too much.

On the other hand, they are rude not to seem to care about you and their nieces as much as you obviously consider what's going on in their lives.

But your DH is at the root of all of this.

I wouldn't get too hung up on the notion of reciprocity. Very few relationships are entirely equal. The question is not 'am I getting out of this relationship exactly as much as I put in' but 'is what I get out of it valuable"? and if the answer is no, you are free to withdraw from the relationship.

Young, single blokes with no kids have got very little idea of what it's like to live with and care for children. Do you go to see your husband's parents? Couldn't you call round to their house? Drop in on the way to or back from somewhere/ Ask if you can call in?

They don't have kids. They're not especially interested, they don't get what pressure you're under, they don't owe you help and it won't occur to them to spend their free time hanging out with their nieces because they are little kids.

I read it from the point of view of a woman who lives in a foreign country away from her own supportive family. Her husband insists they need to live near his family but the disinterest from his family is getting her down and she misses being part of a bigger family unit.

I agree with both of these ^^

When you don’t have children it never occurs to you that parents need a break and sometimes crave adult company. Unlike other posters I think once a month isn’t very much, but I like and get on with family. If I had lived nearer my sister when her DC were small I would have been round every week, but that is me.

You don’t specify whether your DH’s siblings are male or female, which I think is relevant here. Most men just aren’t interested in small children, even family children.

My aunts and uncles practically lived at our house when we were little and it was a really happy time for everyone. I have amazing relationships with my aunt and uncle still. It's really quite normal in our culture.

I’m curious to know which culture this is @babymamaaa. It clearly isn’t normal in your DH’s culture. Also, you haven’t mentioned your DH’s parents. Do they ever visit? Also, what does your husband say when you tell him his family are unsupportive?

Same culture. They grew up the same way and it was always talked about pre kids that this is the perfect set up to live very close and everyone be involved in the children's lives. My sib in laws are super proud aunts and uncles and always posting pics etc of my kids. They absolutely adore them.

I think that you know what might also have happened, the baby stage has worn off a bit and it's actually much more tiring to be around my kids. Perhaps they just can't be bothered as much as they used to.

They used to come several of times a week before, even though we lived further away. Things change I guess. Toddlers aren't as fun as babies ! Novelty has worn off.

My sib in laws are super proud aunts and uncles and always posting pics etc of my kids. They absolutely adore them.

Ah. They post pictures on social media to look good, but don't actually follow it up by being proper aunts and uncles. I think that says it all. They talk the talk but don't do the do. I can totally understand why your expectations were higher than the reality.

You still haven't mentioned the parents in law. Do they visit?

Your underlying assumptions seem to be:

1. men are very important (especially if they have Big Important Jobs) and should not be expected to spend time looking after their own children;

2. women with children are somewhat important;

3. single childless people are not very important and should be at the beck and call of groups 1 and 2.

Not everyone sees it that way.

As much as they can.

So what's your problem with the siblings not visiting, surely you are getting support from PIL then. For the younger siblings kids really aren't that Intresting.

Still not answering about absent husband not being there I see, wonder why not.

@Againstmachine for various unfortunate reasons ' as much as they can ' is not a lot. Same as siblings, once a month.

What do you want me to say about my husband ? It's a difficult situation for our family at the moment. He's trying his best to change it. Things aren't black and white.