To think they could make more effort

[babymamaaa]

I don't even know why I am posting because I know I'm going to get ripped to shreds.

We moved near DH family a year ago. We live 5 minutes from them. My family live in the states.

DH has two younger siblings ( unmarried and no children yet , they still live at home (25 and 30). They come and see their nieces maybe one a month at the most. They're a very close family and do lots together and claim to absolutely adore their nieces, yet they come just about once a month. And no they're not constantly out and about, they're actually home quite a lot. It wouldn't take much to pop round for tea when they know I have to wrangle them both to bed on my own, pretty much every night.

I've made it very clear that they can come any time and don't need to call first, are always welcome and that I really appreciate their company. I don't ask them to look after my kids, but rather I just like to have everyone together and my kids love it as well. It makes them so happy.

My H also works away a lot and can work entire weekends and sometimes entire weeks away. I would really appreciate the company and have said so in a nice way.

I think it's a bit weak to be honest. I've stopped reaching out, because it's pretty much always a no.

I'm just kind of done with them and I'm going to stop being so nice to them, because clearly, they can't be bothered- so why should I ? I'll be cordial for the sake of my kids but that's about it. They clearly don't want to be in our lives much.

I already know I'm going to get some brutal responses.

1 they don't like you
2 once a month is more than enough
3 you don't sound very nice
4 you are spiteful
5 it's their life you have no right to expect anything from them

Etc etc

I do get it but at the same time, if someone doesn't make the effort with you- why should you make the effort back with them ? I don't think it's spiteful to stop bothering with them and also be ' busy ' to see them and prioritise other relationships. Their family is all about keeping family close bla bla, but they're not really practicing what they preach.

And how do they respond?

People want you to acknowledge you being lonely is your husband's fault not your in-laws, they don't owe you this.

Your husband however does owe you this, so start blaming him not others because it sounds like he's the selfish one.

But you won't blame the absent shitty father will you. Why are you done with them but not him.

@Againstmachine maybe I'm done with all of them.

It sounds like you actually want them to come see you to “help out” because you think they’re not busy and if they’re not busy their time should be helped “wrangling” your kids to bed.

Theyre 25 and 30, it’s obvious they’re not ready to settle down and probably do enjoy seeing their nieces once a month but they probably don’t want to spend time babysitting which is ok.

They don't have kids. They're not especially interested, they don't get what pressure you're under, they don't owe you help and it won't occur to them to spend their free time hanging out with their nieces because they are little kids

This from @pictoosh . They're relatively young. When you don't have kids, you don't know what it's like. I would have been the same at that age. It wouldn't mean I didn't like you. As I got older I would have been more involved.

Awww OP, bless you!

I think you're right to be a bit hurt. However, I think the issue is that although they love their nieces and nephews, you're just at different stages of life.

If they had kids tomorrow, they'd deffo be over more because you'd have that in common.

I'm finding it odd now cos i had my kids young (they're now 16 and 11) but our relations and friends are only just settling down to have kids in their mid 30s. Now we are getting invites to 3 year olds parties and although I love those kids, I just don't want to go! Sounds terrible I know, but I'm at a different life stage now and a 3 year olds party is just not where its at for me.

Just like when those friends and relations were in their 20s, they weren't coming to my kids birthday parties.

You sound like a petty teenager.

This is all so childish. If you don’t want to help them, feel free not to but quit it with the “oh they don’t come round and help me with wrangling my kids into bed so I guess I’ll have to stop helping them when they’re sick.”

Its tit-for-tat. You are more than welcome to withdraw from them but it seems that you do things with the expectation of getting something back. So you’re not being the kind and generous person you think you are.

It is also wholly unreasonable to expect that because your family dynamics are/were one way that their family dynamics will be the same. That’s not how life works.

You’re blaming them because you’re lonely but it’s your DH that convinced you to live there away from your family and has essentially absconded.

it’s not for them to fill a void in your life. You need to speak with your DH and stop foisting the blame onto his siblings for a situation they had zero say in.

Im childfree by choice and the last thing I want to spend my time doing is looking after kids. I adore my nephew but I like my once a week visits and that’s it. Maybe they feel similar.

Ideally you need local like minded friends with kids the same age. Then you can go to the park with them do Halloween etc.

sorry but once you are through the small child stage yourself or you don’t have children it’s a big ask to spend chunks of free time with other peoples young (whiny dull) kids.

@CleverLilViper I think you need to grow up yourself tbh.

Did you not read where I said that I would absolutely still be there when they need me ? I just want to pull back on the other stuff because it's not reciprocated. Nothing childish about that.

As I said if you bothered to read- it’s fine to pull back.

However, most, if not all, your posts suggest that you do things for them to get something back. Now that you’ve learned that’s not going to happen- you want to pull back.

Again, fine but being tit for that is childish. Doing things to be supposedly nice under the hopes of it obligating them to do something for you isn’t nice. It’s transactional.

you still refuse to accept that the situation you’re in has been caused by your DH. Instead it’s easier to blame your in- laws.

What’s ‘the other stuff’ that you want to pull back on? Just general texting etc? That’s fine - you don’t need to keep offering/suggesting, it’s fine to stop doing that.

However, I think you need to think very clearly about what it is you’re really annoyed about.

Is it that they don’t visit/ask about/care for the kids enough?

Or is it that they don’t visit/ask about/care for you enough?

You’ve got a few things going on - you’re obviously a bit older than them, and like it or not you’re in an older, more maternal role not a friends role with them. Going round to care for SIL etc, lending a supportive ear. They don’t see you as needing the same support because it’s not a friends-friends dynamic.

Then you’re also idealising your childhood set up - but even if you’re the same culture you grew up on different continents. U.K. and USA aren’t going to be the same. And what you loved as a child with your aunts and uncles is a different relationship to what your own parents felt about their SILs and BILs. You’re probably being a little rose-tinted without meaning to.

Also - hanging out with a single parent (particularly at the pub or a park, where you know you’ll need to be entertainment/other responsible adult) isn’t that fun when you’re childfree in your 20s. If your DH was around more and there was less implicit expectation of ‘work’ involved you might see them more (because 2x parents + 2x kids + visitors is way less full-on than 1x parent + 2x kids - you know you’re going to be on the hook for crowd control!)

Do you go over to the in-laws yourself with the kids? Do you visit them for tea, or pop over for the afternoon etc etc?

Ignore the horrible posters @babymamaaa

However, I think the issue is that although they love their nieces and nephews, you're just at different stages of life.

I think @Dacadactyl has hit the nail on the head. While spending loads of time with family was normal in your family, it clearly isn't in your husband's family.

You keep alluding to your culture. Do you feel able to say what it is?

I don't understand why you have an expectation that your husband's twenty-something childless siblings should come over and help you put your kids to bed? And you haven't even directly asked, only insinuated.

They're your kids, you wanted them, and you can sort them out.

Imagine from their perspective - you moved near them and are now placing childcare expectations on them without them asking for any of this.

I also wonder if you would expect the same level of involvement from young brother in laws? I doubt it, for some reason.

Also, I'm an American living in the UK and this isn't a standard expectation that Americans have from their extended families.

I agree tbh.

I care greatly about family children.

However, we have chosen to not have children and do not enjoy spending large amounts of time with them. I certainly wouldn't want to be getting involved with weeknight dinner and bedtimes.

Mind you if they live that close by once a month isn't much. I'm happy to see the kids once a week for a couple hours. But I chose to not have children because I don't enjoy spending extended periods of time with them, so I wouldn't choose to see them more often.

Well said, @paulinewalnuts

On my schedule, even weekly would be too much. Weekends are precious to working people.