To expect parents to collect their child from my house

[Kanoe2]

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

This is a 12 year old girl we’re talking about, and people are calling her a CF?! She is a child and will currently be the product of her circumstances, which OP is, incidentally, completely in the dark about. How horrid to call a child a CF when you haven’t a clue what she’s going through.

This issue needs to be dealt with directly with the parents rather than making the poor girl feel like shit. It’s not like she can drive herself home and you have no idea what her situation is.

The fact that you don’t know who her parents are sounds crazy to me.
Im sure as you have older kids it’s a different story as mine are still very young but sounds like the parents are using you as free evening childcare!
I’d never let a kid who I don’t know of the parents to come to my house on a daily basis!

We had this with one of dd’s friends, who we’ve helped out and taken places for a specific activity several times. Parents never want to do the late pick up. It got to the stage, where dh told dd he would either drive her both ways alone or the friend’s parents could do pick up and we’d do drop off. In the end the friend managed to organise for some other parents to collect them!

It's likely the parents aren't even aware she's asking for lifts and they assume your offering or that's she just walking home

I’d have a drink then tell her you can’t drive, her parents will have to come then

One thing that has stuck out to me is that they don’t have dinner but have snacks. They go home between 6-8. They are 12/13. Why are their parents not making sure that their child is picked up at a reasonable time and fed a proper meal?
It’s very cheeky to expect you to drive them home or expect DD to do one of the trips on her own. Entitled much?
The lack of concern or ‘care’ shown by the other parents is worrying x

I had something similar with my DS’s friend. Always seemed to be less give than take in the relationship. In May my husband and I were invited to this lad’s wedding. We were introduced to everyone as his surrogate parents who had always been there for him when he was growing up. It was lovely to finally feel appreciated 25 years on.

It’s not like she can drive herself home and you have no idea what her situation is

Well OP knows her own daughter is being out at risk to walk this girl home and walk back alone. She is also using her time and petrol to drop the child and the cost of snacks etc.

What the did girl did was after all this kindness was call OP rude! She’s old enough to know what give and take is! Not even a thank you.

I'd literally tell her everyday at 5pm to go home, so she doesn't walk home in the dark. Daughter is not to walk her back. If she doesn't like it, then how was she going to get home straight after school?!

Cheeky AF!

Why reward rudeness by ferrying her about or having someone walk her home in the dark?

I’m with everyone who has said just put a stop to them coming over. The nights are drawing in & you don’t want anyone walking in the dark so no more. Don’t you realise they’re taking advantage of you and your daughter and that in the end, they’ll just blame your daughter for no longer allowing them to take the piss. Cannot believe you entertain this every day after school!

My kids are younger but I just can’t believe that parents are letting their child hang out in a strangers house for hours on end, day by day, without so much as making contact/sussing you out/making sure that it’s not a nuisance!

For now, I’d tell your daughter that the evenings are getting darker and she can only come around on future when her parents have made contact and an agreement has been put in place re them collecting her when she does visit. This is totally bizarre.

@Mummyoflittledragon they had me cornered one time - but then never again : one friend needed a ride (both ways) because her mother was in hospital and her dad needed to be with her. My daughter pleaded to make an exception, so I did. I dropped of the girl late at night. A few days later I asked my daughter how the mother of her friend was. My own girl was só embarassed when she told me that "friend" and her parents had lured me : that mother wasn't ill at all, she just went to see a doctor for an eyetest. The parents were home all evening and could've easily picked up their own daughter. I told the girl ánd her parents to not come to our house ever again. They protested," because I was on the road anyway etc.etc.", but they made me drive at least half an hour out of my way in the countryside. At 3 in the morning. So I stood firm ánd I told everyone.

Omg @Sennelier1 You’re a saint to pick up at 3am! Dd is only 15 so it’s more like 11pm latest for any parties.

I would walk her home myself, without my child and I would speak to the parents face to face about collecting their kid. You'll get a lot more information on the situation.

I had a friend at school (6th form) who used to drive me home from school and then hang out for hours most evenings. My mum knew this friend’s home life was crap, but never let on to us. Instead mum welcomed this girl and always included her in snacks/ dinner etc. and only booted her out when we needed to be somewhere else. Years later (after we had lost touch) another school friend said that we’d been the only normal thing in the girl’s life for those few years. For me she was a mate who gave me a lift back and it was fun to hangout with, but it gave her a safe place. So don’t rush to push your daughter’s friend away until you know why she’s spending so much time away from home. It’s not your responsibility to fix her problems but you might be able to give her the breathing space a few hours a week.

good luck x

You're already doing a favour by having this girl and feeding her. They are the rude ones not picking her up. No way I'd have my child walking an hour, half on their own to escort them home.

They are cheeky and rude. I would discourage this friendship. It's all take. I would stop the visits to you house for the time being. Why should OP take responsibility for this child.

Are you in an Uber area? Both my DCs have been taking Ubers on their own from the age of 12. With family sharing, you know who the driver is and you can follow their journey. It sounds like your DD’s friends need an account, so they can go home on their own.

I know some people disagree with it, so please save yourself the hassle: I’m very comfortable with my risk assessment.

Yes, the 'CF' girl shouldn't have said you were 'rude', but saying 'rooood' in response to a suggestion you don't like seems to be standard in kids of that age (and older) and doesn't actually mean what it says. And even if she did say that (and mean it) she's a 12 year old girl being brought up by parents who don't seem concerned that she is out until 8pm every night..... And she might well have said something inappropriate, possibly something that she now regrets.

Yes, I agree with trying to speak to the parents. But I suspect that they are expecting their DD to either come home in the light, or walk home in the dark. I seriously doubt that they are requesting that your DD walks her home. Any parents who are happy with a child getting home at 8pm without investigating too far how this is happening... well, I don't have very high expectations, and agree with other posters who are suggesting that you may be the only really stable adult supporting this kid.

None of which solves the problem of getting her home, sadly. But you will be able to make a more informed decision about what to do once you know more about her home circumstances - trust your instincts!

You are not being unreasonable they are. We have stopped having friends of DS over for this very reason. They come over every night. It's like a crèche! It's alright every so often but when it starts to become a nuisance to you. You are entitled to to say no.

To be honest I’d just enjoy that they are all coming to your house. Everything is a phase and doesn’t last so try and just go with the flow and enjoy that you are in a position to a. Host and b. Drive her home. Honestly it’s not worth creating any unnecessary tension between the girls,teenage years are so hard to navigate. Also if you drive her you get to set the time for her to leave. It’s lovely that they want to hang out at your house after school and honestly it won’t be for ever as things change so frequently at this stage

It is quite likely that this girl knows her parents will be unable to pick her up as they may be drinkers or worse.
That she won't let her friends in her home is likely because she is embarrassed.
My mother was an alcoholic and I never knew from one day to the next if she would be drunk when I got home from school.I would have my stomach in knots when my friends suggested coming to my home after school as I didn't know what sort of state mum would be in,plus the house was always filthy . Don't underestimate the stress and anxiety this can cause a young girl.

It may be wise to have a quiet word with the girl in private ( when daughter not around) and ask her if everything is OK at home,though the chances are she will deny anything is wrong.
Your home is likely a haven away from awful parents and the prospect of that haven being removed quite scary to her, so if it's a case of someone walking/driving her home or not being allowed out ,she'll do whatever it takes to stay out as long as possible and sadly that means roping her friend in to walk her home. Of course this is unfair on your daughter and yourself but something is making this girl want to stay out of the home for as long as possible.
I also must add that referring to a 12 year old as a cf, is out if order, especially when it's clear that something is amiss.

You are not a Taxi service for the child’s Lazy ass parents!!! You already have the kid after school! Tough shit if it causes tension.