To expect parents to collect their child from my house

[Kanoe2]

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

What a bunch of CF's.

Id be concerned that you know nothing of the parents though

Op is not enjoying it though and does not wish to keep driving her home!! That’s the whole point of her thread!!

If you’re happy for teenagers to come and stay at your house every single day after school and drive them home that’s fine but op has made it clear she is absolutely sick of the cheeky fuckery with this girl and her parents not taking responsibility for their own daughter getting home hence why she is on here asking for advice on how to deal with it!

I would be telling her that with the evenings getting darker she can no longer come round after school unless one of her parents come and pick her up. End of!
The fact she’s called you rude because you won’t facilitate making sure she gets home yourself would put me off having her round at all to be honest!
But yes talk to parents - tell them she can’t come unless they collect her.

I suspect some neglect going on with the girls parents. I don't think you can compensate. I think the girl needs to walk home by herself if it's a 30 minutes walk. Not ideal but I don't think you can compensate. I'd turf all the girls out at 6 pm. That's a fairly reasonable time to be walking home by yourself at 12/13 years of age even in winter when it's dark. Is there no public transport? You won't be able to eliminate the risk and with neglectful parents she might be more at risk in other situations or if she doesn't come to yours after school.

Yes and there’s lot of advice on here about how to deal with the specifics, I’m just offering another viewpoint to consider.

the OP knows it is difficult to have these conversations and can result in
unintended consequences. Which may be why she hasn’t done it up until now. so I’m offering an alternative suggestion that a slight mindset shift might also be a way to solve
the problem as it’s likely to sort itself in time anyway.

tor example - they could all end up going to another house and then she’d still end up having to drive to pick her own DD up. As they get older, it is like gold dust to have them congregate in your own house where you can keep a bit of an eye

Totally agree.

Child's home life might be shit. That's more of a reason to be nice to her friend's mum rather than calling her rude for not doing her a favour.

Regardless of the situation the kid could do with learning some manners and appreciation of anyone who does make an effort with her.

Her behaviour isn't acceptable. And it needs a conversation with this girl about it.

And probably the parents too. Potentially if only to suss them out.

I wonder if the version given by the girl herself is accurate. She might be embarrassed about inviting friends round if for example their house isn't too tidy or they aren't well off. Lots of kids can be quite fearful of being shamed by these types of things and worry about being bullied.
Maybe the parents think she is already home (if they are out when you drop her) and are not aware that she is having daily lifts home, especially if you have never spoken to them.
May be they dont own a car or its a single non driving parent and child is too embarrassed to say so, after all its only her word that they drive and youngsters can sometimes lie to cover up perceived embarrassments! certainly the wording of her comments suggest defensiveness and she is after all only 13 and probably not able to handle these types of conversations yet. This probably accounts for rudeness and is not necessarily princess syndrome!
I would approach the parents and see what is actually going on

Yep this.

I’d speak directly to the parents and tell them it’s not on. And tell your DD to point out to her friend that your taxi service isn’t the issue. It’s the fact this girl has rubbish parents.

The CF has been coming over for the last couple of weeks of last academic year. Then every day this academic year. They did see each other during summer holidays but went to parks etc.

So what did she do before that I wonder.

When they met up did your daughter always walk to hers to collect her?

Nope, you should definitely not be driving her home!! Not your responsibility.

Either the parents are massive CFs or something is amiss with her home life. Either way, if I was you (I have a similar aged DC), I would sort this out directly with the parents and not leave the kids to sort it.

When she arrives at your place this afternoon after school, ask her for a parents' phone numbers. Ring up and say very matter of factly: "I am unable to continue driving your daughter home, and my daughter will not be walking her back. She can only come to ours after school if you collect her by 6.30pm sharp." (because, goodness, 8pm at that age is too late!!).

And if you don't get an answer, drive her home one last time and knock on the door. Or post a letter through the box. Friend can only come next day if arrangements for her collection are confirmed.

Let us know how you get on!!!

Is it possible that the girl's parents have no idea that you don't want to run her home? they could also be shocked that you don't mind your dd having to go home alone after dropping their daughter off, without speaking to them you are only getting one side and so are they.

Mmmmmmm, possible. But surely any decent parent whose child is being dropped home every evening after a playdate would make some attempt to contact the other parent to at least check it's OK, and thank them? It would be very entitled not to.

But yes, the best way to sort this out is to speak to the parents directly.

I promise I'll go back and read the rest of the thread but why didn't your DD say to her friend (who I'm guessing we're calling Izzy) "Well Izzy, you're being rude here showing up at my home after school and expecting, not even asking occasionally for a lift home every time. My mum/dad are not your personal taxi service. You can come to my home after school if you have a way to get home yourself later on. If not, we'll catch up again at school tomorrow."

Actually why are all of these kids using your home as their meeting place? Why don't they rotate and go to someone else's house after school a couple of days a week?

I'm off back to read the rest of the thread now (apologies if my questions have already been answered in the meantime).

Surely allowing their child to yours they should have a sort of assumption that they’ll have to collect their child. I know when mine go anywhere I always assume I have to collect then if I don’t and the other parent drops off it’s a nice surprise?

I would stop the arrangement anyway-why is the same group of kids using your house after school every day? Why not take it in turns, or do it once a week?! The snacks alone would piss me off!

Having read the rest of the thread, I'd be going to Izzy's parents and saying to them that the arrangement where Izzy comes to your home after school no longer works and that they will have to find an alternative going forwards. I would nip this informal arrangement in the bud.

The other kid's parents have an arrangement with you but these parents do not. You don't need to divulge that you have this arrangement but you do need to put a stop to the informal one that has emerged.

Time to have a chat with Izzy's parents and get to the bottom of the situation before it becomes a de facto arrangement.

Its a bit cf. Friends here got collected or I dropped off if I was going to shop. Winter not on as too dark.

My guess would be they've told their DD she can go but needs to make her own way home, and this is how she's doing it. I wouldn't be agreeing to pick my child up every single day either so can imagine saying that to them.

Reading between the lines OP I'd guess this child might have parents who don't give a shit about her at all. I think it's far more likely that they're the CF's more than the child. It's tricky because you definitely don't want to be in a situation where you're blamed for allowing her to walk home alone in the dark but nor should you be her taxi service

The first thing I'd do is try and directly contact the parents. You should get a feel as to whether they're just trying it on because it's easier to let you do the work or whether they're neglectful. If it's the latter then I'd be more inclined to cut her some slack and much less inclined to be encouraging dd to stay over there in the unlikely event she's invited. If it's a CF mum who's just playing on your goodwill I would tell her to knock it off. Something along the lines of 'I can't just be expected to take responsibility for your dd getting home safely. She's welcome at our's but what do you want to do about getting her home safe at night? I can either insist that she walks home when it's light or that she calls you to pick her up if she stays past dark. Which would you prefer? Also, I'd appreciate if your daughter doesn't torment my daughter and label me rude for not being her personal taxi service. If she continues to do this I will assume she no longer wants to associate with someone so 'rude' and I will be sending her home immediately regardless of the above if she comes round to our's.

I think you need to use this as a learning point on being assertive with your dd too. She needs to see you dealing with this situation politely but assertively to help her rationalise it herself

Whatever the background OP remember that this will be more about the parents than the kids. The friend is obviously trying it on a bit and being a bit manipulative but she wouldn't have to be doing if her parents were stepping up

Keep her at yours until her parents turn up looking for her.

Yes, the parents ought to pick her up. Though if push came to shove I'd drop her home before letting her walk home late, even if her parents said it was ok for her to walk.

Play date? The girls are 12, not 2.

Ask the friend for her parents number, call/message them, now that the nights are getting drawing in I do not want my daughter out after dark, so she won’t be able to walk her home, your daughter is more than welcome to come round, just giving you the heads up that she will need a lift or I’m happy to send her home before dark.