Page 7 | To expect parents to collect their child from my house

Kanoe2 · 2023-09-22T23:34:07+00:00

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm. One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home. I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home. I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls. AIBU?

neveradullmoment99 · 23/09/2023 11:26

Well for me, she just wouldn't be coming around, end of story. She goes home to her own house in daylight after school. No reason why you can't oblige on the odd occasion.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/09/2023 11:27

Why are they hanging out daily anyway? I would never entertain that tbh.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/09/2023 11:28

They are not eating dinner? Just snacks? Not exactly healthy either!

starfishmummy · 23/09/2023 11:31

In your OP you say they don't have dinner with you, so in that case I'd expect her to be going home by 6 at the latest, and unless you live somewhere very dangerous that doesn't seen too late for her to walk home by herself especially when it isn't getting dark early - depths of winter then she should be collected.

Blueink · 23/09/2023 11:33

Also to those saying the girl is a CF etc, we don’t actually know what transpired in the conversation and only have OPs DDs account back to OP.

Sometimes DC say the friend said this because it’s what they think and validates it to say the friend say it.

We also don’t know how the DD communicated OPs position, especially if they felt awkward or not 100% on board with it themselves.

I would have dealt with it myself directly with the parent though, as I said above.

EvilElsa · 23/09/2023 11:33

With that attitude she wouldn't be in my house again let alone getting a lift home. Coming over, eating my food and then calling me rude? No thank you.

lechatnoir · 23/09/2023 11:45

Next time she comes Walker home, knock on the door and explain she's very welcome to your house but must be picked up as neither you know your daughter will be able to walk home in future.

SnackQueen · 23/09/2023 11:47

YANBU. The parents are fuxking you over by making their child your problem. Their daughter is being a little bjtch by effectively guilting your daughter into being her after school care host and trying to turn her against you. It's unfair and rude. I'd be shutting the whole thing down immediately.

My parents worked late and long hours. If I went to a friend's house after school, they would go out of their way to collect me because it was the right and polite thing to do and because they recognised that by looking after me the friend's family were doing them a big favour.

Your daughter needs to learn not be a doormat and to be wary of being used by her friends. She also needs to see that you don't put up with it either.

BlueMongoose · 23/09/2023 11:51

Wait for a day it is totally pissing it down, and say you and your daughter will escort her home. Walking, of course.

TeeBee · 23/09/2023 11:53

I'd be inclined to tell the friend that she needs to speak to her parents the second she arrives to arrange getting her home. Tell her you and DD are going out when the girls leave (no, you are not using the car so can't drop her on the way), so neither of you are getting co-opted to run around after them. Seems like they're all CFs. If it still causes problems, your daughter needs to stop inviting her.

AlexandriasWindmill · 23/09/2023 12:13

Tbh you need to speak to the parents. You have no idea if they even know their DD is at your house every night. You're relying on a young teen who could have many reasons for misrepresenting where she is, what she's doing and what her parents think.
Although it is common not to know all parents of school friends, I find it really odd that you don't know the parents of a young teen who regularly comes to your house. Everyone in our circle with young teens would make contact with the other parents before having them over. It's basic safeguarding for everyone involved.

Original poster

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 13:35

Thanks for all the responses. To answer a few reoccurring themes:

Our house is used as we have a longstanding agreement with the other friends mum that her DD can come to our house after school and is collected by the mum when she finishes work. This friend isnt local to the school. The other mum repays the favour by taking DD during school holidays. Dinner isnt part of the agreement but I do get them snacks for afterschool. I never took issue with this before. Usually in the summer they will go to the park for an hour or so. In the winter or when it's raining they come straight home. The CF friend has piggy backed onto this agreement.

The school is at the end of our road.

The CF friend lives 30 min walk away, 5 mins by car.

Ive been told CF parents drive. I do not know their working arrangements. I actually don't know If they are in when I drop her home as she just opens the door and goes in. I hadn't even thought of this and have actually never seen them.

Dd has never been inside their house, nor been invited over. The reason given for this is that these parents don't want them hanging out there.

Re homework, the school run a homework club Tuesday and Thursday which my DD attends and completes homework there, no idea if the other girls do.

Honestly, I hadn't even considered there might be something amiss with this child's home life and just assumed she was an entitled princess and her and her parents were taking the piss. It is also possible DD hasn't explained, comprehended or just blamed me to make it easier for herself.

The CF has been coming over for the last couple of weeks of last academic year. Then every day this academic year. They did see each other during summer holidays but went to parks etc.

Either way i will be talking to the parents next week directly when I drop her home next.

OP posts:

Meeting · 23/09/2023 13:41

Either way i will be talking to the parents next week directly when I drop her home next.

Don't drop her off again.

Just ask for their phone number. She spends several hours a week at your house so you're more than entitled to have a contact number for her parents. Text them to say "hi, I don't mind having X at my house after school but won't be dropping her off anymore and my DD won't be walking her home so please arrange a way home for your daughter that suits you".

Wildhorses2244 · 23/09/2023 13:55

I think that’s really sensible to talk to the parents first. It’s also quite weird that your daughter has never been in their house- especially if she’s walked her home - so I think that there’s probably something there to find.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/09/2023 14:27

Dd has never been inside their house, nor been invited over. The reason given for this is that these parents don't want them hanging out there.

Yes they want their dd staying and hanging out at yours

Very cheeky

Who told you this ? The friend

Def get their phone number and talk to them or speak to them if you drop off again

neveradullmoment99 · 23/09/2023 14:39

Actually I had a similar situation start with my dd 12. At the start of high school she befriended a girl not from our area. Mum/ Dad dint drive and she was left to make her own way home from school. She was nervous and didn't know the way. My dd walked her to the station and one time my dh gave her a lift home. My dd soon got wise to it and basically said she couldn't keep doing that. Now she makes her own way.

PinkNailpolish · 23/09/2023 16:13

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 13:35

Thanks for all the responses. To answer a few reoccurring themes:

Our house is used as we have a longstanding agreement with the other friends mum that her DD can come to our house after school and is collected by the mum when she finishes work. This friend isnt local to the school. The other mum repays the favour by taking DD during school holidays. Dinner isnt part of the agreement but I do get them snacks for afterschool. I never took issue with this before. Usually in the summer they will go to the park for an hour or so. In the winter or when it's raining they come straight home. The CF friend has piggy backed onto this agreement.

The school is at the end of our road.

The CF friend lives 30 min walk away, 5 mins by car.

Ive been told CF parents drive. I do not know their working arrangements. I actually don't know If they are in when I drop her home as she just opens the door and goes in. I hadn't even thought of this and have actually never seen them.

Dd has never been inside their house, nor been invited over. The reason given for this is that these parents don't want them hanging out there.

Re homework, the school run a homework club Tuesday and Thursday which my DD attends and completes homework there, no idea if the other girls do.

Honestly, I hadn't even considered there might be something amiss with this child's home life and just assumed she was an entitled princess and her and her parents were taking the piss. It is also possible DD hasn't explained, comprehended or just blamed me to make it easier for herself.

The CF has been coming over for the last couple of weeks of last academic year. Then every day this academic year. They did see each other during summer holidays but went to parks etc.

Either way i will be talking to the parents next week directly when I drop her home next.

CF shouldn't be allowed to come round ever again seeing as your dd is never invited over. Also I don't think it's healthy for your dd to never have time on her own or to do after school extra curricular activities. Maybe the other friend could come round 1-2 times a week. Isn't there a bus the non-local friend can get after school? I wasn't local to my secondary school so I got the bus home.

CruCru · 23/09/2023 16:36

I had a friend who was like this when I was at senior school. I know that other posters have said that she might not have a good home life but this is not necessarily the case. In my case, the family were weirdly afraid of being taken advantage of. So their daughter would accept lifts (and sometimes ask for them) but wouldn’t dream of offering.

Its one of those things that, once you notice it, you can’t unsee it.

I think that the arrangement with the other girl is going to have to come to an end. I can understand it at 11 but at 12/13, the girls are getting more self sufficient.

Your daughter can’t possibly walk her home. If it’s a 30 minute walk then that’s a full hour for your daughter.

In the short term, your car is at the garage being fixed so lifts aren’t possible.

CruCru · 23/09/2023 16:37

Also (sorry), do you enjoy having extra kids round after school? It would irritate me no end if it was every day.

Willmafrockfit · 23/09/2023 16:51

good, i am glad you have resolved to speak to cf parents.
you cannot have her round if she is not being picked up, good luck

evian76 · 24/09/2023 17:55

Obvs the parents are out of order but might a bike be a solution?

GoingDownLikeBHS · 24/09/2023 18:00

I had this a few times when DD was in year 7/8, CF parents expected lifts be given ; one time we all sat down to eat dinner with CF friend and her mum rang and asked why she wasn’t gone yet; girl said to me “mum said I need to go home now”. I said explain to your mum we are eating dinner so we will drive you home after that. Girl says “my mums not happy she says you have to drive me home NOW!”

CF friend then scoffed her dinner in a few seconds and ran to the door with her coat and bag. Little madam was furious we didn’t follow her. I’ve had some weird kids in my house …

PrinceHaz · 24/09/2023 18:10

I say root the whole thing out. No more piggybacking onto your arrangement with the other girls’s parents - no more coming to your house full stop. Extremely rude of the parents and the child.

Judecb · 24/09/2023 18:12

You need to speak to the other parents and tell them you cannot drive their child home. No need for a reason or an excuse. Explain that you are quite rightly concerned about her walking home alone in the dark, and if they can't collect her, she can't come back to your house.

Ohhoho · 24/09/2023 18:13

I kind of agree with ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine
they might not have transport.
How far is it to take her home? My house was a hub when my kids were teenagers and if I regret anything it was complaining how expensive it was .. I shudder, instead of being grateful. It’s a very short time in their life and very crucial for them and for you to be as generous as you are. My grown up daughter still remembers every critical thing her friends parents said to her. They are very sensitive to hurt and rejection and are still children enough to believe they are worthy of unconditional love. By everyone!