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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect parents to collect their child from my house

349 replies

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 00:34

DD friends use our house as a hang out in the evening after school. They are early teens. They don't have dinner with us but do have snacks and will leave between 6-8pm.

One of the friends has an expectation I will give her lift home every night. Her parents have never picked her up. She will only walk home if my DD escorts her. With the evenings drawing in I don't want my DD walking in the dark alone once she has dropped her home.

I have told this child that she needs to arrange getting home with her parents if she wants to come over. I am told by the child parents will collect her. Then on the evening, it will be an excuse why they can't collect her and I have to drive her home.

I have told DD if this child can not get home then she will no longer be able to come over everyday. This has caused tension between the girls.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Charl2023 · 25/09/2023 14:05

I’m surprised by the reactions here to be honest. I was this teenager. I spent almost every evening after school at my best friends house and often her parents would drop me home (this was always a relief) or I would walk home alone.

I think you need to question why this girl doesn’t want to be at home and why she feels she can’t ask for a lift from her own parents. Speak to your daughter and see if she knows anything.

I don't understand the not walking on her own but I think you just need to set boundaries here.

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/09/2023 14:14

Till you speak to parents you won't know

Private1980 · 25/09/2023 14:39

I'm on the fence with this on the one hand why should you I agree with you but on the other hand like you said the nights are deawing in and if something was to happen to that girl after you refused to take her how bad would you feel or how would you feel if it was the other way around if your daughter was at her friend's and they refused to bring her home and something happened?. Its 10 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I think I'd have to message the parents and say I don't mind dropping her of twice a week but the rest of the week they will have to come collect her as you won't be allowing daughter to walk with her

littlebopeepp234 · 25/09/2023 14:43

Private1980 · 25/09/2023 14:39

I'm on the fence with this on the one hand why should you I agree with you but on the other hand like you said the nights are deawing in and if something was to happen to that girl after you refused to take her how bad would you feel or how would you feel if it was the other way around if your daughter was at her friend's and they refused to bring her home and something happened?. Its 10 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I think I'd have to message the parents and say I don't mind dropping her of twice a week but the rest of the week they will have to come collect her as you won't be allowing daughter to walk with her

The thing is it’s not op’s responsibility. If anything happens to the girl if op refuses to take her home then the onus is on her own parents! Yes op might feel bad if something did happen to her but she is not that girl’s parent. Why should op message the parents to tell them she doesn’t mind dropping her off twice a week? It’s not her daughter and so why is there any expectation that she should message the parents to offer to drop her off at all?

TooIntrovert · 25/09/2023 14:51

This

Stacybrown · 25/09/2023 15:07

You are completely reasonable but it makes me question the other child’s home life.
I might be wrong but my assumption is she isn’t actually asking her parents for a lift but says they are so she can come to your house. Her parents are potentially absent or the sort of parents that don’t care if their daughter is out late at night.
You’re completely in the right but your actions could be isolating a child that needs her friends and a mum (even if not her own mother) who will ensure she gets home safely.

GreenFritillary · 25/09/2023 15:22

I don't think op is hosting a local youth club, as some people are imagining. She said they have a reciprocal arrangement with another family, and this girl piggy backed on to it. Little is known about her except that she is badly mannered and oblivious of other people's needs - not unusual at her age, but might well indicate neglectful parenting. We have no idea what story she may be spinning her parents.
If anyone had raised such a matter with my parents, they would have been furious with me for making them look bad to the neighbours, and made me suffer for it. My sister and I spent long periods with other families because our own was abusive and miserable, but we went overboard to be polite and useful to them. And we walked or cycled to and fro.
If I were in this position, I would first see if daughter and the other friend could fill in any gaps, and what they felt. Then I would talk with the problematic girl, if only to explain to her how selfishness and discourtesy can ruin decent friendships, and that it would make for a better life all round to be more thoughtful and polite. I would say we wanted to get to know her parents, and hoped we wouldn't have to mention any of that. See how she reacts.
I would make contact with her parents, saying we had seen a lot of their daughter this year and thought we ought to get to know each other. Invite them over for coffee, 'perhaps this Saturday morning', and take it from there. Once you are talking, say that there is a problem over her getting home, and perhaps she could cycle? If they say that is not safe, say firmly that they will have to make other arrangements, either to pick her up by ..pm or to give her an Uber account.

diddl · 25/09/2023 15:28

if it was the other way around if your daughter was at her friend's and they refused to bring her home and something happened?.

Op would collect her own daughter though wouldn't she?

LesserSpottedDalmation · 25/09/2023 15:30

I would love for my house to be the hub house when my two are older, as ours was growing up. It shows your kids respect your boundaries and want to be near you, while trusting you won't embarrass them!

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 16:02

Let us know what her parents say, OP.

autumnpleasestay · 25/09/2023 16:20

Ultimately, this situation doesn't work for OP, and she shouldn't be held responsible for other people's children. She didn't volunteer for this, and it's clearly not appreciated by the entitled teen herself. If she has it rough at home, I'd expect her to be more grateful and do everything she can (such as being polite) to stay in OP's good graces. Also, her parents worrying about her walking home alone doesn't sound like dangerously neglectful parenting. They're more likely to be merely lazy or engaging in CFery. If they're working or have other commitments that mean they can't pick her up, then their child can't come over as often or stay as late. Life isn't always just how we want it to be, and that's not OP's problem.

Noodles1234 · 25/09/2023 16:21

I wonder if the girl has never asked her parents, so makes an excuse everyday.

Changeofname123098 · 25/09/2023 16:28

I used to love going to friends houses after school. It was a welcome relief.

It sort of fell apart due to 2 things happening. My "best" friend came to my house on my birthday one year; we were at my place alone and my father came home drunk in the middle of the day and crashes out on the sofa! And then later that year I went to school with a black eye that my father's lovely wife had given me. I was in year 5. After the black eye, I never got invited anywhere anymore and my friendships pretty much came to an end. My life consisted of school and the local library. Although my father was unemployed, I was pretty much a latchkey kid. I used to go to the house from school, get my bike and go to the library. That came to an end after I didn't wash the breakfast dishes one day and my father's wife got really angry at me and then I wasn't allowed out after school anymore but had to go straight to the house. This was all before Childine and Esther Rantzen. A couple of times the NSPCC came round, but I was told to stay in my bedroom and my father wasn't home on those occasions. I think that generally, my father's wife must have made excuses to the caseworkers that came but she was much more careful after the 2nd visit and started to hit me with a belt instead.

I think @Kanoe2 needs to be a bit careful in what she says to the parents, as no-one knows this girl's situation. However some things the girl has said don't add up.

  1. She lives a 30 mins walk to the school. Apparently her parents have told her she's not allowed to walk home alone. How did they think she was going to get home? Disapparate? A magic carpet? And how does she get to school? Is Scotty beaming her up?
  1. How long has this girl been at the school? Before she was hanging out with DD, where was she going? If home, how?
  1. Is there a car in the driveway of girl's home? (If indeed they have a driveway)
axolotlfloof · 25/09/2023 16:37

My best friend when I was 12 was like this. Her parents just wouldn't give her a lift, ever.
She was the oldest of 8, and she came to our house for some quiet. My parents kindly gave her lifts for years because they felt sorry for her.
I did ditch her when I was 15 when I realised she was stealing change, and clothes from my bedroom. In retrospect she was probably neglected.
How does your daughter feel about rarely getting any time to herself?

littlebopeepp234 · 25/09/2023 16:56

autumnpleasestay · 25/09/2023 16:20

Ultimately, this situation doesn't work for OP, and she shouldn't be held responsible for other people's children. She didn't volunteer for this, and it's clearly not appreciated by the entitled teen herself. If she has it rough at home, I'd expect her to be more grateful and do everything she can (such as being polite) to stay in OP's good graces. Also, her parents worrying about her walking home alone doesn't sound like dangerously neglectful parenting. They're more likely to be merely lazy or engaging in CFery. If they're working or have other commitments that mean they can't pick her up, then their child can't come over as often or stay as late. Life isn't always just how we want it to be, and that's not OP's problem.

Completely agree with this! I cannot believe some people are suggesting the op should compromise and offer to give the girl a lift home once or twice a week!! This girl was never part of the original agreement, she just piggybacked onto it and her parents are nowhere to be seen.

Chenford · 25/09/2023 17:06

Flip side of this one… (although older, he has some SEN)

DS continually goes around his friends house after school with no thought as to how to get home (45 min round trip to collect him)

He could get the bus if he earnt pocket money by carrying out a 60 sec (literally) job once a week - but chooses not to. Even if he did, he doesn’t look at bus timetables in order to plan how to get home despite being reminded.

His friend’s mum has brought him home on multiple occasions.

Last time we had the pleading phone call to pick him up (after several requests simply to think about how he was getting home before going to his friends) I refused… I’m sure I looked like a total bitch to his friends mother but 💁🏼‍♀️

Ironically, if he just gave a thought to the plan to get home under his own steam, rather than simply assuming we’ll get him every time, I’d have no problem collecting him sometimes….

Chenford · 25/09/2023 17:07

I should add… the pleading phone call was from DS, not the friends mother; and came 90 mins after we’d spoken earlier in the evening when I asked him to think about how he was getting home as the last bus wasn’t that late…

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 17:10

Chenford · 25/09/2023 17:06

Flip side of this one… (although older, he has some SEN)

DS continually goes around his friends house after school with no thought as to how to get home (45 min round trip to collect him)

He could get the bus if he earnt pocket money by carrying out a 60 sec (literally) job once a week - but chooses not to. Even if he did, he doesn’t look at bus timetables in order to plan how to get home despite being reminded.

His friend’s mum has brought him home on multiple occasions.

Last time we had the pleading phone call to pick him up (after several requests simply to think about how he was getting home before going to his friends) I refused… I’m sure I looked like a total bitch to his friends mother but 💁🏼‍♀️

Ironically, if he just gave a thought to the plan to get home under his own steam, rather than simply assuming we’ll get him every time, I’d have no problem collecting him sometimes….

You’re using another woman’s labour to teach your son a lesson.

Did you at least call her to tell her not to give DS a lift so he can make his own way home?

Chenford · 25/09/2023 17:41

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 17:10

You’re using another woman’s labour to teach your son a lesson.

Did you at least call her to tell her not to give DS a lift so he can make his own way home?

Show quote history

No I’m not. It’s up to her if she wants to continually bring him home.

However, on this occasion, when talking to him to ask him to plan his journey, I asked him not to rely on her bringing him back as it wasn’t fair on her

As an aside; he’s 16 - I don’t have her number.

strawberry2017 · 25/09/2023 17:44

It's going to be dark very early soon so I think the best suggestion is she goes straight home after school.

Lastchancechica · 25/09/2023 17:46

Chenford · 25/09/2023 17:06

Flip side of this one… (although older, he has some SEN)

DS continually goes around his friends house after school with no thought as to how to get home (45 min round trip to collect him)

He could get the bus if he earnt pocket money by carrying out a 60 sec (literally) job once a week - but chooses not to. Even if he did, he doesn’t look at bus timetables in order to plan how to get home despite being reminded.

His friend’s mum has brought him home on multiple occasions.

Last time we had the pleading phone call to pick him up (after several requests simply to think about how he was getting home before going to his friends) I refused… I’m sure I looked like a total bitch to his friends mother but 💁🏼‍♀️

Ironically, if he just gave a thought to the plan to get home under his own steam, rather than simply assuming we’ll get him every time, I’d have no problem collecting him sometimes….

Literally what have I just read?
You left the problem to another parent already generous enough to host your son so you could teach him a lesson about a 60 second chore?!

Wow.
CF central on here.

Chenford · 25/09/2023 17:53

Reread my post. The other parent wasn’t put out (in that they didn’t bring my son home on this occasion. I made sure of that before taking the steps I did)

My son has developmental trauma - he cannot link cause and effect well as a result especially when just being talked through it. In common with many parents of children who have similar issues to my son, the most effective tool we’ve found in this regard is for him to learn by natural consequences.

If he goes to his friends house without knowing whether anyone is available to pick him up, and with no money to get home under his own steam - and he does this repeatedly despite walking through calmly why that may be a problem i.e. not relying on others who may not be available, he is, ultimately, going to be in a situation where he needs to walk the hour and a bit home.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 18:11

Kanoe2 · 23/09/2023 01:07

DD told friends today at school that I wouldn't hive her lift home this evening and wouldn't allow her to walk her home. Her friend told her I was being rude. If she walks home alone then she will get in trouble with parents.

Omg she thinks YOU are being rude? The lady who hosts her every evening?

Tbh I don't blame the girl though. It is probably covering up for the embarrassment she feels about how neglectful her own parents are and she can't admit this to her friends/herself so you're the scape goat.

Stay strong but don't take it too personally and make sure your daughter doesn't either it would be a shame if they fell out over this

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 18:11

mathanxiety · 23/09/2023 01:14

PS my guess is there are no parents available to take this child home.

Me too, or they are substance users

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 18:13

JANEY205 · 23/09/2023 01:22

Stop the hangouts, stop the snacks!! Do you not find it really annoying having loads of extra people in the house?

I really hope that I'm the one whose home the kids want to hang out in when my boy is older so I know they're safe