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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be called by my name?

133 replies

Pennypringle · 22/09/2023 09:02

My name can be shortened, think Jessica/Jess Joanne/Jo but I never shorten it. None of my friends or family or Co workers shorten it. If someone does I tell them I prefer my actual name not a shortened version.
My FHs parents keep shortening it despite me telling them not to over and over again, which I absolutely hate.
To make things worse his ex wife has a similar name it can be shortened to the same as a shortened version of mine. She goes by the shortened version. I don't. ( I have no problem with his ex wife but I'm not her! )
My FH has been divorced for 5 years and we've been together for 4.
It's getting to a point where I don't want to visit them, where I'm getting cross with my FH for not putting a stop to it. We are due to get married in 2025, I don't want to be called his ex wives name at my wedding or in a card.
I think it's rude call someone a name they haven't chosen. If someone introduced themselves as Thomas I'd call them Thomas. If they introduced themselves as Tom I'd call them Tom.
Aibu?

OP posts:
bookworm1982 · 22/09/2023 09:06

The fact that you've asked them not to and they're still doing it, despite knowing it's also his ex-wife's name, actually comes across as a bit spiteful to me. Are they generally nice people/nice to you? Xx

LubaLuca · 22/09/2023 09:07

Hammer it home. You want to be called by your full name, let them know you're pissed off about them shortening it.

My name can't be shortened, so it gets lengthened or I get called by my initial. I don't mind it at all, I think it's people wanting to be friendly, but if you don't like it then you need to be very firm. Better to keep repeating yourself than to avoid people over it.

Qwerty21 · 22/09/2023 09:09

I have a similar name and people drive me mad doing it. I don't understand why people do it. If I wanted to be referred to as the shortened name then that's what I'd refer to myself as. I think you and your fiancé need to sit down with them and explain it's not your name. I can't believe you've let it go on for 4 years!

Anothernamechangeee · 22/09/2023 09:09

I’d ignore them when they call you that and say “that isn’t my name”. Every time.

id also ask them why they keep calling you the ex wives name. Maybe do the MN PA thing of asking in a concerned fashion if they have early onset dementia as they keep getting your name wrong

DrivingCadillacsInOurDreams · 22/09/2023 09:19

Every time they use the short name, say 'no, that's his ex-wife'. Every single time. Your partner needs to back you up too.

therealtalk · 22/09/2023 09:21

I’m guilty of this. I tend to shorten peoples names naturally without even thinking about it (a lot of people do automatically where I’m from), however, if someone tells me they don’t like it or prefer to be called by their full name, then I’ll use the name they tell me to use. My only advice is to hammer it home, and get your other half to also correct it whenever they hear their parents use the shortened version

Original poster
Pennypringle · 22/09/2023 09:25

They live overseas so we see them 2 or 3 times a year. It's not a daily thing or I really would have lost my mind. My FH does correct them but then gives up saying "they're old...."

OP posts:
Passepartoute · 22/09/2023 09:38

Sorry, I know it's off the point but I can't work it out. What's FH?

ApolloandDaphne · 22/09/2023 09:41

Passepartoute · 22/09/2023 09:38

Sorry, I know it's off the point but I can't work it out. What's FH?

Edited

Yeah this is confusing me too! First husband and is all I can come up with which doesn't seem right.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 22/09/2023 09:41

Face time them wearing a t shirt with your actual name on. Sign cards in big letters...

Original poster
Pennypringle · 22/09/2023 09:43

Future Husband
I might have transferred it from the wedding planning site...maybe it's not used on here so much...

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2023 09:44

Future husband

PaminaMozart · 22/09/2023 09:44

ApolloandDaphne · 22/09/2023 09:41

Yeah this is confusing me too! First husband and is all I can come up with which doesn't seem right.

Show quote history

I hate the DH DC etc monikers on MN but I deal with it.

But FH........ WTF?

Tg2023 · 22/09/2023 09:45

Future husband maybe?

PaminaMozart · 22/09/2023 09:45

Pennypringle · 22/09/2023 09:43

Future Husband
I might have transferred it from the wedding planning site...maybe it's not used on here so much...

That's DF, surely?..... lol...🙄

CherryMaDeara · 22/09/2023 09:46

I would stop going over to see them.

And if they visit you, let DH host them, don't lift a finger.

It's the only way they'll realise you're serious.

CherryMaDeara · 22/09/2023 09:47

It's getting to a point where I don't want to visit them

Why do you keep visiting them, if they've been doing this for 4 years?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2023 09:48

I think you need to impress on FH that it's not ok. If they use it say "you're thinking of the EX wife, the NEW wife is called Jessica" and don't respond. Of you get a card to Woody and Jess, message and ask if it's you or the ex wife invited as they've written her name. I'd also be tempted to tell them they've made it clear they're unhappy with the marriage but you'd stil appreciate them being basically courteous. If they do it in front of people say oh Margaret is yearning for the Ex wife aren't you Margaret, that's why she won't use my actual name. Basically embarrass them

Shinyandnew1 · 22/09/2023 09:49

Does your partner know how much this pisses you off? Does he get that?

I’d ask him to ask his parents to stop calling you Jo, because it’s not your name and you really hate it!

Original poster
Pennypringle · 22/09/2023 09:51

The live overseas. We see them 2 or 3 times a year. I've met them less than a dozen times

OP posts:
TheFeistyFeminist · 22/09/2023 09:53

One of you needs to say to them

There's something we need to get sorted out before the wedding. Jess is the ex-wife and I'm Jessica. I know it's a strange coincidence and old habits die hard but every time you call me by someone else's name, it really stands out. Can you please start practicing now so that come the wedding you've really got to grips with this. Everyone else there will be getting it right and it would be a shame for you to look silly getting it wrong.

GalileoHumpkins · 22/09/2023 09:53

Fluffy Hamster.

Phsahbrc · 22/09/2023 09:54

Tell them it's annoying you, if they carry on call them all Dave. Set your ring tone to the ting tings song 'thats not my name' and ask a friend to call you every 5 minutes. Refuse to answer to anything that's not your name.

Hotsaucegal · 22/09/2023 09:56

im not particularly fond of when people shorten my name but at the end of the day I know people mean it affectionately. I’d just get over it, it’s not a big deal.

TaigaSno · 22/09/2023 09:58

Going with a different approach. I think you could try to change the way you feel about the shorter name. I understand and agree that it's annoying if someone shortens your name, I never shorten my own. But you've asked them, and they haven't changed. All you can control here is how you feel.
Is it the fact that it's also the ex-wife's name that's annoying you more? Are you insecure about your fiancé's or his parents' relationship with her?
If they always greeted you as "hello lovely" instead of hello Jess" would it annoy you as much?
You cannot change how they behave, and you say you rarely see them, so try to laugh it off and see it as a sign of their friendly affection for you.