To want to be called by my name?

[Pennypringle]

My name can be shortened, think Jessica/Jess Joanne/Jo but I never shorten it. None of my friends or family or Co workers shorten it. If someone does I tell them I prefer my actual name not a shortened version.
My FHs parents keep shortening it despite me telling them not to over and over again, which I absolutely hate.
To make things worse his ex wife has a similar name it can be shortened to the same as a shortened version of mine. She goes by the shortened version. I don't. ( I have no problem with his ex wife but I'm not her! )
My FH has been divorced for 5 years and we've been together for 4.
It's getting to a point where I don't want to visit them, where I'm getting cross with my FH for not putting a stop to it. We are due to get married in 2025, I don't want to be called his ex wives name at my wedding or in a card.
I think it's rude call someone a name they haven't chosen. If someone introduced themselves as Thomas I'd call them Thomas. If they introduced themselves as Tom I'd call them Tom.
Aibu?

I understand your point, but it is illustrative of the ego mania that is making modern life so tiresome.

You think you re being strong and assertive but in fact you are being precious. Stop making a fuss.

@Sayitaintso33 the egomania is on the part of the person who thinks that what THEY want to call someone is more important than the wish of the person whose name it is.

I mean, how dare anyone think that they get to choose what they call someone who already has a name? And how dare they think that their wish overrides the known wish of the person whose name it is? That's massively egotistical, surely?

I really couldn't care less about this - especially given that you hardly ever see them. There are a lot more negative things about in-laws I would consider an issue, this is so minor I wouldn't be giving it headspace.

YANBU @Pennypringle

I have a long name. MIL shortens everyone's names. My name is never, ever shortened. She shortened mine but interestingly about 5/6 years in. I corrected it immediately and quite firmly - ("my name's Cressida, not Cress") gosh I got a look but she never did it again.

I think they are being exceptionally rude.

I understand this completely. I have a name that can be shortened and I have never used the shortened version even as a child. I had one uncle who insisted on using it once I got older even though I told him not to. It did annoy me because the shortened version is not my name. Occasionally people will try to call me the shortened version and I politely remind them that my name is (to use an example Jessica not Jess). People should be called by the name they give as in "Hello, my name is Jessica." There is nothing wrong with that.

That makes sense, I still prefer first husband though 😆😁

Future husband? They’re getting married she said!

My cousin's ex was Nicky and his current is Vicky and I did use to confuse them sometimes but if someone introduces themselves as X I call them X not Y. My gm was called Peggy but she insisted her dd was always called Margaret and she always is.

Tell them you name every single time they misname you but don't mention his ex wife as you will come across as petty. Tell them you have never had your name shortened and won't start now.

YANBU but I am not sure what you can do about it.

This family sound like rude arseholes. You sure you want to marry into this man's family? Especially as HE doesn't seem to be doing anything about it - to tell them off etc.

Age is no excuse to be rude (I am saying this coz your partner says 'they're old.')

My DD has a friend with the name 'Lizzie.' She is 23 and that is her name. On her birth certificate, passport, driving licence, college degree, etc, and yet STILL some people think it's clever/appropriate to call her ELIZABETH.' That's never been her name. Ever.

Some people are just arseholes. At least you don't have to see them often @Pennypringle

If people find calling someone by their name that they have been told tiresome, that speaks negatively about them and barring disabilities, makes them not only disrespectful and entitled, but a bit thick. It’s also not a “modern” thing to be called by your actual name.

The fuss is cause by the person who chooses to not do so.

I’m so glad lots of other posters asked what FH meant. I was totally lost.

Bloody acronyms!

😆
my favourite acronym on here has to be CF, cheeky fucker - “AIBU to think she is a cf 🤣”

OP, your in laws are ignoramuses and your FH is as well not to have sorted this very basic thing about communicating with you.

Get them told but also don’t marry too quickly … (or at all) they’ve all shown you who they are!!

My in laws would never pick their own name for me, much less continue using it if I’d said my name is rhinoceros, not rhino.

I’m the opposite. I identify with the shortened version of my name (think “Jess”), and can’t abide being called “Jessica” or “Jessie”. My ex MIL refused to call me by it. I would call her on the phone and say “Hi, it’s Jess”, and she’d respond “Hello, Jessica” every bloody time! My DH used to tell me that I was over reacting, but the disrespect kept growing in other insidious ways. My DH never had my back.
He is now my ex husband!

(BTW is gobsmacked that so many people appear to have had a problem with FH, maybe it’s too early in the morning, or they were drinking last night 😂, I thought it was pretty obvious given the context of the OP)

I thought FH meant fucking flipping husband in that he want saying anything to his parents.

Sympathies OP I have several shortenings of my name one I love & use and one I hate & don't. It irks me every time I say the one I use and people revert to the one I don't.

Yeah, FH for future husband is new on me. Is it not just DF (dear fiancé?) Or is that dear father? I'M CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Consistently using the wrong name despite being reminded is just plain rude and disrespectful. MIL did this until I just didnt respond to her when she did it and gave her "the look". I might have also called HER by the wrong name to prove my point as I was pregnant and hormonal by then
She stopped.

I was reading it as Fucking husband cus op was mad 🤣

Genius.

Assume it's not hard for them to pronounce, if perhaps they are from a different nationality?

I think as you don't know them well or see them directly for a conversation, your DH should have a proper talk with them. Not just "not Jess, it's Jessica" but more like:

"Mum, dad, I want to talk to you about an important thing that I need your help with. Thank you for welcoming Jessica in x and Y way. It means a lot to me. But there's one thing that hasn't been right and is spoiling the interaction, I've noticed you always call Jessica Jess. unfortunately that's really upsetting her and me. Everybody in her life including her closest loved ones call her Jessica, so she does not think of herself as Jess. It's also close to my ex's name, so it's really not a nice feeling.

You calling her Jess makes us both feel you aren't listening and aren't accepting her. And that's hurting our feelings. I want you to have a close relationship with her, and this is creating a barrier.

So, I'm asking you to make a big effort and use the right name for her. She and I will be very grateful and it will take away this barrier to you getting close to each other."

"Now I know it's hard to break a habit/ maybe it's harder to say.... so let's practice now/ do you want to check the pronunciation etc now?"

"Thanks very much for doing this. It would be such a shame for such a simple thing to spoil the relationship, so I will correct you any time you forget so that you can break the habit. And please make sure you use the right name with your friends so that they all know. "

my name is joanne and everyone has always shortened it to jo without any discussion. I’ve never corrected it because i hate the name joanne

Is English their first language? When my husband managed my son’s footy team I was astounded at how he struggled with kids’ names. I even made him practice in the car on the way there. Same kids for 2 years! He had plenty of time and practice but his brain let him down.
he has severe ADHD and English isn’t his mother tongue.

I'm not sure how asking to be addressed by your correct name is ego mania? Asking to be addressed as Princess whatever could be, but using your own correct name...?
Also not sure how deliberately using the wrong name is "inclusive"? Much more likely to make people feel excluded - "she can't even be bothered to call me by the right name, I don't feel part of the group, no one remembers who I actually am, etc"

It’s not “precious” at all to want to be called by your own name - and it’s the easiest thing in the world for someone to do. If someone tells you their name is Jessica, you call them Jessica: it’s simple. That’s why I find a couple of the comments here from people saying they “can’t help” shortening names ridiculous - of course you can! You’ve been told the right one, just use it.

And yes, it IS utter, utter bullshit.

Spiteful? Really? I'd say there's more chance it's just a name that's engraved in his head. I have a work colleague and have inadvertently called her by the standard shortened form. She's said she prefers her full name but at times I've forgotten. This is because I know another person who goes by that nick name. I'm being a bit careless, not spiteful.