To want to be called by my name?

[Pennypringle]

My name can be shortened, think Jessica/Jess Joanne/Jo but I never shorten it. None of my friends or family or Co workers shorten it. If someone does I tell them I prefer my actual name not a shortened version.
My FHs parents keep shortening it despite me telling them not to over and over again, which I absolutely hate.
To make things worse his ex wife has a similar name it can be shortened to the same as a shortened version of mine. She goes by the shortened version. I don't. ( I have no problem with his ex wife but I'm not her! )
My FH has been divorced for 5 years and we've been together for 4.
It's getting to a point where I don't want to visit them, where I'm getting cross with my FH for not putting a stop to it. We are due to get married in 2025, I don't want to be called his ex wives name at my wedding or in a card.
I think it's rude call someone a name they haven't chosen. If someone introduced themselves as Thomas I'd call them Thomas. If they introduced themselves as Tom I'd call them Tom.
Aibu?

I hate this kind of BS about there being worse things, of course there are, it doesn't mean it's wrong to be unhappy about something that isn't THE worst thing ever. Calling someone by a name that isn't theirs isn't ok, whether it's a shortened version of their name or a completely different name full stop. Just have some respect and call the person their name for crying out loud

Start calling them your ex partners parents name, see how they like it!

Same here, thought she was pissed off with him because of the name thing.

It’s not bullshit. Not at all.

Yes ok, if Op wants full Catherine yada yada as opposed to being called Cathy, Kate, Kitty Kat or whatever , then ok.

Jeez, It’s so precious it’s unreal. 🙄

I am snippy because it’s not bullshit. I wish all
had to worry about was someone saying my name fully ( and yes, I have a name you
can shorten )…

I like the thinking that FH is first husband..he may well be if he doesn’t stick up for you with his parents.
I’d correct each time and ask him to support you. If they call me Jo please say It’s Joanne. If it continues same visit then I do think he could ask if they are having any other memory issues.
My mum uses my full name and has corrected two of my neighbours. I think she bordered on rude but did make the point - my daughter isn’t called that and if you say that I don’t connect it’s her you are speaking about.

My ex in laws did this. What stopped them was, whenever they started to talk about (potential) grandkids visiting them, things they would do together/places they'd take them I would laugh and say "you can't even remember my first name, I won't be leaving and kids I have with anyone who doesnt have all their faculties, it would be irresponsible!" I also made comments about the MIL not being the full ticket and needing help when we bumped into acquaintances in the supermarket or out and about.

Getting forgetful is a sign of senility. Use this to your advantage as most people are terrified of being accused of going senile.

Call them by names which are similar to, but not actually, theirs. If FFIL is Tom, call him Tim. If FMIL is Liz, call her Lynne.

I bet they wouldn't like it.

I read it as Father-Husband...

Replace one letter in their name to make a new word that sounds vaguely insulting. Dave > Div, Fred > Frud, Liz > Loos, Sue > Sieve.

has FH mouth fell of.?they are his parents ; hasnt he said "you have to stop call fw wrong name"?

Don’t answer to it. Say “That’s not my name. I didn’t know you were talking to me.” Every…Single…Time.

You said they’re old? “You seem to be confused. That was his first wife. My name is….”

I'd arrange a meeting purely based on this topic. That way it'll really drum in their head. Tell them to come over as you need you talk to them about something important. Make it very clear that before this marriage goes ahead you do not want to be called xyz because it upsets you, it doesn't make sense as your husbands ex was called that. Your husband has to be there to support you in this too. If they can't respect that I'm afraid you might have to keep a distance with them as that is red flags for me.

OP's future in-laws aren't being affectionate though. At all. They are calling her by her fiancé's ex-wife's name, a name she doesn't like, when she's repeatedly asked them not to. That's either extremely careless or very rude.

OP, he should not be excusing them because "they're old". He should be supporting you. It really wouldn't be difficult for him to correct them every time.

That sounds nice. 😟

Just stop visiting, presumably you are not young teenagers who need to be invited home 'to meet the parents'. Your FH can visit his DPs on his own ... the great thing about being an adult is that you choose how to use your time and set your own boundaries.

Shortening names is a way people show affection and demonstrate inclusion.

I think you are being slightly precious.

In that case I'd let it go, life's too short.

Or it's a way to demonstrate you have no respect for the person you're telling to addressing you can't even be bothered to learn their name and how they prefer to be addressed.

How is it affectionate and inclusive to use the wrong name for someone? Unless they've either asked you to, or it's a nickname that's grown organically over time.

For example my DS is called Thomas. He doesn't answer to Tom. He never has. He hates Tom. But my Dad calls him Tommy Toes. He has done since he was a baby. No one else does it, only my dad. It's his special name for his first born grandchild.

(Names changed for privacy but its a similar idea)

Names are your identity. That's about as fundamental as it gets. Both consciously and subconsciously, having someone refuse to accept your identity is demeaning.

I taught in a very multi ethnic town and the first thing I did was check the pronunciation of my new pupils names. It often turned out that their previous teacher/s had been calling them the wrong thing. It's inexcusable.

So yes, even if there are other dreadful things going on in someone's life, being misnamed is still worthy of expressing frustration here.

This is something I have never been bothered about. I have an unusual name for England and the variations are hilarious.

I think you can tell if someone’s intentions are good and they just get it wrong or if they’re being dicks. In OPs case they’re being dicks and using it as a tool to undermine her.

But in general terms, I don’t get mad if someone shortens or even gets my name slightly wrong by mistake. It just doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

Call them a different name
When they question it say that the name they're calling you isn't YOUR name, look really puzzled and you thought you were all playing a game of 'Let's Not Use Our Real Names'

Annoying. Whenever they say the short name, correct them. Just by saying your name. That’s all. You shouldn’t have to but sounds like they won’t call you your name otherwise.

I thought it was fucking husband because you're annoyed he hasn't told his parents

I think the people who can’t be bothered to say the name that a person wants to be addressed as are precious as well as disrespectful.

It’s not affectionate or inclusive if the person whose name you’re choosing to say incorrectly and/or shortened doesn’t agree or like it. That is not how they view it nor do they accept that and that’s their right since it is their name. You can choose to have people shorten your name if you have such a name, but it doesn’t mean you can ignore or take that choice from someone else because you don’t mind.