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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go on business trips with 1 and 3 year olds at home ?

131 replies

carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:11

I've had to go a few times now. I work exclusively from home, as my company has not HQ in the UK.

I have had to go away a couple of time and it's pretty difficult to leave my kids. They're unsettled and we need a lot of help when I go away. My husband's job is full on and so usually I do everything child related. Night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, all meals, uniform. Just everything. I sleep with them too ( especially 1 year old ).

When I leave it's difficult. The trips are increasing and it's really such a massive deal to leave that I don't know what to do. I want to keep my job and I want to show my commitment. But I didn't think I would need to travel as much and because of our set up, it's all extra difficult.

This isn't about whether my husband could do more. It's just very very difficult at the moment as he runs his own business and he needs to be present, so he can't take much time away from it at the moment.

I have to go abroad for the trips. It's really tiring, as soon as I get home, I am back in mum mode and responsible again, when actually- I would like to rest from the journey. Winter is also coming up, my kids will be sick and I am just not loving the thought of going away.

I've gone away three times and I've got two more times coming up before Christmas - that's quite a lot isn't it ?

I don't want to say I don't want to go as it will make me look uncommitted. Everyone else works from the office and are local to the HQ. I'm the only one far away. It's a tough situation !

OP posts:
Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:13

No I wouldn’t

not a chance

for everyone’s sake

Hellocatshome · 21/09/2023 17:13

Depends how much you want the job I suppose. Also can these trips abroad not be zoom meetings?

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:14

Unless of course you were fully aware of this when you took the job

Whataretheodds · 21/09/2023 17:14

What you're asking is whose career is more important right now?

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:15

Are you part time?

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:16

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:14

Unless of course you were fully aware of this when you took the job

No I wasn't fully aware I would have to go as often. In fact they said they won't fly me out randomly as they're trying to save costs. I thought maybe twice a year, tops 3 times and then only for one night. But it's been a few nights each trip and the next one they would ideally like me to stay a whole week.

OP posts:
Bellevu · 21/09/2023 17:16

Yes.

Since your husband can't step up to parent while you're away because his job is so important, and you've evolved into the default parent, you should agree to use some of the joint income from you facilitating his work to facilitate yours.

Throw money at the stress by getting a regular mother's help or other regular support (such as a cleaner AND post school collection and drop off) round the house that can give you breathing space while at home and then cover the gap while your side of the partnership also invest in your career and self worth.

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:16

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:15

Are you part time?

No, full time

OP posts:
Frodedendron · 21/09/2023 17:19

The issue is bigger than your trips per se.
If one parent has to travel often, the other parent needs to be fully present. Not necessarily a SAHP but definitely not one with a "full on" job themselves.
Between you, you have too much work and not enough life. Something has to give if you want any kind of quality family life.

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:20

carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:16

No I wasn't fully aware I would have to go as often. In fact they said they won't fly me out randomly as they're trying to save costs. I thought maybe twice a year, tops 3 times and then only for one night. But it's been a few nights each trip and the next one they would ideally like me to stay a whole week.

Show quote history

Ok so you need to take this up with your employer

and pronto

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:21

You presumably have in writing discussions re international travel that you can refer to in discussions? How long are you had the job?

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:22

Mhh I don't think discussing it with them is a good idea. It will just make me look like I'm not committed.

OP posts:
Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:22

This isn't about whether my husband could do more. It's just very very difficult at the moment as he runs his own business and he needs to be present, so he can't take much time away from it at the moment.

How did he find it?
did the business suffer?

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:24

What do you usually do for childcare?

Simonjt · 21/09/2023 17:24

My husbans sometimes has to travel for work, I likely will if I remain in the same sector. He’s in Singapore at the minute and due back on Saturday. To be honest I’ve never known anywhere only having travel 1-2 times a year for one night, that would be very unusual.

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:25

carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:22

Mhh I don't think discussing it with them is a good idea. It will just make me look like I'm not committed.

Are you quite inexperienced?

Because to be misled in negotiations and then to raise it with them is not going to look anything other than an employee referring to discussions which led them to take the role

Gazelda · 21/09/2023 17:25

Its hard. Neither of you should have to compromise your career, but the reality is that one of you will need to.

First, can you have a discussion with your line manager. Explain that you expected less travel, and that the large amount of trips and duration is directly impacting on your home life. Offer some solutions - zoom, combining trips, some trips are to your location rather than you going to other place etc. Outline the cost savings and other efficiencies this could result in too.

And get some more help at home. You can't take on 75% of the home responsibilities as well as FT working. And neither should your DH want you to. Outsource. But don't end up burning out.

CountessWindyBottom · 21/09/2023 17:25

Is it an American company? If so they work you to the bone. They pay extremely well but work you hard. My husband has a senior level role with an American company which necessitates trips to the US and Europe, often at relatively short notice and this has been going on since the kids were babies. I opted to be a SAHP because I wanted to be at home with them and luckily we could afford it. I've now retrained by doing a postgrad and even juggling one day a week is tricky. I think you either have to decide if one of you is willing to go part-time/take a less stressful or time-consuming role or you pay for the help so someone is there to pick up the slack. I admire career women (I always one until I had kids) but I think trying to wear all the hats all the time is too much so if your husband isn't willing to shoulder the burden then you need to throw money at the problem. And I don't envy you having to leave your babies, I would find that really tough going.

Goldencup · 21/09/2023 17:28

carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:22

Mhh I don't think discussing it with them is a good idea. It will just make me look like I'm not committed.

You have a simple choice, either you :
A) play your employer's game (I am guessing you are adequately remunerated for your troubles) and either :

  1. DP streps up
  2. You have an uber comityed gran or similar
  3. You buy in help

or
B) You say you can't/won't do it and risk slower career progressio/ not looking committed.

Both have positves and negatives

No one on here can possibly make that decision for you.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 21/09/2023 17:29

I travel regularly for work. My career is important to me. My DH copes fine with the children while I'm away.

meatyryvita · 21/09/2023 17:31

I would absolutely go if the trips were meaningful for my role and career. I regularly travelled abroad for work when my kids were younger and my husband, whilst working full-time too, parented them whilst I was away. They're his kids too after all.

Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 17:34

So it’s okay for you to do everything most of the time but your husband needs “lots of help” the few times you are away for a short period?

This isn't about whether my husband could do more

No, it really is.

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:45

CountessWindyBottom · 21/09/2023 17:25

Is it an American company? If so they work you to the bone. They pay extremely well but work you hard. My husband has a senior level role with an American company which necessitates trips to the US and Europe, often at relatively short notice and this has been going on since the kids were babies. I opted to be a SAHP because I wanted to be at home with them and luckily we could afford it. I've now retrained by doing a postgrad and even juggling one day a week is tricky. I think you either have to decide if one of you is willing to go part-time/take a less stressful or time-consuming role or you pay for the help so someone is there to pick up the slack. I admire career women (I always one until I had kids) but I think trying to wear all the hats all the time is too much so if your husband isn't willing to shoulder the burden then you need to throw money at the problem. And I don't envy you having to leave your babies, I would find that really tough going.

Yes,I've only ever worked for American companies. You don't really complain about ' too much work ' working on holiday or business trips. You just kind of do it.

OP posts:
Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:53

Ok so you knew likely

what childcare do you use?
how did DH’s business fare during your absence?

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 17:56

How long have you been there?

When you say you “sleep with them” does your DH or just you?