Would you go on business trips with 1 and 3 year olds at home ?

[carfreedom]

I've had to go a few times now. I work exclusively from home, as my company has not HQ in the UK.

I have had to go away a couple of time and it's pretty difficult to leave my kids. They're unsettled and we need a lot of help when I go away. My husband's job is full on and so usually I do everything child related. Night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, all meals, uniform. Just everything. I sleep with them too ( especially 1 year old ).

When I leave it's difficult. The trips are increasing and it's really such a massive deal to leave that I don't know what to do. I want to keep my job and I want to show my commitment. But I didn't think I would need to travel as much and because of our set up, it's all extra difficult.

This isn't about whether my husband could do more. It's just very very difficult at the moment as he runs his own business and he needs to be present, so he can't take much time away from it at the moment.

I have to go abroad for the trips. It's really tiring, as soon as I get home, I am back in mum mode and responsible again, when actually- I would like to rest from the journey. Winter is also coming up, my kids will be sick and I am just not loving the thought of going away.

I've gone away three times and I've got two more times coming up before Christmas - that's quite a lot isn't it ?

I don't want to say I don't want to go as it will make me look uncommitted. Everyone else works from the office and are local to the HQ. I'm the only one far away. It's a tough situation !

Nah I didn't know they were going to ask me to come over this much. My customers are all in the UK.

Sometimes I've taken roles where customers are in other countries and I would travel there a lot, but UK roles usually mean 2 trips a year or so.

Anyway, yeah all was fine in the business while I was away. It didn't close down. It's just very difficult for everyone else when he's not there. Or if a couple of his employees happen to have family emergencies or have taken holidays around the time he isn't there, then it can be a problem.
I have been told today at two weeks notice that I need to basically go away for an entire week. When I did mention if we could possibly condense my trips to one day and one night..

Just me. He doesn't do night wakings.

If you were a bloke you wouldn’t bat an eyelid about work travel and neither would anyone else. And if your husband pulled his weight more in general then it wouldn’t be such a crusher for him when you’re away.

I wouldn’t do it- I work for an American company, they really do like to smother. We have an away trip next year for the whole European team to the US, I’m already thinking of excuses. If I’m going to be away from my children I’d rather be with my friends.

I'm with you.

The husband really needs to step up and be a more active parent.

I would and did. But my DH was always very much equal, did night wakings, feeds, medical trips, took days off if they were unwell etc. When I was on maternity leave he would get home in good time and take over so I could get a break, never had to ask him to do it. We do similar jobs so he has to go away sometimes too, but never at the same time.

My advice would be to use your joint income to pay for some solutions. Live in nanny , cleaner gardener and any other service you can out source.
That way when either of you are at home the focus is on time with the children. Hope it works out for you all.
I would also check out if others in your position are having to travel as often . Would be worth a conversation with your employer as well I feel

I think id apply for something else and when successful I could use it as a solid negotiating position.

You have a choice.

Accept the working conditions.

Leave.

The issue is you do full time work and full time childcare. He works full time. So of course it's hard when you're not there.

He runs his own business but he can't possibly do a nursery run?
Is his work life or death stuff as he can't possibly do a night waking?

A week away with little notice IS a huge deal, but him being the boss should make life easier not harder. They're in nursery full time. So he has to facilitate taking and collecting them.

Ultimately this might not be the job for you, but he also needs to look at why his business doesn't work for him as a dad

Well you can't have your cake and eat it. You can either decline to travel and see what that does to your career, or you can suck it up and lean into your career.

I think the ages of your dc are irrelevant. Mine are 9 and 13 and still need feeding, taking to activities, chivvying into bed, help with homework, make them do music practice. It's not like they don't need one parent around.

DH and I share responsibility. I actually have to work pretty hard on my days where I'm on dc duty so I end up letting home life slip.

I think in your case you need to have a discussion with your dh about him getting the help he needs at work to facilitate him dealing with domestic responsibilities. Plus get a cleaner, assume you aren't in the nanny/housekeeper bracket?

How hard is DH working that he can't do the nursery run and then get a clear 10 hours to work?

We all have seasons of greater and lesser busy-ness in our jobs. It sounds like you have a pretty sweet deal if you are usually fully WFH with the few days of travel to HO a month.

Two weeks notice is insufficient time to make suitable childcare arrangements and the answer is that's not possible.
If you don't set some boundaries you will continue to be exploited.

Also, an expectation was set that international trips would be infrequent as your clients are based in the UK. You now find yourself asked to travel repeatedly at short notice. This is not was agreed and certainly your compensation package does not allow you to purchase this level of out of hours childcare.

From the company's perspective it's irrelevant that you have a husband who could do more. Relying on your employees spouses to pick up the slack at a moments notice is not appropriate (even if it is American
Work culture)

The actual problems are the short notice and the extremely short trips being particularly bad for managing tiredness. Instead of these ad hoc trips would it work for you to have pre scheduled visits for a week or so a few times a year and being open to more zoom calls outside of UK working hours so that they know when you will be available to them in person in advance.

I have worked for American tech companies for years.

I'm also a lone parent.

Your choices are your DH steps up, you find a new job or you get a live in/live out full time/part time nanny/au pair.

I had a live in nanny for ten years. Up until my DD14 went to secondary school.

Game changer.

Mate, have you realised how passive and accepting you are of this statement?

Why the eff not?

Why is he more important than you?

I do have a nanny ( not live in ) and I have a cleaner.

But we've not been so happy with her unfortunately and have decided to send the kids to nursery 3 days and then have the nanny 2 days a week.

I just don't know if a full time nanny is for us, tbh. But it sure would make life easier.

DH and I both have quite full on jobs, mostly wfh but both have to travel. DC are a bit older now (9 and 6) but we've each had to hold the fort on many occasions. When I was on mat leave he did some long haul trips (a week away at a time) when I had a tiny baby and toddler at home. It was tough but I coped. And vice versa, he copes, but the kids always did quite a lot of nursery days so at the age yours are it would involve having to fit in nursery runs and the evenings. Are your kids in nursery? I think you just have to accept this is your working life and it'll get easier.

@carfreedom you need to find the right one. I had the same one for ten years. She still visits and is part of the family basically even though she has a new job.

Your relationship doesn't sound very balanced. It sounds like you do everything and work. If your husband is unwilling to change i cant see how you can do these trips.

If a man went away for business 5 times a year no one would think anything 🙄

It is odd to co sleep with your very young children, just you and not your DH, and yet take a job with any international travel! Must make nights bloomin difficult for both the children and your DH!

Fair enough if only a bit but it’s ramping up and you aren’t prepared to talk to them quite reasonably about misleading you.

So the solution needs to be… DH gets much more involved overnight

Sorry I'm also in the 'your DH needs to step up' camp. My partner and I both work away several times a year, we pick up the slack for each other and don't have a cleaner or a nanny. You absolutely can both have fulfilling careers, but your husband doesn't think yours is important.

International travel if part of your work is essential, you can't expect to be treated equally but not want to travel as often as the role requires. Dp's got both male and female employees and they all travel multiple times a year as the job requires, they have household help in place to facilitate this.

If your pay is sufficient, could you get an au pair or at least a housekeeper to pick up some slack?

Tough choice . Not many men would be as worried as this. Having worked for Americans , I understand the expectations. Would you be able to afford housekeeper/ nanny. ? I know it might be a considerable expense but it may the solution short term until kids are older . Look on it as a necessary tool for your career progression. Then when you are at home , you can just be a parent without the boring stuff that could be delegated. Most successful career women can not do it without support, paid or family.

Yeah so my DH needs to sleep. When I took the job my youngest was a great sleeper and my oldest just needed me to stay until she fell asleep. Now they're both just constantly needing to sleep with me and fight over who can get closer to me in bed

I've been trying to sort it out, but I just haven't managed to calm them down, so I'm just rolling with it because it's the only way I get a bit of sleep.

If the job requires it, YANBU to go. If you'd sought out a job with travel that would be a different matter. As it is, you have to either deal with it, exert what influence you can to minimise the travel, or look for another role.