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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go on business trips with 1 and 3 year olds at home ?

131 replies

carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:11

I've had to go a few times now. I work exclusively from home, as my company has not HQ in the UK.

I have had to go away a couple of time and it's pretty difficult to leave my kids. They're unsettled and we need a lot of help when I go away. My husband's job is full on and so usually I do everything child related. Night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, all meals, uniform. Just everything. I sleep with them too ( especially 1 year old ).

When I leave it's difficult. The trips are increasing and it's really such a massive deal to leave that I don't know what to do. I want to keep my job and I want to show my commitment. But I didn't think I would need to travel as much and because of our set up, it's all extra difficult.

This isn't about whether my husband could do more. It's just very very difficult at the moment as he runs his own business and he needs to be present, so he can't take much time away from it at the moment.

I have to go abroad for the trips. It's really tiring, as soon as I get home, I am back in mum mode and responsible again, when actually- I would like to rest from the journey. Winter is also coming up, my kids will be sick and I am just not loving the thought of going away.

I've gone away three times and I've got two more times coming up before Christmas - that's quite a lot isn't it ?

I don't want to say I don't want to go as it will make me look uncommitted. Everyone else works from the office and are local to the HQ. I'm the only one far away. It's a tough situation !

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2023 18:57

DH and I both had to travel occasionally when dc was young. He was offered a great job that would have taken him away less than occasionally but turned it down because he wanted to be a present parent.

so yes I would and did travel, but not extensively.

illiterato · 21/09/2023 18:59

Yes but I had a live in nanny/ housekeeper (not UK) and DH and I had a rule that we wouldn't be away at the same time. Think we only broke that twice in six years and then just for a few nights. However, I have good friends in UK who both travel a lot and both have big jobs and they have a non live in nanny and just make it work- basically they pay the nanny to stay a bit later and then the one that isn't travelling just has to be home on time.

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 19:00

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2023 18:57

DH and I both had to travel occasionally when dc was young. He was offered a great job that would have taken him away less than occasionally but turned it down because he wanted to be a present parent.

so yes I would and did travel, but not extensively.

Do you think this is excessive :

Started in May
Travel for 3 nights
July
Travel for 1 night
September
Travel for 3 nights

Planned
October 5 nights
October I have 3 days where I'm not staying away over night but I will need to be out of the house at 7 am and return at 10 pm ( so for my kids, I might as well not be here ).. I can't do any of my usual drop off and pick ups etc
December 5 nights

OP posts:
illiterato · 21/09/2023 19:01

No-one can really say if that's excessive without knowing what the job is and what the norms are.

millymollymoomoo · 21/09/2023 19:02

Yep
i did international travel when my children were those ages

still do now they’re mid teens

HousePlantNeglect · 21/09/2023 19:04

My job pre kids involved a lot of international travel. I negotiated PT and scaling back the travel while my kids were small but it has really impacted my progression. I wasn't told this would be the case but I knew it would have an impact.

We don't have any external help other than nursery and childminder. But we are both equally able to go on work trips and the other copes (we just go much less than we previously did).

JaneIntheBox · 21/09/2023 19:06

Not exactly related to your AIBU but DH was in a similar position. Not 'abroad', but Manchester to London.
Most people worked close to HQ, he and someone else based in the North West. When offered the job they said 'occasionally' too but it became 3 days every other month.. crept up to monthly.. it just kept going up and up!

He tried to discuss it obviously but as his contract was 'FT office' and the WFH was a verbal arrangement he didn't have a leg to stand on!

I get that people are all 'rah rah negotiate' but you have a sense of whether that would work or not! If you're the outlier and the WFH is a 'concession' they'd think you're already getting a good deal. If they want a UK person to deal with UK customers, but they insist on flying you out to the US then that's ridiculous.

DH ended up leaving. There was nothing else he could do. HIs was even worse as he had to pay for train + London hotel, it was extremely expensive!

Now he needs to travel too but his contract is WFH so they pay for all travel (to an European country). Not only occasional but the ENTIRE team is based across several countries. That's the difference IMO. If you're the only non-office based person you'll struggle, certainly.

Brefugee · 21/09/2023 19:06

it's tough but you have to decide: do you want your career? how much are you prepared to sacrifice? how much do you contribute to the household kitty compared to your husband? (useful when you need to decide if one of you needs to cut back)

I used to go to asia for a week at a time when my DCs were small, in the short term it was difficult, in the long term it benefitted us all.

Youspoilus · 21/09/2023 19:12

So on the nights away- presumably neither the children nor your DH get any sleep at all?

Secondwindplease · 21/09/2023 19:13

Yeah so my DH needs to sleep.

Is he sick? Is his work life or death? Why is he oh-so-important?

Honestly OP, I don’t think anyone can help you with this. You don’t have a workplace problem, you have a DH problem, but unfortunately you seem determined to belittle yourself within your relationship.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/09/2023 19:15

Of course it's fine to travel as part of your job. However I would suggest changing bedtime routines so it's easier for everyone every day not just when travelling.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 21/09/2023 19:24

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/09/2023 18:53

Sorry I'm also in the 'your DH needs to step up' camp. My partner and I both work away several times a year, we pick up the slack for each other and don't have a cleaner or a nanny. You absolutely can both have fulfilling careers, but your husband doesn't think yours is important.

The same here. I have a one and a half year old, and I'm pregnant, and just got back from a 3 day business trip late last night. I probably travel 6 times a year for work. I have been clear that I need notice (I don't think two weeks is enough) and it needs to work with my partners work schedule, or I can't commit. I also don't like to go for longer than 3-4 days, so I understand what you mean about a week long trip. If that was regular I wouldn't be keen.

It can be a huge faff. My partner has a busy job also so it is juggling as we just have a nursery and no nanny. My partner is a really equal parent though. And my career is important, and we like the security of the money from two good jobs

FallingAutumnLeaf · 21/09/2023 19:38

When the kids were that age, yes, we both did international travel.
DH went away on a schedule like yours. I went away maybe once a quarter. Noone questioned me doing everything with job and kids. But whenever I traveled, there were questions about how DH would manage.
To be fair to him, he didn't quite manage it. He would take a days leave each time I was away for a week. But his standards were higher than mine. I would happily do beans on toast for tea for all 3 of us. DH would insist on a "proper" meal.
Nursery covered all the childcare, and there was a cleaner once a week. All grandparents 100s of miles away.

When school came round, it was all too much. DH got an offer to go abroad, and I was a SAHM for a few years. Now, back in the UK, I'm in a low pay, term time, job. DH is contracted to travel 90 days a year - and that doesn't include the nights before to be ready for a 9am meeting.

If you are struggling now, I'd find a way to make it work for now, but look for a new (another new?) job. I don't think it's sustainable given what you say about DH's job.

Mojoj · 21/09/2023 19:40

Whataretheodds · 21/09/2023 17:14

What you're asking is whose career is more important right now?

This. No way a man would be asking that question.

Whataretheodds · 21/09/2023 19:52

carfreedom · 21/09/2023 17:22

Mhh I don't think discussing it with them is a good idea. It will just make me look like I'm not committed.

Or you will look like a reasonable adult who is finding the reality of her employer's expectations to be different from the expectations set when she was recruited, and she'd like to (sensibly) clarify that position and find and plan for a mutually acceptable way forward.

witmum · 21/09/2023 19:53

This is one of the reasons I started working for a British company (London HQ) in the same field. Previously a European company and the norm was short but often, travel, work late.

I personally would start looking for another role that fits with family life. You will be happier long term and the American way of working, even if formerly is intense and to work time zones to speak to colleagues does not really fit with family life.

Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 20:12

Yeah so my DH needs to sleep.

Of course he does 🙄 but not you, it’s fine for you to have no sleep, do all childcare and work full time.

Your husband is taking the piss out of you.

nutbrownhare15 · 21/09/2023 20:14

A man with kids wouldn't be asking that question. Because he'd have a wife at home. Ultimately it's worth reflecting on why your DH needs sleep (and you don't?) and why his career is more important than yours. The problem isn't the travel it's the way your home life is set up.

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 20:20

I'm so tired I could cry. My life is a mess. I feel like I'm shit in every single aspect of my life. My house, my kids, my work, my marriage, the way I look, my friendships. Everything.

I'm not looking for sympathy btw. It's all my own fault.

I have no energy to play with my kids properly. Sometimes I am so lazy I give them a banana instead of an apple because I can't be bothered to peel the apple. I don't let them play with paint and that kind of stuff because I don't want to clean up. Everything is a short cut and I'm so tired of it. I spend way too much time on my phone just trying to distract myself. I don't want to do anything else, but distract myself. Even during work time, I procrastinate so much. ( this has always been a problem for me but is getting worse ). I suck at life tbh.

OP posts:
felisha54 · 21/09/2023 20:22

My dh worked away sometimes a week a month in ME. It was ok at the start but he felt it was unsustainable and he missed us too much. Thankfully he found another job as I couldn't have kept going with a ft job, dc and a dog with no family support. I think something has to give.

Original poster
carfreedom · 21/09/2023 20:23

I have very disrupted sleep. It's been really bad since July. My youngest refuses to sleep in the cot.

We've tried gentle sleep training, but after three nights of continuous screaming for over an hour, I put a stop to it and just sleep next to him in bed. He wakes up in the night a lot and he's up early too.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 21/09/2023 20:27

Oh OP, your are burnt out because you are effectively doing it all. I travelled abroad for work and worked in an office fill
time when DC were that age but my DH stepped up. He got the kids to school daily and I collected. His mum stayed over when I went abroad but if she hadn’t, I’d have moved to getting an au pair with nursery. I had an au pair with DC3 as by then DHs mum could not commit to helping - which was more than fair!!!

As everyone else has said - you don’t have a work problem, you have a DH problem.

Annasgirl · 21/09/2023 20:29

Also, do sleep training. I was always against it but I had to do it with DD when I was pregnant with DS as I knew I couldn’t manage work and 2 Co sleepers. It was the best thing I ever did - incest on getting someone to your house if you can’t manage it yourself.

marketing101 · 21/09/2023 20:34

You don't suck in any way you have a crap husband who doesn't do anywhere near enough for your small children and you. It sounds like hell.

searawn · 21/09/2023 20:38

DH used to take a few overseas trips a year before we had DD1. His company is US based but he works for the UK arm. When DD1 was born he made a decision not to go on any more overseas trips and his company has been fine with that. It's not something I asked him to do, and if his company had insisted on him doing work trips then I would just have to suck it up, but in his field it's normal to have video meetings, especially post Covid. Plus he is relatively senior and is very secure in his post.

We have 2 dc, 5 and 1, and I might have coped with just DD1 but it would be a struggle with 2 DCs. As it is he's always home for bed and bath and we take one dc each so we can have equal time with them, and it's just easier to manage one dc at a time. We split our parenting a lot so DH does school drop off before work and does breakfast for the school aged one. So if he was away it would be a big change to have to look after 2 dcs all evening and mornings and they would miss him too.