Would you go on business trips with 1 and 3 year olds at home ?

[carfreedom]

I've had to go a few times now. I work exclusively from home, as my company has not HQ in the UK.

I have had to go away a couple of time and it's pretty difficult to leave my kids. They're unsettled and we need a lot of help when I go away. My husband's job is full on and so usually I do everything child related. Night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, all meals, uniform. Just everything. I sleep with them too ( especially 1 year old ).

When I leave it's difficult. The trips are increasing and it's really such a massive deal to leave that I don't know what to do. I want to keep my job and I want to show my commitment. But I didn't think I would need to travel as much and because of our set up, it's all extra difficult.

This isn't about whether my husband could do more. It's just very very difficult at the moment as he runs his own business and he needs to be present, so he can't take much time away from it at the moment.

I have to go abroad for the trips. It's really tiring, as soon as I get home, I am back in mum mode and responsible again, when actually- I would like to rest from the journey. Winter is also coming up, my kids will be sick and I am just not loving the thought of going away.

I've gone away three times and I've got two more times coming up before Christmas - that's quite a lot isn't it ?

I don't want to say I don't want to go as it will make me look uncommitted. Everyone else works from the office and are local to the HQ. I'm the only one far away. It's a tough situation !

It's because I'm at home in the day in front of a computer and he's on his feet all day, running a business and managing a bunch of people. And he also has over an hour commute. I don't have any commute.

You’re burnt out. Travel isn’t the reason. 17 nights in a year and your DH can’t cope?

The travel is not the reason you’re feeling this way.

in five months you’ve been away 7 nights. Why is DH allowed to be 100% focussed on his job? Why is the family balance solely your responsibility? Is this how you imagined life when you got married?

Your DH gets to announce, pretty much permanently, “I’m needed at work. I can’t look after the kids.” You are equal humans. What happens if you take this attitude? Why is he more important than you?

Short term, get a nanny. Get the right one. It is an investment in you, your family, your health and your long term independence.

long term….that’s up to you. Do not feel guilt. And sleep train. For the benefit of everyone, including your child, sleep train.

From these words it sounds like you’ve lost your self respect and you’ve bought a line that someone else is parroting to you….

You’re ‘home all day in front of a computer’ - Is this truly how you’ve internalised your job??

It's because I'm at home in the day in front of a computer and he's on his feet all day, running a business and managing a bunch of people. And he also has over an hour commute. I don't have any commute.

And your job doesn’t make demands on you? I’ll bet in his commute time you’re organising family life, sorting out the kids, logging in to work - not supping tea and doing your nails.

You need to try and shift this narrative away from your husbands needs being more important than yours. You both work demanding jobs, except you then carry the bulk of another demanding job in running the house and raising the children. Does he not see you’re on your knees? Does he just not care?

What are his suggestions about how you both balance things? Is he figuring out childcare or help at home to ease things for you or is it down to you to fix?

What does he do with the kids sleep wise when you’re away, is he Co sleeping then or leaving the kids to get on with it? Honestly you need two parents pulling in the same direction if you’re both in demanding jobs.

And your job doesn’t make demands on you? I’ll bet in his commute time you’re organising family life, sorting out the kids, logging in to work - not supping tea and doing your nails.

You need to try and shift this narrative away from your husbands needs being more important than yours. You both work demanding jobs, except you then carry the bulk of another demanding job in running the house and raising the children. Does he not see you’re on your knees? Does he just not care?

What are his suggestions about how you both balance things? Is he figuring out childcare or help at home to ease things for you or is it down to you to fix?

What does he do with the kids sleep wise when you’re away, is he Co sleeping then or leaving the kids to get on with it? Honestly you need two parents pulling in the same direction if you’re both in demanding jobs.

My job is definitely demanding too and pretty cut throat. If you don't perform, you're out. Yes I spend every morning clearing up the mess from the day before while I log into my computer. He knows I'm struggling, but he's also struggling with the demands on him from his job and unfortunately I don't think he can look past his own struggle. When I complain he says stuff like ' well it is what it is for now, what can we do. We just have to get on with it.' Yet, he's super grumpy all the time because he's so sick of his own work load and job. I at least try and put a smile on my face and ask him how he is, he literally just grumps around all the time.

How are we trying to solve it ? We have / had a nanny to help, but we decided that it just wasn't right for many reason. One reason is that I work from home and I had no peace, ever. The second reason is that my husband in particular ( but me too to some extent ) just can't trust another person to go out and around with our children. We worry that they'd get lost or something might happen. ( please don't beat me up about this, it's just how we feel ). Also our older child just runs off and we just worry about it a lot. So having a nanny would mean that at least my youngest one, would be home 5 days a week. Is that nice for him? Just being home with one person ? He needs to get out, go to groups, go to the playground and out for lunch etc. so I decided that perhaps putting him in nursery for 3 days and then having a nanny for the other 2 days, may be a better balance. Also my nanny only stayed until 5 anyway, so it wasn't really a huge help in terms of evening meals and bed time. That was still up to me. I tried to get her to stay longer, but she said she really liked getting off at 5, so I didn't push it. Anyway our set up is not good for us and not good for a nanny either.

( please please don't pull me apart in a nasty way for my decisions re childcare ) I'm happy for other suggestions. But no need to be unkind about it, please.

The kids sleep while I'm away was a shit show for the nights that he was alone ( only 2 ) the other nights my mum came over ( from another country may I add ) and helped out and just slept with them and they were fine. But she can't come over anymore now. I can't expect her to. So yes, he'll have to sleep with them. I also didn't get much sleep because my phone kept going off and I was watching on the camera while my 3 year old cried ' where is mummy ' ' I want my mummy ' for 2 hours 😢 ( that was just the first night thankfully ) after that it was ok. But I do feel bad. They need me.

Op

the issue is that your children are reliant on YOU in order to sleep

this means that when you go away - it is hellish at home for your dh and your children

and then hellish for you when you get back

Sort the nights out and everything will improve

Definitely true. I have tried gentle sleep training with my youngest and it was horrendous. He does not give up.

The oldest needs me to fall asleep, which isn't a problem really as it's quick. However if she wakes up in the night she gets freaked out and calls me / comes to wherever I am.

I'll check out some of the sleep consultants mentioned.

Definitely true. I have tried gentle sleep training with my youngest and it was horrendous.

it sounds horrendous now

and when you go away - even more so.
sleep consultant or cry it out

but to go away before this is sorted os traumatic for the children, for your dh and for you remotely

OP you definitely had the wrong nanny if your little ones were sat at home all day! They should be out at toddler groups, in the park, in the playground etc. that said, a nanny who works til 5 is no good - ours works 730-630.

If you don’t want a FT nanny and you’re comfortable with nursery that’s fine. But consider some wraparound care - doing pick ups 3 days a week must be stressful enough even when you’re home. Get a housekeeper / nanny from 4-7pm every day - they can do wrap around care, cook your kids (and you!) dinner, get the elder one prepped for school and do a bit of cleaning.

but you DO have a DH that is totally opted out of family life. 17 days of travel a year shouldn’t be enough to break you. If you’re not prepared to change anything else (childcare arrangements, your DH contribution to family life etc) then yes you probably can’t do your job. But be clear eyed about why you’re changing - it’s not the job, it’s your set up.

Exactly this. Why is your career not as important as your husband's? Why are you only prepared to sacrifice your own life (and sleep!) but your DH isn't willing to do similar? And why are you making excuses for him?

Yes - did and so did DW.
Its becoming unmanageable because your DH isn’t stepping up and taking care of it while your home fully.
When we travelled the other parent took responsibility including organising help if needed from friends, or a babysitter etc or organised our work those days to make it do-able.

I had a colleague who sounded a bit like you, her DH expected her to organise car, cover, meals etc before she left, plus rang every 5 mins to ask what the kids should be eating, where they should be going, what time is pick up this day etc. so she had the stress of travel/works plus the mental
load at home.

With another parent at home you should be able to go off and not worry. He should be able to find a routine with kids, settle them etc.

I would lose a job over this, but if you have a sympathetic manager I would speak to them about how much you actually need to be gone to and see if you can have it reduced.

Quite honestly, leaving home behind for a few days when my kids were that age to go and focus on work, stay in a hotel and not have to worry about them was a blessing.
Made me appreciate it all much more when I came back.

‘The oldest needs me to fall asleep, which isn't a problem really as it's quick.’

Don’t fall into this trap. Your Oldest will soon learn to fall asleep with daddy too. But not if daddy doesn’t step up and start doing the sleep routines.

Wouldn’t lose your job inmean!

You are trying to do 2 jobs - full time employment plus full time parent. You need more help with the parent job. Either your DH, or a good army of childcare including some combination of sleep consultant, night nanny, a better nanny than you have at the moment, babysitter, childminder.

You are thinking that this current set up is OK because it’s “only” you that is being worn down by it. But firstly that’s not true because it is already affecting your kids, and secondly what on earth would happen if something happened to you? What if you had to go in hospital for a month? Do the right thing for your family, make your DH step up and address the situation, and sort out a robust childcare plan that acknowledges that you are a human and not a robot. Some self-care here is the best thing you can do for your family.

Stop measuring your worth by how much you can endure.

I did controlled crying which is deeply unpopular on MN but needed to sort DS sleep out before I went back to work. It was crap for two weeks but it worked. He is 22 now and is fine with no ill effects or attachment issues.

DH went off overseas loads when DS was little, to various countries in Asia and South America for weeks at a time. I just needed the occasional trip down to London. It was hard, I had a brilliant cleaner and shopped online. No family lived near us and DS nursery was on the campus I worked on and were great, one of the nursery nurses used to babysit for me occasionally.

When you get better sleep everything will improve but get your DH to pull his finger out and throw money at the issues as well if you can though no idea on your financial situation.

Good friend has the ‘busy’ ‘important’ husband. She did everything and worked full-time in a demanding job herself. Her kids wouldn’t ‘settle’ without her -
i.e. he is/was a lazy shit who didn’t have the patience and why would you when you can palm it off in someone else.
Even when she came out with us for the odd girls meal or drinks she could never come before she put the kids to bed even when he was at home.
Any, Mr important, gets made redundant and guess what? She’s still expected to do everything. He gets a job PT and she’s STILL expected to do everything because - oh I don’t know, pick one - kids won’t settle, kids prefer her ( their now 10 and 12) he needs his sleep more, his MH blah blah blah

You have another parent there. Make him:let him parent.

What did I just rea

Why on earth would you decide to waste precious time torturing yourself awatching your child cry on a digital monitor while you.could have been sleeping on a 300 count king size sat in a different country is beyond me.

It's not normal. I agree. It's just that sometimes my H might not hear and my son throws up from crying quite easily, so I was worried about choking. Which is why I had the app set to background noise. It was freaky because I always woke up just before my son started crying.

Anyway I also wanted do be able to give advice on what to do to calm them down. So I was texting my husband during the screaming suggesting putting on lullabies and getting them both some milk to drink to calm them down etc. I know it's wrong and I also didn't get much rest while I was away tbh. I think I did for one of the nights somehow because they just slept.

Need to soft this sleeping situation out. I just can't manage to. Tried to do controlled crying with my son just now as he just wouldn't even lie down in bed and kept getting out of bed switching on lights for about an hour. I lost it and just put him in his cot to let him cry s bit... after not even 5 minutes he threw up everywhere. It just doesn't work for him and staying near him while he's in his cot also didn't work.

Absolutely go get paid childcare if need be
agency nanny

My youngest is about the same age as your eldest. I would struggle but could manage a couple of trips a year JUST now. My husband goes away frequently with work, but it feels different. They are all ever so close to him but I have been their primary carer. I'm the one who did most night wake ups. I'm the one who breastfed them.

Anything more frequent and I would have to Jack it in.

To be honest I’ve never known anywhere only having travel 1-2 times a year for one night, that would be very unusual.

Its really not. My job has this and lots in my sector do. It'd typically be a couple of overnighters in another Uk city each year and perhaps once a year a visit to dublin/paris/milan. Its always a 5am start and an early flight then im back by 10pm the following day.

Op its not the job for you. You're right they won't like you whinging about it even though theyve misled you. Next time research the company more, an overseas hq where everyone else is office based is never a go

I have done so. If your husband can't manage then you need a nanny.

I would and did

This is about your husband doing more though, however much you might not want it to be.

You are both parents. You both have careers. Your kids need to be looked after by you both to be comfortable with you being away. If that means he has to scale back his business then he does.

I just read your posts properly OP, and your husband really is getting away with murder.

If I were you I would

Get a full time nanny. Ideally one who will do some overnights. Two full on careers needs a nanny if at all possible. A nursery is just going to make you knackered.

Up the cleaner, get the laundry included and the shopping.

Get a overnight nursery nurse for a week and sort out the sleep training.

Take a couple days off work after the sleep training to catch up.

Then bollock the fucker from a height, and give your head a wobble for putting up with it. Divide up the chores and that’s that. If Mr lazy fuck won’t cooperate threaten him with marriage counselling. If he fucks up on sorting out whatever his chores are do not cover him - let him deal with it.

Work wise 5 days is quite long but if it’s only once a year.. the rest seems pretty normal.

Tag an extra night away onto the start of your shorter trips so you get some sleep. No one needs to know..

Your husband needs to step up. I was away from home for 2 nights every week for a year and he had to deal with the 4 kids (aged 2 to 11) and he was fine. Because he's their dad. You need to have a conversation with your DH and rebalance the roles here.