Would you go on business trips with 1 and 3 year olds at home ?

[carfreedom]

I've had to go a few times now. I work exclusively from home, as my company has not HQ in the UK.

I have had to go away a couple of time and it's pretty difficult to leave my kids. They're unsettled and we need a lot of help when I go away. My husband's job is full on and so usually I do everything child related. Night wakings, drop offs, pick ups, all meals, uniform. Just everything. I sleep with them too ( especially 1 year old ).

When I leave it's difficult. The trips are increasing and it's really such a massive deal to leave that I don't know what to do. I want to keep my job and I want to show my commitment. But I didn't think I would need to travel as much and because of our set up, it's all extra difficult.

This isn't about whether my husband could do more. It's just very very difficult at the moment as he runs his own business and he needs to be present, so he can't take much time away from it at the moment.

I have to go abroad for the trips. It's really tiring, as soon as I get home, I am back in mum mode and responsible again, when actually- I would like to rest from the journey. Winter is also coming up, my kids will be sick and I am just not loving the thought of going away.

I've gone away three times and I've got two more times coming up before Christmas - that's quite a lot isn't it ?

I don't want to say I don't want to go as it will make me look uncommitted. Everyone else works from the office and are local to the HQ. I'm the only one far away. It's a tough situation !

Awww OP, I feel so bad for you. It sounds like you are feeling a bit burnt out so it's really time to prioritise what it is you want.

It was me who asked you earlier if you worked for an American company. For those who may not get the nuances of working at a senior level for a US company, they basically own you. In answer to your further question as to whether the amount of travel is excessive, not even remotely given that they pay so well and it being commensurate with their high expectations. Negotiating less trips simply won't cut it, that's not how it works so I wouldn't even go there.

Do you love your job? And the company? Can you see yourself progressing? Is your lifestyle heavily contingent on the salary? How about a UK owned company?

Also, if you are relatively comfortable, in the short term I would employ a sleep expert, a nanny and everyone else that you can think of to assist you in making life easier while you get on with the business trips and decide on what it is you want next.

Things will get better for sure.

You are exhausted because you are doing everything. You aren't shit, just knackered because you are spread too thin.

Your first step is to talk to your husband. He isn't stepping up or helping you in any way. Him being self employed js a bollocks excuse as self employed people also have responsibilities and can't opt out due to their work status.

Do you love your job? Do you have a good career progression/salary etc, in which case you need to find a way together to make it work. Is his business profitable? If so then can he hire someone to help him? A deputy or assistant. So he can be home and pulling his weight.

Do you earn more than him? Maybe ask him to consider what would happen if you nad to take a load of sick leave due to burn out...because you are, burning out rapidly.

Good luck and hope you can find a solution.

You have a major DH problem. I don't think he HAS to be at work all the time, he WANTS to be to avoid his parental responsibilities. He's his own boss for goodness sake, that surely allows flexibility. Why on earth can't he do wake waking, is he ill? This is an utterly ridiculous way to live. You either need to get your DH to step up, or give up your career to better his. I know which one I'd do...

*night wakings

Your husband needs to pull his weight, thats a big part of it and no avoiding it.

Would you expect your DH to take on the load you take on and not pitch in? If not why is he special? Would you treat him the way he is treating you?

That’s not an excessive amount of travelling at all but you don’t have appropriate support to match the jobs you and your husband are in. You need better support - it won’t be for long, think of it as an investment in your job 10 years from now.

get a cleaner to come in daily. Or get a nanny housekeeper - they DO exist if you’re in London, go through an agency. And keep the kids in nursery for a few days too. Some nanny agencies specialise in Fillapina nanny housekeepers. They will peel the apple AND play with the baby and while the dc are at nursery blitz your ironing and organise your drawers like you’re in a 6 star dubai hotel.

the immediate concern is the sleep, however: get a sleep consultant in and nail it.

I too have a DH problem. To save our marriage we bought in masses of help.

Is your DH asking his mates if he should step away from his business because home life is hectic with the two of you working full time in demanding jobs?

he’s not, is he?

I think you need to even the load between the two of you, see if that makes a difference. I also think you’re entitled to push back on the travel if it’s not what you agreed when you signed up for the role- especially with short notice.

Personally I wouldn't go abroad for work with children that age. I haven't spent a night away from them ever, although I don't co sleep, I like to be there at bedtime and be there in case they wake. My husband also "doesn't do" night wakings which is pathetic but that's the way it is. I would be happy to go away and leave them for 1 or 2 nights every couple of months if I felt they were going to be lovingly cared for by either their father or another relative. Not for 5 nights though.

Anyway apart from that it doesn't sound like your job is what you need right now, can you drop your hours/do something less demanding/give up work altogether for a year or 2? Presumably your husband earns well if he works that hard and you currently afford a nanny. Cut your expenses/move to a smaller house/get rid of a car/do whatever it takes and spend the time with your young children. You can't have it all so decide what you want most.

Also why the need to peel an apple? Just give it them whole! Even less effort than a banana!

It sounds really tough. And you sound knackered. It's no surprise. You have a full on busy job, and all the childcare/ life admin it sounds like. Do you love your job? Is it your dream? Or are there less stressful options you could like just as much? Perhaps a lower key option while the kid are little could give you more of a balance (I'd give a man the same advice btw). If you love it and it would be hard to replace then like people have said you will have to throw money at the problem. I think you do also need to talk to your husband about picking up more at home. I'm not sure why your husband needs to sleep but you don't? Maybe he can hire more staff so he can be more present?

Awww OP - I massively feel you - from one full time working mum of young kids to another , it isn’t the easiest and throwing that amount of travel into the mix makes it so much harder. My sincere advice to you would be to try and negotiate a reduction in travel or find another role - it’s not worth the stress and guilt. Hope you work it out

Well maybe the company think you ‘like’ travelling? If you don’t tell them then how will they know that it’s an issue? You will have to talk to them.

Your children are still very small for both of you working full belt like this. You need to have a good think about everything or you will burn out.

Yes I do this, and see it as just what life is like with both of you working and small children. The answers on here are showing there's another way, reading with interest

I think you should text your DH what you wrote here - about you feeling so exhausted- and then have a conversation with him about it. He needs to be invested in the solution.

If you can afford it then I think you should also look at a live in nanny and/or a night nanny for a while. Change the one you have - she’s not compatible with you.

Then have a think about why you are so deferential to your DH’s job. Is it because you hope or expect that his business will take off and then you won’t work? If so then that’s OK, but you both need to agree and own that as the plan. Both recognise that you are sacrificing to make that happen (and get it in writing). But if you also want to have a successful career in your own right then, as a family, you can’t afford to have him prioritised over everything else.

FFS. The typical mumsnet response - cut your hours, not compatible with family life etc.

OP there is nothing wrong with travelling with kids at that age. But your DH is honestly being an arse. (No judgement, I have one like that too.) My only advice is to just power through it for another 18 months. It really does get so so much easier once you’re through the baby stage. Obviously do try to get your DH to step up and be a proper parent but I am well versed in that desperation of wanting the man you married to just…be someone different.

you are burnt out because you are trying to be a good parent to your kids. That’s something to be proud of, not feel like you’re failing at. Just keep at it. Talk to your girlfriends about it - there are lots of us, and we’re here for you!

Your DH is taking the piss love. You need to sleep too. What makes him so special that he can opt out of caring for his DC and caring for you? Who made him king?

OP one of us works abroad and the other works nights and no amount of nanny will cover our gaps. One of us also thinks we deserve more sleep.. we have kids in the bed too. I would enjoy the travelling as I would enjoy the independence. I’ve got no advice; I’m just in the trenches with you

@WillowCraft can you drop your hours/do something less demanding/give up work altogether for a year or 2?

Give up work and her long term financial security to rely on a man who does fuck all to share the load of their day to day life? ‘Doesn’t do night wakes’ … no what he doesn’t do is respect his wife.
Jesus this advice could not be worse.

You're burning out. Your DH needs to know this and to step up.

If you told him what you've posted here, would he listen?

You need sleep just as much as he does. The selfish idiot is throwing you under the bus.

Can you get help to sleep train? A night nanny? Get your DH to look into it.

Get meal deliveries. Cleaner, gardener etc.

See if you can get the work trips reduced or scheduled better (more notice).

The kids are doing loads of painting, messy play etc at nursery. Don't worry that they're missing out because they're not.

A banana is just as acceptable as an apple.

Cuddles are priceless to them (and to you). If you haven't got the energy to play, that's ok for now.

But OP, you can't continue like this and it isn't necessarily the work travel that is the solution. Try looking closer to home for support.

Sleep training. We used Andrea Grace - £300 but worth it. So worth it. If you aren’t sleeping properly every thing else goes to pot.

Don’t panic - you are not shit, you just have a lot of things going on right now.

i think a week away with 2 weeks’ notice is worth challenging - not enough time to sort childcare for little kids.

I did go on business trips when my DC were that small, but not as frequently as you're having to. Loved it TBH - those were the only full nights' sleep I had for years!

I'd have a frank chat with your line manager. The travel requests are creeping up. You can commit to X much travel. Do they see that as an issue?

If they want more than you can give then jack it in and get a job with a company with an HQ in one of the Nordic countries. Absolute bliss, I tell you from experience.

No it won't. Approach it from a concern as to the cost to the company for the extra flights, hotel stays etc. Now you've met everyone, ask if it wouldn't be a more efficient use of your time and a lot more cost effective to do more of these meetings by zoom, and additionally you'll be working more effectively as you'll be less tired from all the travelling.

Firstly, yes I would / have.
Secondly,I don't think everything would be A okay if you weren't travelling. The travel is just what is tipping it over the edge.

I have sympathy for your situation (it was a big fear of mine re motherhood)
it sounds shit and I'd be totally burned out in your shoes.

But you need to be pragmatic. Your current situation is not sustainable. You are describing clear signs of burnout.

Agree with others, I would never question the travel from a work life POV. But would Def challenge on an efficiency basis (cost to companyand efficient use of your time)

It's completely unreasonable you do all the night stuff. That HAS to change. You don't feed them bananas Vs apples because of a one night trip to Paris. Also NOTHING wrong with bananas...!

• Contact a sleep consultant. caroline winters gets rave reviews from the tech mum's I know.
• make your DH responsible for all night sleep 7-7 on Mon, wed, Fri. My DD is great with my DH because I insisted he put the hours in he currently does almost all bedtimes / night wakes as I am 2nd trimester with our 2nd.
• buy/use earplugs on those nights and do not help / interfere.

• plan decompression times into those trips. Go for slightly longer so it's less rushed. Read a book / watch a film. Get a massage at the hotel / whatever. Time for you is necessary and good. It makes me a much better /more engaged parent.

Sort out childcare - it's worth looking at childminders and also something geographically convenient. Is your DH researching options?

Outsource food we moved to online shoping. Make your DH responsible for ordering and accept you will eat vaguely repetitive meals. we have a cook dinner 2 X per week (usually fri and sat)

You and your DH need to accept your DH isn't pulling his weight and agree to change it.
If you won't do that, your situation isn't sustainable so you will either give up work/ this job entirely or deprioritise your career to become primary career /default parent. That is absolutely fine - if it's what YOU want. If you end up doing it through burn out / to accommodate your DH and general guilt about the kids it is NOT OKAY.

__

Tl:Dr
Whether you want to admit it or not [blows dust of old trope] you have a DH problem.

Sounds like hell Op

but it sounds pretty hellish for everyone. And when you’re away… I can’t imagine how shit the nights must be.

If you sort your nights out and starting sharing with dh - it will be so much better for you AND him AND your children when you go away

It’s not just your husbands job that’s full on though is it. It’s yours too. So why is he not supporting you, why is his need for sleep more important than yours