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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean he is cheating?

133 replies

TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:04

DH and I have been together 6 years, 2 children 3 and 1 and twins on the way. He is a doctor, recently swapped speciality from Trauma Surgery to Emergency Medicine and is working at a different hospital so lots happening, new shift pattern etc.
Yesterday we went on a family day out with the kids, once we got into bed I asked for the pictures he'd taken on the day, he told me to send them to myself, gave me his phone, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth etc.
I sent myself the pictures then noticed a video which should have probably been in the hidden folder, from a few days before. He hadn't sent me the video (him masterbating essentially). Curiosity got the better of me so I watched it and he moaned another girls name throughout!!
Before I could investigate anymore he came back. I didn't want to get into a argument, I was tired and he had an early start so I didn't mention it to him.
Once he fell asleep I checked his phone, searched the name in his contact only one person came up (not really a common name). He frequently deletes all his messages so there wasn't much between them other than that days and the days before messages. The day before was all work based, yesterdays messages was just her sending a selfie clearly at work captioned "I don't have the energy for this today, going to be a drag without you". He replied "hahah you'll survive". At the end of the day she had sent a message sort of summarising her day in a funny way. He just replied with "didn't miss much then". So all very innocent. That was all on WhatsApp and it didn't go back as far as the day the video was taken.
I checked instagram, no messages between them there. On iMessage they seemed to talk music a lot, sending screenshots of Spotify playlists and it seem everyday she was sending him a Taylor Swift song to listen to and he was reviewing it.
So clearly they are atleast pretty good friends!! But he hasn't in almost two months ever mentioned her ?!! Put with the video I have a terrible feeling he is cheating!!
Im pregnant with twins so had no sex drive for a couple of months now and I checked instagram she is stunning!! And a doctor so clearly smart!
I told my friend and she said it doesn't necessarily mean his cheating but probably means he is atleast thinking about her while having his fun.
AIBU to think he is cheating? That he probably sent the video to her and they have probably being having sex too. He works in a massive hospital with a massive trauma centre which takes in a lot of severe cases so obviously there are times where he will genuinely be held up at work, but I wouldn't know how to tell if he was held up because of that or because he was with her?!
He won't be home for a while yet and I have no idea if I should mention it.

OP posts:
bopbey · 21/09/2023 19:53

Men with kinks for watching their own wank videos while moaning a co workers name is like tiny tiny

Surely the % of women who want this sent to them is tiny?

Mamatolittleboy · 21/09/2023 19:53

I agree with the above comments saying they’d be gone as soon as they watched that video. Absolutely would be out the door if DH was filming himself and saying another woman’s name that he works with!

I don’t understand how your friend can remotely think this is at all innocent. I understand you love him so will be kind of in denial, but you must know deep down this is absolutely wrong.

I am so sorry, it definitely sounds like an affair emotionally or physically is going on. No man that loves you and respects you would cheat, especially when you’re pregnant!!

winterchills · 21/09/2023 19:53

Sounds very likely he is cheating. You need to confront him and get it over with. So sorry your going through this.

BowiesJumper · 21/09/2023 19:57

Did he meet her at this new job or have they worked/trained together before you so you think? It’s a high level
of intimacy/messaging for only knowing each other a month. And that’s leaving the video aside!

something is deffo up.

Maray1967 · 21/09/2023 19:58

Loopytiles · 21/09/2023 19:40

IME people who routinely delete messages have things to hide

No - I do it all the time because I like few messages. I also delete emails because I love an empty email box.

emiily93 · 21/09/2023 19:58

iPhone? Top left screen on messages (show deleted messages) any messages he even deleted in the thread will come back to the convo!

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 19:58

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 19:51

That's rather a naive outlook.

People in affairs do this all the time - both sexes.

Show quote history

ODFOD I know exactly what men and women get up to.

emiily93 · 21/09/2023 19:59

I've screenshotted below

Does this mean he is cheating?
Luckilee · 21/09/2023 19:59

emiily93 · 21/09/2023 19:58

iPhone? Top left screen on messages (show deleted messages) any messages he even deleted in the thread will come back to the convo!

He doesn't seem to delete the iMessages they send (all music related) just the WhatsApp's but he also deletes my WhatsApps and his mums so not sure if that's a sign or not.

Azandme · 21/09/2023 20:01

I'm so sorry OP, but this duck is walking and quacking.

I'd send the video to myself, and then in a calm, relaxed moment when the kids are in bed I'd ask, "Tell me about X."

His reaction will tell you everything, even if his words don't. And when he's done tripping over himself with minimising and lies, I'd play the video. And say nothing whilst he dies inside.

I'd then very calmly ask him to leave whilst I thought because stress isn't good for the babies you're carrying. And I'd do this no matter what he said. If he refuses tell him you'll call someone he wouldn't want to know.

Scare the shit out of him with your calmness.

After that decide what you want to do.

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 20:03

Luckilee · 21/09/2023 19:59

He doesn't seem to delete the iMessages they send (all music related) just the WhatsApp's but he also deletes my WhatsApps and his mums so not sure if that's a sign or not.

Show quote history

Probably an adulthood of cheating and he has learned that 'oh I delete everything ' is a handy excuse. Which it is, really.

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 20:05

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 19:58

ODFOD I know exactly what men and women get up to.

Show quote history

Then how come you don't think any woman wants to receive this kind of video?

So naive

CornishTiger · 21/09/2023 20:05

@amechange don’t be ridiculous. The last thing @TheBrazies is a jobless ex husband if she leaves him. She’ll need the maintenance.

bopbey · 21/09/2023 20:09

Then how come you don't think any woman wants to receive this kind of video?

So naive

I don't think many women do want to receive this or at least the ones I know. I have no interest in dick pics or wanking vids

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 20:09

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 20:05

Then how come you don't think any woman wants to receive this kind of video?

So naive

Show quote history

Feel free to read my post properly.

BrawnWild · 21/09/2023 20:14

I think your friend is right.

If they are 2 months into knowing eachother I doubt the messages on her side would be so humdrum.

Try and reinstall the messages. Say nothing. Think for a week and keep an eye on the messages.

My gut is that he fancies her and that's all. Whether he WOULD cheat, I don't know, but I dont think he has yet.

Gross though, so sorry you are going through this.

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 20:20

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 20:09

Feel free to read my post properly.

Show quote history

"I can’t imagine she’d want to receive it even if they are sleeping together."

Imagine harder.

It's most likely he has made this video on request. It's how most affairs work. There aren't just sad married men producing unwanted home made wank videos where they say their lovers name. Those are requested videos, because it's part of the joint thrill. It's very naive to imagine the women don't get off on it - just because you don't happen to know any women who would - presumably in affairs right?

ohsuzannah · 21/09/2023 20:20

Maybe an emotional affair on his part.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/09/2023 20:23

This is not good. I'm sorry OP, I couldn't get past this even if nothing had happened with her.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/09/2023 20:24

And I'll raise my head above the parapet - I loved getting vids of my DP wanking when we'd first started.

momonpurpose · 21/09/2023 20:28

Callyem · 21/09/2023 17:08

He took the video to send - there would be no point otherwise. They are either already having an affair or it is in the very early stages. Sorry you are going through this x

I am so sorry OP Callyem is right

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 20:28

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 20:20

"I can’t imagine she’d want to receive it even if they are sleeping together."

Imagine harder.

It's most likely he has made this video on request. It's how most affairs work. There aren't just sad married men producing unwanted home made wank videos where they say their lovers name. Those are requested videos, because it's part of the joint thrill. It's very naive to imagine the women don't get off on it - just because you don't happen to know any women who would - presumably in affairs right?

Show quote history

I don’t know how many affairs you’ve had that makes you the world authority - but however much I fancied a man - a wank vid would make me snort + cringe.

I’m well aware there are women with different tastes but, given there is no further evidence of chat about anything but music, we can’t be sure.

I’d wager there are far more sad men making sad little videos than there are women asking for them.

bopbey · 21/09/2023 20:34

It's most likely he has made this video on request. It's how most affairs work. There aren't just sad married men producing unwanted home made wank videos where they say their lovers name. Those are requested videos, because it's part of the joint thrill. It's very naive to imagine the women don't get off on it - just because you don't happen to know any women who would - presumably in affairs right?

I think it's naive to think some men don't do it for their own kicks. I mean some men want to be put in nappies & burped or fucked by a horse...

Callyem · 21/09/2023 21:08

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 20:28

I don’t know how many affairs you’ve had that makes you the world authority - but however much I fancied a man - a wank vid would make me snort + cringe.

I’m well aware there are women with different tastes but, given there is no further evidence of chat about anything but music, we can’t be sure.

I’d wager there are far more sad men making sad little videos than there are women asking for them.

Show quote history

I don't think I have ever asked for a wanking pic but have still been sent several by guys I was dating (and some from guys I wasn't) and each time, they genuinely thought I would WANT them. So while you may be right about women not wanting them, that doesn't mean he hasn't sent it.

The idea that he would just make a video saying this woman's name and NOT send, just have it sit in his phone gallery it is seriously unlikely. Many men get off on the thought that it is watched and enjoyed, however false that may be.

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 21:10

I don't think I have ever asked for a wanking pic but have still been sent several by guys I was dating (and some from guys I wasn't) and each time, they genuinely thought I would WANT them

Which is the point I made at the start. It’s the kind of thing guys think women want, or turns them on to send, regardless of whether they’re actually welcome.