Does this mean he is cheating?

[TheBrazies]

DH and I have been together 6 years, 2 children 3 and 1 and twins on the way. He is a doctor, recently swapped speciality from Trauma Surgery to Emergency Medicine and is working at a different hospital so lots happening, new shift pattern etc.
Yesterday we went on a family day out with the kids, once we got into bed I asked for the pictures he'd taken on the day, he told me to send them to myself, gave me his phone, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth etc.
I sent myself the pictures then noticed a video which should have probably been in the hidden folder, from a few days before. He hadn't sent me the video (him masterbating essentially). Curiosity got the better of me so I watched it and he moaned another girls name throughout!!
Before I could investigate anymore he came back. I didn't want to get into a argument, I was tired and he had an early start so I didn't mention it to him.
Once he fell asleep I checked his phone, searched the name in his contact only one person came up (not really a common name). He frequently deletes all his messages so there wasn't much between them other than that days and the days before messages. The day before was all work based, yesterdays messages was just her sending a selfie clearly at work captioned "I don't have the energy for this today, going to be a drag without you". He replied "hahah you'll survive". At the end of the day she had sent a message sort of summarising her day in a funny way. He just replied with "didn't miss much then". So all very innocent. That was all on WhatsApp and it didn't go back as far as the day the video was taken.
I checked instagram, no messages between them there. On iMessage they seemed to talk music a lot, sending screenshots of Spotify playlists and it seem everyday she was sending him a Taylor Swift song to listen to and he was reviewing it.
So clearly they are atleast pretty good friends!! But he hasn't in almost two months ever mentioned her ?!! Put with the video I have a terrible feeling he is cheating!!
Im pregnant with twins so had no sex drive for a couple of months now and I checked instagram she is stunning!! And a doctor so clearly smart!
I told my friend and she said it doesn't necessarily mean his cheating but probably means he is atleast thinking about her while having his fun.
AIBU to think he is cheating? That he probably sent the video to her and they have probably being having sex too. He works in a massive hospital with a massive trauma centre which takes in a lot of severe cases so obviously there are times where he will genuinely be held up at work, but I wouldn't know how to tell if he was held up because of that or because he was with her?!
He won't be home for a while yet and I have no idea if I should mention it.

Not in the illicit affair or dom world. Men actually pay women to tell them they must do this.

So sorry- what a shit situation for you. If you want more proof it may be worth looking closer at his phone: check for hidden photos and videos in his deleted files.
It does seem like he's been emotionally unfaithful at the very least, and even having a secret friendship with this woman shows a lack of honesty.

Sorry OP but this sounds like an emotional affair if nothing else.
💐

@OhmygodDont as I said it's niche

I would have to confront him. The video would be enough for me to call it quits but you must be feeling vulnerable right now. God what a twat your husband is.

I wouldn't confront him just yet! Not enough proof and you'd just sabotage the plan to get more solid/ concrete proof. I'd check his phone regularly, unknown to him.
I think he's having an emotional affair . He may not have sent the video to his colleague and probably has a crush on her and an eccentric kink ! Obviously not a nice situation but I am not completely convinced he is outright cheating - just yet!

Same. I don't see how there's any way back from this. So sorry, OP.

The only other plausible explanation (and it's a very long shot) is that he fancies her and somehow gets off on filming himself masturbating while fantasising about her and using her name, that's the best possible scenario and it's not good either is it?

I also think it's plausible.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm afraid this would suggest cheating however if I were in your shoes I would continue to monitor for a week or two and see if he keeps deleting messages/pictures. Check his deleted folder too in case he slipped up and forgot to delete from both. It is unusual practice to regularly delete messages.

Sending big hugs xx

"I don't have the energy for this today, going to be a drag without you".

That doesn't sound innocent to me. It implies some level of intimacy and that would be a red flag to me. But maybe it's just me.

Would he be sending videos of himself wanking to a woman he is having an affair with?

I'm not old, but 13 years 'out of the game' is that something women would want?

I have zero idea who DH texts, The odd time I ask out of noseyness it is something I am not interested in so I don't ask often. TBF it's usually another man and something about machines

You'll have to talk to him about it though.

Show him the video and ask him outright.

His reaction will tell you what you need o know, if you know him well enough you'll know in your heart.

Dear god, do not do this.

Exactly, this isn't innocent at all.

Cheaters (and this is what's happening) will lie, deny and minimise. I wouldn't say a word until you have definite evidence just so he can't mess with your head. Then move fast while he's still feeling guilty so you can get the best possible divorce settlement.

*amechange
@TheBrazies Do you know any of his co-workers, can you ask for a meeting with someone higher up. I would try and ask people who work in the hospital if they have noticed anything between them, there are cameras everywhere in hospital too

Dear god, do not do this.*

Agreed. God alive. Can't even🤦‍♀️

Check his recently deleted photos and the “hidden” folder, if he has an iPhone. You need to unlock it with Face ID, but seeing as you already know his passcode, you can go into Settings > Face ID & Passcode > Set Up Alternative Appearance.

Then you’ll be able to access those locked folders with your own face.

If you find anything, air drop it to yourself - and absolutely confront him about this.

Yes, I was wondering about this. I’d hate dor a man to send me videos of him wanking. Is this honestly a thing?

You at least have a window in to what is going via his phone but just that vid and him wanking off to the thought of her when it's you washing his pants would be the end for me in any case. The detail is neither here nor there. Let her have this prince among men.

I was in this exact situation 7 months ago (pregnant with a 1 year old, a 3 year old and a cheating husband) and am now getting divorced.

First of all, do NOT listen to people telling you to LTB if you find out he is cheating because now is not the time. If you're a stay at home Mum you're going to be very vulnerable financially if you split now. Also, going to court for custody of a baby is heartbreaking.

Don't have sex with him again, get tested for STDs and a smear test a couple of months after giving birth. Start taking cash out of your joint account and hiding money just in case (you might need it to see lawyers behind his back).

Do NOT confront him without more évidence and even then I wouldn't bother because he's very unlikely to be truthful. Download an app on his phone that restores all texts (i've done this before). If you have enough money to do so hire a private détective as proof you're not going mad and he's doing the dirty. If you get proof, out him if you file for divorce so he's forced to come clean to everyone. The shame of it should make him more reasonable when it comes to things like spousal support/maintenance/custody.

Tell your family and friends what's going on so you have a support network in place and can start making an exit plan if necessary.

The best time to leave is when the twins are 1 year old so you're out of the postpartum period and can go back to work if necessary.

I hope this is a big misunderstanding but it doesn't sound good.

I would keep schtum for a few weeks, keep checking his phone and look out for anything suspicious. Then I would drop in to conversation one day ‘who is xxxxx?’ You’ll catch him off guard. See what he says, but he’ll know you know. Then perhaps remind him you are carrying his two children while he’s wanking over other women.

Sorry you're going through this OP. It's good you have access to his phone. I think you need to keep quiet and amass evidence.

To those who can't imagine anyone would like a wank video - have you never fancied someone?? The mind boggles at the shelteredness of some perspectives.

Yes I have fancied people. I am married. No, I've never wanted to receive a video of that sort. I would be even less keen to receive one from a colleague with small children and a pregnant wife.

I have male married colleagues that I have worked with for years. Those "innocent" messages seem far too intimate for a mere work relationshipship. There is such a thing as boundaries and I'd never give anybody expectations that I was looking for more than a friendly collegial relationship. On the odd occasion I have contacted people outside workhours it has always been about an urgent work matter.

He's cheating, OP. I'm so sorry.

Sorry OP, I don't have any helpful advice but just want to say before you mentioned the last parts, even reading their "friendly innocent" exchanges must have been difficult, it's awful when your partner/spouse is friends with a female like you described. I have been in the same situation and never say anything as I was advised once that as soon as you show jealousy, it puts men off.

If he turns out to be cheating, you deserve better, and she's not stunning, you're carrying his twins ffs and this is what he does. Women like this deserve men like this. And I know it's probably the last thing on your mind as you haven't crossed this bridge yet but there really are men out there who deserve you better than this selfish cheat. They do exist and you can be happy again. Leave this selfish "man." Sorry x