Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean he is cheating?

133 replies

TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:04

DH and I have been together 6 years, 2 children 3 and 1 and twins on the way. He is a doctor, recently swapped speciality from Trauma Surgery to Emergency Medicine and is working at a different hospital so lots happening, new shift pattern etc.
Yesterday we went on a family day out with the kids, once we got into bed I asked for the pictures he'd taken on the day, he told me to send them to myself, gave me his phone, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth etc.
I sent myself the pictures then noticed a video which should have probably been in the hidden folder, from a few days before. He hadn't sent me the video (him masterbating essentially). Curiosity got the better of me so I watched it and he moaned another girls name throughout!!
Before I could investigate anymore he came back. I didn't want to get into a argument, I was tired and he had an early start so I didn't mention it to him.
Once he fell asleep I checked his phone, searched the name in his contact only one person came up (not really a common name). He frequently deletes all his messages so there wasn't much between them other than that days and the days before messages. The day before was all work based, yesterdays messages was just her sending a selfie clearly at work captioned "I don't have the energy for this today, going to be a drag without you". He replied "hahah you'll survive". At the end of the day she had sent a message sort of summarising her day in a funny way. He just replied with "didn't miss much then". So all very innocent. That was all on WhatsApp and it didn't go back as far as the day the video was taken.
I checked instagram, no messages between them there. On iMessage they seemed to talk music a lot, sending screenshots of Spotify playlists and it seem everyday she was sending him a Taylor Swift song to listen to and he was reviewing it.
So clearly they are atleast pretty good friends!! But he hasn't in almost two months ever mentioned her ?!! Put with the video I have a terrible feeling he is cheating!!
Im pregnant with twins so had no sex drive for a couple of months now and I checked instagram she is stunning!! And a doctor so clearly smart!
I told my friend and she said it doesn't necessarily mean his cheating but probably means he is atleast thinking about her while having his fun.
AIBU to think he is cheating? That he probably sent the video to her and they have probably being having sex too. He works in a massive hospital with a massive trauma centre which takes in a lot of severe cases so obviously there are times where he will genuinely be held up at work, but I wouldn't know how to tell if he was held up because of that or because he was with her?!
He won't be home for a while yet and I have no idea if I should mention it.

OP posts:
Mydogeatstoast · 21/09/2023 17:59

I wouldn’t normally condone snooping on a phone - but have you looked in his hidden or recently deleted folder on his photos?

Honestly sounds like he is cheating. DP is in the police and all emergency service personnel are renowned for cheating I’m afraid.

OhmygodDont · 21/09/2023 18:00

Rosiiee · 21/09/2023 17:48

Wait hang on, going against the grain here. Why would he have willingly given you his phone and left it with you unsupervised if he was cheating? That’s not cheater behaviour?

Because as ops said apart from this video everything else is innocent or wiped as he wipes his messages. All they need is an agreed policy of outside of working hours don’t text anything the wife might find.

His wank video as ops said again probably meant to be in his private folder which without his face she can’t unlock.

Men with kinks for watching their own wank videos while moaning a co workers name is like tiny tiny. Men make those videos for someone to see, if it’s not the co worker it’s someone else but the name would be off putting for someone else unless they demanded as such.

As others have pointed out ED well hospitals are rife with sexual going ons. Worse than the office Christmas party.

Minfilia · 21/09/2023 18:01

If I found a video of my husband wanking and shrieking some other woman’s name then he’d be gone for that alone.

But I would think cheating, yes. Either way he is a shitbag.

Blondebutnotlegally · 21/09/2023 18:17

Pregnant with twins too! Poor you. I hope you are doing OK 💕

Dotcheck · 21/09/2023 18:22

I would continue to monitor his phone, tbh

BakedTattie · 21/09/2023 18:26

You need to ask him. And don’t be fobbed off.

Coffeeandcrocs · 21/09/2023 19:14

I'd take a screenshot of the video tonight OP and then tomorrow ask him who 'x' is - the look on his face should tell you everything you need to know.

C1N1C · 21/09/2023 19:20

The deleting messages thing would be enough for me... I don't know of anyone that does that sort of 'housekeeping' without something to hide.

User3735 · 21/09/2023 19:22

Filming himself wanking saying a colleagues name is not something I could ever forgive, I wouldn't need any other evidence.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/09/2023 19:29

Yes I'm so sorry but he is cheating. Either that or he is the biggest narcissist in the world and gets off to videos of himself wanking.

Not mentioning someone that you frequently message throughout the day and are good friends with is also weird like he is deliberately hiding her (unless he has a strict no work talk at home policy)

Even if he wasn't cheating though...he clearly wants to

I'd tell him that you've been contacted with proof about 'girls name' and he has one chance to come clean and if the details don't match then it's over anyway

randomuser2019 · 21/09/2023 19:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Letitgonowgr · 21/09/2023 19:34

There is no way in a million years I could find that and not say anything! There are no innocent explanations! He’s shagging her or wants to! I’m so sorry for you.

Original poster
TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 19:34

C1N1C · 21/09/2023 19:20

The deleting messages thing would be enough for me... I don't know of anyone that does that sort of 'housekeeping' without something to hide.

He's been doing that for years I do it too. Not hiding anything just a habit I think.

OP posts:
Babygirl888 · 21/09/2023 19:35

This is horrible 😞 no advice but sorry this happened.

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 19:38

It could be a kink of his, as I can’t imagine she’d want to receive it even if they are sleeping together.

Definitelynotem · 21/09/2023 19:39

I agree, probably cheating. It’s despicable in either case at any time, let alone when you’re pregnant! I’d be minded to take photos for now and keep monitoring his phone for another week or so to see if anything more concrete comes up, but I would bet money that he is.

Loopytiles · 21/09/2023 19:40

IME people who routinely delete messages have things to hide

AMuser · 21/09/2023 19:41

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 19:38

It could be a kink of his, as I can’t imagine she’d want to receive it even if they are sleeping together.

Really?!

Sadly (or not) some people who are in sexual relationships do send videos like that and get off on it. Particularly if it’s an illicit relationship.

Mischance · 21/09/2023 19:43

Taking a wanking video would be enough for me to question whether this man is spouse or parent material. Never mind where he might or might not have sent it!

ASCCM · 21/09/2023 19:43

BakedTattie · 21/09/2023 18:26

You need to ask him. And don’t be fobbed off.

This is key, take to moral high ground by being open and honest with what you've seen.

I don’t think I’d be ok with it! Even thinking of her means his mind is elsewhere and I’m sorry this is the situation

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 19:46

AMuser · 21/09/2023 19:41

Really?!

Sadly (or not) some people who are in sexual relationships do send videos like that and get off on it. Particularly if it’s an illicit relationship.

Show quote history

It’s the kind of thing men think women are going to like cf knob shots.

I’m not saying he didn’t make it to send, but it could equally be a quirk of his own.

Don’t know any women who would want to receive that.

cuddlebear · 21/09/2023 19:48

User3735 · 21/09/2023 19:22

Filming himself wanking saying a colleagues name is not something I could ever forgive, I wouldn't need any other evidence.

I agree with this.

I really couldn’t continue.

PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 19:51

Mirabai · 21/09/2023 19:46

It’s the kind of thing men think women are going to like cf knob shots.

I’m not saying he didn’t make it to send, but it could equally be a quirk of his own.

Don’t know any women who would want to receive that.

Show quote history

That's rather a naive outlook.

People in affairs do this all the time - both sexes.

IdoIdoIpoo · 21/09/2023 19:52

He is cheating. Or at least sexting. Same difference. I simply can't think of any other explaination. Does anyone film themselves saying someone else's name? Maybe they do and I'm naive.

Does he send you these types of videos? As in, forgetting the other woman's name, we're you shocked that he would film or photo himself anyway? It's something I've never done, but realise perhaps I am in the minority?

Feel really very sorry for you.

bopbey · 21/09/2023 19:52
  • Men with kinks for watching their own wank videos while moaning a co workers name is like tiny tiny
Swipe left for the next trending thread