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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean he is cheating?

133 replies

TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:04

DH and I have been together 6 years, 2 children 3 and 1 and twins on the way. He is a doctor, recently swapped speciality from Trauma Surgery to Emergency Medicine and is working at a different hospital so lots happening, new shift pattern etc.
Yesterday we went on a family day out with the kids, once we got into bed I asked for the pictures he'd taken on the day, he told me to send them to myself, gave me his phone, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth etc.
I sent myself the pictures then noticed a video which should have probably been in the hidden folder, from a few days before. He hadn't sent me the video (him masterbating essentially). Curiosity got the better of me so I watched it and he moaned another girls name throughout!!
Before I could investigate anymore he came back. I didn't want to get into a argument, I was tired and he had an early start so I didn't mention it to him.
Once he fell asleep I checked his phone, searched the name in his contact only one person came up (not really a common name). He frequently deletes all his messages so there wasn't much between them other than that days and the days before messages. The day before was all work based, yesterdays messages was just her sending a selfie clearly at work captioned "I don't have the energy for this today, going to be a drag without you". He replied "hahah you'll survive". At the end of the day she had sent a message sort of summarising her day in a funny way. He just replied with "didn't miss much then". So all very innocent. That was all on WhatsApp and it didn't go back as far as the day the video was taken.
I checked instagram, no messages between them there. On iMessage they seemed to talk music a lot, sending screenshots of Spotify playlists and it seem everyday she was sending him a Taylor Swift song to listen to and he was reviewing it.
So clearly they are atleast pretty good friends!! But he hasn't in almost two months ever mentioned her ?!! Put with the video I have a terrible feeling he is cheating!!
Im pregnant with twins so had no sex drive for a couple of months now and I checked instagram she is stunning!! And a doctor so clearly smart!
I told my friend and she said it doesn't necessarily mean his cheating but probably means he is atleast thinking about her while having his fun.
AIBU to think he is cheating? That he probably sent the video to her and they have probably being having sex too. He works in a massive hospital with a massive trauma centre which takes in a lot of severe cases so obviously there are times where he will genuinely be held up at work, but I wouldn't know how to tell if he was held up because of that or because he was with her?!
He won't be home for a while yet and I have no idea if I should mention it.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 22/09/2023 02:02

Your husband trusts you enough to have you use his phone.
As uncomfortable as it is, you need to ask him the question about what you saw ASAP. Tackle it at the right time and with sensitivity, but soon.

Whatever is happening (or not) is happening and you need to understand the reality and confront the issue..

GoldenSpangles · 22/09/2023 02:03

I think the advice to leave immediately when she has toddlers and is pregnant with twins is not good advice. Why should she move out and scrape by on less money while looking after 4 kids under 4 with two being newborns? It would be much better to wait till she's had the babies and had a chance to recover and made a concerted effort to get them to sleep through the night. If she can put a little money aside during this time that would be all the better.

Honeychickpea · 22/09/2023 02:33

amechange · 21/09/2023 17:37

@TheBrazies Do you know any of his co-workers, can you ask for a meeting with someone higher up. I would try and ask people who work in the hospital if they have noticed anything between them, there are cameras everywhere in hospital too

Are you insane?

bb2mama · 22/09/2023 02:57

So sorry this is happening to you 😔 he really is the lowest of the low doing this when you're pregnant and i could probably forgive the wanking video this is somehow not been made for her (unlikely but possible) but if he's been flirting cheating anything while pregnant I could never forgive that level of disrespect ever ever ever.
I definitely agree to keep checking his phone daily and monitor messages and pictures etc. because you will have questions for test of your like and now is the only chance to get feel answers. He will always lie and deny at least go some degree. So try see for yourself.

Then I love the idea of confronting his with an eery level of calmness!

I just wanted to add that I also love idea of adding Face ID for full access however I have found before when I have added my husbands finger print to my iPhone (we happily share) it's made me re login to all my internet banking apps (removed finger print ID until I re login fully one time). I'm assuming something similar might happen with Face ID. So just a word of caution about that as could alert him. So maybe snoop elsewhere a fair bit first just in case that gives game away

bb2mama · 22/09/2023 02:58

*rest of your life

bb2mama · 22/09/2023 02:58

*Real answers

Sorry for typos! Where has edit button gone eek

momonpurpose · 22/09/2023 02:59

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 21/09/2023 23:33

You at least have a window in to what is going via his phone but just that vid and him wanking off to the thought of her when it's you washing his pants would be the end for me in any case. The detail is neither here nor there. Let her have this prince among men.

God that is the truth washing his pants cooking his food all that

Peacendkindness · 22/09/2023 03:02

It’s disgusting at best and well the affair bit - clearly thinking of her and not his wife and kids - have you screen-hotted or forwarded the video to yourself - I would as insurance and then confront him - see what he has to say for himself - defensive or gloss over it whilst I’m carrying his children - would be a deal breaker

momonpurpose · 22/09/2023 03:04

sunglassesonthetable · 21/09/2023 23:04

*amechange
@TheBrazies Do you know any of his co-workers, can you ask for a meeting with someone higher up. I would try and ask people who work in the hospital if they have noticed anything between them, there are cameras everywhere in hospital too

Dear god, do not do this.*

Agreed. God alive. Can't even🤦‍♀️

I cannot even imagine what job would allow this. Lawsuit waiting to happen if OP did this. Not to mention the op humiliating herself. Wth

mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 03:06

I think you know what's happening OP. I'm sorry. What a shit bag. Xxxx

Hibiscrubbed · 22/09/2023 03:07

I know you’re pregnant but OP, you’re so passive.

Bournetilly · 22/09/2023 03:36

I’m sorry but yes he is cheating. He wouldn’t send that video to a friend.

creativeblossom · 22/09/2023 03:47

100% yes, he's cheating or attempting to get her to sleep with him. When the facts are this clear there is no reasonable explanation.

why would any one wank off and film themselves whilst saying some one ease name, seriously do not pretend this is not what it looks like.

Very sorry OP.

asleep · 22/09/2023 04:10

The texting and emotional shit would end it for me alone. The wanking? (And clearly cheating) He wouldn't see me for dust.

Bansheed · 22/09/2023 04:16

Oh this man has enraged me! You will four under four of his children and this is how he is behaving?!

If, and I am absolutely stunned if you can, you are able to keep calm the PP who suggested that you keep your counsel until the babies are born and you have them in some sort of routine.

What is your support network like? Who, other than this prick, can help you?

Inauthentic · 22/09/2023 05:51

I have added my husbands finger print to my iPhone (we happily share)

@bb2mama Is this your solution to prevent infidelity? Why would access your huband's phone?

ChampagneLassie · 22/09/2023 05:51

I doubt it. I think the messages suggest friendly chit chat and the video that he fantasies about her. As you’ve said he’s only been there two months, how much can it really have developed. We all have thoughts about other people, he should have kept to himself. Rather than letting your feelings build I’d confront him now with the video and ask for an explanation. His reaction will guide what you do next. But unless you want to end your marriage over this surely him being very sorry and not behaving like this is what you want

Mdlepai · 22/09/2023 07:15

Why is it always twins!

morag1234 · 22/09/2023 07:30

Did you confront him in the end?

It does like he's probably cheating but the messages don't seem to reflect that (I understand he's deleted some of the older ones so I guess they could be dodgy).

The only other thing I can think of is he has a 'crush' on her and is fantasising about her. A weird way of doing it but I guess everyone's different.

Sounds like he's only just started working there, so that would be pretty quick for him to start something like that.

Older73 · 22/09/2023 07:49

Aside from all this I'm actually shocked to hear that all ED services have high cheating????
I would think the opposite actually, too much stress, tiredness, no thinking of anything else than the job...

Reetnice · 22/09/2023 08:07

If you’ve thoroughly searched his phone and found nothing more, I guess the next step is to confront and ask? It’s not like he can delete anything (apart from the video - which, fro your sake, I’d record on my own phone? Just as “mild” evidence in case he does delete that and try deny it)

ClairDeLaLune · 22/09/2023 08:43

I would send the video to myself and leave it in his sent messages and see what his reaction is

StopStartStop · 22/09/2023 08:51

Lawyer up, OP. If you haven't spoken to him yet, don't until you're ready with your financial evidence, legal documents and precious items safe.

Objectrelations · 22/09/2023 14:47

Oh gosh I hope you are ok op this is a shocker!

Daisyhillsareblooming · 22/09/2023 18:28

I definitely would not leave myself in a vulnerable position and leave . If it turns out he’s cheating let him leave . Your priority is your children, sounds like he’s got a weird fantasy thing going on here which will most likely stop when you confront him. Sadly doctors are renown for cheating , I had loads contact me on internet dating with weird requests when I broke up with my ex husband.