Friend has said she couldn’t be friends with me if I took the job

[lnterviewWoes]

I’ve been offered a really fascinating job that would involve a lot of travel and meeting lots of interesting people.

It involves working for a former politician. Not directly but closely. I don’t support most of their views but the role is independent of their politics.

I have a small group of close friends. I told one friend and she’s said she couldn’t be friends with me if I took it, which has really dampened things. It also comes with a 20% wage increase. I want to take the role but I don’t want to lose one of my oldest friends. I’m really not sure what to do.

GREEN with jealousy. For the love of God please don't turn the job down for a mate like that, she should want to be your friend and support you no matter what! Let alone a bloody good job opportunity which makes me think what I'm thinking.

@Lastchancechica "As a friend we don’t get to call the shots on big life decisions, or any decision.

You seem to have fundamentally misunderstood what friendship is supposed to be, and more specifically it’s limits."

Actually, I do think there is a misunderstanding here. Of course a friend can't call the shots on big life decisions.

But a friend absolutely can and should say "You are my friend and I love you, but if you do X, then I have to tell you that I'm going to find it very hard to think of you the same way, and probably won't be able to stay as close to you as I have been." As I said ages ago, I had to do this with a friend who took a morally reprehensible job. It was that or just withdraw, which would have been cowardly.

You can judge people by the company they keep. If you are working for eg Boris Johnson, I would have a lower opinion of you, but would keep that to myself

It’s narrow minded in the extreme.

Ops friend is not saying she will be ‘less close’ to op, but not friends at all. It sounds like blackmail.

I have friends that represent murderers and rapists in court, does that mean they don’t deserve to have any friends? Or those that work as counsellors, therapists and psychologists with such people? Nurses that stitch up a child rapist after a fight or those that perform late abortions. None of them deserve friends?

The problem with such rigid attitudes is that it is purely based on perception. It’s pure opinion not fact. So where would it stop? Your black list might just get longer as you constantly add more things that offend your sensibilities?

I see this in very pro labour supporters - not all, but a sub set of people that are welded and evangelical about their truth being the only truth, and demanding others ‘think’ in the same way they do. It’s disturbing and distorted thinking in a country that prides itself as a tolerant, free thinking nation, it appears only if it’s only acceptable if it’s the ‘right’ kind of thinking in some parts of society.

@Lastchancechica "It’s narrow minded in the extreme.

My friend was taking a job for British American Tobacco-her main role was researching new markets among young people in the developing world. Could you have got your moral
compass round that? I'm not being drawn on the "pro Labour" jibe but just to say that putting money before principles seems much more a right wing attitude to me.

I agree with you, @CurlewKate, and think you’ve been commendably patient on the thread.

Principles are based on perception and they change over time.

Your ex friend’s job is not ideal, but how can you expect her to be deprived of a living just because it doesn’t sit well with you? Are principles going to pay the gas bill?

It seems to me that far too many ‘principled’ people have the indulgent luxury of putting their sensitivities before paying their bills.

They indeed have the financial freedom to pick and choose from jobs that coordinate with their values. It smacks of total hypocrisy that they have this luxury, and others do not, and judge everyone around them for not having this option!

They then compound it by voting for a working class party crudely displaying their values based opinions whilst having no idea whatsoever what it is like to be truly working class and in a position of having to take any job to stay afloat.

These people are very judgmental and blinkered, hand picking those that will repeat back their own dogma, parrot fashion, will do nothing to enrich their knowledge, empathy and understanding of others.

Your friend had a lucky escape.

There are groups of people for whom not having strong principles could incredibly dangerous. You can put finances before the safety and security of your family and friends, but some people can't. Certain politicians build their career on promoting absolute utter hate. If this is something you can overlook, you are the lucky one.

@Lastchancechica
"Your ex friend’s job is not ideal, but how can you expect her to be deprived of a living just because it doesn’t sit well with you? Are principles going to pay the gas bill?"

I didn't expect her to be deprived of a living. But she needed to know that she couldn't count on my support. Which was a big deal for both of us.

I am not aware of any politician that have built a career on hate?! We have laws in this country to prevent such a thing. They are entitled to their own principles and vision which may or may not chime with yours.

Wow you are incredibly arrogant and no loss to anyone.

She ‘needed to know’ she couldn’t count on your support or friendship any longer for having the audacity to accept a job offer? I am assuming she was not dripping in offers otherwise she would have chosen something else.

I am amazed you were friends in the first place if she has such poor principles and is mercenary according to you.

I would find a friend with your attitude insufferable, suffocating and stifling - and myopic and judgy as hell. I notice you didn’t address my earlier points about lawyers, medics etc.

@Lastchancechica it’s not arrogant to have boundaries. Curlew didn’t tell her friend she couldn’t take the job, that would have been arrogant.

I don’t associate with racists, ableists, etc, If someone doesn’t want to associate with a capitalist that targets particular races for cigarette addiction, that’s absolutely their choice.

It’s not about boundaries, at all, it is all about being judgmental.

The problem you have is that unless a racist is educated to know the harm they cause, then how on earth will anything improve. Shutting down debate is not the answer.

I highly recommend you diversify your news sources and widen your social circle if you genuinely think that is the case.

Who is it then? Name a politician that spreads hate? I genuinely don’t know of one in this country.

Unfortunately that’s making it the responsibility of the anti-racist or recipient of racist to educate.

It’s extremely inhibiting being around racists.

We are not talking about racists. You are derailing.
We are talking about simply accepting a job! Not becoming a paid up member of the BNP or NF. If they are still operating

Well then, I further suggest you broaden your knowledge.

You and many others are clearly very happy in your little bubbles where ignorance and apathy parades as tolerance.

A real friend would wish you the best and agree not to talk about politics when you get together.

@Lastchancechica "She ‘needed to know’ she couldn’t count on your support or friendship any longer for having the audacity to accept a job offer? I am assuming she was not dripping in offers otherwise she would have chosen something else."

Nope. She was head hunted from another almost equally well paid job. And yes, she did need to know. Because we depended on each other a lot, and we were a great loss to each other.

Only a total airhead would think ‘politics’ were some minor issue that could simply be omitted from a friendship, like a bad new haircut.

@Lastchancechica "I notice you didn’t address my earlier points about lawyers, medics etc."

Happy to. Our legal system depends on the principle of being innocent until proven guilty and everyone having the right to have their case put to a jury of their peers. Their lawyer's job is to represent their case to the best of their ability. A medic's job is to mend people, not to support them in whatever behaviour has caused them to be broken. HTH.

I don’t think it’s a great loss to your friend, I have no doubt she has reasons you are unaware of.

My mixed race friend MARRIED a racist, they remained married for 16 years. Did I dump her for poor judgment? No. I stood by her, limiting my exposure to him. I cared enough to support her even in her bad decisions. Because people make poor decisions and choices all of the time, and sometimes there are real reasons that you or I can not fathom. We celebrated her divorce and the consequent counselling she received to address why she has chosen him of all people to have children with.

We rarely have all of the facts. So judging from above sometimes means you miss the underlying reasons. Sometimes our friends do things that puzzle us, but we are not perfect either! Unless you think you are??

Completely depends of the person you will be working with.

If it is Farage or Johnson I would completely understand your friend's point of view.

Also I think you might find it difficult to work closely with someone who has views completely opposite to yours.

Because there is also always the possibility that they could do or say something really offensive/extreme in the future and you would be associated with them whether you want it or not.

I worked briefly with Boris Johnson when he was running for Mayor of London on a specific project, I would not touch him with a barge pole now after seeing the mess he made as PM...

My friends and I have open minds. Thank god I don’t know anyone like this in real life. What a turn off.

Do you give potential friends a shopping list of rules and regulations before you embark on any socialising or do they learn half way through the friendship how rigid and judgmental you are?