Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry about your experience, OP! And I'm glad you had some supportive and thoughtful responses after the usual choir of soulless shit-stirrers. Ignore them - some people have no empathy and imagination and would never understand what it's like to have been brought up in a dysfunctional family.

I won't expand on whatever has been already said about your DF's rough behaviour with your toddler, and your DM's pretty classic DARVO behaviour. Just read up on generational trauma and cycle breakers. It may resonate.

I am just here to add one thing - that all this talk on how you should hold your shit together and don't ever get upset or - God forbid! - cry in front of your child is total utter BS.

It's completely healthy to express big emotions, even anger, in front of your child. The key here is to model to that child how you then come down from these big emotions. This shows them that THEIR big emotions are not something scary, bad, or something to repress and be ashamed of.

When you calm down take a moment to explain to your child, in age appropriate terms, that you got upset and didn't behave as calmly as you would like, and that it happens sometimes.
And remember - all emotions, including anger - have something to tell you.

I'm not quite sure how to take your response (to my earlier post) about crying your eyes out @Chocpot1986. Have I missed the mark completely and you felt sorry for me (thankfully with all the help I've had I'm doing ok but it has been very hard) or did you identify with some of what I said?

I'm sorry some posters are being unpleasant, AIBU can be very brutal. If you're finding it too much perhaps ask to have the thread moved to Relationships.

It’s good you were open enough and big enough to reflect and change your mind. There’s not enough of this on mumsnet, too much digging heals in and justification.
Just wanted to say well done, but in a non patronising way I don’t have the words for!

Firstly, please don’t let your father look after your child again if he really is a violent man. I can’t work out if he is or not but you must know.

Personally, I’m not a fan of permissive parenting so I’d have let my son have one quick game of say, five minutes duration since the game was out and it was too late to do anything about it, then I’d have told him it was time to go home. If he refused to have his shoes put on I’d have carried him out to the car without them.

You and your family seem to have somewhat black and white thinking with everyone certain that they are totally right. Compromise is the best way forward when everyone has a different opinion on child care but it’s down to you to make the first move if you want your parents to look after your son again.

You must also talk about your ideas regarding child care with your parents, out of your son’s earshot, because it’s only fair to them to understand your rules and decide whether they can implement them or not. Like I said, violence is completely out of the question towards children but I’m not a fan of allowing children to rule the roost. Just like dogs and horses, children are looking for a “leader” and that needs to be their parent/main caregiver. If they can’t trust them not to shout/cry/lose control of their emotions, then the child will become insecure and end up with problems further down the line in my opinion.

Oh no sorry, I really identified with what you said. I should of explained myself! Was at work and rushing my apologies x

Was a tantrum which is normal 3YO behaviour. Parents deal with things differently, even if your approach is different to mine, doesn’t make it wrong and that you’re doing ‘nothing’.

No it doesn’t help. Sarcastic person.

Thanks, don't apologise! After I posted I thought it might be a bit brutal so sorry from me if it was. But often here I read a post and I get this sense that it's a similar situation to mine. Far too many of us in this position but it does mean there is support available.

Before taking any action I'd suggest you think carefully about the things that have been said today, perhaps don't worry too much about the critical posts from people who are lucky enough not to have grown up in a dysfunctional family.

You may find your eyes are opening up to a lot more than you expected and it can be a real body blow. I have now been cast aside by all the family on my mother's side (bar one), they didn't even ask me what happened, just decided I must be wrong. With narcissistic families, love is conditional - you're in or you're OUT. It's a high price for peace, but worth it although I didn't realise it at the time as I was so traumatised. I knew this happened in narcissistic families but didn't think mine was that bad. Now I know it's far worse than I'd ever have guessed!

Unfortunately when you lose control and can't handle your own kids others have to step in

It was a stressful situation. You ALL over-reacted. You need to have a talk and then move on.

There is very little more stressful than a sobbing 3 year old. Every adult in that room who loves him would probably have been wound very tightly, all of you wanted to make it stop, all different ways of going about it.
As the parent, you get to say how your child is handled, no question. But this is something to establish the ground rules for in a calm conversation. In the moment everyone lost the run of themselves a little.
If you want to resolve this I wouldn't sit there playing apology chicken with them. Knock their door. Ask why they are upset. Tell them why you were. Tell them how things will be done differently in future (you are in charge and will handle DS) see how that goes.

Hi op, having skimmed through the whole thread obviously your Dad was unacceptably rough and you were right to put a stop to that. It sounds like you love your parents but are starting to question their behaviours more now you are a parent. This is one of those moments where you get to draw the line in the sand. This is your son and if they want to be part of your lives they need to do things your way from now on. They no longer get to guilt or manipulate you to their will. I had a similar situation years ago when I first became a parent. I decided that I still wanted the family member in question in my life but I made it clear that their behaviour wasn't going to be ok. If you do contact them I would recommend jotting down the key points you want to get across to them first so you can stick to the facts and not get dragged into their emotional reactions. So for example 1) You didn't mean to raise your voice but you will not tolerate swearing, physical discipline like pulling, smacking or pushing with your ds 2) If he is having a tantrum it is probably best that they let you deal with it moving forward. 3) How you're parenting your ds is different because parenting advice has changed. If they get defensive or want to talk about 'what was wrong with their parenting' then be calm and let them know.

If you haven’t contacted them and they haven’t contacted you then you’re both as bad as each other. Take your child and go and visit or it will fester. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to have a relationship with your parents and his grandparents.

Generational trauma being passed down here. You seem to be the only one trying to recognise that and change it. I challenge anyone that has been raised in a household of dysfunction at times, to not react when the person that should want to protect their grandchild is the one descending in to a tantrum, swearing and ragging him about by his arm…at the age of 3! Completely and utterly unacceptable and then you were gaslit in to a frenzied response to the situation. Yes it was over fraught and everyone had a part to play. It’s a learning experience, that’s for sure. I don’t think you did anything wrong in the moment and now you’ve reflected of course with hindsight you see where you could have dealt with the situation differently. Your parents are responsible for their reactions also. None of how they reacted is anything to do with you. They just didn’t want to take full responsibility for their actions. Your DF basically said, sorry not sorry! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’d leave it a bit longer tbh. Make them uncomfortable in their silence and if they still make no contact, I would then write to them to tell them how you felt and going forwards how those situations will be dealt with.

Seems like a massive overreaction on both sides. My DS is the same when it’s time to leave, your Dad ‘getting his arm and pulling him towards the sofa’ doesn’t seem that bad?? Or was he about to yank him? Or hit him? Why did you go berserk? Your Mum isn’t really at fault, she didn’t do anything wrong, neither did your Dad. By going berserk do you think you escalated a normal toddler meltdown when leaving granny and grandad? I’ve had lots of friends who have ended up giving their kids fireman’s lifts out of my house as they don’t want to leave, sometimes you have to pick them up, pull their hand in the direction of the door.

If you can see similarities come over to the stately homes thread or just have a read. I was reading for ages in there on and off and have just started posting. I have LC or NC currently with my family and I have had therapy to try to help me with my MH. ……. If your upbringing doesn’t have parallels and difficulties and is ‘more of the normal’ type then I would still suggest waiting for a few weeks. A mother sitting there crying like that would suggest otherwise to me but obviously we can only all read between the lines based upon our own life’s 💐.

IM not going to say you’re being unreasonable.. parents clash with their children and grandchildren can be a handful for us … even at the best of times
life is too short … truly 🙏 it’s pigging stressful for all when the children have their strong emotions and get in a state … it’s done and dusted … get moving forward .. we all have moments .. I promise you .. it’s not big deal .. but I’m of judging you … you are all human … simple as that and it’s not worth falling out over … take it from someone who knows … life is precious with our parents and their life is precious with you all too ..children are a true blessing but they can be challenging too .. 🤗 go see your mum and dad … give them a cuddle … please .. you won’t ever regret it

Boundaries op. Your parents have neither that nor sense from what you say.

parents knew you were about to leave so behave like over excited kids by starting a game they know will wind the toddler up. (No sense)

Then df forgets he is not the parent and starts laying the law down with force. You react as most mothers would when watching a fully grown man rag a toddler by the wrist. If he was toddlers father you’d be getting told to do a freedom programme and LTB.(no boundaries)

Honeslty? I’d let them stew for longer. You do want to put the boundary in. I would be able to cope with the silliness but the aggressive parenting? Nope. They would be grovelling to me and learning that that behaviour is not acceptable.

Ps … it’s differnt with your own grandchildren .. one day you’ll see

I always tell my boys … you’ll see why I love their children so much one day and we can still get exasperated with them .. just not as often .. I’m always tired but happy when we’ve seen ours ..…. Still have moments with my sons where we clash … “ don’t give them chocolate they won’t eat dinner “ etc lol

I suspect they know they were in the wrong, I hope you get it sorted out. Big hugs xx

Because in many cases it really is not that simple. And in many cases the not so great parents dote on the grandchild. It’s very very complex and can take decades to work through.

You actually have been emotionally abused by both your parents throughout your life. Please look up Adult children of alcoholics and Dysfunctional families. You will hopefully find it helpful. It was unacceptable how they both behaved towards you and your son. They maybe punishing you now for standing up to them. 🌺

Your Dad was over the top when "manhandling "your son but so was your reaction. YOU should have ensured your son had his shoes on so he could walk out with your dad asis their routine. YOU should have taken the time to get him out of his melt down, he is old enough to start learning how to behave appropriately and have consideration for others. Has he not had any socialisation yet ( day nursery or preschool ,?)

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your Dad had no right to get physically abusive with your son. It is abusive. Imagine if he man handled an adult like that? A stranger would call the police. Why is it OK to treat a family member like that? And so much worse to exert power over a little child in that way. Your mother sounds like a covert narcissist. I wouldn’t go around. Maybe speak to a therapist to get a better understanding of toxic family relationships and narcissism. I think your mother is more of an issue than you might think

What does your partner think? He will know all of you well, personalities etc and be able to give his opinion on the incident?