Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

I dont why you are getting such a hard time from posters. it soulds like you dont want your son to experience the same fear of your father that you did and your father has now shown he is capable of doing what he did to you to your son. I would be upset too.

I think it’s hard when people are exposed to things for years, I think you get used to it and see it as normal? It’s complicated

I mean it sounds like a lot of faffing over the toddler. A tantrum about leaving I wouldn’t have even bothered trying to put on the shoes I’d of just carried him out to the car and strapped him in.

No child should be yanked/pulled/grabbed by their arm so that it lifts them off the floor unless your stopping them run out in front of a car or such.

Your mum sounds like an over emotional possibly manipulative person. Either she crys because the whole situation is too much for her or it’s because she wants to turn in onto her.

Overall the air needs clearing and I’d say in future for any tantrum just leave wherever you are without faffing as that just gives more air time to his tantrum than actually just leaving which is what his tantrum is about.

Christ
3year old has a meltdown and everyone ends up crying or resorting to violence

Thank you, I am quite shocked at some people. Like another poster said if I had posted and said I did that to my son people would be up in arms! People are ridiculing me for being upset, well it is emotive isn’t it? Hard to act so rational in certain situations. These keyboard warriors can though.

Yeah wasn’t quite as simple as that!

Of course a 3 year old has a tantrum when pulled away from the fun game Nanny bring out at leaving time! Sounds like you were trying to deal with the tantrum…..as would any Mum…. When Your parents interfered and undermined you. Your Father was obviously in the wrong for grabbing your child.

Forget about the ridiculous posts being ridiculously critical and let’s consider next steps.

Do I think you should apologise? Absolutely not. Your Father was completely in the wrong. Your Mother definitely contributed to the situation. Personally I would do one of two things. Send a message making it clear that you do expect to be undermined whist dealing with your own child’s tantrum and it’s forbidden for either parent to ever grab your son. Or wait for them to contact you and tell them the above. It’s important to be clear about what you expect from them regarding their behaviour with your son. Your Mothers tears are her own problem and I wouldn’t give them a second thought. They feel manipulative to me.

I think your right to be upset….I would be! Don’t sweep this under a rug. Time for a firm chat imo

Agreed.

@Chocpot1986 my mum is the same, she won’t usually be on ‘my side’ even when my dad has clearly caused an argument. I agree it’s hard reading some replies on here as it’s really not as simple as you losing your cool and therefore being in the wrong! I totally get it. I am massively triggered by things from my childhood and raised voices or mildly rough handling of my child and I really lose it. I do think for your own well-being it would be best to clear the air by a text etc, but I am massively projecting so don’t necessarily take my advice! It’s just what gets me through. I spend most time with my family on neutral ground which is really helpful as we can leave easier etc. I really do love my parents so that’s why it is complicated, and I sense that you feel the same way from your OP. They clearly mean well as they wanted to play a game with your son, it’s just a shame that there’s almost an immaturity to the entire scenario… very similar to my family. In fact if it weren’t for a couple of details in your OP, I would have thought for a moment you were a sibling of mine!

Life is too short, get in touch with them. Personally, I’d have got my dc out of there as soon as he started getting upset, shoes or no shoes, game or no game, walking to the car routine or no walking to the car routine. Just leave next time, straight away. It sounds as though everyone was tired and everyone needed a nap.

But also do make it clear when things have calmed down a bit to your parents no pulling or manhandling. He’s your dc and they should respect that.

Nope. Not in the wrong at all. Sounds like you have a good healthy relationship with your parents but for your mum to get upset and like you said, not take accountability in arguments, never let that get in the way of how you want to raise your children.

Probably not a helpful answer from me as I am currently childfree, but DH and I have started the steps to trying for a family and have had this discussion til I'm blue in the face, no one is laying a hand on my child like that. My mum and dad's marriage had problems because she never stopped him bullying us. She was too scared of him. I don't blame her one bit, and he's acknowledged his behaviour years later and we're OK. But the thought of anyone disciplining my child like that makes me cry. I know what's best for my children. Yes I'll have to deal with more tantrums if I'm not gonna discipline them "properly" but I'm prepared to deal with that. We will parent our kids in OUR OWN WAY and find the way to deal with situations where children are being stubborn.

I'm glad your dad apologised. Maybe you could try and have a sit down with them at some point when things calm down, explain that everyone needs to take a breather and explain that will not happen again. Once everyone has calmed down just say how you want things to be. If that's met with resistance, not much more you can do except keep your distance til they come round to your way of doing things. Good luck xx

Maybe you need to simply take control and leave when he has a tantrum. Sounds a bit like it was dragged out. They may have felt they needed to try and help or intervene. Maybe you need to just draw a line under it and think about what you need to do differently next time.

To those saying I dragged it out and there was a lot of faffing…

When I had to go upstairs as I heard DS shouting etc when I came into the room DS was standing in front of my DF who was sat on the bed with his back to me (DS was playing shops in my mum and dads bedroom) when I walked in the room my DS came to me crying but it wasn’t a tantrum cry he was clearly upset by something which is why I put him on my knee and tried to calm him down. Looking back before I entered the room I think my DF said something to DS and when he saw me he cried. So then I moved DS downstairs to get shoes and go. My DF had the shoes and wanted to put them on because I think he felt bad or somehow wanted to placate the situation? Obviously DS didn’t want my DF near him so started crying further then the grab happened.

On top of this it all happened quickly. I wasn’t ‘faffing’ or pandering to him for like half an hour it all happened in quick time

It can be difficult when GPS try to take over. We’ve had to deal with this once or twice.DH actually put his hand up to warn MIL to back off when she tried to discipline DS when we were holiday. I’d made it clear that I expected him to step up as I’d been left to fend off similar the day before.

To be honest, I’d wait longer before I spoke to them because I’d still be very upset. Might be safer in a couple of weeks.

I'd worry what happens when your not there.

NC

Translation -

I will not pay any attention to any constructive criticism that may actually help prevent this scenario from happening again and for which I am partially responsible but refuse to accept any blame.

You all sound dramatic.

Op going berserk and then crying, mum crying, dad getting angry… all over naff all.

You should all take a look at yourselves and grow up.

@Poppy297 speaks good sense.

You can't control your parents' behaviour. However, you can set firm, clear boundaries, and act appropriately if those boundaries are transgressed, such as calmly leaving, while remaining polite.

No point raking over this incident much more. Think about the future, and what you will do differently. If one person can consistently change for the better, sometimes (by no means always!) the others in the family dynamic respond differently as well.

I do understand as I have given an example of somewhat similar, but I went the other way. I went through years of hurt and came to the conclusion that I would like them in my life in a way that didn't cause me further upset, but if that couldn't be done I was prepared to walk.

My parents are difficult, and I have methods of managing them and their behaviour. They idolise their grandchild now while they still largely do as they're told, but they like things their way. My relationship got worse with them as I got older as they couldn't stand me having my own thoughts and opinions. I'm ready to step in and be firm about it if they start behaving similarly as kids get older. First sign of a guilt trip, manipulation, shouting, manhandling the kids are out of there. They tried the whole guilt trip thing about babies first christmas, I picked up baby, walked out the door. Zero tolerance. We get on better now after a rockier start because I defined those boundaries well and early. They know if they do it they don't see the grandkids, and they are absolutely capable of controlling themselves so they do.

I was sick of feeling on edge around them, and even though it was hard at times, I don't regret taking a stand and holding firm.

This . Honestly the drama , all the bursting into tears . Just talk it out

All sounds a bit intense.
How often do you see them?
Make it less. And do not contact them first. They have more to lose.

I never said I refuse to accept any blame. I know I shouldn’t of lost my cool and got upset, I can fully admit I am not perfect!

Lovely empathetic person 😂😂

From personal experience, its hard when the other adults are behaving worse than a toddler. My tactic was to walk out when the theatrics start as it's never going to be a calm talk. We have to have the hysterics, the how dare I think I can talk to them like that, the how awful and unreasonable I am, going to drive them to early grave, then the getting nasty of how I'm not the child they raised, they're so disappointed in me and how I clearly don't want them in my life blah blah. And it will be started over something as simple as it being DHs family's turn to have us for Christmas.

Not been required in a while now since I've laid clear boundaries, but it used to be bloody exhausting.

No idea why you're getting torn to pieces here. You reacted to protect your son, emotion is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Knowing your parents as you do, what do you want to happen next and what are you willing to accept?

You might want an apology, but it doesn't sound like you'll get one. Equally I don't think you should apologise even though I bet that's what your parents want. They seem like they have little patience and are always right, and will use whatever methods they have to maintain status quo.

I would take a different path, don't hash it out, because you'll all only disagree and get angry and upset again. Draw a line and work on it not happening again. Put up some boundaries. And show them that you're an adult (more adult than them?) who is equal to them.

I would pop round, without any kids. Say that the other day was clearly upsetting for everyone. And you don't want to have that happen again. You're not interested in who did what wrong. You're not there to apportion blame. Say DS gets upset from time to time, but please let me handle him. Say that and make eye contact with your dad. Then silence untill he says/nods/grunts a yes.

If either of them disagrees, go back to the beginning and say it all again. Finish with "you need to let me handle him" Don't get pulled into an argument or discussion.

As soon as they agree, change the subject with a breezy "lovely, shall I put the kettle on now, I fancy a biscuit..."

If they don't agree say that your door is always open, and then leave