Huge fall out with parents involving DC - am I wrong?

[Chocpot1986]

Hi all,

Will try and keep it as brief as possible but need an outside outlook on this.

Last week was at my parents with my 3YO DS. He had a massive meltdown when it was time to go home, screaming and crying, getting himself in a state. However just before going home my Mum had got a game out to play with him so naturally he was reluctant to go when it was time. My Dad idolises my DC but doesn’t have a lot of patience when he starts to become a handful. My Dad started swearing a bit and getting annoyed which I asked him not to do. I was very calm and didn’t say much whilst my DS sat on my lap. My DS is still screaming and crying. We were upstairs at this point then moved downstairs. My Dad wanted my DS to put his shoes on so he could walk him to our car (their normal routine when we leave) but DS didn’t want to at that point. My Dad proceeded to be handsy with DS and get him by the arm and pull him towards the sofa - at which point I went berserk and told my Dad to stop it and that he will not do that to my son. Me and my DB used to get a few wallops as kids but I don’t want that for my son. My Mum entered the room and instead of defending me says “well DS shouldn’t be behaving like this”. My Dad did apologise straight away but I was too livid to acknowledge it because he then tells me “you’re too soft”. My Mum is sitting on the sofa trying to comfort my son, starts to cry telling me I have upset her. This made me burst into tears and get very cross whilst asking her what on earth have I done? and we then left the house whilst my DC is sobbing and so am I. My Mum does have a tendency to be a cow at times but still blame the other person. More than once in an argument she is wrong but can’t acknowledge it.

Anyway fast forward a week and I have heard absolutely nothing from them. No message, phone call, knock on the door nothing. Radio silence and it has completely hurt me. I can’t comprehend how you could see your child so upset, know you are the cause and not give it a day, then get in touch? They have both always said if there were a falling out between us they would sort it out, come knock on the door blah blah but yet….zilch.

Generally they are good parents. Had our ups and downs over the years and have butted heads more than once but had a good upbringing overall and a good enough relationship with them now.

What do I do? Continue to leave it or is life too short for this and get in touch with them? I just feel I am not in the wrong here and for once I don’t want to back down from what I am feeling.

Please no nasty replies.
Thanks for reading.

No totally agree. He hasn’t moved with the times and how he handled me and DB is one thing but that’s not his son - it’s mine so yes I will pull you up for that. I don’t want that done to him I handle things differently, doesn’t mean I am soft etc.

She is manipulative honestly. This is not even the tip of the iceberg!! Thank you for making me feel a bit better

I think she was just trying to please my son and was giving into him. But knowing we were shortly about to go home was foolish of her. She should of said no, as I would of if I had seen her start this game. I only knew they had started playing because I heard him kicking off upstairs so had to go up and intervene.

No she doesn’t do it often per say, stupid mistake on her part

Reminds me of a time my parents didn't put toddler down for their nap because they 'didn't want to waste their precious little time with them' and fed them a load of crap. When I turned up they were of course behaving like an absolute demon, which they wanted me to punish.

Told them straight the behaviour was 100% their fault and that toddler was behaving entirely as expected given their actions. I would not be punishing them or allowing them to do so - how very disrespectful of me and do I not remember how THEY managed to raise their kids and they know what they're doing etc etc. They were very pissed and there was a solid month of no contact before they apologised but didn't do it again!

Your mum shouldn't have gotten a game out knowing you were leaving, your dad should not have manhandled your child.

Thank you. That is exactly how it is. And instead of my Mum acknowledging her fault in it (getting the game out) she sits there crying playing the victim. Wtf. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry at her but because I have had this performance all my life I just lost my shit at her.

I responded to your initial post. Having read more detail I suggest that you wait until they get in touch with you and then have a serious conversation, without your son present, about not being physical with your child and leaving managing his behaviour to you. I would be concerned about leaving him with your Dad as what you described in later posts is more serious than your initial post suggested.

The best advice I can give you is not to Raise Your Voice when talking about something important to you, something about which you feel strongly. IME the other person codes that as SHOUTING (especially if it's a man or parent your talking to). Then they shout back, and before you know it you're having a row.

Speaking at a different volume, while still feeling the same emotion, is bloody hard to change though, if that's what comes naturally to you.

This has caused me problems all my life (am old) but gradually I'm getting better at finding a volume that is acceptable to the person I'm talking to.

Op please ignore the spiteful, nasty comments. I can promise you if someone posted saying that they grabbed their toddler and dragged them off the ground to put their shoes on they would be lynched. But people love to be contrary and stick the boot in as you've seen here.

Fwiw families can be very complex and what some people could brush under the carpet, others might struggle to get over. You're not overly dramatic. You're reacting to a situation within your own families dynamic. You know your dad can be scary and hot headed and that your mum has potential to be mean. That will have shaped your reaction and your feelings about it now.

How to move forward is down to you. I doubt you'll get an apology so if you're holding out for that then you might be disappointed. But if you think life is too short and you want to move on I'd just drop in and be easy breezy about it all.

Yanbu to feel shitty about it all and I'm sorry that you've had such ridiculous responses.

OP, just get on with your life.

Maybe they won't come to you.

Maybe they will. If they do, set your boundaries and stick to them.

Once things have returned to normal, next time perhaps begin the leaving strategy by giving a 5 minute warning to DS, and making sure DM hears it too . Sometimes when your doing something you love, like playing with your GS, you just forget what the time is.

Ahh you sound like a lovely person, thank you for that. I agree some people on here are completely insane but then nice people like yoi pop up xx

@Chocpot1986 this scenario and the background you’ve given sounds so similar to the dynamics I have with my parents. The crying over the game thing and physical stuff as kids.

I’m so sorry. I don’t have advice because in those situations I absolutely crumble, it affects me for ages, I can’t sleep, I worry, and like you’ve done I’ve posted on here before. Some posters aren’t getting it as they’ve not experienced it. I am unable to fully separate myself from them and I don’t actually want to… like you say, my dad also idolises our kids, they both do, so it’s complicated. I also know my parents aren’t bad people, they’re just very difficult at times. I would probably send a text to clear the air as I have animosity and wouldn’t want an ongoing fall out… though I say that as someone who has resigned myself to the fact that my parents will never give me a genuine apology in situations like that and i have learned to live with it. That makes me sound like a saint, I’m not, I argue back etc but ultimately I back down. I’m so sorry it happened, I really do know how awful it is.

Aw honestly I am really sorry that happened to you too. Like you say we can completely relate to one another! Others on here have no idea. Often we react to situations based on our past experiences and thoughts and feelings. It’s so hard to remain rational at all times isn’t it. Similarly to you my parents are good people
despite their issues. That does make it so hard because I feel like I forgive their behaviour sometimes but actually it’s so wrong and narcissistic. I am someone who is a lover not a fighter but honestly after years of it I am sick to back teeth x

This thread has actually opened up my mind to my Mother’s behaviour. She has an extremely difficult relationship with her Mother and although believes she is nothing like her, I sadly don’t see that as the truth now. My Mum isn’t scared of my Dad as some people have
said, they can both we awful equally tbh. But my Mum picks and chooses, she will moan about my Dad to the hilt and say awful things about him (some of which I appreciate, he isn’t a saint) but then in situations like that will go against me instead of saying no, that is wrong pack it in, she starts crying and acting the victim and would rather fall out with me not my Dad who did wrong.

Your parents were worse than "not perfect", OP, but the issue at this point is that they haven't learned and now they're trying to do the same to your son.

It's up to you if you want a relationship with them and on what terms, but your son hasn't got that choice and you need to protect him. I'd make it clear they will absolutely not be touching him if they want to see him (don't make him hug them either if he doesn't want to) and I wouldn't leave them unattended with him either.

Oh jeez that sounds like a horrible situation. Dealing with a three year old having a tantrum is so difficult as they just don't have any logic and when it happens in fro t of people it's even worse

I had a similar upbringing with my father and would be beyond furious and upset if he had handled DS like your father did, he was out of order and I completely understand why it was triggering for you

Be clear with your boundaries for your parents with your DS, if they don't like it then they don't get to see him, speak to them when he isn't there

It might also help to have some counselling for yourself, these childhood experiences are often still deeply buried in adulthood and can't still have an impact on us

I don't agree. Your F started getting angry at your 3 year old son for being upset. You got upset with your dad when he was physically rough to your son.
Your mum further blamed your son for being upset for your dad's actions.

Why you need to apologise? For standing up for your son? Or for not being perfect as you got emotional?

It’s all a bit over dramatic. Just get in touch & move on. Life’s too short & no-one’s perfect.

Literally NOBODY in this situation has behaved well, have they?
Time to clear the air, agree on some ground rules with your parents so you're all on the same page, and sort out your child's bad behaviour.

Honestly judging by some people reactions on here shedding a tear makes me a big bad bitch lol. I like your comment it makes me feel a more reassured.

If they're as awful and abusive as op has said in the updates, why on earth would you expose your child to this and not go NC from here!

Don’t fall into the trap of making her accountable for his actions. He didn’t behave well and neither did she. She can’t take responsibility for her own feelings and behaviours so has to have someone else to either blame or support depending. The way she swung into defending your dad is manipulative but also makes me think she’s more afraid of displeasing him than you perhaps?

Lovely, nice to see you have the impulsiveness, knee-jerk manners of a precocious three year old. Apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree. I hope you don't use words like stupid around your son.

The only comment that made sense in this thread. Honestly OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you and to your child. Please take care of yourself and continue to stand up for your child (and when you can, for yourself!). The people who say your fathers actions were no big deal are ridiculous, I know you said “beserk” was the wrong word but fuck me if I would go beserk if someone treated my son like that!
Be kind to yourself and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for not wanting your child to be treated like garbage.

Ooo you just sound awful there I’m afraid. Sort out his bad behaviour you said, that’s not very nice is it? he is just 3, they tantrum at times! Doesn’t make any child ‘bad’.