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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

254 replies

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:16

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

OP posts:
MeMySonAnd1 · 21/09/2023 13:21

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 12:59

I just want to thank you all for the time you've taken to offer such valuable advice and support. It really is what I needed to hear and it has cemented what I need to. If I am well enough in October, I will travel but after that it won't happen again. I will be closing the door on this part of my life.

My life has not been easy and I've had to battle for even the slightest thing but I have the most amazing partner. He's supported me through the most awful times and lifted me up when I needed it. He's sacrificed a lot because of my disability but he asks for nothing. We also have an amazing little boy and we take delight in being around him. The money won't reduce the severity of my disability but it will offer some comfort, stability and hopefully some peace.

I think your words of support and encouragement will stay with me forever. Thank you.

Honestly, you don’t even owe them a “one last time”, it will only add to your guilt, dissolve your resolve and take you back to square one… with less money.

Bite the bullet and start disappearing from their horizon little by little, no need to go away with a “boom” which will only hurt you, not them, further.

BananaPyjamaLlama · 21/09/2023 15:05

I would consider going NC tbh. They sound hideous.

Ýsette · 21/09/2023 15:06

she won't call me. I have to call her....well that makes it easier! Tell them your settlement just about covered the mortgage with a little bit over. If they keep asking, say "what do you want to know for?"

BeverlyBrook · 21/09/2023 21:08

I don't think you 'need' to do another visit.
Why do you?

Dont phone and don't visit

Nanaof1 · 22/09/2023 10:35

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:22

This case has taken nearly seven year to settle. They know about the case and I had said earlier this year that it should be coming to an end soon.

IF they ask, just say, yes, it's done. ANY other questions and the reply is, "It's not your business. Don't ask again." Repeat that mantra until you have it memorized and second nature.

You owe them NOTHING! Don't be a martyr or think they will change because you give them something. They won't.

MustGetOutofBed · 22/09/2023 11:09

I'd lie and say it didn't go your way and you got nowt.

Nanaof1 · 22/09/2023 11:15

Passepartoute · 21/09/2023 08:51

I had earmarked a certain amount for family members but instead I will donate it to a couple of local charities and community gardens that my little boy enjoys. It will be much better spent there and it will help to ensure that others can continue to benefit. Despite my pain and other issues, I feel like I can actually start living.

Can I suggest you get financial advice before you do this? Much as I want worthwhile charities to benefit, that money has been carefully calculated as compensation for you, to cover what you will need for the rest of your life, and I know damages are never over-generous even if this does seem like a big sum now. Think about the fact that in future you may be less mobile than you are now, for instance. I suspect you will need every penny in the coming years.

This! The sum was reached because they figured an amount that would help YOU live the best life you can with what you have to deal with. Though giving to charity is always nice, the people you really need to take care of are in your little tribe of three. A trust would be smart for your DS. Then, perhaps he can go to university without as much debt. Also, as you age, you WILL need more help and care, even without your disability, old age isn't for sissies!

Just remember, your tribe is a tribe of three and you owe those leeches nada, zip, nil, zilch and zero.

I do have one question, is RTA a train? Bus? Taxi? Sorry, not sure what it means in the UK. On this side of the pond, it can be a metro, rapid transit or a bus.

MustGetOutofBed · 22/09/2023 11:50

@Nanaof1 RTA in this instance I would imagine is a Road Traffic Accident - so OP was probably knocked down / crashed into. Hope you're OK @Noopnoop - agree with PP that the amount you've been given has been carefully calculated to cover your likely expenses for life as a result of the accident, insurance companies don't give out a penny more than they have to.

Passepartoute · 22/09/2023 14:21

Seriously, why go in October? You know they'll spend the entire time trying to bully you to give them money. You can arrange to meet the other family member somewhere else, surely?

Usernot64207 · 22/09/2023 18:34

Honestly they don’t need to know, lie and say it has been dragged on etc, eventually if they keep hassling just lie about how much you get that it wasn’t as much as expected or something, etc. they need not know, it is absolutely none of their business and it is your money, not theirs.

Harleyband · 22/09/2023 18:35

It's very important that you tell no-one other than your partner exactly what you received. No-one. Practice saying "It wasn't what we expected" when asked and absolutely not elaborating further. The family is likely to try to find out through third parties so, again, tell no-one anything.

Lastchancechica · 22/09/2023 18:45

Go very low contact. Use the money to gain independence from these users.

I would simply say ‘It was nowhere the amount we need to cover my medical costs and adaptions for life. I am not prepared to even speak about this subject again I find it too upsetting’

On Repeat.

Lastchancechica · 22/09/2023 18:45

Why do you continue to see these rancid people?

kthnxbai · 22/09/2023 19:07

Choice is between stand up to them or fib.
Personally, I'd stand up to them to put a stop to further terrible treatment and if they persist, cut them off. There's a limit.

You may find it easier to fib: case came to nothing, lawyer's bill was higher than the settlement, etc.

nomadmummy · 22/09/2023 19:24

I was adopted and found some of my birth family. One side of my birthfamily is not white, the other is. My adoptive family was white, abusive, and horrid. I was on my own from teen years. But on several occassions finding birth relatives on the non-white, while having much closer family growing up they've made the assumption I've got money. I've been asked blatantly for hand outs. In 2017 I got a message from a sibling I did not know saying that my birthmom had died. I'm not sure how they had my email! A few days later I got an email asking me to sign a document to hasten the processing of he will. There were no assets. That sibling kept sending me info about their job and hints. Just before covid hit there was a public announcement that people who had been adopted like me would receive a payout. Just after covid started that sibling sent a message that had a picture of scan and just said 'bébé'. I ignored it. I knew what was coming. You know what, I never received another email. So I explain to say I can relate. Sometimes you have to just put your foot down and you'll soon find out if they really care about YOU or not.

GentianCoffee · 22/09/2023 19:25

Remember that damages for personal injuries aren't a windfall, they're only meant to put you back in the same position as before the accident.

MustWeDoThis · 22/09/2023 19:38

Noopnoop · 21/09/2023 04:16

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

Why do they need to know? They might want to know, but they don't -need- to know. You owe them nothing. It is up to you how much of your private information you share with them.

Also, you own several rental properties and are coming into a lot of money - One of you could learn to drive and get a mobility car on PIP/buy one and have it adapted for your disability (I hope you have claimed this. It's not a means tested benefit. You are entitled to it.).

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/09/2023 20:42

CherryMaDeara · 21/09/2023 04:28

I would just lie. They don’t need or deserve the truth.

Take whatever amount is left on your mortgage and say that you paid that and some debts off. Don’t give them a penny.

You have a disability and are in constant pain. Now is the time to pull back and drop the rope. Tell DGM she has to rely on your siblings from now on.

Better yet, move away to a new, sunny country and start a new life.

I wish you all the best Flowers

This 100%, That money is to help with loss of income, medical bills and to make your life more comfortable, to pay for things that you can no longer do and pay off the expenses you incurred in the last 7 years, all of this will have been taken into account in the award.
Its not a lottery win. Its there to compensate you for the pain and distress and expense.
Its not intended to be a handout for your thankless relatives.

Don't discuss it with them. Tell them most of it went in repaying the lawyers fees and you've had to pay off massive debts. End of.
If they treat you like that after a painful train journey to see them, I really wouldn't bother in future.
You owe it to the partner who has cared for you and your DC to keep this payment to benefit them in future. An award after all this time shouldn't be an occasion for more stress. It should be a relief that your life will be easier.

Reigateforever · 22/09/2023 21:13

After the legal fees have been paid, the money you are being given is to cover you, for the rest of your life and not to give away to anyone else, family or charity. You are in constant pain, it was slight in the beginning but now your partner has had to stop working to be your carer and he will need help in the future looking after you. Your living space may need to become larger, have hoists, lifts, wet room and new transportation every few years.
You do not know what the future holds for you and your son therefore future proof your life.
Good luck.

Dibbydoos · 23/09/2023 06:14

You, your DP and DC don't need toxic people in your life. Why do you keep going back to get burned?
Stop communication, be done with it. They add no value to your lives. Use the money for its intended purpose, to provide for you living with your disability.

Well done for starting the business btw!

RedHelenB · 23/09/2023 06:40

Mistressanne · 21/09/2023 08:04

I remember a work colleague whose dgd, 3, was getting a few thousand as a result of some minor medical injury. She was excitedly telling us of the holiday her dd was planning for the whole extended family. Not a thought about putting the money away for the dc in future.
People are appalling.

Compensation for minors can't be touched until they're 18. Her dd might have been in for a shock.

Peachee · 23/09/2023 06:47

What right do they have to even know your business! None!! It’s time to start putting some boundaries up, they won’t die without you they will just leach off someone else. Don’t make them your business anymore and don’t let your business be theirs either. Honestly, focus on you and the positive changes you’re making. It sounds like if you don’t you’ll be back down the slippery slope of toxicity and co dependency. The buck stops with you. You need to be strong and rope in the support of the loving people in your life. Don’t let them do any more to you now. You’ve done enough, in fact too much. You’re enabling them.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/09/2023 06:50

best option would be o go no contact

she does not appear to add anything positive to your life

Missflowers1981 · 23/09/2023 07:19

If you know they are like this regarding money why would you tell them anything? They have shown they are only interested in one thing from you - so the best thing thing to do is to reveal nothing about your personal life and finances if you insist on having a relationship with them. They will only use it against you.
Sone people can get quite possessive over other peoples money and feel they are entitled to it. For that reason I would never tell anyone if I came into a large sum of money or won the lottery!

Greenshed · 23/09/2023 09:24

Stop telling them personal information. The compensation is your affair - nothing to do with them. Why do you maintain contact with people who drain you emotionally and financially? If they ask again, be blunt and tell them to mind their own business - but really, why give them the opportunity to ask, just stay away, change your phone no, etc.

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