AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

[Noopnoop]

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

I'm really not a fan of the lying strategy in situations like this. The danger is that they will keep probing and find holes in the stories you've fabricated. Then, because you are naturally emotionally exploitable by them, you will be very much on the back foot and you will cave. Find your inner strength. People who use and abuse you are not owed anything. Don't ever volunteer how much compensation you've received. If they ask, politely tell them it's a personal matter and you intend to keep it like that. If they continue to ask, tell them much less politely that it's none of their damn business.

Make October's visit the last one, 'enjoy' the awfulness of it while telling yourself you never have to do this again. The hotel stay is a brilliant idea so you're independent and can leave when you're ready. Thereafter, limit contact to sending birthday and xmas cards, that's only so if they want to keep in contact, they can reciprocate.

As far as the money goes, tell them - only if asked outright - that the lawyers have reached an agreement and will be administering a trust which will pay your medical bills and rehab treatment during your lifetime. If they ask about lump sums, tell them it's all in the trust and any residue from the trust goes to your son after your death.

Then go home with big sigh of relief and a clear conscience, and don't contact them again. When nice relative contacts you, get them to visit your town - no more visits to toxic family.

Good luck OP, sorry for your disability, now it' time to make the most of your life as a threesome with DS and DP.

I’m not sure I really understand this. How you avoid telling them is by just not telling them.

it’s literally none of their business. Just don’t say anything. If they ask, reminded them, not their business.

easy.

Don't give them a generous gift. If you got £1k then you'd need it for yourself. Giving some away would kind of hint that there's more.

I had earmarked a certain amount for family members but instead I will donate it to a couple of local charities and community gardens that my little boy enjoys. It will be much better spent there and it will help to ensure that others can continue to benefit. Despite my pain and other issues, I feel like I can actually start living.

Can I suggest you get financial advice before you do this? Much as I want worthwhile charities to benefit, that money has been carefully calculated as compensation for you, to cover what you will need for the rest of your life, and I know damages are never over-generous even if this does seem like a big sum now. Think about the fact that in future you may be less mobile than you are now, for instance. I suspect you will need every penny in the coming years.

I hate recommending NC but your relatives sound toxic. If you can cut the ties, you might feel so much better. Then you can focus on your real family (DP and child) and your business and look forward not back.
I'm sorry you've had so much to face in your life and the way you've overcome things is awesome :)

Op, this is not rocket science but easy to forget:

Getting compensation money is not the same as winning the lottery.

The lottery is a bonus, compensation money is not: it replaces income you WILL NOT be making in years to come, don’t forget that, it is not a windfall, it is your salary of years handed in a single payment.

Give away money to charity and family when you win the lottery, do not give away the salary you need to raise your children as close as possible as if this accident had not happen.

YABU for continuing to have any contact with these people.

Also, have some stock answers ready if they ask questions, like:

GM: Has the case been settled?

You: "No, not yet"

If they find out it has...

GM: How much did you get?

You: "We've decided that it is a private matter, and will not be telling ANYONE"

GM: But we're family:

You: "Why do you want to know?"

And just keep asking "Why?" after every answer/question.

Stick to it. Don't give in. Practice with your partner. Come up with bizarre questions that they may ask and just keep practicing your answers.

I have a persistent friend and I just kept saying that we have not told anyone.

She makes little comments now and then about us not telling/trusting her and I just smile benignly and ignore.

Just say you didn't get much. Lie. Don't let them guilt you.

Just say its still not settled yet OR it was just enough to pay off our mortgage.

An ongoing Trust would keep them sniffing around for a handout. I'd shut it down permanently.

If they ask amounts, just say a small number which youve put in trust for your kids and the rest went on settling your legal bill! Make sure you dont leave any bank statements out if they pop round as the CFs might be nosy as well!

OP, please consider cutting ties with them. You are still living to their whims, and that’s clear in your comments. You are no longer that little girl, you’re a grown woman with her own family. Strengthen your boundaries and realise you do not have to be treated like this. You are worth so much more. Your finances, your anything in fact, are none of their business. You are choosing to put yourself in this situation. Please stop.

Do NOT tell them about the money. It will make your life a million times worse. It will bring out the worst in them and they will use and abuse you even more and treat you a million times worse than they already do. They are extremely toxic people. You deserve so much better and once you shake your understandable but self destructive sense of duty towards them you will be so much better off.

@Noopnoop you are a wonderful kind person. As others have said you don’t need to tell them anything you don’t want to. If they find out you’ve git the money, do tell them half thruth- we’ve paid the mortgage off/ the lawyers took so much of it/ I’ve put it in trust for my Dc and additional medical bills I’ve put it into my business etc etc and there is nothing left.

And please continue with your therapy, you can talk about all of this with a therapist.

Personally I’d never speak to them again. Honestly cut them off. I know it’s not easy, believe me. But you don’t even owe them a single breath, let alone a penny of your money.

This amount was calculated as something you NEED. And then negotiated. If you think it’s too much, you could well be wrong. Re read the judgement and the medical statement with prognosis. Work out how much it will be as income when multiplied by the annuity rate.

Dont give it away until you have lived your life and know you can cope without it. And then, why disinherit your DS? Why give anything to anyone except your DS?

I wouldn’t say anything about it at all and eventually if you are forced to say anything I would say ‘oh that came through ages ago thanks’ and not mention any amount. If the press just say enough to put towards my mortgage which has taken the pressure off a bit. Not left me anything else though but it’s a weight off my mind.

And for goodness sake don't donate sums to charity. I understand why you want to, but really you need to consider that your needs in future may well require that the money is essential for your well-being. I don't know, and I am not asking, but you might require an adaptation for your home, or some other item. It;s no good finding that you can't fund it because , yet again, you have thought of others. Sometimes you have to be self centred and this is one of them.

The compensation was awarded to you for an accident that has impacted and affected you - nobody else. The decision for payout wasn’t based on your family’s circumstances or how much money they do or don’t have. Therefore, no one else is entitled or has any right to have an expectation to benefit from it. The amount might be ‘life changing’ but clearly your injuries were also ‘life changing’ otherwise you wouldn’t have qualified for it.

As someone else has already said, this isn’t a lottery win, it’s a payment to ensure that as a result of the accident, you are able to have the assurance of long term financial security. Without being too pessimistic, you also don’t necessarily know what the long term impact of your injuries are so it would be wise and sensible to keep the capital safely invested in your own name.

This, absolutely! You are indeed writing as if it were a lottery win, where you, as a generous person, would be giving sums to charity and family if you felt like it. But it's not a lucky win, this is money you need to compensate for your loss of livelihood which has come about as a result of the disability you now have as a result of the accident. It isn't for you to give away, and certainly not to your CF biological family at all.

Very well said.

You've been conditioned to people please the very people who abuse you and have done for your entire life. You've had the therapy but you regress back into that role the second you're with them.

They give you nothing but stress, grief, emotional and physical pain. They are not good people who appreciate you and you leave each time again beaten down, in pain and have to gather yourself to heal which you do until the next time.

Take advantage of the physical distance from them and the fact they won't visit you and cut them off. Block them, ignore them, NC them.

They actively harm you, even if not physically now it's still emotional and medically just getting there. Enough now. You've done your bit, time to look after you and yours.(the oh and kids only)

Echoing everyone else - tge money is to ensure you can live your life despite the injuries. IE to support your needs. It isnt a windfall.

1. stop spending time with these awful people. Even if that means GM throws stuff away that can be fixed. You do t want to see her. She doesnt value you. Do not visitvagain!
2. dont tell them re: money. If they ask, tell them its not their business / its already been accounted for in meeting your needs. If they nag about it, then leave.
3. do not take anythibg that would give you access to tte money with you when you visit
4. this money is for your needs, not for you to guve away.