AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

[Noopnoop]

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

I think sometimes when you’ve been victimised it’s hard to stop feeling maybe you should try to help the person who’s made your life so much harder (even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t, mustn’t, can’t). Since you’ve always been the ‘bigger person’ in a toxic, transactional relationship, you’ve been taught that’s where your worth lies. It’s obvious you can just lie about the payout or say whatever will make them leave you be. That’ll work.

From an impartial POV, you don’t have anything to reproach yourself for. You’ve done way more than what’s right by everyone who wants to take from you and you don’t need to do any more. You didn’t win the lottery, it wasn’t good luck, it was appalling bad luck. You got the money because of something terrible that happened to you. Nobody has the right to try and make you feel guilty about using it to make your own difficult life a little easier. It’s shocking anyone would think otherwise, but some people have no shame. Just say whatever it takes to make it stop.

I hope the money does improve things, and you don’t always feel as bad as you do now.

Sounds to me like you overshare personal information with these people. If you can't simply stop doing this then you need to have some text book answers (lots of good ones mentioned on this thread) which you never deviate from.

I'd stop visiting them. You're not obliged to torture yourself physically to make others happy.

It's far from there to here as here to there.

Just say 'oh yes it's all settled. I got £2000 and we've booked a holiday with it'.

If you make any bigger purchases just say the business is doing okay but you've had to take on a lot of credit.

Decide on your figure, make sure OH is on board and say to anyone else it's too upsetting to talk about as your solicitor made a hash of it/memories from the accident.

Seriously just cut them out your life completely, I can guarantee you will be much happier.

I've not spoken to my abusive mother for over 7yrs and life is bliss

Really sorry for what you have been through, OP, and that it is now compounded by dealing with your family.

Certain family members used to ask about our finances in detail. I always found it most effective not to lie or be completely evasive but equally to never give figures - e.g. along the following lines:

"How much of your mortgage have you paid?"

"We've made some headway but there's still a fair bit left"

or

"Have you received the payout? What did you get?"

"Yes, all sorted and used for X improvement at home. Glad it's over now"

Just be vague. You can always say it’s not as much as you hoped for and just say it’s £5k or something and you’ve already spent it on a something to help make your life easier so they know the money is gone.

But if you don’t see them often I wouldn’t worry too much as by the time you next see them they may have forgotten.

But if you think they’ll be grabby about it I’d definitely put a figure on it that’s low so that they don’t be grabby. If you’re mysterious about the amount they’ll probably think it’s loads.

You don't need to tell them, and if they ask, you don't need to lie. Just say "I don't want to talk about that issue", and if they insist, tell them they're not going to see a penny anyway.

I don’t get why people keep making suggestions of what you should tell them. It’s ridiculous and it smacks of the crappy female socialisation that we tend to have that tells us that we have to pander to other people or essentially apologise or explain ourselves away just for existing. NO. Stop. This is your money as compensation to allow you to live. Don’t tell them anything. Start protecting yourself starting right now. Learn how to grey rock, if you must see them, but I would very much consider why you feel you must see them.

And for god sake don’t donate any more to charity. You are following a pattern you have yet to see - putting yourself behind others.

You know what the single best thing you could model for your child is here? Showing them that YOU matter and you’re putting your needs first. Otherwise, unfortunately regardless your intention, you’re simply showing them how to be a doormat for others to come and wipe their feet upon.

This

Well done OP on all you have achieved and I'm sorry to hear about such an awful accident causing you so much pain, especially after all the emotional pain your family have put you through.

Your GM sounds like my "mother" who is almost that age. Your sentence "As a point of principle, she won't call me. I have to call her." really stuck out to me. I had this (and sometimes when she was giving me the silent treatment she would ignore my calls, so hurtful). She doesn't view you in any way as equal, but is happy to take from you.

I was brought up that I had to answer (completely honestly) any question I was asked. I still find it difficult not to give people information they are not entitled to. Do you feel this?

I think, like I was, you're caught up in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). When you look objectively at how these people have treated you, why should you owe them anything? But when you have been conditioned since birth to behave in the way they insist you do, it's hard to realise that you are being abused.

Try listening to the excellent Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts, they have been utterly eye-opening for me (along with therapy). Also see the Out of the Fog website which has lots of useful information. The Stately Homes thread here is hugely supportive - there are sadly many many of us affected by toxic families.

Do you have to see your GM on this visit - would it be possible to meet the family member elsewhere? Look after you, you deserve it.

Just casually mention you can’t be bothered with the stress of the case anymore and your mental health is more important so you’ve decided to drop the claim! Sorted!

Speaking as someone whose son received compensation after an accident, mark my words, they will all want a piece of it.
Keep your mouth closed and keep your distance.
I can understand you having a visit in October stay in a hotel and enjoy your visit but step back and do not bend to pressure.
You may be receiving a large amount but it is because you will need it. Ageing will not be kind to your body.

If they ask how much say I’m not willing to discuss that with anyone. What I do with it is my business no one else’s so stop asking. Next time gm shoves papers at you with a smirk, take them briefly and shove them back with a smirk and say here you are I don’t want them! What do I want them for see to it yourself for once xx

Why are they in your life? They sound like they bring you nothing but pain and misery. Be upfront with them, tell them they can sort their shit out themselves from now on and go NC. Who cares if they think badly of you, they sound like trash human beings and you’re better off without them in your life.

Make happy memories with your own precious little boy, put it towards his future or use as income when you need additional support. They should never see a penny!

You owe them nothing. If they ask tell them it was settled a few weeks ago. Lie about the amount and tell them you've already used it to pay off part of your mortgage.

@Noopnoop you have been awarded this money to compensate you for the life changing injuries you received in an accident. You need it now and will probably continue to need it.
No one else needs it, especially family who really do not care for you and who make your life worse rather than better. Please don't tell them any details about it.
I hope the money you receive will help make life easier for you now and take away any worries you may have for the future.

Sorry this response is so long. I started typing and I just kept going 😁I agree with the others who are saying that you should begin to withdraw from their company. Be less available to them. If you're not well after travelling to them, certainly don't continue the journey to their home, turn around and go home again. If they ask why you didn't show up simply reply with "I got to X station and I felt really ill and had to go home." Offer them no more information than that.

I think you're so enmeshed in the Fear, Obligation and Guilt (or FOG) when it comes to this part of your family that you can't see the wood for the trees. You feel fearful of what would happen both if you carry on seeing them and what they would say/do in relation to your injury pay out and also if you were to stop seeing them. You definitely are coming across as feeling obliged to keep them in your life (you really don't have to) and the guilt of what the future would hold without them being in your life or the guilt of not providing for them (that's not your job to do).

My honest advice would be to make yourself less available to them. Stop going to fix their furniture. They are clearly benefiting from learned helplessness. Stop fixing their financial issues/benefit issues/whatever. By all means put them in touch with others who can help them and get them to stand on their own two feet.

Oh and the biggest part of my suggestion is to put them on an immediate information diet. Tell them only what you want to divulge to them and that you wouldn't mind being shouted off a rooftop! Don't overshare to them. Be vague. If they keep asking, reply with "You know you're being very rude with these repeated questions. Please stop. It's really not your business and it's making you look grabby and that's not a nice quality in a person, so stop asking please. It's enough that DH and I have a little less to worry about for our futures and that's the end of the matter" and then change the subject. If they keep at you say to them "I'm going to leave/hang up the phone because you're being so rude to me and to DH." and then do that. I suspect that because you may not have stood up to them in the past, this will make them sit up and pay attention.

Best of luck to you!

This! Absolutely this!

Would you put up with these horrendous people if they did not share some of the same DNA as you?

Drop these leeches and stop feeling guilty and obliged to them for no reason.

This!!

Yes! For goodness sake OP, your GM is a leech who treats you badly. Stop helping her and don't give her another penny, ever.
How dare she smirk and hold out her hand when you talk about your money. It's very clear she just wants you to give her money and practical help. Just don't let her treat you like this.

Do you actually need to be in contact with these people at all?

@Noopnoop - What is stopping this family member making the effort and coming to see you instead of you travelling to be where they are?
"I am planning on visiting in October but only because another family member will be there. This is the only family member that makes an effort and regularly calls me and comes to see us. He's asked if I could go there as he is visiting my GM."

I wouldn't be travelling to see them. I'd say to that family member "Oh, I've been doing a lot of travelling to see X and GM so I'm all travelled out. Can't you come to stay in Ourtown for a visit?"

You seem to be the one putting yourself out for these people. Can I ask you a question if that's ok - if you weren't related to these people, would you actively seek them out for a relationship? If the answer is no, then stop.

I would say something that could be true
"There is no final lump sum settlement these days, I get a fixed amount per month/year to cover my extra costs from being disabled."

Thanks everyone. I do sincerely appreciate your advice. You're quite right, this isn't a lottery win but it is compensation for my inability to work in a salaried role. This has to last me for the rest of my life and as such, we will be investing first and foremost.

When I spoke about giving to charity, I'm not taking about massive amounts. I was thinking of a couple of thousand to help keep a place, that my DS absolutely adores, open.

My ever sensible DP who has been giving me the same advice re NC has suggested that I wait to make any donations as donations can come from investments.

I definitely have overshared in the past but this was because I wrongly thought that we had a vetter relationship. It took me a long time to realise how one sided it truly is / was.