AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

[Noopnoop]

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

In your position, I would probably not be speaking to these people ever again, let alone telling them how much money I had. They're walking all over you.

If they ask how much money you've got, tell them it's none of their bloody business and if they ask you for money tell them no. I suspect they'll stop getting in touch when they know they can't screw any more cash out of you.

They're treating you like shit. You're better off without them.

Honestly I'd go NC with these people. They only harm your wellbeing.

I have caught up and noticed that you mentioned the one relative you do get on with has regularly visited you. In this case then I would travel but stay in a hotel and only contact that relative when you are there to let them know you've arrived and perhaps arrange to meet for dinner in a neutral restaurant somewhere that isn't in the hotel and is somewhere between the hotel and your GM home.

That way you can still leave and they won't know where you're staying.

Good advice from the person above. Just see the one relative. The rest of them absolutely nope, they are still abusive and I wouldn't bother trying to foster a relationship with your son if they are that awful, it's likely to be destructive.
I do want to say how much I admire you OP, you have built yourself a life after a terrible start and a bad accident and that's to be admired, even though I'm sure it wasn't easy. This one thing is your Achilles Heel because you are too kind just to tell them to fuck off which you would be the best thing for you personally, but you may have to to preserve your own family.

Start asking them for help. Keep moaning about in how much pain you are, how awful it is that you cannot work anymore, how you are struggling financially, how benefits are not enough, how unfair life is, how it is now their turn to help you, and could they spare a tenner? Tell them compensation paid for some of your mortgage so you won’t lose your home, but it is just not enough.
then stop pandering to them.

Yeah fuck them. Barefaced lie to their face "I didn't get any money due to a legal technicality- not sure I understood it. Oh well."

You say you have had therapy for the childhood that you lived, that you maybe have hidden the reality of what happened to you for many years as such. You seem now to have accepted and hopefully come to terms with it. If this is the case then I don't think you should lie at all. Give them the truth of it. Yes you received money, no you can't give any out. Tell them you have plans for that money and it doesn't include squandering it on them. I think you may feel liberated not having to hide yourself from them any more and you don't care what they think.

Another one who loved @MrsTerryPratchett post, you should print it out and keep it near!

My advise would be do nothing, don't tell them. Use the money to book more therapy and indulge your family in things you all enjoy and love.

You're never get your DGM approval or praise, as it's sounds that she incapable of it. Thats on her, not you.

If they ask, advise that you had to sign a none disclosure agreement and therefore can't give any information and keep this on repeat. They dont need to know anymore. In fact, act bored when they ask.

If they are so rude as to ask how much, just say "it's nowhere near the amount I've had to spend to get to this point, so it's a bit of a struggle, but I am just about managing". If asked for anything, remember that "no" is a complete sentence. Any excuses you give will be taken as meaning that you agree the answer ought to be yes and feel the need to make excuses which could then be combatted.

The money is there only because you have proven that you need it, after an long and exhausting battle. It is not for them.

Pay our was alot smaller than expected, big solicitor and medical bills you had to pay. Hou paid off mortgage and credit cards.......and invested money in a long term investment for your family future. Can't be touched for 20 years. ......your partner has debts from gambling you needed to clear !!!!.

Put it into a personal injury trust with a deputy and make it clear to your family you can't access your money without authorisation from the deputy

As soon as I stopped doing everything, they stopped contact.
There is your answer. Let the contact fade away. And as PP have said, be vague about the money - 'Not as much as hoped, has paid for x and y, what is left has strings attached.' Or just, 'It's none of your business!'

It can be very hard to accept that your own family members do not actually care for you, so it is understandable that this has taken you a long time to process your relationships with them.

All the best for the future. You sound as if you have come a very, very long way and are a very strong person.

@Noopnoop

Will this person you're seeing in a October keep to themselves that you are meeting up, or will he tell your other uncaring/abusive your plans? What will you do if they turn up either at your meeting or at your hotel? Imagine the fuss they'll make that you can afford a hotel (no matter how budget) instead of giving them some of your hard won compensation?

Also, given the type of people they've shown you to be over the years, perhaps consider muting/blocking them for long spaces of time (for which they'll curse you, but they'll be blocked...) to give yourself some breathing space.

If you are on social media, do lock down your accounts so your life is not on show to them and they can't use your posts against you.

Additionally, do consider going to more therapy because you are still vulnerable to their demands both historically and in the present time.

They are all adults and can look after themselves and each other - you've done your bit and it's now time to look after you, your DP and more importantly, your child. 🌹

You owe your family nothing.

Seems like the contact benefits none of you. Just keep going lower and lower contact.

I would be very very wary of how you invest the money- it would definitely be worth speaking to professionals who are independent and qualified in managing money paid as compensation for life-changing injuries- as you say, your injuries have left you unable to work. You need it to last forever.

If your family ask, just keep telling them that the finances have yet to be settled, but you're hoping it'll be enough to pay medical bills and costs incurred as a result of the accident.

If they ask about the compensation, I would interpret it as though they are offering to help you out- "I can see you're really concerned we'll run out of money- we're hoping to have enough to cover our medical bills, but it's good to know that our family are offering to help us out if it falls short."

You won't see them for dust.

You don't need to tell your family anything about your financial situation or thus compensation. It's your personal business. We dont discuss anything financial with anyone else outwith we need to save for a holiday or Christmas etc. You also dont need to shoulder there issues. This sounds harsh but you are enabling them to make you feel this way by offering a level of support that is detrimental to you and them long term. People don't learn to stand on their own two feet if others enable them to lean on them constantly.

I think the hotel sounds perfect, but I would ask your lovely family member to keep quiet about you being there and visit you at the hotel. I would let him know that DGM has been detrimental to your MH/self-esteem and you’re just not up to seeing her. I would also avoid sharing figures with DFM just in case he lets it slip. Just stick with what Cheeky Hobson said. It’s perfect.

This.
And you sound amazing, to have gone through what you did as a child and to have achieved all that you have.

You owe your relatives absolutely nothing and I would echo the pps in that going no contact is the only sensible way to proceed.

I hope the money does make your life easier.

OP, I wonder if you're continuing to support and reach out to your family in the hope that they'll become the loving, appreciative people you would like them to be? Unfortunately, I doubt that will happen. It's very hard to realise that our childhood carers (parents, grandparents or whatever) aren't able to be what we long for, and that nothing we can do will change this. But some wise bugger once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think it's time for you to stop jumping when they demand it. You sound amazingly strong with what you've been through, and your loving determination to give your little boy a happy and calm home. I wish you all good things for the future, because by crikey you deserve them.

@Noopnoop please take it from someone who has learnt the hard the way - do not give them any info. being privy to your personal info is a privilege and only for people who care about you. only share things with toxic family members and those who associate with them purely on a need to know basis.

it's your money. they have no right over it.

Hi OP, I think you shouldn't go in October and you shouldn't tell them anything. If really pushed, just say you are still waiting to hear, there were some last minute legal complications. Remember, money given to them is money taken away from you and your family. I feel you want to go in October because you want to please others, ie being kind and making their lives easier, but you will be re-entering a toxic environment. If you can, arrange to meet the nice relative at another time, another place, and finally close the door on the rest of them.

I just want to thank you all for the time you've taken to offer such valuable advice and support. It really is what I needed to hear and it has cemented what I need to. If I am well enough in October, I will travel but after that it won't happen again. I will be closing the door on this part of my life.

My life has not been easy and I've had to battle for even the slightest thing but I have the most amazing partner. He's supported me through the most awful times and lifted me up when I needed it. He's sacrificed a lot because of my disability but he asks for nothing. We also have an amazing little boy and we take delight in being around him. The money won't reduce the severity of my disability but it will offer some comfort, stability and hopefully some peace.

I think your words of support and encouragement will stay with me forever. Thank you.

I’d suggest getting the hotel room, arrange to meet your good family member for an afternoon or a meal and skip seeing your grandmother completely.

Have you taken financial planning advice? That may seem a lot of money now, but it needs to be able to last you a very long time and to provide for any possibility of deterioration in your health.