AIBU - how do I avoid telling them?

[Noopnoop]

This is very long but I'll get it out as soon as I can.

I'm about to receive a life-charging sum of money from compensation for a car accident. I've developed a disability, had to give up a career I loved and I live in constant pain. My issue is that I don't want my biological family finding out.

I have always been the one to resolve problems for them whether it be financial or otherwise. They've continually made bad decisions and I've often been left to sweep up the pieces. My DGM always talks about money but also spends it as if she isn't on a fixed income. I've been the opposite. I left school with no GCSE's as I was the sole carer for mother and siblings. My "mother" was extremely abusive and did what she could to destroy me. I managed to leave home, completely an Access course and get to uni. I did drop out but stayed in the city because I met my partner. We bought our home, I went back to Uni and have worked really hard to get to where I am. I never had a stable roof over my head growing up as the rent was never paid on time and we always had bailiffs knocking on the door, something I was left to deal with as a child. DP and I also own a couple of rental properties. We've saved and gone without so we could pay off large chunks of the mortgage.

Despite the accident and being in pain everyday, I also started a business which whilst small is successful and is enough to take care of my partner, child and I, partner had to give up work to care for me.

I don't have parents and only have a grandmother and siblings but they rely on me for advice to the point that it's made me ill. When I've pushed back, I've been told that I'm selfish etc. When I discussed last year that I would be receiving compensation, my GM literally put her hand out with a smirk on her face. I've never asked for anything from my family as they've always been unreliable yet they've asked me for everything.

We visited my family in the spring. I don't drive so we made the hours long journey by train. The journey was awful and I was left in severe pain to the point of vomiting. When I arrived at my GM's, I sat down and she literally thrust some papers in my hand and told me to sort out some benefits issue she had. No welcome, or asking how I was. I underwent therapy to help me process everything I've been through and as a result I've pulled back from them quite a lot.

TLDR: abusive family, I'm about to receive life-changing amount of money. How do I tell my family the case isĥ over without revealing any amounts? I know if I did it would make my life so much more difficult.

It might sound harsh but my advice would be to Stay away from them - don’t visit- don’t reply if they message about money. Better still block them. They don’t sound as if they have your best interests at heart
They’re not your responsibility.

Don’t give them the “it was enough to pay off my mortgage line” they’ll then assume your more spare cash each month.
Whatever you say don’t ever give them anything else. You’ve got a child who must come first.

Thanks everyone. I'm quite taken aback by your responses. I expected everyone to say the opposite.
I have been to therapy and got so much from it but I still need to adjust. I had great difficulty after my DC was born. I couldn't understand how I wasn't protected in the way he is. I underwent years of horrendous abuse, physically, emotionally and the rest. I was also forced to have regular contact with the family member that SA'd me so my family didn't lose face.
Last year I told my GM that I felt that no-one had ever truly cared for me ( not enough to stop the abuse) and she said that "no-one had ever cared for her" when I said that I wasn't talking about her, she screamed " it's always about you, isn't it?".
I think the money issue is causing me to feel like this because if I ever put boundaries in place or did something for me, I was "selfish".
She's always made digs at me because I'm cautious with money and will say "I'm not money oriented like you" but I've had to be. She was always in debt, was always shopping and would whine at my grandfather that she should have had a better lifestyle. Years ago they lived in a house they couldn't afford but lost it when my GF's business went under. This was nearly 40 years ago but she still goes on about it. She lives as if the world owes her more. In reality, she does well, doesn't go without and lives in social housing in a very nice area.

If they don't ask, don't tell. If they do ask, either say still unresolved/ongoing or it was only enough to pay additional legal/medical costs
Then disengage, as the old saying goes, you can't choose your family. They treat you appallingly and going no contact sounds like it would lift a weight off your shoulders. They bring no love and support to you so stop giving yours to them

It would be easy to not tell them if you go NC. They sound horrible.

And be 'selfish' - do you really care if DGM says that? Those who know you, know the truth - her opinion is matterless given your most recent post

You avoid telling them by cutting these toxic people out of your life. Your child does not benefit from having a relationship with someone who abused you. You need to go no contact with this people for your own physical and mental health.

Why do you want to expose your son to this toxic family? Your GM has shown she doesn’t care about your pain and just wants you to sort out bills and mend things. Yet you spend hours travelling to see her which leaves you in pain. And when you are there she isn’t very nice. Do you really want your son involved with these people?
She won’t call you…. Well don’t call her. They are all using you. You have made your own family with your DP and son. Stop calling them and let them sort their own lives out. Were they there to help you? No they weren’t.
Just stop contacting them. They want your services and they want your money. And they don’t care that you are disabled and in pain. You really don’t need these people in your life.

Just say the other side have settled without admitting liability and the terms of the agreement mean that the sum must remain undisclosed.

I wouldn't be mentioning it. If they ask just tell them it wasn't a huge amount and you paid the mortgage off.

Given that they sound like leeches I don't actually understand why you bother with them anyway. No way would I be travelling to visit them after suffering an accident and being in constant pain. I'm sure your life would be more pleasant if you simply left them to their own devices. I never understand why people with family like this continue to have contact with them - that isn't a criticism btw, but really, is it worth it? What do you get out of it?

This, and what @MinnieGirl said. I have no idea why you actively maintain contact.

I strongly recommend counselling. If they don't contact you, then good, stop contacting them. If they do contact you just say, no nothings come through yet. Then at some point say, the money came through but wasn't as much as I thought, after all the fees were deducted, i only had enough to pay off my whole mortgage. There's nothing left.

Make up an amount and say it’s gone paying off the mortgage. They won’t have a clue how much you’re going to get unless you’ve ever said in conversation. If you have make up a reason it was reduced. No doubt they will still come sniffing but send them packing. This money is to make life more comfortable for you and I certainly wouldn’t be sharing it with someone who doesn’t even bother asking how I am. Sorry to hear about the accident, and really hope the money comes through soon for you

Op please just stop getting in touch with them and being at their beck and call. If they ask about the money tell them just reply 'Yes, thank you it's all sorted now'. If they push 'Yes, enough to take the strain off' if they push again 'Gosh, you're being nosey, anyone would think you were trying to get hold of my money'. If they take offence then fuck them, it's no one's business how much you get and you do not need to share than info or your money so stop feeling bad and worrying about offending these freeloaders.

Was a company negligent?

quite possibly it will be reported on if so

Spend some of that money on therapy op

You really owe them nothing. The sooner you go NC the better you'll feel. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your DS. Don't expose him to this toxicity.

No- contact sounds like the way to go for your own happiness. Sorry OP you have had to deal with all that x

"*Last year I told my GM that I felt that no-one had ever truly cared for me ( not enough to stop the abuse) and she said that "no-one had ever cared for her" when I said that I wasn't talking about her, she screamed " it's always about you, isn't it?"."

If this kind of thing ever gets mentioned again, maybe reply something more like 'well then, you must know how it feels. I intend to do everything I can to make sure my children and any future grandchildren never feel that way'.

When the compensation case comes up in conversation, just look sad and say 'yeah, it wasn't nearly enough. I don't want to talk about it.' They don't have to know what it wasn't nearly enough for - a Lear jet. A Beyonce lifestyle. A Hollywood mansion. Keeping the NHS running for a year. Take your pick!

Thanks everyone. You are absolutely right. In terms of my little boy, she's met him three times so he's fairly safe from her behaviour.

I am planning on visiting in October but only because another family member will be there. This is the only family member that makes an effort and regularly calls me and comes to see us. He's asked if I could go there as he is visiting my GM. For this reason, I don't mind and my little boy loves this family member. We may go but book a hotel so we don't have to rush there and back in a day.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't go. My GM is elderly (90 approx) and I know that if I don't see her again, I would not be upset. It might sound cold but I'm accepting of what our relationship is.

I just wanted to say OP that you are the rarest and best kind of person. One that stops the trickle of abuse down a family. You weren't cared for, your GM wasn't cared for. But your DS is. You've broken the pattern. They are frivolous and in debt, you've made sure your family has security.

I've often said if I ever do a PhD it will be about how people like you come to be. Circuit breakers who change the generations after you.

Do not underestimate how important and special you are. And treat yourself as special, don't give in at this point. Protect your little family from you to DS.

They will have no idea how much you have received unless you tell them.
You don’t have to tell them anything .
it’s none of their business.
they will not change
the compensation is yours and yours alone.
I wouldn’t be making any more efforts with these people. Surely they could visit you if they were that bothered.
if they want benefit advice etc then there are helplines for these, they will just have to make an effort themselves.

@Ohambassador it was an RTA. It was quite unusual and I believe it will be the highest amount paid for injuries of this kind. My partner and I have spoken and we've agreed that if my barrister wants to use my case for a case study, he can but only if the names are changed.

You've had lots of advice, which I second and third!

I'm sorry for your injuries and your upbringing. When you finally disentangle yourself from them, you may well find an improvement in your health- partly because you'll no longer injure yourself trying to please them, and partly from the release of emotional pain they trigger.

Keep up the therapy- things are on the up, now.

"The lawyers put it into a scheme to pay my medical expenses. Like a trust, so we can't use it for the wrong things"

You don't have to tell them anything. If they're cheeky enough to ask, you say yes it's settled. If they ask how much, you say enough for us to be able to survive on considering we can no longer work. Or just tell them to mind their own business and there will be no handouts, so don't embarrass us all by asking.